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twenty-nine

*ADEN*

M ateo has a deep frown on his face when Lynn wraps up the whole story once more.

Meanwhile, I try to remain calm and composed, while my thoughts are derailing again.

Noel is smart, he is efficient, he is a survivor.

I know him well enough by now to understand that he doesn’t just run to be away from me, but that his anxiety pushes him into a fight-or-flight response, and his usual response is to flee.

If he’d fight with me instead, I could catch him much better in the moment.

“You are pale, Aden,” Lynn says all of a sudden. Contrary to me, she has calmed down now and is her usual practical self, while I am slowly losing my grip on everything. She takes my hands now. “I know where your thoughts are going.”

“He could be dead,” I press out.

“He is not dead,” she emphasizes.

“You don’t know that.” My heart hammers against my chest, making my mind spin even more.

“He could have run into a car, or someone could have assaulted him or…

“ My mind goes to the several times I picked up Emil somewhere, from a shelter, from the street, from one of his drug addict friends, from the police. It was never good when he disappeared. “What if he is somewhere hurt and alone, and no one is there to help him? Fuck, I can’t even reach him.”

“Noel isn’t Emil,” she says. “He is a stable young man; he just has some mental health issues like you do. But he is the type of guy to work for his future, to work on his problems, and to tackle them. That’s what actually made you fall for him, isn’t it?”

Her words are surprisingly sobering. “You are right,” I mutter. “I was intrigued by Noel because he is my type, but fell for him because of the person he is.”

“See? This time, my big mouth just triggered something in him, and he needed to get out.” She glances at Mateo. “Did I get that correct?”

“Yeah,” he says. “But your mouth isn’t big, it’s very pretty. Besides, it’s not for me to say, but I don’t think you said too much. Noel can usually handle something like that. And if not, he has to learn how to do it in a constructive way.”

I am a little surprised by his words. Mateo and Sterling are Noel’s closest friends. They know him in ways I have never gotten to know him. But it’s also very relieving to know that despite them having his back, they don’t enable him.

It’s healthy for all of them.

It’s like Lynn has always been with me. Even during the phases of my darkest depression, she was there to get me out of the dark hole I was in, with all the understanding and all the gentleness she had, but she also dragged me to a therapist and called me out when I fucked up.

“Did his mom contact him again?” Mateo asks all of a sudden.

My eyes snap up. “I can’t believe I haven’t told you yet,” I say.

“Oh shit, something did happen?”

“She basically stalked him and followed him to my place. Then she assaulted him. I heard the commotion and went outside to make her leave.”

“You actually managed to do that?” Mateo asks.

“Yes, I threatened her with my lawyer and the police,” I say. “She looked terrified enough to back off.”

“Aden can be scary if he wants to,” Lynn explains to her boyfriend. “You wouldn’t believe it.”

“I am glad you did,” Mateo says. “And even gladder Noel saw you defend him and successfully make her fuck off. Seriously, Sterlone tried and got assaulted by her. I tried once, too, and she broke a bottle over my head.”

“What?” Lynn exclaims. “She did what? Wait, till I get my hands on that vile—”

“It was ages ago,” Mateo reassures her, but he looks happy when he looks at Lynn. Despite my own dire situation, I can only smile. I get it. Having the person you love defend you and have your back means more than anything else could. Noel had my back against my family. He always has my back.

It’s these final thoughts that sober me up completely.

“I need to find him,” I say. “I love Noel, I really do, and I won’t leave him hanging in such a moment of weakness.

I won’t leave because he fucks up once. But we do need to move past this issue of him running when he is anxious, to be able to proceed with a healthy relationship. ”

Mateo nods. “I get that, Aden.”

He looks thoughtful, almost distant. There is something he isn’t telling me. “Do you think he was jealous of Emil?” I push.

“No, I don’t think he is,” Mateo mutters.

“What is it… tell me, please.”

“Make him tell you about his past,” Mateo says.

“I know about his past.”

“I know you do, but maybe not of that part, and what it did to him and his confidence.”

I nod tentatively. He is right, I need to get to the bottom of this to understand his triggers and to know how to avoid them. “Do you know where he could hide?”

“I tried the usual places,” Mateo says. “But he isn’t there.”

