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fifteen

ADEN

I skim through the information Cedric has put together, scribbling down notes on the parts that need improvement. Overall, he takes direction and feedback well, and this project he is working on is already so much better than he did two weeks ago.

I hand him back his folder. “You can work this into the presentation for next week,” I tell him. “Take a look at the notes.”

He gazes inside the folder. “Still so much to improve,” he sighs.

I smile at him. “You have already improved a lot.”

“Really?” He beams as if he just wasn’t bummed two seconds ago. Then he balls one of his hands into a fist. “I will get even better! Thank you, sir!”

I don’t even manage to utter a reply before he has already dashed out of my office. Outside, I can see him bump into one of the female employees. He profusely apologizes and then chats happily with her, sometimes pointing at my office while he does so.

I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying not to pay Cedric any more attention. This kid will be the end of me.

Talking about the end of me…

I gaze at my phone. Fuck, I should focus on my work, but Noel just doesn’t leave my mind. He left almost immediately after we had sex and now, one day later, he still hasn’t replied to my messages, not even the one where I asked if he returned home safely.

“Everything alright?”

I raise my head to look at Lynn. “How long have you been standing there?”

She raises her brows. “A couple of minutes. I called your name, but you were so distracted you didn’t answer.

” She tilts her head. “Is everything alright? And before you answer, let me tell you, I know it isn’t, so don’t think about lying.

” I am still contemplating how to send her away when she folds her arms. “My date dumped me.”

This catches my attention immediately. “You mean the guy you introduced to me during the exhibit?”

“Yes. Not that I was too involved already, but it’s starting to annoy me. Somehow, I always manage to attract guys who turn around and leave the moment they see where I work.”

Where she works isn’t the problem, but I know what she is truly saying. “They are insecure assholes.”

“Although I am always honest about me being a co-CEO,” she says. “Somehow they don’t believe it until they see it.” She pauses. “Now, so much about me. I told you why my mood is terrible. Your turn now.”

I sigh. “Close the door.”

Lynn does what I told her and steps closer, sitting down on the chair in front of my desk. “The cutie, huh?”

“How do you know?”

“Come on!” She laughs. “You suddenly act unlike your usual self at work, right after you were at that exhibition with him, at which you also weren’t like your usual self. That guy clearly is doing something to you. So, spill the beans.”

I shift my pen between my hands. Maybe she is right. My normal reaction would be to leave it at that. Noel ran after our night together and didn’t reply to me. I should probably take the cue and not reach out to him anymore, and take it as what it is.

But then I think of the vulnerable look in his eyes.

I don’t know why, but he looked so anxious and hurt.

And somehow, I don’t want to leave it at that, so I tell Lynn the short version of what happened.

“Man, Aden.” She is clearly stunned. “I can barely believe it.”

“I know, it’s a mess.”

“That’s not it,” she tells me. “Sure, it’s a bit messy, but not worse than other stories I have heard. But you care for that guy!”

“Lynn—”

“I am so happy,” she blurts out. “My God, Aden, I am so happy. You like the guy!”

“I think you are focusing on the wrong details right now,” I say. “He literally ran from me.”

“It’s not the wrong focus. Finally, you have let someone in again, or you are starting to let someone in, and I guess that’s where the problem lies.”

Now, she has clearly piqued my curiosity. “What do you mean?”

“You have opened the door a little, but not fully. I don’t know Noel well, but from what you told me, it sounds like he went through a lot.”

“It does,” I admit. “I don’t know much, but the job at that sleazy bar gives it away.”

“He is insecure, Aden,” she says. “I can’t believe I need to spell it out to you, but you are an intimidating guy to be with.”

Her words make me laugh. “Now you are being ridiculous!”

“Well, you are not intimidating to me , but that’s because I know you and you are my friend. But you have been intimidating to all your assistants—”

“Cedric isn’t intimidated by me.”

“He is,” she points out. “He just knows how to handle it, and he likes the job, and he also likes working with you despite being intimidated.” She pauses.

“And as for your slightly anxious boyfriend? Definitely intimidated. You are extremely well-put together, very much in control, successful, and you barely share anything with anyone. It’s extremely hard to read you.

Noel is easy to read. I can tell already after only meeting him once.

His emotions are all over his face, but you…

You are like a closed book with a lock on it, and a super-strong, magical spell guarding said lock. ”

I let her words sink in, looking at her thoughtfully. “Is this how others perceive me?”

“Yes,” she says. “It’s not necessarily bad. For the gallery, it’s pretty much a huge selling point how you are, but for a relationship, it can be scary.”

“But you can read me well,” I point out.

“Yeah,” she says. “I also know you very well. I saw you through the eyes of Oliver’s girlfriend first before becoming your friend. We go back years.” She pauses. “You really like this guy, don’t you?”

“Would I be as concerned as I am if I didn’t?” I ask.

“You are doing it again.” Lynn tilts her head. “You need to say it,” she tells me. “Don’t rebuff this question, don’t deflect. I know why…” Her voice trails off. “If you can’t even tell me, how will you ever tell him? And he needs to hear it sooner than later.”

There is a lot Lynn is saying, but also a lot she isn’t saying.

She knows why I am so reluctant. Emil has messed me up.

He broke my trust, my hope in a future together with him or anyone, and my heart.

I try to push the image of him aside and replace it with Noel.

