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twenty-two

*ADEN*

I can’t believe I dragged the person I love into my family mess. The whole way home and up until Noel meeting my family, I was wondering if I was doing the right thing. It’s selfish of me to take Noel along, I know that, yet I can’t deny how much more relaxed I feel with him next to me.

Usually, on the rare occasions I join a family get-together, I sit around feeling awkward, like the outsider I have always been here.

No matter how hard my mother tries or how many questions my brothers ask, there is always something inside me that recoils.

An automatic tension, almost appearing immediately when they talk, as though I am expecting the worst. When we were kids, and they asked something, they would mock my answer at best, and downright bully me at worst.

I just can’t trust them or myself in this house.

Home is a weird concept. I know from Lynn and from old acquaintances how it’s supposed to feel.

I have a vague idea of how I should feel when I come home, but unfortunately for me, home doesn’t feel like much.

It’s the house I grew up in, but there is no lingering warmth, no comfort, nothing that makes me feel like I belong or that makes me wish to return here.

While my mom fills the place with love with her presence, it only lasts as long as she stands next to me.

The only change this year is having Noel with me. It’s like the sun is shining on me, giving me the energy and strength I need to get through this dinner without having to shut myself in completely.

“How do you like the food?” Mom asks Noel.

“It’s fantastic,” he exclaims. “I am usually not too big on roasted duck, but this is honestly one of the best things I’ve ever had, Mrs. Randall.”

My mom’s face lights up with his obvious honest excitement. “Please, call me Maggie, dear.”

Noel looks so happy that it warms my heart. “Thank you for being so welcoming, Maggie,” he says.

“See, your boyfriend obviously likes me,” Mom tells me joyfully. “You need to bring him along more often.”

“Maybe I should ask you to visit us and cook for us once in a while,” I say, not ready to promise her to visit more often.

“That would be fun,” Noel says. “Though I like your cooking too.”

“You cook, Aden?” Linda, Kayden’s fiancée, asks.

“I am trying to, at least,” I tell her.

“Don’t be so modest,” Noel intervenes. “His cooking kicks ass. Must run in the family.”

Linda and Francis’ wife exchange a look and burst into laughter. “It doesn’t,” Linda grins. “Emily and I know from experience. Though from what I’ve heard, it seems Oliver is doing okay-ish in the kitchen.”

“Francis can’t cook to save his life,” Emily grins.

“But I help,” he says.

Emily smiles, kissing his cheek. “You do,” she says softly.

“Martin is trying, too,” Mom muses.

“Then it’s just you who picked up cooking skills?” Noel asks me. It’s so obvious he’s using this chance to have a subtle dig at my brothers. It’s hilarious. “Must be great to be a genius.”

“I am not a genius,” I chuckle.

“You totally are. The whole package, really.” His cheeks flush slightly, as if he only just realizes what he said. “Well, it’s true,” he mutters more to himself than to anyone else.

Obviously, Mom is head over heels for him.

She has always been worried about me never introducing anyone to her, and for barely sharing anything about my life.

Now she looks like she is bursting with joy.

I guess from her perspective, I can understand how she feels.

She must be relieved to see how much Noel seems to like me.

“Wait till you see Mom’s dessert,” Kayden says. “She went completely overboard this time.”

“Of course I did. It’s rare that we are all together.”

I turn to Noel. “Her desserts are fantastic.”

“We used to fight over the last pieces of her cakes all the time,” Martin adds.

The others discuss this a bit further, while I can’t help but fall silent.

There is not much I can say about it. He is right, we always fought about dessert, though it was rather them fighting and me not even daring to make a go for it. I never had any chance.

I wonder how life is for siblings who receive love from their older siblings. I get why Martin saw me as a rival, as we were closer in age, but Kayden is ten years older and didn’t feel the urge to protect me much either.

Under the table, I can feel Noel’s warm hand reaching out and resting on my knee.

Yes, bringing him along was the best idea I’ve had in a long time. That and deciding to date him.

“Noel is a sweetheart,” Mom says to me when Kayden and I help her with the dishes. She sent the others off to do some other tasks. Only refusing help from Noel, Linda and Emily.

“He is,” I say.

“It’s obvious how much he loves you,” Kayden adds.

I stay silent at his words, but when Mom turns to me and smiles, I can’t help but return the smile. “You are happy, aren’t you?”

“Noel makes me happy,” I say honestly. “He brings so much warmth into my life.”

“How did you get to know each other?”

I don’t mind telling my mother, but I don’t want to have all my brothers know so many details about my private life. “Come and visit us,” I tell her. “And you will get the whole story.”

“Then I will come for sure,” she beams. “Do you know when you have the next free weekend?”

“I don’t have my schedule with me,” I admit. “But I will tell Lynn to give you a call on Monday.”

My mom rolls her eyes, but then looks at me, amused. “To think I need to go through a second person to set a date with one of my sons is unbelievable.”

“You know how Aden is,” Kayden says.

My eyes snap towards him immediately. “What do you mean?”

For a moment, Kayden looks surprised, but then he smiles softly. “You and your phone, dude. You are not made for each other.”

I relax slightly. “Ah, right.”

“You never have it with you,” Mom sighs dramatically.

“Send a letter next time,” I tell her.

Mom pouts while Kayden bursts into laughter. “Or a carrier pigeon,” he grins.

“I’d also accept a message through Morse code,” I add.

“You two are impossible,” Mom exclaims. “Grab the dessert, Kayden, and bring it to the table. My God, you boys.”

Kayden grins while he follows her back to the dining room.

It’s only when I follow him that I realize I just joked with him.

