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thirty

*ADEN*

I t’s night when I reach Sterling’s cottage.

He didn’t exaggerate when he said it needs to have quite a lot of work done, but he didn’t convey how beautiful the surroundings truly are.

I am not surprised he doesn’t want this to become a tourist spot.

The lake has a sandy beach, a private area and is suitable for swimming.

There is a bridge, and plenty of space to sit or lie comfortably.

I was expecting a forest surrounding this place, but it’s all free, just bushes, some grass and a sandy beach.

Almost as if I am at the ocean, on a wild, deserted island.

Funny how such a place exists so close to the buzzing city, and I had no idea it was here. A true hidden gem.

“Aden…”

I turn around to see Noel. He must have heard the sound of my car and stepped outside the cottage. He looks pale and exhausted, and as though he has been crying. My eyes wander down to his hand, where he is holding his phone.

“I ran out of battery when I arrived here earlier today,” he blurts out.

“Is that the reason no one was able to reach you?”

“Yes, though… I guess right at the beginning I wouldn’t have been able to pick up either way.”

Well, at least he is honest.

“I am so sorry,” he says, sounding miserable. “I didn’t mean to disappear like that. I just… ran. And when I came to my mind again, I was here. My phone wasn’t working, and it was too late for me to walk back on foot.”

“Are you telling me you dissociated the whole way from my place to this?” I ask, instantly alarmed.

Noel looks anxious at my words, as if he is scared that I might reprimand him in case he does. “It doesn’t happen a lot,” he hurries to explain. “Actually, it barely happens. It used to happen when my parents would”—he stops before breathing a sigh—“when they would beat me while they were drunk.”

I look at him once more, noting how tired he looks. The run-in with his mother had a long-lasting effect on him, like the last time. It’s worse this time because she sought him out in person. “I won’t let her bother you ever again,” I tell him. “Let’s go inside and talk there.”

The inside of the little house is spacious and surprisingly well-built, but everything is dusty, the furniture obviously ancient and run down, and it looks like there is some water damage from the last couple of thunderstorms. The worst is the kitchen. Now that could do with a face-lift.

But all in all, this place has a charm to it, much more than I expected it to have, and a lot of potential.

“How majorly did I fuck up?” Noel asks.

I turn to look at him. “You promised me you wouldn’t run again,” I say instead of an answer.

He looks crestfallen, but nods. “You are right.”

“Why did you run this time?”

For a while, Noel stays quiet, then he sits down on the dusty sofa.

“I used to take drugs,” he tells me. “When I was a teen. I… my parents kept sending me to do their dirty business and had me buy their drugs for them. They said a kid would be less suspicious, and they were right.” He pauses.

“I made friends.” He laughs bitterly, before repeating the last words and using his fingers to put them under quotation marks.

“Obviously, not real friends, just people who wanted to sell stuff to me. I never did the hard drugs, but still, I was pretty deep in, and I guess any longer and I would have been sucked into the life and become my parents.”

My heart sinks for him. I don’t think I can truly imagine how horrible his upbringing and his life really were.

He was a child, and instead of being protected, he was abused and taken advantage of.

I finally close the distance between us and sit down next to him.

“You did what you did to survive,” I tell him while trying to figure out what had triggered him in his talk with Lynn.

The puzzle pieces are slowly coming together.

“You lost your last boyfriend to drugs,” he blurts out, his eyes filling with tears.

So, that’s what it was. “Noel—”

“I know what you see when you look at me—”

“Noel,” I interrupt him, this time sharply. “Would you let me get a word in, please?”

He shuts up, but his lips are still quivering.

“I did lose Emil to drugs. I was devastated, but I already told you that losing him was not all that ruined me; it was the toxicity of our relationship altogether. Because no matter what I did, how much I tried, how often I begged, and how much I wished my love would be the reason for him to at least try, he wouldn’t let me help him.

He would pretend to get better, just to take advantage of me and my money, and then fall even deeper.

I completely stopped dating after he died, and instead went for guys who weren’t my type at all because I knew they wouldn’t get me hurt. ”

“I am your type,” he mutters.

“Yes, and I took the leap for you, because you are honest and very straightforward. You want to know what I see when I look at you? I see a man who had it rough in his childhood, who was parentified and forced to be responsible for an alcoholic mother and an addicted father. He saw his parents rot, and had drugs thrown at him at a young age. He couldn’t help but get into drugs himself.

He was forced to steal food for his deadbeat parents.

But he got free, and he got clean, and turned his life around completely. ”

“It’s just…” he mutters. “I must remind you so much of Emil.”

His words give me a stitch in my chest. This is my fault.

I should have told him everything much sooner.

Now he found out on his own, spiraled into an anxiety attack, and now, is struggling with his self-doubt.

“You do, but not in the way you think you do. You showed me what could have been if Emil had allowed me to help him. If Emil were honest and genuine.” I pause.

“Noel, in case it isn’t obvious, you are it for me.

