CHAPTER 12
HAWK
“This no working out thing is getting old really quickly.”
As Rhiannon stands in the doorway of her apartment, she makes an aggrieved grimace. With a lift of her chin, she adds, “I know Dante means well. But I could definitely run on the treadmill. Or use the elliptical. What about pilates? That’s barely even exercise.”
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. Honestly, I expected this kind of reaction several days ago, so I’m surprised Rhi lasted this long without complaining. She was supposed to be on light duty at B and A after the explosion—no outside jobs, low impact workouts—and after the shooting three days ago, she’s been officially on medical leave.
Dante came with backup to tell her, dragging Xavier along with him. The two of them sat Rhiannon down and laid out all the reasons why she needed to take some time off. “I know you want to help,” Dante said kindly, “but we have rules for times like these. Any injury that lands you in the hospital is a week off, automatically. And given that you were injured twice in less than a week?—”
“I wasn’t even there overnight,” Rhiannon interrupted. She looked over at Xavier. “And we completed ops with much more significant injuries. Remember that time Knox broke his ankle and I splinted it so we could get to the exfil point?”
“We didn’t have a choice,” Xavier replied. “We couldn’t very well stop in the middle of Kabul to put on a cast. But this time, it’s not necessary.”
“And it’s not so bad,” Dante added. “You can still look through some of the surveillance footage Matt pulled from the hotel. Or the traffic camera recordings from the day you were shot. So it’s not like you’re sitting home doing nothing.”
I was sitting there for the conversation, so I could see Rhi’s jaw tightening with every word. She’s never been one to sit home while her teammates are working. And this time, the case is personal. But I wasn’t going to jump in to agree with Dante and Xavier and possibly gain her ire, not when everything between me and Rhi has been going so well.
While I hate the reason for her being home, it’s been a great opportunity for us to spend time together. I’ve been making sure she’s relaxing—most of the time, at least—eating plenty, taking care of her injuries, watching hours of HGTV, and my favorite, making up for all the years I thought about kissing Rhi but couldn’t.
Still. I get why she wants to be out there. I just don’t think it’s the best idea right now. Not just because she’s still healing, but because a damn sniper is out there, probably scheming about another way to come after her.
It was Xavier who finally got through to Rhiannon. He pulled out the big guns and used Lucy as leverage. “Lucy’s so worried about you,” he told her, “and with the stress of the pregnancy and everything else, I know it would make her feel so much better to know you’re taking some time off to heal.”
At that, Rhi leaned across the coffee table and gave him a light swat, earning herself a small wince at the movement. “ Xav . How can I say no when you bring Lucy into it?”
“And little mini Xavier or Luce,” he added with a faintly triumphant smirk. “They need their future godmother to stay safe. And healthy.”
That decided it. Rhiannon huffed at Dante and Xavier as she said, “Fine. I’ll stay home. Help Matt with the surveillance. No workouts until next week. But once we get the sniper detection system up and running, I am going back out on the trails. Just to walk, if nothing else. I’m not letting some asshole control my life. Or keep me trapped inside.”
Wisely knowing when to retreat, Dante nodded at her. “That’s fine. Matt said the system should be in place by Monday. As long as you stay well within the perimeter, it should be okay.”
I’m not quite as convinced. Yes, they’re installing a state of the art system designed to detect the instant a gun is fired nearby. And the perimeter fence is being upgraded to include bulletproof mesh covering, thanks to a donation from Lucy’s parents and hours of volunteer labor from some of the team’s friends in San Antonio. But it’s still not one-hundred percent safe. That’s a hard but valuable lesson I learned in the Army—no matter how many precautions you take, nothing is ever guaranteed.
So if Rhi insists on walking the trails next week, I’ll be going with her. And I’ll be sure to stay between her and the fence, so if someone gets shot, it’ll be me instead.
But in the meantime, we still have several days’ reprieve. Which means this is a perfect time to do something special for Rhi. Something long overdue.