I didn’t notice. Now that I do, I am not sure how to feel about it.

Usually, I jump to conclusions and expect the worst immediately, like when Kayden commented on my phone, but for a split second, I forgot to overthink my interaction with him.

Is this how things could be?

Well, technically, I understand that things could be like that, I am just not sure if I truly want it. Suddenly, there is a stitch in my chest. Kayden laughed. He laughed with me, but it’s the same laugh he had when he laughed and mocked me for being gay.

Everything Kayden says or does always strains my nerves.

Like when he called me in the middle of night, and Noel had stayed over for the first time.

He was drunk and begging me to come over, and then complained that I never want to see them.

Looking back at the talk now, it wasn’t even anything dramatic; I just can’t help but see the worst in him.

My gaze almost instinctively goes towards the table, hoping to see Noel there. My anchor. But he doesn’t seem to be around.

“Linda, do you know where Noel went off to?”

“Oh,” she smiles. “He went outside onto the veranda to catch some fresh air.”

“Thank you.” Overall, she is a very kind woman. I am not sure how Kayden won someone like her over, though, that might be unfair to think. Linda only knows the person Kayden is today, not the one he was when he was a teen.

Difficult. Everything about this place is exhausting.

“I am going to fetch him for dessert,” I tell Mom, before turning around and walking through the living room to the veranda. The door there is leaning open, and I spot Noel standing, his hands on the balustrade, while he looks at the starry sky.

“The night sky here is particularly beautiful.”

The voice startles both Noel and me. Noel turns his head, his stance stiffening slightly when he sees Oliver. The latter has two bottles of wine in his hand. He must have fetched them from Mom’s storage, a small shed with a heater where she keeps some of her groceries.

“It’s beautiful,” Noel finally answers.

It might not be noticeable to many people, but I can pick up the strain in his voice. It makes it even more important that he came here for me today, to help me. I’ll bet this is an exhausting evening for him.

Shaking my head, I reach out towards the door. I don’t want to eavesdrop like a little kid, that is, until Oliver’s voice stops my hand.

“You don’t like me much, do you?”

Noel shrugs. “I don’t know you. Just what Aden told me about you.”

“And that’s nothing good,” Oliver adds.

“Would you?” Noel asks. “Tell nice things about yourself? Would you tell me that you were a great brother who protected his younger sibling?”

Oliver is silent. “Probably not,” he admits.

Noel shrugs once more. “There you have it.”

“Some bridges are hard to rebuild,” he says quietly. “I know that. The others do too, but I don’t think they are aware of how big the damage truly is.”

“But you are?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“It took for your girlfriend to dump you to realize, though,” he points out.

Oliver flinches slightly. “I knew it all along, which makes it so much worse. I was a coward. When Lynn left me, it was finally the wake-up call I needed to truly make a change. But I guess it was too late. Or is it?” He looks at Noel like he has all the answers.

Noel pulls his hands away from the balustrade and puts them in his pocket. “I don’t know. I am not Aden, so I can’t answer that. But you are way too pushy in the wrong way. And believe me, I know a thing or two about being pushy.”

“How am I supposed to reconnect with him then?”

“How about doing it his way, or in a way that’s not forcing him into doing something he hates?

” he offers. “This is ridiculous. You are a functioning adult. You must know that you are just forcing all of this on him, to make him reconcile with you quickly, probably to relieve your conscience. You need to do it for Aden, and not for yourself.”

“You are saying I am being selfish.”

“I guess I am.”

Noel’s words make me smile. Yeah, he can be merciless like that.

Oliver snorts. “You are one of a kind. So, what do you suggest?”

“I don’t suggest anything. I am obviously on Aden’s side and always will be, but, at least don’t push him. You keep calling him and pushing him to meet you, while that is nothing he likes to do. Why don’t you just start with, I don’t know, talk? Through messages or emails.”

“He barely answers.”

“Yeah, because you always want him to come home or meet one of you. Of course, he doesn’t answer. Just ask him how he is or what he is up to. Normal small talk.”

“Like strangers,” Oliver mutters.

“Yes, like strangers, and go from there.”

From the dining room, I can hear voices that seem to approach. Yeah, I should probably make sure I am not caught listening to my boyfriend and brother. Besides, I have eavesdropped way too long anyway.

Taking a couple of short breaths, I step back slightly before approaching the veranda door again. I make some loud walking sounds, opening the door as if I just arrived.

“Oh, Aden,” Oliver mutters.

“What are you doing here?” I ask. “Mom is waiting with the dessert.”

“Oh fuck, right!” Oliver exclaims. “I am going!”

I nod, waiting for him to leave so that Noel and I can have a moment together. Noel keeps looking at me, his body tensing slightly. “You heard us, didn’t you?”

“I am sorry, I was looking for you and couldn’t help but listen.”

I can see how panic crosses his features. “I overstepped, didn’t I?”

For a moment, I can only look at him, scanning his deep eyes, which hold so many emotions, and his lips, which are quivering right now.

He is proud, strong, and confident, while also vulnerable and insecure.

Yet, he so openly told Oliver his opinion.

No one ever did that for me before. “I love you.”

“What…” Noel’s mouth drops open before his cheeks flush a beautiful pink. “Do you… Do you really mean it?”

“Yes, I love you. I have known for a while, but seeing you stand up for me just made me realize I need to tell you.”

“I am so glad you said it! Because I love you too! I mean, obviously, I already said it once.” Noel basically jumps into my arms. “And you are not mad that I gave your brother attitude?”

I take his face between my hands, brushing over his cheeks with my thumbs. “Why would I? You were amazing. Thank you for having my back, Noel.”