CHAPTER 16
HAWK
She’s still quieter than I’d like her to be.
It’s not that I don’t get it. Even someone as strong as Rhiannon reaches their breaking point eventually. And given everything that’s been thrown at her over the last few weeks, it’s not a surprise that she’s struggling.
Not with the danger she faced—my strong Rhi managed to take all that in stride. Nearly blown up by a car bomb? Shot not just once, but twice? Still healing from over two dozen stitches and still-fading bruises from her numerous brushes with death? No problem.
At least for her. Me, on the other hand? I’m not dealing with it nearly as well. Every night I wake up at least once with my heart beating out of my chest, my mind filled with terrible scenarios when the outcome was much different. As I lie in bed, silently willing my pulse to slow, I try to erase the terrible images—Rhi bleeding out on the floor at the rental house after Martin shot her in the gut, hooked up to countless monitors in the hospital after she suffered a traumatic brain injury in the parking garage, and the worst of all, just a lonely tombstone with a pile of freshly-moved soil in front of it, the marker announcing that my incredible Rhi is gone.
I haven’t told Rhiannon about my nightmares, not because I’m trying to hide them from her, but because I don’t want to give her something else to feel guilty about.
She shouldn’t be. To everyone else, it’s abundantly clear none of this was her fault. Unfortunately, nothing I say seems to convince her of that.
Her nightmares are about the people she thinks she failed.
Last night, when she woke on a strangled breath, tears shining in her eyes, she admitted to me quietly, “I can’t stop seeing it. Martin’s face. How much he hated me. And I can’t help wondering if I could have tried harder to save Thunder. Maybe it really was my fault he died.”
It wasn’t. Not even a little. Like I said to Martin, I was there. There was nothing Rhiannon could have done. The injuries were just too severe. Maybe if we’d been five minutes from a trauma unit with a team of doctors and countless machines… Maybe Thunder would have made it. But out in the field like that, there wasn’t a chance.
I’ve tried to reassure Rhiannon over and over in the two days since Martin was arrested. I tell her that he was unstable—we discovered shortly after his arrest that he had lost his job due to his heavy drinking, and it seems likely that the recent breakup of his marriage was the final catalyst that pushed him over the edge.
We don’t know for sure, though, because he can’t tell us. During his transfer to the county jail, he tried to escape and fell down the stairs, suffering a head injury that put him into a coma he still hasn’t come out of.
So that’s another thing Rhi feels guilty about. Because after all that man did to her, she still feels sorry for him. “I know you think I shouldn’t,” she told me this morning while she picked at her breakfast, “But I can’t help it. I feel so bad for Martin. He lost everything. His son. His wife. And now…”
Her fork clattered to the plate as she sucked in a shuddering breath. “Now he could die. And it’s all because I couldn’t save his son.”
Watching the tears leak down her cheeks was my undoing. I leaped out of my chair and pulled Rhi into my arms, embracing her as she broke down again. “It’s not your fault,” I told her, my chest feeling carved out and aching. “You did all you could.”
“But—”
“What he did was on him,” I continued, gently but firmly. “Not you. I know it hurts. But you didn’t do anything wrong. I promise.”
I don’t think she believes me yet. But I’ll keep telling her until she does.
In the meantime, at least I know she’s safe. Though she hasn’t left Blade and Arrow yet—it’s been too busy with meetings with the team, updates from the police, and regular check-ins from Dante to make sure Rhi’s doing okay physically—she can when she’s ready.
We would have had enough evidence to implicate Martin by the actions at the rental house alone. The breaking and entering, his obvious attempt to kill Rhi by shooting the mattress, the bullet that winged her shoulder, his confession… But the police found even more proof when they searched his apartment in Austin.
They uncovered remnants of the materials to construct a bomb just like the one attached to Rhiannon’s car, scribbled instructions on how to make it, and the most damning of all, the rifle that was used to shoot Rhi on the B and A property.
So even with Martin in a coma and unable to be questioned by the police, it’s pretty damn clear he was the one behind everything.
Does that mean I’m going to feel great about Rhi going back to work again? Not really. I’d be happier if she took a well-deserved break, like her teammates suggested she do.
“Take a couple weeks off,” Dante told her yesterday. “You’re due a vacation. Stay here. Or take a trip. Whatever you want. We can handle things until you’re back.”
Fat chance. Already, she’s itching to get back to work. And while part of it is because she’s always been dedicated to her job, I know it’s also because she desperately wants something to take her mind off things.