“It’s not that bad,” I reply as I step inside Rhiannon’s apartment. I wrap my arms around her, being careful not to jostle her stitches, and gather her against me. Pressing a kiss to the top of her head, I memorize her scent and the feel of her silky hair against my lips.
We just stand there for a few seconds before she tilts her head back to meet my gaze. Already, some of the tension is erased from her features. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, I smile at her as I say, “Staying home means we have more time together. And I can’t complain about that.”
Her expression brightens. “That’s true. And that reminds me.” She steps away and takes my hand, tugging me further into the living room. “I was thinking maybe we could grill for dinner tonight. Head out to the barn, since the weather is so nice.” A hopeful light fills her eyes. “I could tell the rest of the team to steer clear. So we could have some privacy.”
At the slightest thought of spending private time with Rhiannon, desire surges, making my pants uncomfortably tight. Pressure builds, impatient and insistent. Arousal surges through my body.
I’ve thought of making love to her hundreds—maybe thousands of times. But up until this past week, I never dreamed it could become a reality. Not now, of course. Not when Rhi’s still hurt. But one day, if things keep going as well as they have been, maybe.
While an evening in the restored barn sounds great, I already have something different planned. “Actually,” I reply, “I had another idea. If that’s okay with you.”
“Another idea?” Her dark brows wing up. “What were you thinking? Pizza? A movie night? Or we could see if anyone wants to have a game night. Erik and Dante are in Houston until Sunday, but some of the others might be interested.”
“Those all sound like great ideas. But actually… It’s kind of a surprise. If you’re up for it.”
“A surprise? What? Where?”
“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?”
“I suppose not.” She grins at me. “Can I at least ask when I get to find out?”
“Now. Unless you’re not ready?”
She glances down at her clothes—dark gray yoga pants that cling to every incredible curve of her legs and ass, and a worn Army T-shirt I remember her stealing from me years ago. “I’m not sure I’m dressed for anything special, Hawk.”
“You look perfect.” And I’ve never meant it more. Rhi doesn’t need to wear fancy clothes or layers of makeup to be beautiful. She’s gorgeous just as she is. “Trust me,” I add. “It’s not like I’m all dressed up.”
I’d considered borrowing a suit from one of the guys—since I didn’t exactly think of packing formal clothes before my panicked drive from Rafe’s to here—but then I thought, this is us. Me and Rhiannon, wearing our most comfortable clothes, feeling completely at ease with each other.
So here I am, about to take Rhiannon on our first official date wearing jeans and a T-shirt.
It seemed like a good idea in theory, at least. But now I’m second-guessing myself. Maybe I should get a suit. And shit, why didn’t I get flowers? I could have. But Rhi never seemed interested in stuff like that.
Except maybe she was and I just didn’t realize?
“We could get dressed up,” I offer. “If you want. Maybe I should have?—”
“No, this is perfect.” Putting a hand on my shoulder for balance, she stretches up to kiss me. “And besides, I always thought you looked extra sexy in jeans and a T-shirt.”
Oh?
As I put my arm around her shoulders and guide her out of the apartment, I ask, “So you like me in jeans? Not my Army Blues? Or a suit?”
Pink tinges her cheeks. “Well, you look great in those, too. But your jeans show off your ass. And in just a T-shirt, I can see all your muscles.”
Oh.
Who needs a suit, then?
“Okay,” I announce. “I’ll never wear anything but jeans and T-shirts from now on.”
“Well…” Rhiannon drags out the word. “Maybe once in a while you could wear a suit. Because you did look pretty good at the event in Austin. All sexy and dark and dangerous.”
Just as we walk into the group common area, I pause to turn towards her. “Dark and dangerous, eh?”
A flush appears in her cheeks again. Rhi’s not normally one who blushes—she’s far too composed for that—but when she does… it might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. “Yes,” she admits. “In that black suit and crisp white shirt, you looked incredible. You can’t tell me you didn’t notice all the women looking at you.”
“I didn’t really pay attention.” I kiss her cheek. “The only woman I cared about there was you.”
“Hawk.” Her gaze softens. “When you say things like that…”
“What?”
