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41

PENNY

“Did I say something wrong?”

“No, Penelope.”

It sure feels like I did. I may be lacking experience around guys—especially the silent types like Collins—but I know when I’ve hit a wall. His entire demeanor has changed, including his breathing. Sheesh. I’m going to derail this train before it even exits the station.

“Obviously I did.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Then why are you being so quiet? I must have said something?—”

“I’m trying to drive us home while my cock is so rigid in my jeans that I think it may cut through the fabric.”

Laughing, I reach over the center console. “Wow, that sounds painful. Here, let me help.”

“No!” he snaps.

“Chill,” I try to calm. “I was just going to try to get it to settle.”

Collins shakes his head at me, as if I’m clueless—about what, I don’t know. He sure is moody. “There’s no settling it, Penny.”

“Why are you so tense? Let me help.”

“I’m trying to get us back safely and not crash this car because your hands are touching me.”

“Oh. Okay, sorry.” I turn and face the front windshield.

“There’s no need to apologize. We’ll be back into Portland soon.”

I feel so inadequate compared to the other women at the club who have probably all had a piece of Collins Stone. The thought actually makes me sick to my stomach. If I use them as a level of standard, I’ll never add up.

“What if we start to have sex and you change your mind and think I’m not doing it right ? Or just suffer through the event in misery…”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“You say it with such confidence.”

“I am confident.” He won’t even look at me.

I twirl a piece of my hair to use my hands to hopefully distract my mind. My nerves are getting the best of me, and we haven’t even done anything. “I could be really horrible at sex. You’ve been warned. What happens if?—”

“You won’t be bad at it, Penny. That I promise you. It’s impossible.”

I shift my weight to one hip, bending my knees to lean into the center of the car. “How do you know?”

“Trust me.”

I sigh. He’s not getting it. “Will you teach me?”

“Teach you what? I already said I would.”

His words come out rushed. He’s flustered with me.

I need to get this conversation back on track… “Teach me how to fuck like a bad little cum slut?”

“What the hell, Penny?”

I read an article once that stated that men love when girls talk dirty and refer to themselves with vulgar names. Apparently Collins is immune to such antics. I better kick it up another notch. “I’m serious. I can be your cum dumpster if that is more your jam.”

“I don’t know how you can possibly be so fucking sweet and then talk like you are put on this earth just to torment me and challenge my control.”

“Ew.”

Collins glances over at me with his brows scrunched together. “What?”

“Don’t call me sweet.”

“But you are sweet.”

“No, no, no! Sweet girls don’t get railed and defiled.”

“That’s what you want from this arrangement?”

I think about it for a moment. “Umm, not exactly. It’s just that…when I say I’m inexperienced, I really mean it. I am not a”—my words come out as a stutter—“virgin. But I basically am since I made the guy stop as soon as he put it inside. It was my one and only time during my college days, and I basically go through life trying to forget it ever happened. It was that horrible. But I now use toys. The ones that I can penetrate my?—”

“What made it so bad for you?” he blurts out.

I thought I was tense; Collins’s spine looks like a steel flagpole.

I make a face. “It hurt. And not in the good way that porn videos try to portray.” Finally, I’m spared a glance—barely. I let out a sigh. “There was nothing sexy about it. He didn’t get me ready. It felt like he was slicing me up like deli meat. I felt unpleasantly sore afterward. And then I really didn’t want to do it again, so I didn’t. Flash forward a few years, and I’m horny as fuck.”

“That’s the difference between fucking a boy and fucking a man. A man will know when you are ready versus when you aren’t. Trust me to know, Penny.”

I nod, allowing his words to settle. “Yeah… I wasn’t ready mentally either, and I sure as hell wasn’t ready physically. But I’m ready now. Or just plain ol’ horny and deprived.”

“That’s not a good combo.”

“You’re telling me. It’s the worst. Try living with it.”

Collins runs a hand down the back of his neck, looking visibly agitated. I’m messing this all up. It feels like I’m killing the mood and then beating it again with my embarrassing past.

“You’re mad.”

His hands white-knuckle grip the steering wheel so tightly that I worry he’ll rip it from its post. “I’m not mad.”

“Frustrated, then?”

