CHAPTER 10
HAWK
How did I forget how stubborn Rhiannon is?
I shouldn’t have. Not when I served beside her for three years and watched her face threats that would have cowed men twice as big as her. It’s what got her through the rigorous Q Course and made her one of the first female Green Berets despite being doubted by almost everyone.
And her dogged determination kept her going when that asshole Allen was doing everything he could to make her life miserable, sacrificing her own happiness and safety to protect her team.
As much as it hurts to think about the last part, Rhi’s stubbornness was always a quality I admired. I liked how she always stood her ground when she thought she was right, calmly laying out her reasons with a little lift to her chin, as if she was daring someone to disagree with her. And though I pretended not to, I liked it when she gently prodded at me when I was upset, never backing down until I finally told her what was bothering me.
So it shouldn’t come as a surprise to watch Rhiannon bustling around her apartment, cleaning and tidying and generally acting like she wasn’t shot—by a damn sniper , I still can’t wrap my head around it—less than eight hours ago.
We’ve been back at Blade and Arrow for a few hours now, and it’s been nothing like the restful time I’d hoped she would have. Instead of laying in bed, or at least on the couch, she’s been entertaining a stream of visitors.
And while I understand why everyone wanted to come over, bearing helpful pieces of advice and ready-to-heat food and plenty of gifts, like the lavender candles Jade brought and the fuzzy knit blanket Sarah insisted would make Rhiannon feel better, I can’t help worrying that it was too much for her.
Not that Rhi would ever, ever admit she was tired. Or in pain. Or vulnerable in any kind of way, really. Just like in the Army, she never complains. Never lets on that something could be hurting her. I still remember when she dislocated her shoulder during an op in Afghanistan and no one knew until hours later. She’d been running, lugging around her huge rucksack, firing her damn weapon, and not once did she mention that anything was wrong.
So when Jade first showed up at the door, prefacing her visit by saying, “I can come back if you’re not feeling up to it,” of course , Rhi invited her right in.
After that, it was Sarah. Then Isla. And finally Lucy, who burst into tears as soon as she saw Rhiannon, sobbing, “I was so scared for you. Please don’t get hurt again.”
Once the women left, her teammates came streaming in, all of them wearing matching worried expressions. Matt grimly swore he wouldn’t rest until he found some sort of evidence to identify the shooter, brushing aside Rhi’s reminder that he’s still on paternity leave. “You’re my sister,” he insisted. “This isn’t a job. This is family.”
Everyone said some iteration of the same thing, vowing to do whatever it takes to find the person—or people—behind this. And they all gently but firmly ordered Rhiannon to rest, to take a few days off before coming back to the case.
Ha.
As if.
Judging from the whirlwind of activity in Rhiannon’s apartment, that doesn’t seem likely. Now that the last of her visitors are gone, she’s rushing around cleaning; rearranging pillows, refolding blankets, and wiping down the kitchen counters until they’re spotless.
I give her a good five minutes of uninterrupted cleaning before I get off the couch and head into the kitchen. Sponge in hand, she’s about to clean the already immaculate sink when I touch her on the shoulder. “Rhi. I think the place is clean enough.”
She startles, dropping the sponge into the sink as she lets out a tiny yip of surprise. Spinning around, she quickly tries to hide her reaction with a stiff smile. “Hawk. I thought you were on the couch.”
“I was.” Slipping my arm around her back, I lead her back into the living room before she thinks to resist. “But now I’m here.”
Once I get her deposited on the couch, she looks up at me, confusion evident in her wide-eyed gaze. “Why did you stop me?” Her brows wing into a little V. “And how did you get me over here so quickly?”
I plop down on the couch beside her. A smile teases my lips at her indignant expression. “Because I did it before you had a chance to argue.”
She humphs at me. “What’s wrong with cleaning? I had people over, and they were getting drinks, and Xavier brought snacks, and Dante brought over his mom’s chicken soup?—”
“Rhi.” Shifting so I’m facing her, I take her hand, relishing in the feel of her soft skin against mine. It’s such a small thing, but in all the years we were friends, I was always careful not to touch her like that. Not that I didn’t want to. But I knew it would only make things harder if I did.
Now, though… I think it’s okay. At least, I hope it is.