There’s a brief hesitation. “Just…” Another pause. “It’s nothing.”
But I think I know what she almost said.
Don’t leave again.
And I won’t. Not unless Rhi tells me to. But I know it’ll take time for her to completely believe me. And it won’t be words that prove it to her, but by actions. By showing her I’m serious about making our relationship work. That I’m more mature now. That I realized what an immense mistake I made.
I loop my arm around her waist and tug her gently into my side. “I’m not going anywhere, Rhi. I promise.”
Then, before she gets a chance to respond, I lead her the rest of the way through the common room and into the shared kitchen. It’s a space the team uses for parties and holiday celebrations, fully equipped with stainless steel appliances and expansive counters made of butcher block. In one corner a large table is set with twelve chairs, more than enough for all of the team and their partners.
But tonight, the kitchen looks different from normal.
“Hawk!” Rhiannon comes to an abrupt stop in the doorway. “What’s all this?”
As she looks around the room, I follow her gaze, trying to look at it from a fresh perspective and not the one that spent well over an hour meticulously arranging everything.
The counters are decorated with dozens of candles, their flames flickering warmly in the dimmed light of the room. Arranged between them are an assortment of framed photos, all of them candid shots of Rhiannon and me taken throughout our years in the Army. In them we’re almost always smiling, and in many, our feelings for each other couldn’t be more clear—soft gazes the other one somehow missed back then.
The table is covered in a dark blue tablecloth and set with two places at one end. A bottle of wine—Rhiannon’s favorite, Pinot Noir—is already uncorked and ready to pour. Violin music is playing softly in the background, all songs performed by Lindsey Stirling, Rhi’s favorite artist. But with a critical eye, I can’t help wishing I’d thought to get some flowers, too.
“Hawk,” she repeats, sounding slightly in awe. “You did all this?”
“I did.” Leading her further into the kitchen, we head over to the oven where I flick the light on to display what’s inside. “And I made lasagna. With beef and sausage, just how you like it. With a Caesar salad to go with it. And for dessert, I got Sarah to help me make tiramisu.”
Rhiannon drags her gaze from the oven to look back at me. “When did you get the time to do all this? I thought you were—” Stopping, she laughs. “You weren’t sparring with Xavier earlier, were you?”
“Not quite. I hope you don’t mind the white lie. But I really wanted this to be a surprise.”
A pleased smile curves her lips. “I don’t mind at all. This is amazing. I can’t believe you did this all for me.” Her eyes drift to one of the photos on the counter, a selfie of us on the Wilkes Park Trail. In it, we’re both laughing. Just before we took it, Rhi narrowly missed being pooped on by a bird overhead, knocking me over as she dove to avoid it.
“Oh, Hawk.” She catches my hand and gives it a squeeze. “I had no idea. You kept all these pictures?”
Unexpectedly, my nose prickles.
I’d never tell anyone else this, but for Rhi, I’d confess anything. “Yeah. I printed all the photos from my phone. Maybe it was silly, but I just wanted something to look at when I was missing you.”
Rhiannon blinks at me. Moisture shines in her gaze. “Oh, Hawk.” Then she flings her arms around me, heedless of her injuries. “I missed you all the time, too.”
* * *
“That was wonderful, Hawk.”
Sliding the last lock into place, Rhiannon turns away from her front door and faces me. With a huge smile stretched across her face, she adds, “I always knew you were a good cook, but the lasagna was incredible. And the tiramisu?—”
“Sarah helped with that.”
“Still.” She steps forward to hug me. “It was the perfect date. With dinner and music and even a round of extreme Jenga after dessert…”
“I thought you might like that part. Especially since I let you win.”
“ Let me?” Rhi makes a mock-offended expression at me. “Hardly. If I recall, I was the extreme Jenga champion back when we used to play.”
“Maybe I’ve been practicing.”
She cocks her head, her features shifting into a teasing smile. “And have you?”
“No.” Then more quietly, I admit, “I never wanted to play without you.”
Rhiannon’s smile dips.