Collins sighs. His back is rigid, as his eyes stay focused forward on the road. He’s obviously feeling some type of emotion, despite his lips staying sealed in a stern line. “No.”

I toss my hands into the air, bumping them against the ceiling. “Well, it would be helpful to know what you’re thinking, as my mind races with every negative thought I can possibly conjure up. And trust me, your silence is only adding fuel to the flame of self-doubt that burns through me. I know I’m going to disappoint you. That much is obvious.”

It’s so quiet inside the car that I can hear the straining beats of my own blood pumping through my heart. Collins pulls into the parking garage at our complex, cuts the engine, and is walking toward my door before I even have a chance to undo my seatbelt.

With calculated efficiency, Collins opens the door, unhooks my belt, and pulls me out of the car so fast that I don’t even have a chance to overthink what is happening.

I start to break the silence with another bout of word vomit, and his lips are on mine, sucking the words from my throat before they ever get a chance to hit our ears. My back presses against the cool metal and glass of the passenger side door, as his hands dig into the fleshy part of my ass cheeks. I gasp for air in between him kissing my neck and then traveling back to my lips. It’s a full-on assault—in the best possible way—as he reverently worships me with his physical touch, letting me know that my body is desirable to him.

Pulling away, he catches his breath. “Is this clear enough to you how deep my attraction is?”

“I need another reminder.” I start to giggle when he growls, and then quickly shut my mouth.

His fingers move to my sides, and he starts to tickle me.

“Stop, please”—I inhale and exhale, frantically trying to catch my breath—“I’ll pass out.”

When I break free, I make a dash for the elevator, laughing as I hear Collins’s cursing behind me as he races to catch up.

I knew it was a mistake to try to escape him from the first two paces, but I’m too invested now to stop.

So I run and run, as my lungs burn from the exertion.

There’s something very feral about having Collins Stone hunt me down. And I know without a doubt that I’ll be caught, and I will be punished.

Because the man can run…

Damn. He really can run.

I make it three more paces before arms bind around me. Like I’m a sack of potatoes, Collins picks me up and hauls me over his strong shoulders.

It takes one smack to my ass to make me yelp.

“Don’t you know that running away just makes it all the more fun when I catch you?”

“Maybe that was my plan,” I say cheekily, getting the perfect upside down view of his ass cheeks. I can’t resist and smack my hand against one, feeling the burning pain hit my palm.

Okay, I won’t do that again.

Why is he so fit? I thought men get in worse physical shape as they age, and it seems like Collins is only improving himself with time.

“You’ll hurt your hand, Pen,” he warns, shifting me so I’m cradled to his front.

He hits the call button for the elevator with ease and it opens within seconds. Once I am safely inside and he presses the button for his floor, Collins places me on my feet and backs away.

“You’re going to be the death of me, my dirty little princess.”

I lean my butt against the cool metal handrail, as I catch my breath.

Hearing Collins call me his dirty little anything makes me feel a gush of wetness between my thighs. There’s no place for it to go other than to collect in my panties, because my shorts are so tight they need to be peeled off.

This man may not say too much, but when he does talk, it’s like an erotic arrow straight to my pussy.

Just watching Collins’s chest rise and fall, and the way his jaw tics, makes me want to jump him. Masculine energy radiates off him, and I know that whatever he plans to do with me in the bedroom will be spectacular. I won’t need to have experience or know everything there is to know. I can just let him lead the way and hope not to completely botch up trying to be sexy.

That’s assuming we ever get to the bedroom. It’s definitely not a requirement. I’m not picky either. I’ll settle for this elevator floor, his kitchen countertop, or even the wall outside his bedroom.

I clear my throat, maintaining eye contact. “Can you add elevator sex to your mental list of my wants ?”

“You are insatiable, and we haven’t even started exploring each other. I am going to have so much fun with you. I mean, I might as well, since I’m going to hell anyway.”

I shrug. “You sound dramatic. No one is going to find out about our arrangement . Anyway, I can’t wait until we sign the papers, so if I give you blow jobs with my teeth only, you just have to deal with it.”

Collins shakes his head at me, as if I’m somehow lying. I mean, I have a lot to learn. I just hope he has the patience to teach me. There’s only so much being an observer at a kink club can do for me, especially when I only have frequented it twice. Relying on porn as an instructional tool doesn’t seem very practical to hands-on learners.