I’d be in favor of that if I didn’t know firsthand how dangerous it is to shove down your feelings. That’s why I came up with a plan that I hope will help her—not completely, I’m not that idealistic—feel less guilty.
Not just that, but a plan to show her how much she’s loved.
Speaking of the plan, I need to make sure everything is in order. So I grab my phone from the kitchen counter and send a quick message to Xavier.
Hey. Everything all set in the barn?
Less than a minute later, his response appears.
All set. Decorations are done, Dante and Sarah have the food ready, and just heard from Ace and Rafe. They should be here within the hour.
Good. I’d like to be out there doing the final preparations myself, but that would mean leaving Rhi alone in her apartment, and I’m not willing to be apart from her yet.
As I head from the kitchen into the living room, I type out a quick reply.
Ok. Just give me the heads up when everyone is there and I’ll bring her out. Thanks for doing this.
Almost immediately, his answering message blinks onto the screen.
You don’t have to thank me. I’d do anything to help Rhi. We all would.
Just as I’ve thought dozens of times since I came to Blade and Arrow, I ask myself, why did I leave all this ?
Life is so much better when you’re part of a team.
Not just a team, but a family, like Rhiannon has here.
A family I could have been a part of.
I spot Rhi sitting on the couch, her legs tucked up underneath the blanket Sarah gave her, looking so much smaller and more vulnerable than she usually does. Her face is pale, her eyes shadowed by bluish smudges. Strain is etched into her features, and her lips have a downturned cast.
Now that I think about it, she hasn’t smiled once in the last two days.
Determination floods through me, followed by a surge of intense protectiveness.
I need to fix this. Do whatever I can to help her.
Gentling my voice so I don’t startle her—she’s been jumpier than normal recently, and for good reason—I say, “Hey, babe. How are you doing?”
Rhiannon’s head swings towards me, and a ghost of something almost resembling a smile appears. “I’m good. Just watching an old episode of Flip or Flop . Do you want to join me?”
“Sure.” I head over to the couch and sink down onto the cushion beside her. “But I was hoping to talk to you, too.”
Her brows wing into a curious V. “Sure. What’s up?”
“Well.” I loop my arm around her shoulders and press a soft kiss to her cheek. “You know I love watching these shows with you. But I was thinking maybe we could head out to the barn. Get some fresh air. Grill some food. It’s almost dinnertime, you know.”
Lines etch into her forehead as she looks at me. “I guess. If you want to.”
She sounds about as enthusiastic as she would for a root canal.
Nervous jitters erupt in my belly. What if this is a bad idea? What if I’m pushing Rhi too quickly?
Then again. Maybe it’s exactly what she needs.
“Just for a little while,” I reply. “If we get out there, and you’re too tired, we can come back in. Okay?”
Rhiannon gives me an affronted look. “Too tired? It’s barely evening. And it’s not like I’ve been doing anything strenuous. Just sitting here on the couch all day. I think I can handle going out to the barn.”
That’s the Rhiannon I know. “That’s what I thought.”
Snuggling against me, she rests her head on my shoulder. Her hair tickles my chin, smelling softly of sugar and coconut. “When do you want to go out there? Now?”
I press a kiss to the top of her head. “I was thinking maybe in an hour or so. We can watch a couple of episodes of Flip or Flop first. And—” With my free hand, I reach into my pocket and wrap my fingers around the small velvet pouch inside. “I wanted to give you something.”
“Oh?” She tips her head back to meet my gaze. “What?”
As I draw the pouch from my pocket, my heart lurches unevenly.
I’ve given Rhiannon gifts before, but they’ve always been more practical things. A new fleece to replace the old one that has a hole in the elbow. A fancy toaster oven with eight different features to cook the pizza bagels she loves. And probably the least romantic of the bunch; a full kit of hex wrenches after I discovered she didn’t have one.
This is different.
This gift means so much more.
“Well…” My hand grows damp as I wrestle with the silly little ribbon holding the pouch shut. “It’s something I got for you a long time ago, really. And I… I guess… Well. I just thought…”
Shit. What is wrong with me? I’m practically stammering.
“Hawk?” Rhiannon’s expression shifts from curious to concerned. “Are you okay? Is something wrong?”
“No, nothing’s wrong.” Trying to untie this damn ribbon is basically impossible one-handed, especially while attempting to keep Rhiannon from seeing it. “I just. Well. Shit.”