Shit. Why did I say that? Am I trying to drag down the mood? “Sorry, I didn’t mean?—”
“I always wished you were here for our game nights.” Her smile reemerges. “But now you can be. Right?”
“Absolutely.” The band tightening around my chest releases. “We can do a game night any time you want. And if you want to play more tonight, we can. Unless you’re tired and you’d rather go to sleep.”
“Well.” She takes a deep breath. “I was thinking. Maybe we could—” That adorable flush pinks her cheeks again. “Maybe we could do something else. Not sleeping, exactly. But… bed-adjacent.”
“Bed-adjacent? What does that mean?”
“Um.” Her hand comes to my chest, resting above my heart. Hope flickers in her eyes, turning them a brilliant sapphire. “It means we would be in bed. But not sleeping.”
“You want me to stay over? Instead of going back to the client apartment?”
“Yes… Although, maybe you don’t want to. Maybe I’m rushing things.”
Rushing things? What would we be?—
Oh.
There go my shrinking pants again.
To clarify, I ask, “You want me to stay with you? In your bedroom?”
“Would you want to?”
“Of course. If you’re okay with me staying the night, I would love to.”
A heavy sigh escapes. “Oh. Good.” Her fingers trail down my chest and to my stomach.
At once, I’m achingly hard.
“So,” Rhiannon says as her fingers drift beneath the hem of my shirt. “I know you’re all worried about me getting hurt. But it should really be fine. I’ll be careful not to use my arm that much.”
My attention is split between her fingers moving closer to the waistband of my pants and the words she’s saying. So it takes longer than usual to register. Just as she starts to unfasten the button, I realize the offer to sleep over isn’t as innocent as I initially thought.
“You want to make love?” I ask somewhat idiotically, considering where Rhiannon’s hand is.
Her expression drops and her hand stills. “Do you not want to?”
Double shit. Now I’m really screwing things up. “I do. But… you’re hurt.”
“Just my arm.”
“Both arms,” I retort. “You have stitches in both arms.”
“I wasn’t planning on doing handstands, Hawk.”
True. But still. If she got hurt because of me, I’d never forgive myself. “I just don’t want to hurt you. And… I thought you wanted to take things slow?”
Rhiannon’s gaze holds mine. “I thought I did. At first. But.” The red in her cheeks spreads to her neck. “I’ve known you for seven years. And I’ve wanted to be with you almost the entire time. So it seems kind of silly to wait when I’m sure this is what I want. Unless you don’t?”
The path forward splits into two very different directions. One is the responsible route, with weeks or even months of waiting until I’m absolutely sure Rhiannon trusts me. Until she’s one-hundred percent certain this is what she wants.
Then there’s the route I want to take. The one I’ve envisioned for years.
As I stand here, staring at Rhiannon and sorting through my thoughts, one strikes me with sharp clarity.
I already made the wrong decision for her.
I thought I knew what was best. But I didn’t. And as a result, I lost years with her.
Why am I not trusting Rhiannon when she says what she wants?
Stupidity, really.
I’m not fucking up again.
So I scoop her up in one fluid move, one hand supporting her ass, the other her back. My voice goes rough with emotion and need. “I want to. More than anything.”
Rhi’s hands come to my cheeks. The uncertainty in her eyes disappears. “So we agree.”
I capture her lips with mine, kissing her hard and fast this time. “Yes.”
As I carry her down the hallway to the bedroom, she nuzzles my neck, peppering it with kisses and tiny nibbles that drive me mad.
The hunger raging inside me doesn’t want to wait for the bed. I want to press her against the wall and take her right now. Peel off the pants that have been tormenting me all night. Sink into her welcoming heat and finally find out how she feels wrapped around me.
But that’s not how I want our first time to go. It should be slow and tender. I should spend hours kissing Rhi from head to toe, discovering all her hidden freckles and tattoos and all the secret things about her I’ve only imagined until now.
It’s what I want to do in theory, at least.
But as soon as I lay Rhiannon onto the bed, it’s clear slow and tender isn’t a part of her plan.
Before I can do anything else, she sits up and whips off her shirt, exposing a sheer lace bra that almost makes me swallow my tongue.