Despite my original fear coming across in a joking manner, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a genuine concern. When my ex and I met in college, I thought he would be understanding that I was a virgin. He acted so sweet and caring until he managed to get my pants off.

My first time was not even a real experience, unless you count the two minutes he was inside me. Everything hurt like hell, and my body repelled his entry like a foreign object that didn’t belong. It didn’t matter how hard he pushed on my clit—as if it was the magic button to get me to come—I received zero pleasure. He made what could have been a memorable experience just be one I spent years vowing I’d never repeat.

I bled afterward and stayed bruised for over a week.

It’s no wonder Mark Tanner’s charm attracted me to another horrible situation soon after.

It was like I was feeding my trauma with more trauma.

Maybe in some demented sense, the identification of the trauma was the comforting component that allowed me to continue the cycle.

I was vulnerable then, but I’m done being the naive girl that falls for the flowery words that are only meant to manipulate me. No, instead, I’m tying myself to a man who blatantly tells me this is a horrible idea every chance he gets. And I believe him, because deep down inside I can’t help but wonder how this will all end.

And there will be an end, because that is the entire point of having it in writing.

Unfortunately, I can’t make myself not attracted to Collins. There’s something undeniable between us, and by the look of wonder in his eyes, I think he feels it too.

I may walk out of this with my head held high, taking with me the added knowledge that comes from being with someone more experienced. Or instead, I might have to crawl my way out of the ashes of another heartbreak and hope the next time I involve myself with another person, it won’t be as damaging.

Can I keep this arrangement strictly professional—as a way to fulfill each of our needs?

When the elevator stops, we exit and make our way down the hallway. I have yet to see anyone on this floor and wonder if anyone even lives here. Maybe he chose this location for the quietness it brings. I would feel peace right now if I wasn’t voluntarily walking into what now seems like the lion’s den.

I’ve been to his apartment numerous times and yet this visit just feels different. It’s like once I cross the threshold, I won’t need some paper promises to tie me to the one man who can knock down the walls I have strategically built around myself for protection.

Collins disarms the security system for his unit and guides me inside. I’m glad he is content being at his own place, because I wouldn’t be able to trust Luke to keep his big mouth shut whenever the girls or my brothers pay me a visit. The less he knows, the better. He is the only one who thinks he’s discreet—when in reality he is blatantly obvious about anything he does. I also can’t risk him asking to join in. He’s obnoxious like that.

Collins helps me out of my heels and then curses at the sight of my angry blisters. “You need to stop abusing your sensitive skin like this,” he scolds, rubbing his thumbs over the sore patches.

I nod, gesturing toward my shoes. “But they look so cute on.”

I honestly didn’t even realize I had blisters until he pointed them out.

He removes his own and places them perfectly on the rack beside the door. “They look fucking fantastic on you, but I don’t need the view at the expense of your comfort.” He scoops me up and starts to carry me toward his bedroom.

“I take it I’m not welcome in your guest room anymore.”

Smiling down at me, he kisses me on the nose. “You are welcome in every square inch of my place, but I much prefer to have you in my bed tonight. The cage for underneath is arriving next week.”

“Oh my g?—”

“Teasing.”

“You better be.” I snuggle in closer to Collins’s chest, loving the feel of his muscles against the side of my cheek. “Can you add spooning to my list of wants?”

Collins chuckles, dropping me into the center of the bed with a bounce. “I will add whatever clause you want to the contract, assuming you can follow my three main rules.”

“And what are those?” I bite at my bottom lip, as I watch him slowly remove his jeans.

His lips curl into a half smile. “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

I cross my arms at my chest and pout out my lip. “Why the suspense?” Seriously, why is he being so secretive?

“If I show you my cards too soon, you’ll have time to think of some strategies to get you out of complying.”

I’m so confused. “So you’re going to fuck me but then drop a bombshell on me tomorrow with your demands?”

He shakes his head. “No, Penelope. We’re not having sex tonight.”

I feel my jaw unhinging. “And why not? Isn’t that the point?” It’s like he’s speaking another language—one in which I have zero foundational knowledge.

“For one, you’ve been drinking.”

