CHAPTER 6
HAWK
I keep trying not to stare at her.
Judging from the suspicious looks Xavier’s giving me, I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of it.
But it’s hard to keep my gaze from sliding her way whenever she’s not paying attention. Each time I glance over at Rhiannon, I can’t help cataloging another detail—her hair falling in a shining curtain down her back, the pink in her cheeks as she laughs, and how her features soften while she holds little Dove in her arms.
Back when I first met Rhiannon, shortly before she joined our team, I thought she was the prettiest woman I’d ever seen. Now, she’s even more beautiful. Or maybe in the years apart, I trained myself not to think about her. Not to remember the curve of her ass and the small sway of her hips as she walks. To block out the sparkle of her dark blue eyes when she smiles and the little dimple in her left cheek that I always wanted to kiss.
With thousands of miles between us, it was easier to convince myself that staying away was the right thing. That the feelings I had for Rhiannon would eventually shift to the same fondness I have for the rest of my teammates. That one day, I wouldn’t miss her so badly it felt like my heart had been ripped from my body.
Now that I’m here, I realize all that time I was just kidding myself.
She’s sitting over on the couch with Isla and Matt, snuggling little Dove against her chest and cooing at her. Isla—who I finally met earlier today—is taking advantage of some baby-free minutes to snack on some of the appetizers Sarah and Dante prepared. And Matt is every bit the proud father and husband, his attention shifting back and forth between his daughter and wife.
And while I never really thought about having kids myself, a funny pang twists in my chest.
Like an image superimposing over another, suddenly it’s not Matt and Isla on the couch with their baby, but me and Rhiannon. And Rhi’s holding our child, a little girl with raven-colored hair and sapphire eyes.
I never saw myself as a parent before. Honestly, I never thought I’d be much good at it.
But watching Rhiannon with Dove, I can’t help but wonder.
What if I’d done things differently? What if I’d been more observant? If I hadn’t been so caught up in denying my feelings for her, maybe I would have realized something was wrong. Maybe Rhi wouldn’t have suffered on her own for so long.
What if I’d had better control of my emotions and hadn’t pushed Rhiannon away?
Looking around Dante and Sarah’s living room, a sense of loss sweeps over me.
Could this have been my life, too?
Would I want it to be?
Despite the stresses from last night, everyone still looks so happy. Like they wouldn’t want to be anywhere but here.
Dante is helping Sarah in the kitchen, taking every opportunity to touch her—kissing the top of her head, hugging her, and letting his hand graze across her hip. Every so often, she’ll stop what she’s doing to smile up at him, her entire face lighting up with it.
Xavier is sitting in a recliner with Lucy on his lap, and I’ve never seen my old teammate seem more content. Just in the short time I’ve spent with them, I’ve noticed how Lucy seems to settle Xav. How she smooths his rough edges. How she makes him smile.
After hearing about Jade for years, I’m glad Niall finally got his act together and made a move. To all of us on the team, it couldn’t have been more obvious how he felt about her. At least once a week, he’d bring up Jade, talking about her latest accomplishment or something that happened the last time he saw her.
They’re the perfect fit for each other. And I’ve never seen Niall look happier—married to the woman he pined over for more than a decade and now a father, as well.
Even Erik seems content, and God knows, he deserves it. Medically retired from the Army after a traumatic brain injury, he had a rough few years trying to find his way again. But as he sits on the floor playing tug with Rambo, chuckling at the three-legged dog’s attempts to pull the toy away, his smile appears genuine.
Could I see myself here?
Maybe not as a part of Blade and Arrow, but back with all my friends again? Having dinners and parties out in their restored barn and celebrating holidays together, like Rhiannon’s mentioned in her texts? Being part of a family again instead of my nomadic lifestyle, barely even spending any time in the tiny apartment in Fairbanks I call home?
But home insinuates having something to look forward to when you get there. And all I have in my two-bedroom apartment are blank walls and boxes I never unpacked and furniture that still smells new after almost four years.
I don’t have a place like this, with photos of friends and family and little mementos of places Dante and Sarah have visited on display. My place never smells of home-cooked meals and softly burning candles. And it’s never filled with the chatter of the people I care about the most.
Leaning forward in my chair, I grab my beer off the coffee table and take a long sip, hoping the alcohol will help dull the maudlin thoughts I can’t escape. Not that I’m a big drinker; I’ve never liked taking anything that could slow my reactions, but the Blade and Arrow ranch seems about as safe a place as any.
Over the rim of my glass, I spot Rhiannon handing Dove back to Isla. A beat later, Rhi’s eyes meet mine. Her forehead creases and she draws her lip between her teeth. I haven’t talked to her since the meeting this morning, after I took off to run around the property instead of accompanying her to the gym like I said I would.
