Page 15

fourteen

*NOEL*

I am not sure how long I slept, but it’s still dark when I wake up.

Aden has his arm draped around me, his eyes still closed, and his chest heaving slightly.

He is still asleep, and even in his sleep, he looks so handsome.

Something about waking up next to him makes my head spin.

I have never done that before, or rather, no guy ever wanted it with me.

It’s so intimate. Maybe more so than having him fuck me.

With the realization comes the usual sinking feeling in my stomach.

I am getting used to this. Too soon, too fast. It’s not even a week since I started dating Aden, though even calling it dating might be too much, and I am already way too attached to this guy.

This wasn’t supposed to happen! I am not supposed to fall head over heels for someone I barely know. It’s just going to get my heart broken.

Aden stirs slightly. “You are awake,” he mumbles while sitting up and gazing at his watch. “It’s 3 a.m.”

I wonder if I should tell him that I just feel too anxious to sleep, but that would make everything more awkward. “I feel sticky,” I lie.

Aden touches my arm softly. “Feel free to use the bathroom. It’s the door on the right at the end of the corridor.”

At least this gives me the option to remove myself from this intimate situation and my own vulnerability, and get my thoughts straight.

A shower will warm me up and distract me a little.

Aden looks at me for a while, his gaze thoughtful.

He is pretty much like his usual self. The composed man who looks in control of every situation.

He isn’t exactly stoic, but very level-headed, very much in control of his emotions, and so fucking hard to read.

It seems like he wants to say something, but then just smiles at me. “You can find the towels in the cupboard in the bathroom. And there is a set of sweatpants and a sweater there, too. Take whatever you need.”

I wonder what he truly wanted to say.

Oh, damn it! Why couldn’t he just say it?

I am not any better, though. I just nod and smile like a dumbass and find my way out of his room, down the corridor and to the vast bathroom.

It’s… amazing! Beautiful tiles, simple decoration, tasteful furniture.

There are tiles in a colorful mosaic on one wall of the bathroom, and the bathtub looks old-fashioned, like from an old movie.

He also has a walk-in shower. Everything in this house seems to be intriguing, a mix between a modern style and a very individual one.

I tend to forget that Aden is an artist too, but it’s very obvious now that I see how he lives.

I wonder if he has an atelier.

He for sure does.

But will he show it to me?

I step into the shower, letting warm water dribble down on me. An atelier is very private. I know that from Ster. He is very particular about who he invites in and who he shows his drafts and private paintings to.

Will Aden let me in?

I don’t know how long I spend in the shower, but when I finally step out of it again, my skin is warm, the stickiness washed away, and the soreness smoothed away.

I feel a bit sad with the latter gone. There was something about feeling sore after Aden had fucked me that made me feel like I belong, like this is real.

And now it just feels like it was all in my head.

For a moment, I consider putting on my clothes from yesterday, but I am too grossed out to do that, so I grab a set of the spare clothes Aden mentioned. It must be his, because they are too large for me, especially around the arms and legs. Yet, it somehow feels comforting to wear them.

Comforting… and terrifying.

I slap my face a few times to wake myself up from whatever shitshow of an anxiety attack I am in.

I just had an awesome evening with Aden, which ended in the best sex I’ve ever had.

And I don’t even know his body and preferences properly yet.

How mind-blowing will it be once we have discovered each other’s sensitive spots?

That is, if Aden even wants me for more than one night.

My head is going down the path of doom, as Matteo calls it. I thought he was exaggerating, but now I think he has a point. I feel I will have to knock myself out to stop from thinking .

I don’t know how long I have been in the bathroom, but something tells me, if I stay any longer, Aden might come looking for me, and I really don’t want to inconvenience him.

Well, here goes nothing. The bathroom door opens and closes silently while I pat down the corridor back to the bedroom.

It’s still dark outside, but not pitch-black. Is dawn approaching?

I am about to open the bedroom door when I can hear Aden’s voice inside, surprisingly loud and surprisingly angry.

“Kayden, why did you call so late if it’s not an emergency?! It’s far past midnight!”

For a while, it’s silent.

“I am not avoiding you. Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t believe you are calling me so late. I thought it would be something with Mom!”

It might be something with Mom. Mom needs you. Do better for Mom.

Don’t be so useless!

I shake my head to will the thoughts away. The last thing I need now is to slip into an actual panic attack. Fuck, why did my mother have to reach out to me again? She fucked with my brain, like she always does when she finds my whereabouts and tries to drag me down with her.

“Kayden, I truly don’t want to talk about it now. You are drunk, I am not arguing with you.”

Drunk…

Again, I shake my head, deciding I need to stop lingering in front of the door and step inside. My chest clenches, and I don’t understand why. I don’t know what’s fucking me over so much now. It doesn’t make sense!

“I am going to hang up on you now.” He says, when I step inside. Aden is leaning against the window, his phone in his hand. “Oliver, is it you now? What is going on?”

To my surprise, Aden’s expression is upset. I thought he would be angry, but he actually looks hurt.

“I know, I figured he had one drink too many. Please leave me alone for now.”

Aden hangs up and puts his phone aside. He rests his hands on the windowsill, his face turned away from me, while he takes a couple of deep breaths.

“Aden,” I whisper. “Is everything alright?”

No, it’s not. Obviously! Why am I even asking?

It’s almost like I can watch the blinds going down again, and Aden’s whole expression becomes more distanced. “It’s nothing, don’t worry.”

“It’s not nothing. You were really upset. It was your brother, wasn’t it? Kayden?”

“Yes, it was my brother, but it’s nothing important.” The blinds go down completely, and Aden’s expression is suddenly almost blank. It’s such a stark contrast to how he was with me when he took me to bed.

I wonder if he will ever trust me.

But why would he?

You are nothing.

I am nothing. I have nothing to offer.

…useless…

I didn’t want you.

Why did you ruin everything?

I don’t want you, Noel, not like that.

Don’t make things complicated, Noel.

“Noel?” Aden’s voice startles me, pulling me out of my trail of thoughts. “Is something wrong?”

When I first stepped into Aden’s home, I wondered why I felt so off. Aden’s place is beautiful and warm, yet something spiked my anxiety. Now I know what it is. Everything in this place is perfect, but me. Everything belongs here, but I am completely out of place.

“I need to leave,” I blurt out.

Aden looks at me, confused. “Now?” he asks. “Why don’t you stay the remainder of the night? I will drive you home in the morning.”

“No, it’s fine.” I grab my remaining things.

Fortunately, I don’t have a lot with me, and I dash out of the room.

Behind me, I can hear Aden calling my name and saying something, but my ears don’t seem to pick anything up.

It’s a constant ringing that I hear, that blocks everything out. That, and a dull ache in my chest.

I am not sure how I made it home. I ran until I finally found a way to the subway. My mind was completely switched off. Once back home, the ringing in my ear has stopped, but the ache in my chest remains.