Shit.
Her nipples are almost completely visible, rosy pink with just the faintest pattern of golden lace covering them. Her breasts are small but perfectly plump, with one freckle just above the line of her bra that I can’t wait to kiss over and over again.
As I’m staring, she wriggles out of her pants and flings them aside. Underneath is a matching pair of panties that do nothing to hide the trimmed curls at the apex of her thighs.
Another question answered. I’d wondered if Rhi would be trimmed or bare, and now I know.
Just like now I know she has a new tattoo to add to the one she got six years ago. The first is on her right shoulder blade, the same motto our entire team got one night— De Oppresso Liber —which is the motto of the Green Berets. This new one is on her hip, and it’s two arrows intersecting behind a blade, which is the logo for Blade and Arrow Security.
Amid my raging desire, a bittersweet pang hits me.
I should have been there when she got it. Not necessarily as part of the team, but she could have shown me afterwards. And when it healed… I could have kissed the intricate lines of it. If only?—
“Hawk?” There’s a tiny wobble of nervousness in her voice. “Is this okay? Do I look okay?”
Her question is so ridiculous, it’s laughable.
Rhiannon looks like all my dreams come to life. But even better. Every inch of her is perfect. Her softly flaring hips. The curve of her ass. The slight swell of her breasts. The pink flush on her cheeks and across her chest. And that freckle. I’m not sure why, but my eyes are inexplicably drawn to it.
But while I’m ogling her like a teenager seeing his first naked woman, she’s uncertain. Worried that she somehow doesn’t look okay.
Fix this , the protective voice in my head orders. Make sure Rhiannon knows just how gorgeous she is. How much you want her.
Fumbling with my own pants, I nearly rip them off in frustration when the damn things won’t move past my still growing erection. Once I yank them off and toss them to the side, I growl, “You look incredible. Fuck, Rhi. You’re even sexier than I imagined.”
“You think so?”
There’s that vulnerability again. A vulnerability I’ve never seen her show to anyone else.
“Yes.” I pull my shirt over my head and drop it on the floor. As my briefs follow suit, I add huskily, “You’re so damn beautiful I can barely breathe when I look at you.”
“Oh.” Her lips curve up. Then her eyes drift below my waist, taking in my obvious desire for her. “Well. You’re pretty damn gorgeous, too.”
I climb onto the bed, bracing myself above her. With my free hand, I palm her breast, stroking my thumb across her tight nipple. Rhi sucks in a sharp breath as her eyes flutter shut for a moment. When they reopen, there’s just a sliver of blue around her pupils. “That feels… You touching me… I always wondered…”
“I’m just getting started,” I tell her. Then I lower my mouth to her breast and draw her nipple into it, sucking gently. Her back arches and her head falls back, her lips parting slightly as a small moan slips out.
“Hawk, oh?—”
But she stops when I lightly scrape my teeth against her sensitive skin. Her fingers clutch the comforter beneath her.
“Is this alright?” I ask. “Or is it too much?”
“It’s perfect. But.” She tries to sit up. “Please. I need to feel you without this stupid bra between us.”
“Done.” Reaching behind her back, I flip the clasp open and pull off the offending lace. Then I take a second just to look at her.
Fuck. She’s so damn gorgeous. All creamy skin in the palest gold, her dark hair spilling across the bed and her eyes heavy lidded with desire. And by some miracle, after all I’ve done, she’s agreed to be mine. And without question, I’m hers.
As I lower my head back to her breasts, aiming for the other this time, Rhi stops me with a light touch of her hand. “Hawk.”
I freeze. “Do you want to stop? It’s okay if you changed your mind. We can just sleep. Whatever you want is fine with me.”
The disappointment may kill me, but I’d rather die than do anything to upset her.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Rhiannon pulls up her legs and wriggles out of her panties, laying herself bare to me for the very first time. She holds my gaze as she explains, “Maybe this sounds bad. But… I’ve been thinking about feeling you inside me for so long. And now that we’re so close… I don’t want to wait anymore.”