Was it immature to rush off like that? Yes. And at thirty-eight, I should know how to manage my jealousy better.
I’m not a jealous person, normally. But when I saw Ace smiling at Rhiannon, and then she flashed her gorgeous smile right back at him, something cold and dark twisted up inside me.
Ace would be a great match for Rhi. Not only does he live in nearby Austin, he’s a good guy, and as a former Green Beret and Delta, he’s more than capable of protecting her. Not that she’s weak—Rhi is the strongest woman I’ve ever met, one of the strongest people, period. But still. She should have someone skilled to have her six.
I don’t want Rhiannon with Ace, though.
And every time I notice Ace talking to her, my molars grind further into dust. The dull throb at the base of my head intensifies. And that unpleasant jealousy gets more intense.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Xavier plops down into the chair next to mine and gives me a questioning look. Dragging my attention away from Rhiannon, I realize Lucy’s now talking to Ace over by the bookshelves, gesturing at a row of books I’m pretty sure are her own.
“I’m fine,” I reply. “Just taking it all in, you know? I really like what you guys have done here.”
One eyebrow arches up. “Just checking out the apartment, then?”
“Yes.” A hint of defensiveness tinges my voice. “Just looking around.”
“Hmm.” Xavier glances over at Rhiannon for a second. His voice dips as he continues, “So you’re not watching Rhi? Because that’s what it seems like to me.”
“Just checking to see how she’s doing. That’s all.”
In my peripheral vision, Rhiannon gets up from the couch and walks over to the bookshelves, joining Lucy and Ace. The asshole—not really, but shit, my jealousy is getting out of hand—gives her a bright smile and touches her arm as he greets her.
Pain shoots down my neck as I grit my teeth.
He shouldn’t be touching her. Not even like that.
Too late, I realize Xavier’s followed my gaze. After a brief pause, he says, “I get why you never did anything before. Back when we were active duty. But after?—”
“What are you talking about? Did what?”
“Hawk.” It’s gently stern. “Maybe Rhi never realized. But the rest of us did. And like I said, we all understood. Being on the same team, it wouldn’t have worked.”
“No.” My voice dips to a near-whisper. “It wouldn’t have.”
“But you left,” he continues. “And you shut us all out. It didn’t need to be that way.”
My shoulders go up. “I needed a change.”
“Sure. I get that.” Xavier hesitates. “Rhi never talks about it. Any of it. But she misses you. And if you’re going to stick around, that’s one thing. But if you’re just going to leave again, go back to your monthly one-sentence texts, then—” He takes a deep breath and lets it out in a rush. “Don’t let her think things might be different this time.”
It’s like a boot slamming into my gut.
She misses me?
And worse yet, Xavier thinks I might hurt her again?
There are so many things I could say.
The last thing I want is to hurt Rhiannon.
I hate myself for failing her.
I think about her all the time.
The guilt has never gone away.
But I don’t say any of that. Not because I don’t trust Xavier, but because I’m too chickenshit to admit my feelings.
Instead, I give a lame, “I’m sticking around to help find this asshole who hurt Rhi. Then I’ll go back to Alaska. She knows that.”
Does she, though?
A light laugh floats across the room. Rhiannon .
She’s smiling at stupid Ace again.
Xavier and I both turn in their direction, and Lucy smiles at her husband while waving him over. A moment later, Xavier gets up and claps me on the shoulder. His expression is solemn. “You’re my brother, Hawk. And I want you to be happy. But I love Rhi, too. Just be careful, okay? She comes across as strong, but she can be hurt, too.”
And then, before I can respond, he heads across the room to Lucy and takes her into his arms, kissing her gently on the forehead before rubbing his hand affectionately across her belly.
Ace says something to Xavier and the two of them laugh. Then he touches Rhiannon’s arm again, and the glass I’m holding almost shatters in my hand.
Fucking Ace.
I like the guy. I really do. But right now I want to punch him in the face.
Looking back down at my beer, I glare at it, feeling as if steam is coming from my ears.
Maybe it was a bad idea staying here. She doesn’t really need me around, not with her Blade and Arrow teammates and now Ace joining in. Plus, they have all their friends in San Antonio to help. I could leave and it probably wouldn’t make a difference.
“Hawk?”
I jerk my head up to meet Rhiannon’s gaze. Her brows are pulled into a little V. Concern darkens her eyes. “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” I reply roughly. “Why?”
The tiny lines between her eyes etch deeper. “You just looked upset. Is something wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” It comes out sharper than I intended.
“Oh.” Her voice goes quiet. “Okay. I just wanted to make sure.”