Or is it?
As we left the hospital, Rhiannon asked if I’d come over. When we had a spare moment just between us, she said quietly, “I know we have a lot to talk about. And the hospital isn’t the right place. Will you come to my apartment? Stay for a while?”
Of course I said yes.
But being here is one thing. Holding her hand is something completely different. And just because she let me do it in the hospital doesn’t mean it’s okay here.
Though she doesn’t pull her hand from mine, I quickly ask, “Is this alright?”
Tiny lines form across her forehead. “Is what alright?”
I hesitate, feeling more nervous and uncertain than I did back in high school on my first date. “This.” Glancing at our entwined hands, I add, “Holding your hand.”
“Oh.” Her gaze drops to our hands resting on my leg. “It’s fine.” Pink touches her cheeks. “It’s more than… It’s good. But… if you’re just… You don’t have to…”
It’s the first time I’ve seen Rhiannon flustered. And seeing her like this makes my already heightened protectiveness leap into the stratosphere.
The caveman-esque part of me calls out silently, she’s uncomfortable. Nervous. Fix it. Make her feel better.
Stroking my thumb across her palm, I say, “I want to do this. I just didn’t want to assume.” After a beat, I confess, “I’ve thought about holding your hand for years.”
Rhiannon blinks at me. The red in her cheeks creeps across her face. Then a shy smile lifts her lips. “I’ve thought about it, too.”
There’s no need to explain more. Yes, I’ve grabbed her hand in moments of crisis, helping Rhi into a helo or out of raging waters. She’s helped me through obstacle courses and over climbing walls. But we’ve never, ever touched each other like this.
I give her hand a little squeeze. “So this is okay?”
She nods. “It’s okay.”
For a few seconds, we just stare at each other. Then we both start to speak at the same time.
“Hawk.”
“Rhi.”
After we both laugh, I say, “You first.”
“No, you go ahead.”
“No, you.”
Rhi swats my arm. “Fine. Why do you want me to stop cleaning?”
“Because you need to rest.”
“I’m fine.” It’s too quick. Too defiant.
“Rhi, how could you be?” Shifting on the couch cushion, I turn so I’m facing her. Our knees bump, and somehow the brush of her leg against mine is more intimate than anything I’ve done with any other woman. But I push back the surge of desire to focus on more pressing things. “You were?—”
“Shot. I know.” Her gaze flickers to our legs and then back to mine. “But it’s not the first time, Hawk. And it could have been a lot worse.”
She says it casually, but there’s a tightness to her features that says she’s not taking it quite as well as she’d like people to think. Shit, I feel like I’m on the verge of freaking out myself. “Maybe so. But it’s a shock to the body. And you lost quite a bit of blood. Xavier said?—”
“It wasn’t that bad. Certainly not enough to keep me from doing a little light cleaning.”
That’s when it hits me. Why she’s cleaning. Why she didn’t turn away her friends when they offered to come back later. Why she’s trying to pass this off as no big deal.
If she keeps busy, she won’t have time to think about how close she came to dying.
Fuck.
My heart turns to ice, just as it has each time I think about just how close it was.
“Just rest for a little while,” I bargain. “Not in bed. Just on the couch. We can watch some HGTV. I’ll make you some of those pizza bagels you like. It’ll be like old times, like?—”
She interrupts me. “Why now?”
“What do you mean? Resting? Because you’ve been on the go for hours. And I can tell you’re tired.”
“No.” Pulling her legs up, she folds them pretzel-style, so now both her knees are brushing my thigh. “What you said in the hospital. Why did you finally tell me now?”
Shit. I thought I’d have more time to ease into this. To compose my thoughts. I thought I’d convince her to take a nap. Eat. Take a bath. Maybe we’d talk tomorrow, once things are more settled.
Stupid to think that, considering the bomb I dropped in the hospital.
I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. “Telling you in the hospital probably wasn’t the best place. With people around, and you hurt…”
She sucks her lower lip between her teeth. “Do you regret saying it? Or… is that not how you feel?”
“No. I don’t regret it. And it is how I feel. How I have felt. I meant everything I said.”
“Then… why now? I guess I just don’t understand. In the Army, sure. But after. We barely talked. I thought you didn’t want to be my friend anymore. That you blamed me.”