I have never acted around a partner like I have with you. ”

“I love you, too,” he says before he lets out a frustrated groan. “And I ran again. I am so sorry. I disappointed you. I promised you I wouldn’t.”

“You didn’t disappoint me, you hurt me, that’s vastly different.”

Noel pales at my words. “How is that any better? I don’t want to hurt you, ever!”

“Because it will happen in any relationship. There will be times you will hurt me, and vice versa. We are just human, and we make mistakes. It doesn’t mean I am disappointed. We only need to learn how to handle the issues we have and how we navigate them to have a healthy relationship.”

Noel pinches his nose. “I need to do better in these situations.”

I put an arm around his shoulder and nod.

“We can agree on that. I know you act on instinct when your anxiety kicks in. But it does trigger me,” I admit.

“There were days when Emil disappeared, and I had to search for him until I’d find him half-dead somewhere.

I know you are just retreating to calm down from your anxiety, but in my mind, I already see you being hurt, or worse… ”

“I wasn’t aware,” he admits. “I… when my anxiety attacks, I just feel the need to run. Not necessarily away from you, just to run.”

“Okay, I think I understand. But can we at least find a strategy? Something that doesn’t make you run away and hide, and helps me know where you are.”

“You are not going to leave me?!” He looks so scared that it hurts my chest. Maybe this is also part of why he runs in such a situation. He is anxious and lacks trust.

“No, why would I? I don’t like having to chase you like that, because it worries me, but I am not going to leave you for having anxiety attacks.”

“So, what can I do?” he asks.

“Let me hire a therapist for you, without arguing with me about money,” I say, noting how he furrows his brows.

“Not fair,” he mutters.

“But this is benefiting both of us,” I point out. “If you want, I can occasionally join you.”

“You would do that?”

“Sure, I have enough baggage to talk about.”

This finally draws a smile from him. “Alright, then I accept the offer, without arguing… much.”

“You could also send me a message; one word would be enough.”

He nods, much to my relief, looking quite eager. “Yes, I… I will try doing that. But what if I forget my phone? Or like today, when my phone is dead?”

“Then go to a place I will find you at.”

“Why the fuck did I not think about that?” he exclaims. “I can absolutely do that. But where to?”

“How about here?”

“Here.” He blinks. “It’s Sterling’s old place. He got it from his grandpa.”

“He told me he doesn’t like it much because his grandpa pretty much disowned him and never helped him or his sister, until the very last,” I say.

“That’s true.”

“He also said it’s up for sale,” I say.

“You… you want to buy it?” he asks, stunned.

“Why not? It’s the type of place we both dreamed of as a retreat, didn’t we?” I look around. “It needs some work, but it definitely can become a safe space.”

Noel’s eyes widen. “Under one condition.”

“And what’s that?”

“I want to contribute. I am going to be free of my debt soon, and your lawyer told me I probably will get some compensation, too, for the last couple of years. I know I can’t add much to the deposit, but I want to put a little bit on it.”

I want to tell him to save his money for his studies or just enjoy life a bit, but looking at him now, I know it’s important to him.

“I will tell Cedric to contact my lawyer,” I say.

“He will draft a contract for you. In case something happens to me, you will own the place. And in case we separate, you will own it too.”

“But that’s not fair.”

“It is fair. You are contributing as much as you can, and it’s just fair, you get something in case things turn wrong between us.

” I take his hand. “I know deep down you are a romantic, Noel, even if you try to be rational, and I love that about you. Actually, I think I am the same. But remember how you told me you can’t quit your job, because you need to stay independent in case things go wrong between us? ”

He nods.

“This is exactly the same situation. There are times you need to be selfish too, and think about your own safety and future.”

Noel rubs over his face with the palm of his hand. “I am working on being more reasonable.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think you are unreasonable.”

“Then, I will try to be more trusting,” he says. “Also, in myself.” He looks around. “The place is romantic, isn’t it? Wild and romantic.”

“I thought the same.”

“We’ll plan this together, won’t we?” he asks. “That alcove there, wouldn’t that look nice for a place you could paint at?”

I nod. “And here,”—I point at the middle of the room—“is the perfect place for a carpet, where you could lie naked, and I could draw you.”

Noel grins. “No one would ever believe me if I told them how silly you can be.”

“That’s why I save it for you,” I say.

Noel tilts his head, a thoughtful expression on his face. “I like the sound of that,” he admits. “Shall we go home? I don’t think we can stay the night.”

“We probably could,” I mutter. “But I doubt we’d want to. Let’s go.”

Before we can leave, Noel halts, forcing me to stop. “I’d like to take you up on your offer,” he finally says.

“Which one?”

“I want to move in with you.”

My heart stutters for a moment. I thought it would take him a bit longer to agree to moving into my place.

He grins. “You look shocked.”

“I didn’t expect you to agree so soon,” I admit.

“Does that mean you changed your mind?”

“Not at all. I told you, I am all in.”

Noel smiles warmly. “I am all in, too.”