“Barely,” I grumble. I’m not even slurring my words. At least I don’t think I am. Well, damn. Maybe I am?

“I’m not having you making life-altering decisions while you’ve been under the influence of alcohol.”

“Well, you rejecting me—yet again—is pretty sobering.”

Ignoring my mini-rant, he sighs. “Second, I want us both to understand the terms of the contract to every last detail before engaging in a sexual relationship that can muddy the already murky water.”

“Yeah, we wouldn’t want me to take advantage of you or anything,” I say, my tone mocking.

“And third, we will both get physicals tomorrow with a physician of my choosing, and not someone you type into Google to find.”

I sit up straighter on the bed. “So this is what it’s going to be like?”

“What?”

“Where you dictate what is going to happen, and I listen and obey like a good little girl?”

A smile beams across his face. “Now that sounds like music to my ears.”

“I mean it, Collins!”

“That’s the incentive you threw my way, isn’t it? You allow me to be your bodyguard without any fight, and your sexual appetite gets satisfied.”

I huff out a breath. “Your cock better be worth the wait.”

“And your sassy mouth better be glad I don’t put a ball gag in it.”

Well, that silenced me.

From his tone, I don’t think Collins is joking—even in the slightest. Now that the secret’s out that he has been a part-time employee at Limit-X, I’d be lying if my ass cheeks weren’t a tad bit intimidated.

He’s probably had a lot of practice wielding the whip.

I mentally shudder. I can’t do whips.

Stretching out over the bed, I try to reach the bottom drawer of his nightstand.

Collins chuckles. “You can’t even wait until I leave the room to start snooping?”

“I need to examine the size of the ball gag to determine whether my sass is worth the consequence.”

“You are going to be so much fun to tame. But don’t worry, I want you to keep that zesty spirit about you. It just makes this all extra fun.” There’s amusement in his timbre.

Ignoring his commentary, I stick with my focus. “I can only imagine the armory of sex toys you have stored in your bottom nightstand drawer. Who needs a store when I can shop here for free? You can learn a lot about a man by what he has hidden.”

“There are none, Pen.”

Sitting up, I bring my knees to my chest. “So, you just use the good, old-fashioned hand, eh?”

His lips curl up into a smirk. “You really do have a very active imagination.”

“It’s overactive most days.”

“No doubt.”

“Prefer hotel rooms?”

He sighs. “I prefer public places with rules set so both parties know what to expect.”

I make a face. “Seems clinical.”

“It’s logical,” he counters. “At least for men like me.”

“What does that mean?”

“I treat arrangements for what they are—a way to satisfy sexual urges for both parties.”

“A business…”

“Sure, but without any money exchanged.”

“Got it.”

“It’ll be best if you try not to attach strings to fleeting things, like emotions. Things will end between us. It’s inevitable—finite. The more we both accept that fact, the better in the end.”

I think about his answer for a moment. I’ve always known Collins to be a man who valued his privacy. However, going through life specifically looking for an emotionally detached relationship seems…

Lonely?

And here I sit, about to embark on a similar journey. It makes me cringe inside, because I’m probably just a number in his list of clients. No one special…

I’ll just be a warm body that serves a specific purpose. And when I’m done, I’ll be discarded and will have to go back to pretending that Collins is just my bodyguard.

Can I even do this?

I remind myself that this was solely my idea. Collins can do his job by being my bodyguard and not having to fight with me to comply. In return, I can fulfill some of my goals without the fear of being taken advantage of in the process. It is a win-win situation.

I trust Collins.

He’s not intentionally going to cause me harm, and it is all on me if I attach strings that don’t need to be attached.

Sure, he has this idea in his head that he is betraying Graham and Nic, but my brothers never once consulted me about having a bodyguard. I was never part of a negotiation or even the bare minimum discussion on the framework around Collins’s requirements. Instead, they took it upon themselves to figure out what they thought was best for me, when all I need to do is to push forward with my life and leave my ghosts in the past.

Maybe they are punishing me for visiting Mark in prison. Perhaps they are still coping with everything that happened to me. I know my parents are still struggling. Just the extra details Momma added to my birthday celebration was indication enough that she is trying to make up for lost time.