“What?” My voice rises. “Blamed you? For what?”
Rhiannon pulls her hand back. As her gaze dips to her lap, she plucks at the fabric of the jeans she changed into when we got back from the hospital. After a long pause, she replies quietly, “For ruining everything.”
“Ruining everything?” I look at her in confusion. “What do you mean? You never ruined anything.”
“But I did.” Sorrow laces her words. “All that time, I kept quiet because I thought I was helping the team. But it fell apart anyway.”
“Rhi, that doesn’t make any sense.” Clasping both her hands between mine, I hold her gaze as I add fiercely, “You didn’t do anything wrong. It was that asshole, Allen. And the system that let him keep hurting you for years without fear of punishment. None of that was your fault.”
“You left. And Xavier. And Knox. You all loved it. Being Green Berets. Serving your country. But because of me?—”
“No. Not because of you.”
Although, that’s not really the truth, is it? Just not in the way Rhiannon thinks.
“Then why?” Her gaze lifts to mine. “Why did you shut me out? I thought you were angry with me. Angry I kept quiet for so long.”
Her words are a sledgehammer crashing into my chest.
Ah, fuck.
I never thought. Stupidly, I never imagined Rhi would take my distance as a judgment against her. All those years in Alaska, I comforted myself with the knowledge that she was safe. Happy. Surrounded by friends who supported her. I told myself she was better off without a best friend who failed her so badly.
But in reality, I fucked up again.
How can she forgive me?
Is it sheer stupidity to think I could possibly have a chance with her?
Do I even deserve it?
She’s still watching me, her pain etched into every feature. Pain I put there because of my cowardice.
Rhiannon may never forgive me. But I owe her the truth. Not bits and pieces, but all of it.
“I left because I felt so damn guilty.” As her eyes go big, I continue, “It was never your fault. It was mine.”
“What? How? What was your fault?”
Now I’m the one staring at my lap, too ashamed to look her in the eye. “I should have seen. Done something. Helped you.”
“Hawk.” Her hand covers my knee. “I never told you. How could you have helped?”
“But I should have noticed. You were suffering for years, Rhi. Years . And I saw you every day. Of anyone, I’m the one who should have realized something was wrong.”
“I didn’t want you to know. And I was so careful not to let on. You can’t blame yourself for that.”
“Yes, I can.” And here it is. The crux of everything. The reason I’ve felt this suffocating guilt for the last four years.
Rhiannon’s voice is soft as she asks, “Why?”
“Because you were all I thought about. All I cared about. You. I knew we couldn’t be more than friends, but I wanted so badly… I used to think about it. Eventually leaving the team and doing something stateside. Maybe even leaving the service. And then I could see if you felt the same as me.”
Before she can respond, I force out the rest. “Then you told us. I still remember—” My voice catches. “What you said. What that fucker did to you. The threats. The insults. The harassment. And he touched you. I should have been there to stop it. Fuck, Rhi. It was my job to protect you, and I failed.”
“It wasn’t your job,” she starts.
“It was . I wasn’t just your teammate. I was your best friend. And I—” Pausing, I take a breath against the pain spearing my heart. “I was in love with you. Knowing what you went through, not doing anything to stop it… I felt so fucking guilty. I couldn’t think about anything else. And I knew I let you down. That’s why I left. Not because of anything you did. It was all because of me.”
“That’s why—” Rhiannon pauses, worrying her lip as she thinks. “ That’s why you left the Army? Because you felt guilty? And why you moved to Alaska?”
Hearing it like that, I can understand why she’s confused. It’s much too simple of an explanation for the storm of emotions I was dealing with back then. And why I felt this driving need to get away. “It was partly that. The guilt. But it felt like… everything was tainted.”
“Tainted? Because of Allen?”
“Yes. But also… everywhere I went, it was a reminder of what you went through. And it was a reminder of how I let down the one person I cared about the most. The guilt and anger wouldn’t go away.”
“But Hawk. It wasn’t your fault. What happened… I’m the one who should have done something sooner. You’re not psychic. How could you know?”
Just talking about those days makes my chest ache. And I can remember so vividly the long nights I spent in the gym, taking my anger out on the punching bags until my hands bled. How I laid awake night after night, wondering where I went wrong. Wondering how I could face Rhi after failing her so badly.