“The usual places?”

“He has a set of places that feel emotionally safe to him,” Mateo explains.

Well, that’s not the worst situation then, and dims my internal image of him lying in a dark alley, hurt and assaulted, a little. However, Mateo just said he was nowhere to be found, making my heart sink once more. “Was he at none of these places?”

“I didn’t say that,” Mateo hurries to reassure me. “I was just able to check the places I know. Sterlone knows more. I will call him immediately.”

“No, let me do that,” I say. “He has me on emergency dial, so I can reach him when he is working. Besides, I want to hear from him directly where to look.”

“I think that’s for the best.” Mateo takes Lynn’s hand, and they move away a little to give me some privacy.

I don’t waste any time and immediately call Sterling. True to his promise to pick up whenever I call him, he does answer the phone. “It’s something with the next exhibit, isn’t it?” he asks before even greeting me. “I had a feeling it would be. They probably don’t want to show my work.”

His words surprise me, but as his mentor and supporter, they also fill me with relief.

He is nervous, and showing nerves before an exhibition is a sign that it is important to him.

I made a good choice with him. “Everything is alright with the exhibition,” I reassure him.

“I am calling because of something else.”

Sterling is quiet for a moment, and then. “What did he do? What happened?”

“How did you know?”

“The only time you call me when it’s not for work is about Noel,” he says.

“Perceptive as usual.” I don’t waste any time and summarize what happened, including the incident last night.

“My God,” Sterling sighs. “I am sorry, Aden. I… Noel is such a good guy, I know you know that. But I also know how difficult it is to grasp him in moments of his anxiety, and this comes from his best friend. I don’t even know what I'd do if he were my boyfriend. How are you holding up?”

With all our worry concerning Noel, no one–not even I–has asked this question. “I am scared,” I admit.

“And?”

“I might be a tad angry,” I admit.

“That’s good, and healthy,” Sterling reassures me. “Noel needs to be able to handle you being mad at him if he fucks up. Don’t be afraid of showing him how you feel.”

“I will.” I used to hold back all the time when I was with Emil, and it ate me up.

Not all of this is Emil’s fault. I could have had more of a backbone, too, especially regarding myself and my own feelings.

“But I know he runs when he is in panic. We’ll need to work around that somehow. Do you have an idea where he could be?”

“Mateo said he checked all the usual spots?”

“Yes.”

“There is one more,” Sterling muses. “He hardly goes there because it’s not the closest, but depending on what he needed when he left, he might have gone there.”

“Depending on what he needed?”

“Usually, he runs to a safe place. It could be mine, for example, or Mateo’s,” Sterling explains. “But if he needs absolute silence around him, there is just one place he could have gone to. Do you have a pen? I am going to tell you the address.”

I rummage in my pocket, taking out the pen and small notebook I always carry around. “Yes, go ahead.”

After Sterling gave me the address, his previous words make so much more sense. “That’s in the middle of nowhere,” I mutter. “Don’t tell me, he went there on foot?”

“He probably did run parts of it, but might have taken a cab for the remainder of the way,” Sterling says. “He is on autopilot usually when he has an anxiety attack. He dissociates.”

I remember last night, after his mother assaulted him. There was a moment when Noel seemed to be completely gone, far away in his mind.

“The place is safe, though,” Sterling continues. “I promise. It’s a small cottage next to a lake, on private property.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because it belongs to me,” Sterling says, a tremor in his voice.

“Or rather, it belonged to my late grandfather, who abandoned us for years until he was at the end of his life, and wanted to make amends. Roxana and I both hate the place. I want to sell it, but it’s hard to do so because it’s run-down and in the middle of nowhere. ”

His words linger with me for a while, while I keep staring at the address. “You have it up for sale?”

“Yeah, been trying to sell it for two years now, but those who are interested either don’t have the money, or they want to tear the place down and put a hotel there or a golf course, and I am not ready to have the place ruined. It’s a beautiful spot, you know?”

“I’d need to look at it to make a decision,” I mutter.

“Excuse me?”

“I will go there immediately,” I tell him. “Once I have found him and scolded him, I will make sure you know he is okay. Well, maybe not exactly in that order. But I will send you and Mateo a message. For everything else, I will call you tomorrow.”