Great. Now I feel like a real shit. Snapping at Rhi when she didn’t do anything wrong. But this jealousy is a living thing inside me, its poisonous tendrils slinking through my body.
“I thought you might have wanted a tour of the property,” she adds softly. “Matt said you were looking through surveillance videos all afternoon. I showed Ace around earlier. But if you want to go tomorrow…”
“I got a pretty good look while I was running today,” I reply while images of Ace and Rhiannon walking around the expansive property and smiling at each other fill my head. “So I’m probably good.”
Liar. I would love to spend more uninterrupted time with Rhi, to get my fix before I have to leave again. But envy has shoved rational thought aside.
“Oh. Okay.” Rhiannon hugs herself. Her bandage peeks out from beneath the sleeve of her shirt.
And for some asinine reason, I find myself saying, “Shouldn’t you be resting instead of giving tours?”
She frowns. “I’d hardly call a walk around the ranch?—”
“Didn’t you say it’s twenty-five acres? That’s a pretty long walk to me.”
“I didn’t take Ace everywhere. Just to the barn and the pond. And we?—”
We? As in, Rhiannon and Ace?
No. Just stop.
I’m being ridiculous. Irrational. Stupidly jealous.
And I should really get some air before I end up saying something even worse. Before I say something I’ll really regret.
“You know, I think I might head back to the apartment,” I announce. Then I push up from my chair and stalk towards the front door. “I’m kind of tired.”
Rhiannon follows me. Her hand brushes my shoulder. “Hawk. Did I say something?”
“No.” Niall glances over at me with his eyebrows raised and I mouth, I’m heading to bed.
Which is so ludicrous, it’s laughable. It’s seven PM. Hours short of when I’d normally go to sleep. But I have to leave.
At the door, just as I’m opening it, Rhi tugs on my sleeve. “Hawk. Will you wait?”
But I continue into the hallway, almost growling, “I’m tired, Rhi. We were up late last night.”
“Do you want me to bring you some food? I could put some in a container so you can heat it up later.”
“I’m fine.” And considering how many times I’ve said I’m fine, I’m starting to feel like a damn parrot. “Don’t worry about it. Just go back inside.”
Maybe six feet down the hallway, Rhiannon grabs my arm and yanks me to a stop. I spin to face her, meeting her confused gaze. “Why are you rushing off?” she asks. “Did I say something?”
“No,” I grit out. “Go back inside. Spend time with your friends. Talk to Ace. He certainly seems interested in you.”
Fuck.
Why did I say that?
Surprise flashes across her face. “Ace is a friend. What are you?—”
“Are you sure? Because it seems like he wants more.” My words are poison in my mouth. “And considering how much time you’re spending with him?—”
“Hawk.” It’s hard. Pissed off. Rhiannon glares at me, her cheeks flushed with anger. “Who I talk to is none of your business. And you don’t get to make comments about it.”
“I’m just saying. If you’re into him, that’s fine. But if you aren’t, you might want to make sure he doesn’t get the wrong idea.”
Every word that spews out I regret, but I can’t seem to make myself stop. I just keep thinking about Ace and Rhiannon. My Rhiannon.
It’s one thing to know she could be dating. Probably is dating. But facing the reality of it is a whole different thing.
But she’s not my Rhiannon. And she’s right. As much as I want it to be, it’s none of my business.
She stares at me for a few seconds with fire in her eyes. “Why do you even care? After this long? What difference does it make who I talk to? Who I spend time with?”
Great question. And one I don’t really want to answer. “Um,” I reply eloquently.
“You left . We went from talking every day to practically nothing. And I get it. You moved on. But you don’t get to come back and judge me. It doesn’t work that way.”
“I’m not?—”
“You are .” She crosses her arms across her chest. “And it’s not okay.”
She’s absolutely right. And I feel like an ass.
“I’m sorry,” I start. “You’re right. Forget I said anything. Go back inside. Enjoy dinner with everyone.”
“No.” The fire in her eyes fades. Defeat darkens her expression. “I’m not feeling up to dinner right now. I’m going back to my place.” Then she pushes past me and continues down the hallway. Over her shoulder, she says bitterly, “You should go inside. Now you won’t have to worry about me giving Ace the wrong idea.”
Shit.
Regret squeezes my lungs.
“Rhi—”
“It’s fine, Hawk.” She doesn’t look back at me. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Rhi, wait.”
“No.” The sharpness in her tone flattens. “I’m tired. And you’re right. I should get some rest.”
Just as I take a few steps after her, she picks up her pace.
My steps stutter. I’m not sure if chasing after her would make things worse.
I didn’t want to hurt her. But I did anyway.
Maybe Xavier had the right idea warning me off.
Maybe Rhiannon would be better off if I left.