Glancing across the room, I notice the same photo on Rhi’s bookshelf as I saw in Rafe’s apartment. And it reminds of just how oblivious I was back then. All those nights I’d hang out with Rhi at her apartment or the mornings we’d gorge ourselves on pancakes and eggs after a grueling PT session, and all that time, she was suffering. Worrying about the next time Allen would come after her. Threaten her. Touch her against her will.
The reality of my actions is something I’m not proud to admit.
Turning back to Rhiannon, I take a deep breath before admitting quietly, “I know I fucked up. I let my emotions get the best of me.” A beat, and then I add, “I don’t regret separating from the Army. Not for a second. Without you there… I didn’t want to be, either.”
“Hawk.”
“It’s true. But leaving… and then cutting everyone off… I shouldn’t have. It was wrong. It’s not an excuse, but in my head, I was doing the right thing. Leaving so I wouldn’t be in a position to let you down again.”
Rhiannon stares at me for a second. Then she frowns. With a bite in her voice, she asks, “Don’t you think I should have been the one to decide if you let me down? Not you?”
My heart drops to my feet.
She’ll never give me a chance. Not to have the kind of relationship I really want with her. And the only one to blame is me.
“I’m so sorry.” My heart jumps back to my throat as I reach for her hands, terrified she’ll pull them away. But she lets me hold them; though her fingers don’t wrap around mine like they did before. “I’m so sorry. I know… Shit. I don’t deserve forgiveness. I hurt you. And—” My voice goes rough. “I hate myself for it.”
Her blue eyes hold mine, the expression in them unreadable. Then— oh, thank you to whatever power is up there —then, she squeezes my hands. “We both screwed up, Hawk. I made mistakes.”
“No—”
“I did. I should have told you guys sooner. Trusted that you’d have my six, not just in battle, but with Allen, too. I was so determined to deal with it myself. And I guess…”
In a low tone, she continues, “I was ashamed. Yes, I was scared about the threats Allen made. But I also was scared you guys would look at me differently. Not as one of the team, but this weak woman who couldn’t stand up for herself.”
“Rhi. Oh, no.” My heart isn’t just aching. It’s raw and bleeding. The idea that she would be ashamed about something like that, scared, thinking herself weak when she’s the furthest thing from it… “You had nothing to be ashamed about. At all.”
“But it wouldn’t have happened to you guys. Just me. And after I worked so hard to get everyone to look at me as an equal, I was terrified that I’d prove all the people who doubted me right. That I didn’t belong there. That I couldn’t do the job as well as the men.”
There’s a sheen of moisture in her eyes as she looks back at me. Her chin wobbles. “I didn’t want to be seen as weak, Hawk. And I was so damned stubborn. I thought I could handle it all by myself. Instead—” A tear tracks down her cheek. “I ruined everything.”
The need to hold her is almost unbearable. “You didn’t. You were—” I cut myself off before I say the rest of it. A victim. Because I know that’s the last thing she wants to consider herself. “You thought you were protecting us.”
More tears spring free. “But I didn’t. After everything, it was all for nothing.”
Fuck.
Seeing Rhiannon cry isn’t just terrible. It’s gut wrenching. “Please don’t cry,” I beg her. “It wasn’t all for nothing. You stopped him. Now Allen won’t do the same thing to anyone else.”
“But you. Xavier. Knox. I ruined?—”
Screw it.
Praying I’m not making a massive mistake, I pull her into my arms. There’s a moment of stiffness before she sags against me, leaning her cheek on my shoulder. I rub her back in slow circles as I croon, “You didn’t. I promise. You didn’t. And I’m so sorry I made you feel that way.”
“It wasn’t you,” she mumbles into my neck. “Not back then.”
But.
I know her unspoken words without hearing them. She thought I blamed her.
“I’m so sorry,” I repeat. “I was such an ass. Can you ever forgive me?”
Rhiannon lifts her head. Pink-eyed, she meets my gaze. “Hawk.” Her voice quivers. “How could I not? Even when I was mad at you, I would have forgiven you in a second if you’d asked.”
Oh.
How could I have been so stupid?
Why didn’t I just… Shit. Do something to fix this sooner?
