Page 19

19

PENNY

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sad to say goodbye to Momma as she helped me bring in my purchases to my new residence. I haven’t even officially spent the night here, but there’s now no reason not to do it. I have my bed, dresser, and all of my essentials right here in this place. Yet, as much as I wanted to have this level of independence, I am already lonely.

And perpetually embarrassed over the kiss request incident with Collins.

Who the hell asks someone for a kiss?

What am I—ten years old?

Not only has the man probably kissed a hundred women in his lifetime, he managed to look sympathetic toward me when I asked him for one. And that there is the worst.

He pities me.

Hell, at this point, I pity me.

To him, I’m some little naive girl who has a silly crush. I might as well grab a holographic notebook and doodle our names together with pink hearts drawn around them, while the “Collins and Penny sitting in a tree…” song plays on loop from the sound system.

Ew, how mortifying.

How am I going to function with him bodyguarding me when the only person I need protection from is myself and the stupidest things that can be spewed from my mouth?

And that there is the real dilemma.

So here I sulk in my dream apartment with my newly shopped for furnishings that fit my momma’s style more than my own, and the only thing I can celebrate is the loss of my dignity.

The only hope of surviving yet another day where I feel awkward and silly is to stay busy and focus on a task. Maybe then my mind will stop thinking about how comfortable my parents’ house is and the warmth of my momma who would cuddle me in a heartbeat.

I try not to think about how my momma makes the most delicious breakfasts or how my dad and I chat about pop culture around the island in the kitchen—where most discussions seem to occur.

And I’ll try not to think about how before the incident, I was a carefree girl who faced challenges head-on, and not want to curl up under the covers and drown out all the humiliation I brought on my own life.

I just need to center myself and make this new space feel the same way the comfort of home feels like—but with my own flavor. I did it with my Plus None desk, so I just need to follow that same recipe here.

This is my first big-girl apartment, and I should at least find joy in doing things my way for a change.

Right now, boxes are stacked along the walls in the living room, and my luggage is open and arranged on the floor in haphazard piles.

It isn’t like Momma didn’t offer to help me unpack. She always volunteers. I just need to not use her as a crutch for every big decision I make. If I want to spread my wings, why would I constantly try to do so in the safety of a cushioned cage?

You can do this, Penny .

I take a few deep breaths and then find a playlist on my phone to get me in the mood.

When I was at Soulful Mind, I used music a lot to cope with the stress and anxiety I had festering inside of me. I even did music therapy classes, as well as horseback riding there. I loved being with the animals because they never judged me for not talking or not acting a certain way. Animals can sense moods, and it helped to have that ease of companionship without the pressure to be perfect.

No matter how happy my family is to have me back in the area, they are still expecting me to go back to being my old self, and I hate disappointing them. That version of myself died the night Mark drugged me.

They are never going to get her back.

I grab the highest stacked box from the pile and peel back the strips of packing tape. I never bothered labeling anything because I don’t have a lot of possessions. When living at home, it never benefited me to have my own dish or silverware set. All of those kitchen items and gadgets can just be bought new.

When I dig inside the box, I find some of my favorite pairs of shoes. I dance my way down the hall to my bedroom, dumping my armful of shoes onto the floor near my closet. Kneeling down, I arrange them onto the built-in rack.

An amazing feature of this particular unit is how big the bedrooms are. Both rooms have the same square footage and similar layout, so I don’t feel guilty for choosing mine first.

Picking myself up from the floor, I meander back into the living room. I have so many more boxes to open. It’ll probably take me all week to get everything situated.

But no matter how hard I try to visualize my new space, I’m struggling to see the big picture.

Grabbing my phone, I shoot a group text to Claire and Angie.

Penny: I am at my new place and I am not sure how to go about decorating it. Want to come over and help me brainstorm?

I get a response almost immediately.

Claire: Of course! I live for moments like these! I’ll bring the supplies.

Angie: I can pick you up, Claire. I would love to help.

Penny: Supplies?

Claire: Think arts and crafts…

Angie: But on steroids…

Claire: For our vision board! Woot woot!

