CHAPTER 7
RHIANNON
I can’t believe he left.
Again.
I thought I’d be prepared for it. After all, I knew Hawk staying here was only temporary.
But I didn’t expect him to leave after only one day.
And I didn’t expect to find out via text, waking up to the signature tone I assigned him to find only a brief message.
Sorry about last night. Headed to Corpus Christi to help Rafe. Will check back in a few days to see how things are going. Be safe.
It was more than one sentence this time, but barely.
As I lay awake in bed, my finger hovering above the screen while I debated how to respond, I kept running through the events of last night over and over again.
Why did Hawk act that way? Why did he care if I talked to Ace or not?
It’s not like he ever asked if I was dating anyone.
Although, I never asked him, either.
But last night… that was a Hawk I didn’t recognize. Scowly. Gruff. Distant.
Well. That’s not entirely true. In the years we served together, Hawk was nothing but kind. He was easy to talk to. Funny, in his own sarcastic way. And he had a smile that never failed to make my heart flutter, no matter how many times I reminded myself that Hawk could only be my friend. But the day I told everyone the truth about what had been happening was the first time I saw the growly, angry side of him.
I can still see his face, even four years later. Features set into hard lines and shadows, his mouth pulled into a deep frown, his gaze went flat and cold halfway through my story. And afterwards, while the rest of my teammates offered their support, Hawk just stood there, tense and silent.
Our relationship has never been the same since.
Did seeing me bring back too many bad memories? Is that why Hawk left?
Or does he just not care like I thought he did? Is the Hawk I knew gone, and this new one doesn’t have an interest in helping his old friends?
But he said he wanted to stay. Wanted to help. And the way he looked at me after the explosion, the way he touched me so gently…
Stupid me, thinking maybe things were different.
As I run along the trails leading through the Blade and Arrow property, I keep vacillating between anger and sorrow.
With each step, another question arises.
Why did he leave?
Why am I so upset?
What right did he have to say those things?
How could he offer his help and then take it away?
The punishing pace I set for myself isn’t doing anything to clear my mind. All it’s doing is making my arm and back hurt and the lump on my head throb with every beat of my heart.
The space Hawk occupied in my chest is empty again, and I hate it.
I’m so mad at him. But I miss him equally.
Last night after I got home from dinner, I stomped around my apartment while aggressively cleaning and karate chopping my throw pillows way more than necessary, muttering things like what a jerk and who does he think he is and why was he acting that way ?
But in the early hours of morning, with the sun barely peeking above the horizon and nothing to distract me, I found myself wondering if it was me ruining everything. Again.
I’m ten miles into my morning run, just coming around the loop by the pond, and I slow to glance at the water, a still and sparkling sheet of glass reflecting the sun. The little dock Dante built for Sarah is empty save for the little canoe tied beside it. A dragonfly skims across the surface of the pond, leaving tiny ripples behind.
While I usually keep going when I’m running outside, intent on finishing my workout, today I pull to a stop instead. Walking out onto the dock, I stand at the end of it while I catch my breath and stretch my legs.
Out here on my own, I can understand why Sarah loves it so much. There’s something therapeutic about the water and the quiet stillness. A bird calls overhead as it bursts from a tree, a flash of color amid the lush green and vivid blue.
Should I call Hawk when I get back to the ranch? Press him for an explanation? Or will I be the same coward I’ve been, never asking the questions I’m afraid of hearing the answers to?
While I stare out at the pond, a new sound approaches. At first, I stiffen, my body reacting to a potential threat like it’s been trained to. Even though logically, I know I’m safe here, with ten acres of the property surrounded by a reinforced, scale-proof fence equipped with top-of-the-line cameras and motion sensors.
A beat later, I identify the sound as footsteps. Not running, but moving at a slower pace. For just a second, my heart leaps.
Maybe Hawk came back.
Then Jade emerges from the trees, and my heart sinks again.
She’s alone as she walks along the path—one of many Niall created for her after she moved in. Back then, Jade didn’t feel safe leaving the ranch for long, so he spent hours hacking his way through the woods so she’d have a place to jog or walk without having to leave the property.
“Hey, Rhi.” Spotting me, Jade flashes a bright smile as she heads in my direction.
While I’d really rather be alone right now, I’d never say it, so I raise my hand in greeting and reply, “Hey, Jade. How’s it going?”