“Is it too late, Rhi? Did I fuck this up beyond repair?”
As she looks at me, with flushed cheeks and tousled hair and a vulnerability I’ve never seen in her eyes, I know I would do anything— anything —to get just one more chance.
After a brief hesitation, she asks, “Do you mean our friendship? Or… something more?”
I brush my thumb across her cheek, wiping away the tears still lingering there. “I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me. Friendship, if that’s all you want. But if there’s a chance… I want more with you. Whatever you’re willing to give.”
“I want more. But—” Her mouth clamps shut.
“What?”
“What if you leave again?”
Ouch.
But I can’t blame her for asking. Not after what I did.
“I won’t,” I reply firmly. “And I know you won’t trust me at first. But I’ll stay here. Keep proving to you that I won’t go anywhere.”
“You won’t go back to Alaska?” A beat, and then, “I mean, I know it’s your job. But… when you’re not working? And for now? You’ll stay?”
With Rhi in my arms, holding her like I’ve dreamed about for so long, it’s on the tip of my tongue to vow to never leave. To quit my job and move to Texas. To do literally anything to have her in my life again. But I think we’ve had enough revelations today, so I tuck that away for another time. Maybe once I’ve convinced her I mean what I say.
“Yes. I promise.”
Her hand comes to my jaw, her fingers lightly brushing across the beard that’s several days longer than I usually keep. “And we’ll work on this something more together?”
“Yes.” It’s immediate. “There’s nothing I want more.”
She blows out a long breath. “Okay.” Then her lips curve up. “So. You’re staying.”
My own lips twitch. “I’m staying.”
“If we’re more than friends now… There’s something I’ve wanted to do. For a really long time.”
Hope blossoms in my chest. “What?”
Rhiannon leans closer. Close enough that I can see the tiny freckle above her left eyebrow and the flecks of green and silver in her eyes.
There’s this pull between us. A connection I always felt but tried to suppress for years.
It’s like I told her in the hospital. Once I met Rhi, no one else could compare.
Did I try? Yes. But each time, I walked away feeling worse than before. Guilty. Lonely. Empty.
“I’ve thought about kissing you,” she replies quietly.
The hope explodes in a firework of joy.
Could this really be happening? After everything?
“I’ve thought about it, too.” My hand comes to her cheek. “So many times.”
I move even closer to her, our faces a whisper away, adding, “I can’t think of anything I want more than to kiss you.”
Her eyes light. The worry and stress drain away, replaced by a hopeful, almost disbelieving expression. “Then I think we should.”
As we come together, time slows.
And then.
We kiss.
First, it’s a slow exploration, tender and cautious. Because as much as I want to dive in, to experience all I’ve fantasized about, I won’t rush this. Not now. Not the first time.
It’s all light caresses and gentle nips; the slight pain smoothed away by the stroke of a tongue.
Rhi’s arms twine around me, holding me close. And mine do the same as I embrace her in the way I’ve wanted for so long.
When the kiss grows deeper, I tease her mouth open and delve inside, tasting an indescribable sweetness that I’ll always associate with her.
Our tongues move together, just a tease of an intimacy we might—if things go as well as I hope—have later. Once I’ve proven myself. Once Rhi knows I’m holding true to my word.
Her breasts press temptingly against my chest, her nipples pebbling through the fabric of her shirt.
Though it’s only a kiss—but it feels like so much more—I’m achingly hard.
And while it seems an exaggeration to even think it, my heart feels like it’s floating.
I’ve never been a romantic guy, thinking about love in terms of flowers and sweet songs and grand gestures, like some of my friends have done for their women.
But as our lips meet and my body comes alive, I finally understand what it all means.
Doing anything to make the woman you love happy.
Because after all these years, I still love her.
I think I always will.
After a minute or an hour, the kiss finally ends when we pull away, both breathing hard.
While I’d love to go back for a second kiss, I force myself to stay still. “Was that okay?”
Rhiannon pauses before answering. My heart makes a sickening swoop to the ground and back again.
Then she smiles. “Hawk. It was even better than I even imagined. Can we do it again?”
Oh.
How did I get lucky enough to be given another chance with her?
“Yes.” I hug her to me, pressing my lips to the top of her head. “We absolutely can do that again.”