Page 18

18

COLLINS

When I signed up to be Penny’s bodyguard, I honestly didn’t expect to work this hard at trying to keep her safe.

While Graham and Nic initially hired me for periodically checking in on their little sister, it easily morphed into needing to keep a closer eye on her.

That’s because no matter where Penny goes, she seems to attract some type of unwanted attention. Granted, she’s oblivious to it most of the time, but that doesn’t make it any less annoying.

The girl didn’t even realize I followed her to the office the other day, through security, and managed to clear the hall of any men prior to her arriving at Plus None. The last time she was there, someone spooked her, and I didn’t want that to be a repeat situation.

Maybe I should be glad that she doesn’t see me when I’m running surveillance on her.

Regardless, I would feel more comfortable if Penny was equipped to handle some basic self-defense moves in case I’m not there to knock some teeth out or crush some fingers for her honor.

It’s been days since I’ve been graced with Penny’s snarky and defiant attitude.

And oddly enough, I miss it.

I have several people on my payroll to monitor her entering and exiting our building, and just a few days ago there was an incident where she arrived at the lobby basically in a panic.

While nothing checked out as being out of the norm, I decided right when I was reading the update report that Penny needs to work on her confidence in case a problem were to arise.

Maybe if she had some type of defense if someone were to get handsy with her, she wouldn’t spiral every time a nonthreatening encounter occurred.

While this wouldn’t replace the benefit of having actual self-preservation skills, maybe it would be a step in the right direction to assimilate back into society.

And that’s the hope—that Penny can learn to function outside of Soulful Mind and develop the coping skills needed to live a full life.

“You know I don’t take kindly to being summoned,” her melodic voice sounds behind me.

I reserved the matted room in the apartment building’s gym to conduct my private lesson with Penny.

I turn around and am faced head-on with Penny’s eclectic wardrobe choices.

We are going to the gym, not the club.

Sure, she’s wearing gym attire, but this isn’t what I had in mind.

Her booty shorts and halter top reveal too many square inches of butt cheeks and belly.

Fuck.

“I’m glad to see you respond to my texts.”

Why can’t I divert my eyes?

It’s like I’m staring straight into the sun and am oblivious to the burn.

“I was afraid that if I didn’t show up, I’d find myself kidnapped in the back of your SUV.”

“The day’s still young,” I deadpan. Although I’d have to use the discreet exit in the back of the building because there’s no way Penny’s going to be seen on the streets in this attire.

She takes a step closer. I can smell the strawberries radiating off her. Did she bathe herself in their essence?

“You wouldn’t know what to do with me if you had me.”

Without warning, I grab hold of Penny’s wrist, tightening my grasp to provide the restraint but gentle enough not to hurt her.

“Hey!” she yells, trying to tug her arm away.

“This is your first lesson on how to get out of wrist grabs.”

“That’s why we’re here?” she scoffs. “I thought it was going to be something fun.”

“Would you have come willingly if you knew the details?”

“No.”

“Precisely. So this is why we’re here.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m looking forward to the day you have the confidence to defend yourself and take back all that you think you lost over the last year.”

Penny’s jaw unhinges. The snarky words that typically teeter on the end of her tongue get swallowed back inside her mouth as it slams shut.

She pulls on her wrists, trying to wiggle free. Her high ponytail of hair flings into her face, and she swings her head the opposite way to get it to cooperate.

“So how do I get out?” she growls.

“Are you in the right mindset to learn?”

Her face softens. “Yes.”

“Then ask nicely.”

Penny wedges her knee between my legs, bending it to the side. I twist her around, my fingers still able to restrain her wrist, while I secure her other one behind her back.

“Use your good girl words, Penelope. Ask nicely.”

Her hair blows out from the side of her face as she lets out an exaggerated exhale. She feels good in my arms—too good.

Our eyes connect in the wall of mirrors along the perimeter of the room.

“Please teach me, Master. I want to learn.”

“Hmmm… You still sound pretty defiant. And defiance will get you hurt. Try again.”

Her spine softens against my core and her breathing levels. “I would like you to teach me, Collins. Please.”

As a test, I release Penny from my hold and wait to see if she attacks.

Good.

“The first step to defending yourself is trusting your instincts.”

“How do I do that?” Her tone is of genuine curiosity.

“You use your senses and a lifetime of pattern development to assess situations and listen to the inner voice inside that may be alerting you to danger. Too often people ignore that inner monologue of self-preservation by falling to the trap of the bystander effect.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s where you rely on other people’s lack of instincts to dictate your own during a potentially dangerous situation.” When she still looks confused, I elaborate. “For example… If you are at a store shopping and someone walks in that makes you question their intentions of being there, don’t look around to see if anyone else looks uncertain. Leave immediately. Trust yourself.”