But no matter how special you make the present, it’s the past that is the haunting reminder of just how volatile time is. One day you think you have all the time in the world. Then the next months pass by and you can’t even remember them.

As much as it unnerves me to be left out of the choices made about my well-being, I know that Graham and Nic have good hearts, and that their decisions are a direct result of the evil they have encountered when I was drugged.

Mark Tanner causing me harm has had a huge impact on so many lives, and I’d be a fool not to acknowledge that. I don’t blame my brothers for wanting to protect me, but I’m an adult. I am twenty-two years old, and need to continue to make my own mistakes and learn from them.

I’m not perfect.

But I also am not stupid. Sure, I don’t have a college degree, but I am perceptive and resourceful.

“Penny?”

My mind snaps to the present when Collins starts removing his shirt over his head and unbuttoning his jeans.

I dampen my dry lips with my tongue. Then I remember his declaration earlier about no sex tonight.

“Are you”—I motion to his crotch with my hand—“changing your mind? I mean, I won’t object.” Shit, I sound like a deprived teenager on the verge of puberty.

Collins stares at me, stopping his zipper’s descent. “No, Penelope. I’m simply getting ready for bed and so should you.”

I point a finger into the mattress underneath me. “I’m staying here?”

He continues to slide down his jeans. “Yes.”

My eyes zero in on his black boxer briefs. They make his body look even more fit.

I can’t help but imagine his strong legs straining as he pumps inside me. Or using them to anchor me against the wall while he thrusts up into me. Yep, I’m not sure I can sleep comfortably knowing that he’ll be practically naked beside me.

“You’re sure we can’t activate the Bodyguard With Benefits package tonight?”

“I’m sure.”

“Can we at least spoon?” It’s a simple question. “Why are you smirking at me?”

“Probably because you’ve already asked me so many questions, and I can’t help but admire your desire for an interrogation.” He shrugs. “Maybe I find you utterly adorable.”

“Ew, no. Stop.”

“What?”

“Adorable equates to butterfly kisses and dry humping.”

“Wha—”

“And I want something rougher and passionate. Puppies and looking for cloud shapes in the sky are adorable.” Running my hands up my body, I toss my hair over my shoulders. “I want to be the girl who makes you break your rules.”

Collins crawls onto the bed, threading his fingers through my hair as he tugs me closer. “What if I find you equal parts adorable and sexy?”

I close the distance, bringing my lips to his. And we feast and explore.

When I can take no more, I pull back to catch my breath, as my lungs pant for air.

“I would say that I’m okay with it, as long as you don’t treat me like I’m fragile. I want to be broken in a little. I want to know what it feels like the day after you take me.”

“Hmm…”

“Part of me is excited to be a little sore, but only because I trust you to make it”—I pause to think of the right word—“memorable. And worth it.”

“Penny,” he exhales. “I’m struggling to control myself.”

“Good.”

“Not good—reckless.”

“Now that sounds like a good time.”

Sitting back, Collins seems to be battling internally with his next step. Then, suddenly he helps me untie my halter top. I think he’s completely shifted into gear, but then he starts to move away.

“You are giving me whiplash,” I huff out an exhale. “What is going on with you?”

“I’ll go get you some of your clothes from your room and?—”

“No.” I pull on his arm to stop him from leaving. “Can I just wear your shirt?”

Collins smiles and slides off the bed to move into the closet. “Sure.”

When he returns, I move my hands up to my breasts, inviting his eyes to the banquet.

I will be his. He just needs to take me.

But it’s just a fantasy—a wish—that he would make a move and stop leaving me dangling from the cliff of my own self-doubt.

“Not tonight, Penny.”

My hope deflates with the sting of yet another rejection.

I turn my back to him and strip down until I’m just wearing a scanty pair of panties, discarding everything else into a pile on the floor. His warming presence is what I feel first as he presses his front against my back.

“Lift your arms.”

I raise them above my head and watch as Collins’s soft, faded gray T-shirt slides over my naked torso, ending with the hem at midthigh.

“And you’re certain we aren’t having sex tonight?”

“Yes, I’m certain, Penny.”

“Challenge accepted.”

“No challenge. At least not tonight.”

Fine . “Good night, Collins.”

“Good night, Penny.”