“But.” My forehead creases. “I was going to kiss you all over. Your new tattoo. The old one we got together. That little freckle”—I press a quick kiss above it—“right here.”
“That all sounds amazing. But do you think we could try that the next time? And just get right to the best part right now?”
All thoughts of a slow seduction fly out the window. But a cautious part of me still needs to ask, “Are you sure? Because I want you to enjoy this. It’s important. Since this is our first time.”
Rhiannon reaches down and encircles me with her hand, stroking my sensitized skin. When she gives a little squeeze, I jerk against her fingers, dampening them. “Yes.” All uncertainty gone, her gaze is certain. “Being with you is the most important part. Finally coming together as one.”
Oh.
A lump swells in my throat. “I love that. Coming together as one.” And it’s on the tip of my tongue to add, and I love you.
But I don’t. Not because it isn’t true, but because when I tell Rhi, I want her to know that I mean it and it’s not simply said in a moment of passion.
“Then what are you waiting for?” Her legs fall apart in invitation, exposing those perfect little curls and flushed skin damp and ready for me. Emotion darkens her eyes to a deep midnight. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something more.”
As I position myself between her thighs, I brush a kiss across her lips. “Me neither.”
Her legs wrap around my waist, bringing me centimeters from sinking into her.
The desire that’s been building for hours, days, months, even years, expands until it’s all I can think about. All I can feel.
Just as I’m about to plunge deep, Rhi’s strong legs urging me forward, I stop. “Shit. Protection.”
Her hand touches my cheek. “I’ve been tested. And I’m on the pill. I haven’t been with anyone since… Well. Not since before I met you.”
Oh.
OH.
“Ah, babe.” That damn lump in my throat is back. “I’ve been tested, too. I—” Shit. I don’t want to tell her about some meaningless night a year ago that left me feeling ten times worse than I did before.
“It’s okay, Hawk. I don’t expect?—”
“You’re the only one I wanted. And it wasn’t like… I didn’t just…” This time, I’m the one that’s flustered. “It was only a few times. And not for over a year. But I’ll get something to wear. To protect you.”
“No.” And in emphasis, Rhiannon pulls me down so I fill her in one smooth thrust.
Oh, fuck.
Not in a bad way, but the best possible.
She’s so tight and hot and slick and the way her inner walls clutch at me—I have never, ever felt something more perfect than this.
“I trust you, Hawk.” Rhi grabs the back of my neck and drags my mouth to hers. “And I don’t want to feel anything between us. This is just how I dreamed it would be.”
And she’s so right.
It’s like a dream come to life. A fantasy spun into reality.
Our movements start slowly, but before long, we come together in a frenzy of need, our bodies crashing into each other. Rhiannon makes these sexy little sounds—half moan, half whimper—as she clutches at me, her nails lightly scratching my skin. The bit of pain is the perfect compliment to the pleasure surging inside me, helping me focus on holding back my own completion until she reaches hers.
And when we finally reach that pinnacle of ecstasy, I wait until Rhi goes soaring off the edge before I leap after her.
And this .
Rhi was right. Being joined like this is the most incredible part. Feeling like finally , after all the fuck ups and suffocating guilt and missing her so badly it was a physical pain, everything just might be okay.
More than okay.
I feel like maybe, just maybe, I might find what I barely dreamed to hope for.
As the aftershocks fade, I roll over and drape Rhiannon across my chest. I press a kiss to the top of her head and stroke her hair. Voice rough with emotion, I say, “Thank you.”
She lifts her head to look at me. “Thank you?”
“For giving me a chance,” I explain. “And for giving me the most perfect gift.”
Rhiannon smiles at me, her face lighting up with it. “Thanks for giving me a chance, too. For coming back. And for giving me what I always longed for.”
Looking at her, seeing what looks an awful lot like love in her eyes, a long-fractured part of my heart heals.
I almost say it.
I love you.
But it’s not the right time. Not yet.
Instead, I tell her another truth. “I’m sorry I waited so long, Rhi. But I promise, I won’t leave again.”