“Got it. Okay.”

“So let’s start with basic wrist grabs and work our way to getting out of certain holds. But Penny?”

“Hmm?”

“None of what I’ll teach you today is going to replace common sense and trying to avoid danger in the first place. This is only meant to supplement what you should already be practicing.”

“Like not getting into cars with strangers,” she supplies.

“Exactly.”

I reach out my palm. “Let me have your arm.”

Penny complies.

“To get out of a single hand wrist grab, bring your arm up to your face and rotate your hand so that your thumb is facing you.” I wait until she mimics my directions. “Then thrust your hand down and out to break the grip.”

When we try it a couple of times, I switch roles.

“You try to grab me.”

And she does, except her small fingers can barely make it around half my wrist.

“The goal is to get away from being the prey and not to in turn switch and become the predator.”

An hour passes of practicing various grabs and holds.

“You’re a fast learner.”

“I still can’t get you knocked down.”

I chuckle. “That wasn’t ever the point.”

“Collins?”

“Yes?”

“I’m trying to absorb all that you taught me, but sometimes when I freak out when someone touches me, I also black out.”

“How often does this happen?”

I can tell she is thinking. “About once a month.”

“I’m sorry that happens to you, Pen. I wish I could make it stop, but I can only help you overcome some of your fears by fueling the inner strength you already have.”

I hate seeing her sad. Maybe if she can be less afraid of the dark, then maybe she can learn to function in that shadowy space in her mind.

“I have an idea,” I say, walking to the edge of the room where I have a gym bag resting on a bench.

“Okay…”

“I know you said you don’t like the dark…” I pull out a band from my bag that I sometimes use to wrap my hands for sparring. “But what would you think to being blindfolded and trying out some of the self-defense moves?”

Penny’s eyes latch on to the black band in my hand. “I’d say your teaching methods are unconventional and I’d question your logic.”

I make my way back to the center of the mat and try to hide my grin over Penny’s bold nature. I’ve seen her in enough situations to know she’s nowhere near as comfortable with other people as she is with me.

And I like it.

She doesn’t trust freely, and I value her ability to let her guard down around me. I won’t take that for granted.

“Come sit,” I say, lowering myself to the floor. I wrap the band around my fingers, as I think of the right words to say.

“Okay…”

“I know you don’t like the darkness, but you find yourself in that dark space when you shut down during a stressful situation.”

Penny glances away from me. “It’s just that I get scared,” she whispers.

“I know. And I want you to work through those fears. Maybe if you practice being in the dark, you can desensitize yourself.”

“What if I can’t?”

“Just try.”

Her hesitant nod causes my heart to increase its rhythm. Taking the band, I gently place it over Penny’s forehead, tightening it into a secure knot.

I look directly into her eyes. “I want you to listen to me, because I’m being very serious about this.”

“Okay…” I barely hear her.

“If you get too scared, then take your hands and move the blindfold up to your forehead like it is right now. It’s that simple. You have control here, and I won’t let you fall.”

“Promise?”

“You have my word.”

I help Penny stand back up and give her the patience and time she needs to cover her eyes with the band on her own free will.

And she does.

“I want you to relax. And I want you to use all of your other senses to evaluate your environment, all while staying in the present.”

“Okay. I can do that.”

Silence fills the space, and I allow this moment of calm to flourish.

“I don’t want you to think of the darkness as a negative. I want you to utilize it as a way to center yourself and regain focus. Remember, this is about trusting your instincts.”

“What if mine don’t work?”

“The only thing that’s not working is your confidence, Penny. Do you remember all of the moves I taught you?”

She shifts her weight to her other foot, curling her toes into the mat. “Yes, I think so.”

“We are going to practice the same thing but blindfolded. The best approach to self-defense is to escape dangerous situations and not hang around to potentially get hurt.”

Wrinkles form on her brow. “How am I supposed to escape if I can’t see?”

“That’s the point of this exercise. I think you can function in the dark, but just don’t have a lot of practice.”

I can tell Penny is finally understanding the task.

With her blindfold still on, I take a few steps back away from her. Careful not to make a sound, I circle her—slowly.

And when I think she has let down her guard, I jump into her space and watch as Penny mimics the motion in reverse.

“Great job.”

“You scared me,” she whimpers.

I gently pull her into my arms and slide up the blindfold to her forehead. Tears fill her eyes, and when one escapes, I wipe it away with my thumb.

Touching her is my weakness and yet I can’t leave her standing here in the middle of the gym floor, looking like she just might break.

“I know you are scared, but that isn’t the intention of this lesson. You did phenomenally well. Even without your sense of vision, you were able to dodge my advance.”