Once she gets to the dock, she sinks down on the smooth wood and lets her feet dangle above the water. “Everything’s good. Niall is watching Declan so I can get a little exercise.” With a little laugh, she adds, “Just walking, of course. Niall made me promise. Like I was planning on running a marathon out here or something.”
Following her lead, I take a seat beside her. “Niall can be a little overprotective.”
“A little?” Jade grins. “I think overprotective is his middle name.” Then her expression softens. “But I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Aww.
Even though my love life is nonexistent, I don’t begrudge my teammates’ happiness.
Do I feel a little jealous sometimes? Sure. I’d like to have someone who cares enough to build me a dock or clear miles of trails or build a little house in the woods like Xavier did, so Lucy could have a quiet place to do her writing. I’d like to have a partner who loves me unconditionally and when he says he won’t leave, he means it.
My smile is easier this time as I ask, “How’s Declan? Sleeping any better yet?”
“A little. But Niall’s been a big help. He’s getting up with Dec at night so I can catch up on sleep.”
“That’s good.” I look out at the water, watching the sparkles fade as the sun dips behind the clouds, then a moment later, reappearing again. “You know if you ever need a babysitter, I’m available. If you guys want to have a date night or something.”
“Thanks. I’m sure we’ll take you up on that.” She pauses, then turns to me with a serious expression. “Are you okay, Rhi?”
“Of course.” My answer is immediate. “Like I told the guys, I’m feeling fine. A few sore spots, but no big deal.”
Her brow creases. “That’s not what I mean.” A beat, and then, “Maybe it’s none of my business. But… you’re like a sister to me. And I just want to make sure you’re alright.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
Jade pins me with her gaze. “Because I was there last night. Remember? And I saw you and Hawk having a conversation that neither of you looked happy about. Then you left dinner. And a few hours later, Hawk took off.”
“It was nothing,” I reply quickly. “I was just tired. And Hawk has to help Rafe. That’s all.”
“Rhi.” It’s soft. Her eyes search mine. “You don’t have to tell me, obviously. But I’m not blind. I can see there’s something between you two.”
“We’re just friends.” It feels like a lie, although it’s the truth.
“Then why do you look so upset?”
Why am I upset? And why am I not doing a better job of hiding it?
I could make something up. Claim it’s the stress from the explosion or a side effect of my injuries. But sitting here next to Jade, who understands more than most how it feels to be half in love with a man she can’t have, I find myself wanting to unburden myself.
After a deep breath and exhale, I say, “I’m upset that Hawk left. And I’m mad at him for leaving.”
Jade turns to face me. “Why?” Though from her expression, she already knows the answer.
But I’m not ready to admit to everything yet. “I guess… Seeing Hawk made me realize how much I miss him.”
“You used to be really close, weren’t you? That’s what Niall said. That you and Hawk were really good friends.”
A vise clamps around my heart and squeezes. It takes me a second to reply, “Yeah. We were. I mean, the whole team was. But with Hawk… we talked about everything. And we’d hang out all the time. Until…”
Jade’s eyebrows arch up. “Until?”
Sighing, I search the trees before answering, “Niall told you about why I separated from the Army, right?”
Sympathy fills her gaze. “Yes. I hope you don’t mind. He didn’t get into the details of it. Just that you had a superior who was harassing you. And it got bad enough that you left.”
I’d think after this long, it wouldn’t hurt to talk about it. But it does. Every time.
Still. Jade is my friend. And I know she won’t judge me.
“He was the commander of our special forces group,” I finally say. “And he harassed me for almost two years.” I take another deep breath before continuing, “At first, it wasn’t that bad. Just some comments, nothing I hadn’t heard from some of the other guys I trained with.”
Jade frowns. “What kind of comments?”
“About how I must have slept my way onto the team. That I was getting special favors because my parents were famous. How I had no right taking a spot that should have gone to a man. And—” My gaze dips to my lap. “They’d say things about how I looked. Sexual stuff.”
Jade’s hand covers mine. “I’m sorry, Rhi.”
“It wasn’t that bad. I mean, I expected some pushback, joining the Green Berets. And for the rest of the guys, it was just comments. But with Colonel Allen, he didn’t stop there.”