While I wait for the girls to arrive, I skip down to the little home décor boutique that is literally just a few minutes’ walking distance from my new place.

I don’t have a clear style, but I definitely enjoy the concept of color to transform a space.

Grabbing turquoise knobs for my bedroom nightstand, I place them on the checkout counter. Then I go back to get some matching ones for the en suite.

“Did you find everything you needed?” the worker asks, her voice kind and helpful.

I glance around the shop. “Umm, do you have any paintings or wall art?”

“I sure do. There’s a whole gallery lineup in this room on the side. Here, I will show you.”

I follow her into the attached room that I never even noticed before now. “Wow. These are wonderful.”

Various photos, paintings, and sculptures fill up the space.

“Did you have something in mind?”

I shrug. “I don’t have any style. I am just grabbing things that catch my eye to brighten up my new apartment.”

She smiles. “A lot of us have evolving styles. I think it’s wonderful to allow your taste in items to be organic. Get what speaks to you in the now .”

And I do. I find the most amazing aqua and gold butterfly painting that looks majestic and warm.

“This is the one,” I say with pride.

“I love it. Amazing choice. And just remember that in a year or whatever, you might want something different for your wall. And that is okay. There are no rules when it comes to making a space your own.”

It’s funny how complete strangers can set you on the right path without even realizing it.

I like the idea of doing things that feel good now, without any type of commitment or pressure to get everything right the first try.

If only I can put this practice into other aspects of my life…

When Angie and Claire show up to help me create a decorating game plan for my new apartment, I wasn’t expecting them to be pulling a wagon full of art supplies.

“Isn’t this a little over-the-top?” I hesitantly ask. I’m kind of afraid to set off Claire. This is clearly her idea. Angie is just the accomplice.

Claire starts laughing like I just said the funniest of jokes.

Angie, on the other hand, looks at me and shrugs. “You should have seen what she really wanted to bring. I got her to tame down some.”

Claire claps her hands and then flutters about my place like a pregnant butterfly, oohing and aahing over all the possibilities. But she isn’t telling me what to do or trying to control everything. She is simply asking me various questions and helping me to articulate what I have already envisioned but was too inside my head to see clearly.

Calling these girls was the best thing I’ve done all day. Already, I am rearranging furniture the way I want it, and their confidence in my ability to do it gives me strength.

“Oh, I love that idea, Penny,” Angie says, helping me to hold the painting while we mark the location of where we should put the nails into the wall.

“What still needs to be done?” Claire asks me, pulling out a pad of paper and some colored pencils. “We can make a vision board so you have an idea of what is left to do.”

“I think I would like an armchair for the bedroom and maybe a duvet?”

“Oh, yeah, that sounds good,” she agrees. “Let’s work on a color scheme. It will make searching for the items a lot less exhausting.”

Claire’s phone rings, and we all turn to look at the device.

“Who is it?” Angie asks.

“My ball and chain…”

I laugh. Yup, Nic has turned into quite the overprotective fiancé, that’s for sure. “I’m shocked he even allowed you to come here without a five-man escort.”

“Oh, they are waiting in the lobby,” she says coolly. “But there’s six of them. One for each of my personalities.”

Angie smirks. “She’s not lying.”

Claire answers the call. “Hello, stalker. Yes, I’m drinking water.” She motions with her hand, and I run into the kitchen to get her a glass. She takes a sip and then gargles it—probably to provide him proof—before swallowing. “Okay, fine. Yes, I will allow them to escort us back.”

“Time to go?” I ask, when she ends the call.

“Yeah, apparently I have another ultrasound appointment that slipped my mind.”

“Oh, fun.”

She looks at me like I have five heads. “Oh, yeah, super fun. The last time, Nic almost fought with the ultrasound tech when they refused to answer any of his questions, stating something about it being protocol. Well, your brother thought they were just being ‘unnecessarily difficult’ on purpose and told them they were making up rules as they go.”

“Well, at least there’s never a dull moment,” Angie says, making us all laugh.

“That’s one way of putting it,” Claire grumbles.

I see the girls out and close the door behind them, already feeling the pangs of loneliness from being here all by myself.