Her bottom lip quivers but she rounds her shoulders. “Let’s do it again.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

I wait until Penny pulls the fabric down over her eyes again and take a step back.

Allowing several minutes to pass, I grab hold of Penny’s wrist as fast as I can and revel in her reflexes to break free in less than three seconds.

Sobs break out from deep in her throat, and the sound makes shivers run up my spine.

“I’m sorry, Penny.”

I pull her to me, rip off the blindfold, and fold her onto my lap as I settle on the floor.

“It’s okay.” Her words come out as fragments as she sniffles and buries her face into my chest. “I really needed this.”

“I don’t know. I’m having major doubts right now. Maybe we did too much too soon.”

She shakes her head no, but I can’t see her eyes. It’s her crystal blues that allow me to see her truth, but she is hiding her face from me.

“I just want you to hold me.”

And I do.

I sit here on the mat and hold the beautiful girl who is starting to mend her broken wings and relearn how to fly.

And it’s in the quiet that we find each other.

“Your turn,” Penny whispers, bringing me back down to earth.

She pulls back, and the rejection reminds me that what I’m doing with her is wrong. We are blurring lines faster than we are using them to construct the boundaries.

Standing up, I offer her a hand. Just a hand. “My turn?”

She swings the band around her head like a lasso. “Yes. Your turn.”

Smirking, I place the band around my eyes, making sure it is secure.

“Now, spin around in a circle ten times.”

“That doesn’t seem fair.” But I do it anyway.

My senses and adrenaline kick in as I wait for Penny to make her move.

Hearing some rustling coming from my left side, I clasp my arms together, pulling Penny into my chest.

“Got you!” she yells, making me burst into laughter.

“Pretty sure I got you, but who’s keeping score?”

“Next round.”

We go back into position.

But this time I allow Penny this one victory.

“Got you good,” she screams three solid seconds before jumping onto my back.

I heard her a mile away and braced myself for her attack.

I fake fall to the mat with her attached to my back.

“You aren’t supposed to warn people before you pounce on them. And self-defense never means attacking first,” I reiterate.

Peeling back my blindfold, I pull Penny around and onto the mat.

“You like my mad skill?”

“What am I going to do with you?”

Her eyes focus in on my lips. I’m giving her mixed messages and that’s not fair.

It’s not fair that my inability to keep things professional is warping with her mind.

“Kiss me?”

My eyes dart to hers. I had to mishear her. There’s no way she is requesting this right now.

But here I sit, stuck in a haze of attraction, unable to comprehend the reality that it can be mutual.

Damn fucking hell…

“No, Penny.”

Her face reddens, and she pulls away.

“I’m your bodyguard.”

“Some boundaries are meant to be crossed.”

“I can’t.”

“But…” She stands up and starts fast-paced walking to the door, clearly embarrassed. Turning back around, with tears staining her cheeks, she looks at me like I just crushed her entire world. She wants to say something. It’s as if the words are on the tip of her tongue. “Oh, never mind.”

And then she walks out.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but allowing Penny to walk away without me fully explaining my side of things has to be in the top three of mistakes.

Not only have I made things worse by not clarifying my feelings and reasoning as to why I couldn’t kiss her, I have created this irreparable distance between us. I can feel it. I don’t need any more confirmation that it exists other than the collective ignoring of my texts and attempts at contact that Penny has been giving me for the last three hours.

She is shutting me out, and I don’t blame her.

If anyone is at fault, it’s me. I have given her mixed messages, and now the look of devastation over my rejection will be a permanent memory in my mind.

And it was all over my weakness toward her.

I failed her.

The only way to make this better is to step aside and allow someone else to take over for me.

Thoughts of teaching Penny how to drive flutter through my brain. Who is going to help make sure she’s safe on the road? Who is going to verify that her apartment is up to code? Does she actually plan to attend that dating mixer at the coffee shop?

Whoever I recommend to watch out for Penny must understand how precious she is to her family. Keeping her safe has to be top priority.

I have a list of contacts I can use that have already been semi-vetted. Surely someone will stand out from the crowd as a potential replacement, and most likely I’ll have to fly that person to Portland since I know everyone in the business already that is local, and no one person in particular stands out as a viable option.

Penny needs someone who won’t crack under pressure or be bribed with her sweet antics, and I know she’ll try.

I’m not a quitter, so the mere idea of giving up seems so foreign. I’ll suck it up for a week to gather my references for Graham and Nic, and then officially resign from this assignment.

Ugh.

I don’t even want to think about the disappointment that will be evident on their faces. The Hoffman brothers have trust issues. I’ve earned their respect over the years. This is out of character for me, and yet I really have no other choice.

Penelope Hoffman has fluttered her way into my heart.

And the only way to function is to deny the hold she has on me.