There’s a few moments of silence, broken only by the soft chittering of a squirrel nearby. Then Jade asks quietly, “What did he do?”
“He started touching me. Nothing obvious, but his hand would brush my ass when he walked by. Or his arm would bump my breast.” My jaw clenches, remembering. “Then there were the special meetings. He would accuse me of some infraction, then insist on a private meeting to discuss it.”
Jade’s expression clouds. “Did you turn him?—”
“I thought about it. But at first, what he did wasn’t that bad. And being a woman in Special Forces, I already had so many people just waiting for me to screw up. I didn’t want to give them reason to doubt me even more.”
“Doubt you?”
“Accusing a superior of harassment?” I shake my head. “It would have caused such an uproar. And chances are, my claims would have been ignored. It sucks, but it was the reality of the situation. So I tried to ignore it, instead.”
“But you didn’t. Eventually you said something.”
“Eventually. But it took almost two years.” My nose prickles and I sniff against threatening tears. “I was just trying to do my job. But Allen… he wouldn’t stop. Finally?—”
The memory resurfaces; the two of us in his office with the door shut, me pinned against the wall while he grabbed my breast. And the sheer helplessness I felt, knowing that despite my physical abilities, if I fought back, I could lose my job.
“I threatened to turn him in,” I continue. “But that only made things worse. He told me he’d screw with the team. Have us split up. And he said he’d ruin my career if I talked.”
“Rhiannon.” Emotion thickens Jade’s voice. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“So I kept my mouth shut. And I let it go on for months after that. Until things escalated from touching to…” My throat goes dry and I have to swallow hard to get my words unstuck. “He wanted… favors. And he said if I didn’t go along with it, he’d have my team broken up.”
Jade’s blue eyes flash a fiery blue. Anger suffuses her features. “That’s horrible .”
“I know. And that’s when I knew. I had to leave the Army before he screwed up everyone else’s careers, too. Because he would have. If it were just me, that was one thing. But Allen could have had everyone reassigned. And he… he even threatened to have Hawk court-martialed for some fabricated offense. Because he knew we were friends.”
The memory of that day is still vivid. Standing in Colonel Allen’s office with him looming inches away, his breath hot and smelling like old coffee like it always did. And the malevolent tone of his voice as he said, “If you don’t do what I want, if you even think about telling anyone, I won’t just fuck up your career, I’ll tank your entire team.”
Two days later, I called my teammates to my apartment and told them why I was quitting. And nothing was the same after.
“What happened, Rhi?”
“I told the team. Mainly so they’d understand why I wasn’t going to renew my contract. It was up that summer, so I knew I’d be out soon. Hopefully soon enough so that Allen couldn’t ruin everything. Because I wasn’t going to do any of the things he wanted.”
“But Niall said the guy was punished. Allen.”
“He was.” A grim smile touches my lips. “After I told the team, they were furious. And they insisted on turning him in. I didn’t think it would work. I thought they’d get in trouble. But they said they didn’t care. Fox—he was on the other split team—knew a guy from college who was an attorney. So he asked for help. And eventually, we convinced someone to believe me.”
It didn’t hurt that three other women came forward after my claims went public, all sharing similar stories of harassment and threats. Which made me feel guilty for not saying anything sooner, thinking how maybe I could have saved them from the same experience as mine.
“Allen ended up being reprimanded. And once areporter discovered I was involved, he published an article about it. The Army Fails Hollywood Legacy , the headline said. Shortly after, Allen retired. But we all know he was really forced out.”
“Good.” Jade scowls. “But he should be in jail for what he did.”
A dry laugh bursts out. “For harassment? Hardly. But I was glad he couldn’t do it to any other soldiers, at least.”
“Why didn’t you stay, then? If he was pushed out?”
“Because it was months later. I was already in California, working as a paramedic. And by then, I didn’t want to go back. Everything was different. Hawk had left. So had Xavier. Cillian was planning to leave that winter to get married. And it just felt… spoiled.”
Feeling restless, I jump to my feet and walk to the other end of the dock and back. Jade stands, still looking at me with sympathy in her gaze. “So what about Hawk?”
The vise around my heart wrenches tighter.
“He—” I swallow hard. “Everyone was upset. But Hawk… he changed. He wouldn’t talk to me. He didn’t really talk to anyone on the team. And he went from this friendly guy to a cold one who was just going through the motions. Then he announced he was leaving the Army, too.”
