Page 40 of Hexual Healing
I spent the next hour trying to set up defenses, but everything I touched turned into something else.The garden hose tried to speak at length on its opinions about water distribution.And the wheelbarrow started offering unsolicited relationship advice.
“You need to communicate your feelings,” it told me in a tinny voice.“Have you considered couples therapy?”
“I'm not even dating anyone!”I protested.
The wheelbarrow, Baz, Gary, the butterflies, half the town, and even the disco ball all gave me identical skeptical looks.
“We're not dating,” I insisted.“We're just…cohabitating.With sexual tension.And a mate bond that’s forming against our will.”
“That's literally dating,” Dee Dee said, having appeared with a tray of sandwiches.“Eat.You can't fight dragons on an empty stomach.”
“How doeseveryoneknow about the dragon?”
“Small town,” everyone said in unison.
Seriously.They needed to stop doing that.
I grabbed a sandwich and immediately regretted it.My nervous energy turned the bread into worms.Actual worms that wriggled away, carrying the turkey and cheese with them.
Baz came over, still wearing those terrifying claw weapons.He looked good in them, which was a thought I immediately tried to suppress.My magic, however, had other ideas.His shirt caught fire.
Not in a destructive way.In a decorative way.Like someone had decided he needed flame decals but made them real.
“Tansy,” he said patiently, “I'm on fire.”
“I see that.”
“Could you maybe…”
“I don't know how to stop it without making it worse.”
He sighed and took the shirt off.The fire went out immediately, apparently satisfied it had achieved its goal of shirtlessness.
There were a few wolf whistles, and several women in the crowd applauded.
“Can you all please stop encouraging my horny magic?”I begged.
“No,” someone replied.I had no idea who it was, but several other women nodded in agreement.Apparently, I wasn’t the only one to want to see Baz undressed.Couldn’t blame them for having good taste.
Mrs.Henderson stepped forward, her tiny dragon-chickens perched on her shoulders.“Dear, your magic isn't horny.It's honest.There's a difference.”
“My magic keeps trying to undress him!”
“Because that's what you want,” she said simply.“Your magic seems to just do what you're thinking without the filter of social propriety.”
“That's worse!”
“That's beautiful,” Randy said.“Your magic is forcing everyone to be truthful.Do you know how rare that is?”
“It's going to get everyone killed!”
“Maybe,” Zelda said cheerfully.“But at least we'll die honest.”
I looked around at the assembled town residents.They were all smiling.All ready to fight a dragon with kitchen utensils and carnivorous plants and whatever the hell my magic decided to create.They were all completely batshit crazy.
Which meant they were perfect.
“Okay,” I said, taking a deep breath.“If we're doing this, we're doing it full chaos mode.No plans.No strategy.Just…”