There are similarities, but they are mostly on the surface.

Noel is different in the areas that are important to me.

I don’t like mind games. Emil used to play them all the time, maybe not on purpose, but the outcome was the same. As for Noel, I don’t think he is playing games.

When Lynn twirls around in her chair, she finally pulls me back into reality, into today. “I like him,” I finally say. “But I can’t tell if this relationship is going to be healthy for me or not.”

“He runs when he is upset,” Lynn concludes.

“And I don’t like the chase,” I admit. “Not anymore. You know that.”

“Then tell him,” she says. “Jeez, Aden, I get you. I don’t like these games either. But you need to communicate with the guy. He doesn’t know a thing about you. All he can do is guess, and believe me when I tell you, he for sure isn’t a mind reader.”

“Alright,” I mutter. “It’s not like I can get him out of my head anyway.”

She smacks me with the folder she is holding. “That’s the right spirit.”

*NOEL*

I am such a lost case, completely and utterly lost. Aden took me to that exhibition. He was sweet and appreciative of me, and he was attentive. He took me home and didn’t do anything against my consent.

He wanted me to stay the night.

He wanted me…

I groan. “Damn it!”

“When you have stopped hating yourself, hand me the new colors I bought,” Ster says.

I do as he asks, careful not to get my clothes dirty. I have put on Aden’s sweater today, after I spent the whole previous day panicking about what to do and how to answer Aden’s messages. I was so petrified that I ended up not answering at all.

The sweater smells like him. It’s comforting and terrifying at the same time.

I might have just fucked this relationship up before it even started.

“I fucked up, didn’t I?” I say into the silence.

“You did,” Ster says simply. “But it’s nothing you can’t solve.”

“What am I supposed to do or say to him?”

“I don’t know, but think of something fast, because he’ll be here in a minute.”

I stare at him. “What!” I squeak.

“He called Mateo an hour ago and asked him where you are.” Ster looks at me, amused. “He has you figured out, Noel. He knows you will chicken out and not answer if he calls you directly.”

“Am I that much of a wimp?”

“Yeah,” Ster says mercilessly. “In this case, you are. The poor guy. Just imagine you take someone home, sleep with them and then the person bolts. And ghosts you afterwards. How would you feel?”

“Are you kidding me? I would feel horrible! It would completely shatter me and my non-existent confidence,” I admit. “I had it happen to me plenty of times.” I pause. “Oh, fuck it. I just did the same thing those assholes did to me.”

“If you want my opinion,” he says. “You are asking too much of the guy.”

“I just want him to trust me,” I admit.

“Trust is built. It’s not magically there,” Ster says.

“You told me he seems to have issues with his brother. We don’t know what kind of issues these are.

He is not obliged to open up to you immediately.

You need to give it time. You know better than anyone else how much your own past can have a chokehold over you. ”

“I didn’t tell him anything either,” I admit. “I am such a hypocrite.”

“You are scared,” Ster analyzes. “But normally not that scared. It was your mom, wasn’t it? Her message…”

“Maybe,” I say quietly. Whenever my mom reaches out to me, it usually is a huge trigger.

It was the same this time, too. Ster and Mateo know how to handle me when it happens, but Aden has no clue.

I didn’t tell him anything, yet I expected him to open up to me, to soothe my anxiety. “How can I stop being scared?”

“You can’t,” Ster says. “That’s the worst part about anxiety.

It’s always there, lurking in a corner and jumping at you when you have your guard down.

The only thing you can do is take risks despite your anxiety being there.

Roxana’s therapist gave her the advice to use these worst-case scenarios she is imagining, just like you do, and try to overwrite them with a positive image. ”

“I could try,” I admit.

“This could be something good,” Ster says. “This thing with Aden. You deserve something good.”

“I really like him,” I hear myself say before I bury my face behind my hands. “Fuck, I like him.”

Instead of an answer, I hear Ster’s doorbell. And this time, I have nowhere to run to, although every inch of my body wants to just get away from here, too scared to face Aden and the possible rejection.

“Come in,” Ster calls out towards the door. “It’s unlocked.”

When Aden enters, he is his usual neat self.

It looks like he just came from work, but even then, he doesn’t look tired.

I watch him; how he slips out of his jacket, neatly puts it on the rack, and takes off his shoes.

My God, he is so handsome. I feel something in my chest, a longing, so painful it takes my breath away.

“Thank you for allowing me to come over, Sterling,” he says, before walking straight towards me.

Like a complete nutcase I am rooted to my place on Ster’s chair, not able to say anything or to move. I must look like a deer caught in the headlights, because Aden’s stoic expression softens visibly. “You look like I am about to bite your head off.”

When he reaches out his hand to pat my head, it’s like a dam lets loose.

I can only wrap my arms around his middle, burying my head in his stomach.

I love him. The realization makes my chest ache, the same dull feeling I have been battling with the whole day.

It’s a mix of longing and fear. My love for Aden hurts so much.

It’s scary, yet I want so much more of it.

Aden’s longer fingers keep brushing through my hair. He doesn’t say anything, but I guess if he wanted to dump me, he wouldn’t be so gentle right now.

“Well, you obviously don’t need me right now,” Ster says. When I glance at him, he is already trotting back into his atelier. “Close the door when you leave. And invite me for dinner later. You owe me!”