Jade stares out at the forest for a few seconds before turning back to me. “What happened, then? Did you talk about it?”
I shake my head slowly. “No. I couldn’t bring myself to. I felt so guilty.” Pausing, I admit quietly, “I still do.”
Her face jerks in shock. “Why?”
“Because it was my fault everything got screwed up. Our team wasn’t the same. Especially our split team—me, Xav, Hawk, Knox, Cillian, and Griffin, who replaced Niall when he left the year before.”
“How was that your fault?”
“I kept it a secret for so long. And if I’d stopped it… or I’d said something sooner… Maybe it wouldn’t have ended so badly. But Xavier was so angry about how I was treated, he couldn’t bear to stay in the Army anymore. Hawk took off. Knox started talking about quitting. So did Rafe. And it was all because of me.”
“Rhi.” Jade walks towards me and gently rests her hand on my uninjured arm. “What happened to you wasn’t your fault. You know that, right?”
Rationally, yes. But my gut and heart have other ideas. “I do… But I still can’t help feeling guilty. And Hawk… he was upset I didn’t tell him sooner. I should have. He was my best friend. I told him everything except the most important thing.”
Well. One of the most important things. I never told him how I felt about him, either.
“Do you think he blames you? For what that awful man did?”
“No. I don’t think he blames me for that. But I think he blames me for keeping it quiet for so long. For not telling him. And for ultimately ruining our team.”
“Rhi, I can’t believe he’d think that. That anyone would think that.”
“Then why did he leave?” I retort. “Why did he shut me out? Why do I get one text a month from him when we used to talk every day?”
“I don’t know,” she replies softly. “But what I do know is guys make some pretty stupid decisions sometimes. I don’t know Hawk, but I have a hard time believing he blames you for any of it.”
My shoulders sag. Tears burn behind my eyes. “I can’t think of any other reason. And I’m too much of a coward to ask. I know I should. But at least the way things are now, I still hear from him. I still see his name pop onto my phone once a month. If I push it, I could end up breaking the last bond we have.”
One tear sneaks past my defenses as I add, “If that happens, I won’t have him in my life at all anymore.”
Jade looks at me. Then a beat later, she closes the distance between and hugs me. When she steps back, she says, “I’m so sorry, Rhi. About all of it. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for you.”
I brush at the tear trickling down my cheek. “I’m okay. It’s in the past. Today… I’m just having a rough time. Because of everything the other night and now Hawk…”
Understanding softens her features. “I’m sure. But—” She stops. Hesitates. Her lips press into a line as she thinks. “I don’t think he blames you, Rhi.”
“You can’t know that.”
“No, I can’t. But I saw how he looked at you last night. He couldn’t take his eyes off you. And I didn’t see anger there. Or blame.”
My chest constricts. “What did you see?”
“I saw someone who looked like he misses you as much as you miss him.”
I want to believe Jade. But after four years of near-silence, I’m scared to let myself hope.
“But—”
From Jade’s pocket, her phone buzzes. She pulls it out and looks at the screen; her lips lift as she reads the incoming message. Then she types out a quick response and sends it. “Sorry,” she says afterwards, “It’s Niall. Worrying, of course. But I told him I’m with you, so he can relax.”
“You should probably get back,” I reply. “I’m sorry I kept you away from Declan so long.”
“No, don’t be sorry.” Jade smiles. “Dec is fine with Niall. And I’m glad we could talk.” Then her smile fades, a solemn expression taking over. “I don’t like how Hawk left in the middle of the night like that. Especially knowing that it hurt you.”
“I’m oka?—”
“It’s alright to not be okay sometimes, Rhi.” She pauses. “And for what it’s worth, I think you should talk to Hawk. If for no other reason than to clear the air. But I really don’t think he blames you. Not how he looked at you. And not the way he looked at Ace.”
“Ace?”
“Yes.” A small smile reappears. “Hawk didn’t look angry. He looked jealous.”
Jealous?
Hawk?
If it had been back before everything was ruined, maybe I could believe it. But after four years? I have a hard time accepting Jade’s opinion.
Still.
Maybe I should call him. Clear the air, like Jade said.
Because as upset as I am at him, he’s never let go of my heart.