Yanking the pouch from my pocket, I use both hands to get it open. Upending the little bag, I empty its contents into my palm. “I bought this for you… I don’t know. Three years ago? I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get to give it to you. But?—”
“Three years ago? We weren’t even?—”
“I know.” Holding the delicate necklace out to her, I explain, “I saw it in this store in Fairbanks. I wasn’t looking for anything, but I saw it in the display window and it just looked…” I trail off as my throat goes unexpectedly thick. “It looked perfect for you. So I had to get it.”
“Hawk.” Rhiannon takes the necklace from me and inspects it, her gaze moving across the fine golden chain and the tiny jade heart hanging from it. “You got this for me? But I don’t… I didn’t think… I don’t understand.”
“Jade is the state gemstone,” I tell her, somewhat nonsensically. “For Alaska.”
“It’s beautiful. But why would you buy it when we never saw each other?”
My ears go hot as I say, “Because I thought about you all the time. I missed you. And when I saw this necklace, I immediately thought of you. It’s not fancy, not like the jewelry your mom wears to her events. But it just seemed to fit you. Strong. Beautiful. Natural. Maybe it’s silly, but I kept it with me on the off chance I might be able to give it to you one day.”
“Hawk.” Her chin wobbles. Moisture shines in her eyes, turning them a shimmering sapphire. “I love it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” Rhiannon holds the necklace out to me. “Will you put it on? Please?”
“Of course.” I fasten the necklace around her neck. The heart settles just below her collarbone, and this sense of rightness moves through me. It looks perfect, just like I always thought it would.
“Is it weird?” I ask, my eyes still glued to the necklace I’ve held onto for years. “That I bought it not knowing if I’d give it to you?”
She touches my cheek, her slender fingers cool against my heated skin. “No. Because I thought about you all the time, too. Things I wanted to show you. Funny stuff I saw.” She stops. Swallows hard. “You were always with me, Hawk. Always.”
Oh.
My heart.
“Rhi.”
“Hawk.”
It hurts to think about how much time we lost.
My eyes burn. “I’m sorry, Rhi. I wish?—”
“No.” Her mouth covers mine. Not in a tender kiss this time, but a needy one. “No more apologizing. Okay? We both made mistakes. But it doesn’t matter now. We’re here. Together. And that’s what matters.”
How in the world did I get lucky enough to be given a second chance?
“I have an idea,” she continues. And a true smile curves her lips. “You said we could go out to the barn in an hour. But instead of watching Flip or Flop until then, how about we spend it in the bedroom?”
She doesn’t need to ask twice.
Standing, I scoop Rhiannon into my arms, one arm behind her back and the other her legs. She lets out a surprised laugh, and one of the weights pressing on my chest falls off. “Yes,” I tell her. “I think that’s a great idea.”
* * *
Maybe we didn’t make it in exactly an hour.
By the time Rhiannon and I get outside, it’s more like an hour and a half. But I texted Xavier to give him a heads up, letting him know we’d be a little later than planned.
So we’ll be the last to arrive. That’s okay.
Especially given the reason we’re late—not just one round in the bedroom, but two.
As if I’d hurry her? As if I’d want to?
I counted five genuine smiles and four bursts of laughter between giving Rhi the necklace and leaving her apartment.
Progress.
And having that time with her meant more than anything.
Time that was almost taken from us.
Time I’ll never take for granted again.
“Hawk, why are you walking so fast?” Rhiannon glances up at me with a half-smile. “Are you that hungry? We could have stopped after the first time. We didn’t have to?—”
I belatedly realize my pace has picked up since we stepped outside, so I slow my steps. Giving her hand a little squeeze, I reply, “I was hungry for you . Not food.”
Her expression brightens. “That was pretty great, wasn’t it? Especially what you did the second time with your tongue. I really liked that .”
Even though I wouldn’t have thought I could get hard again so quickly, I’m proven wrong. My arousal throbs insistently behind the barrier of my jeans, making me wish I’d chosen to wear a fabric that was more forgiving.
With my free hand, I adjust myself as I smile at her. Having an obvious hard-on back at the apartment would be no problem. But walking into the barn with all of Rhiannon’s teammates and friends there? Not so much. “Maybe later I can do it to you again.”
Her gaze drops below my waist, and she smirks. “Looks like you’re still hungry. You know, I could text everyone and ask them to steer clear of the barn tonight. If you wanted.”
While her idea sounds pretty damn great, that ship has sailed. At least for tonight. “Maybe,” I hedge. “We probably should get some actual food first. You didn’t eat much for breakfast. Or lunch.”
Or any meal over the last two days, really. While Rhi’s been struggling with her misplaced guilt, her appetite has almost disappeared. I’m hoping that tonight, with all her friends supporting her, she might be distracted enough to actually eat something.
Rhiannon’s smile fades for a moment before reappearing. “Well. I think I could eat something. And then?—”
But she stops as the barn comes into view.
It’s aglow with lights, thousands of them strung around the windows and giant double doors, and even more twinkling inside. From within the barn, a happy buzz of voices intermingles with softly playing music. The aroma of burgers and hot dogs wafts across the lawn towards us. A burst of laughter erupts, followed by an indignant, “Hey! No breathing on the tower.”
Extreme Jenga, no doubt. And from the sound of it, Rafe isn’t too happy with whoever he’s playing against.
“Breathing?” Dante asks with a note of disbelief. “I’m not allowed to breathe on the tower? Are you kidding me?”
“Not when you’re huffing and puffing like a damn dragon,” Rafe retorts. “Regular breathing is fine. But what you’re doing isn’t normal.”
I can only imagine. Back when I used to play extreme Jenga with the team, it was a cutthroat competition, and we all tried to come up with devious ways of winning.
“What’s going on?” Rhi turns towards me with a questioning expression. “I thought we were just coming out here to grill?”
Dropping her hand, I wrap my arm around her waist and tug her into my side. “We are grilling. Can’t you smell it?”
“Yes…” She drags out the word. “But you didn’t mention everyone—” Leaning forward, she peers at the barn. “Is that Ace in there? And Cillian? And Rafe?”
Another flutter of nerves hits me.
It’s the craziest thing. I’ve always been confident in my choices—joining the Army, the Green Berets, and even leaving to move to Alaska—but with Rhi, I’m terrified of messing up.
“Yeah, all three of them. Plus everyone on the team. And Jade and Sarah and Lucy and Isla. Plus Declan and Dove.” A happy bark joins the rise and fall of voices. “And Rambo, it sounds like. Probably lurking around the grill, hoping for treats.”
“Hawk, I don’t understand. What is this?”
We’re almost to the barn, close enough to see the expectant faces looking in our direction.
“I know you’ve been feeling down,” I reply. “And everyone wants to help. Show their support. I just thought it might be nice to have an evening with all your friends.”
Rhiannon stares at me with an indecipherable expression in her eyes. Her teeth dig into her lower lip. “You planned this?”
“If you don’t want to go, we can head back to the apartment. If you’re not ready to be around so many people.”
Before she can respond, Xavier bounds through the open barn doorway and in our direction. With a bright smile, he calls out, “Rhi! Hawk! It’s about time you two got here.”
Right behind him, Cillian follows, a matching smile stretched across his face. “Hey, guys. It’s been ages. So glad to see you.”
Rhiannon glances at them, then back at me. She blinks. Tears shine in her eyes.
My stomach drops. It’s too soon. I should have waited. Given her more time to hermit inside her apartment. Not assumed I knew what’s best.
Dammit. I should have known better.
Once they reach us, Cillian pulls Rhiannon in for a quick hug. “Hey, you.” Then he claps me on the shoulder and flashes a smile. “And you. Nice to see you back in civilization again.”
Xavier looks at Rhiannon, his expression sobering. “Is this alright, Rhi? Hawk thought… well, we all did. That this might be nice. And we got Rafe and Ace and Cillian to come.”
“Where’s Raisa?” she asks Cillian. “Did she come, too?”
“Unfortunately not,” he replies. “She’s been really busy with work. Traveling a lot. So it’s just me. I hope that’s okay.”
Her gaze shifts to mine again. “This was all your idea?”
I nod. “It was. So… if you don’t like it, blame me. Maybe it’s too soon. I probably should have asked first. I just?—”
“We all care about you,” Xavier interrupts. “And when Hawk mentioned his idea, we were all on board. We’ve all been through tough times. And you know what?”
Rhi edges closer to me. Her hand slips into the back pocket of my jeans, clinging tightly. “What?”
“Every time, you’ve been there for us. All of us. Without question. When Lucy was struggling, you were there for her. Whenever she needed. You were there for me. You always have been.”
“You’ve always been there,” Cillian adds. “And I know you try to be strong for everyone. But we want to be strong for you, too.”
While Rhiannon looks at Xavier and Cillian, Lucy comes over to join us. She gives Rhi a side hug, the best she can do with her stomach in the way. “When I was having such a hard time, you were there for me. And when I felt so guilty about bringing trouble here, do you remember what you told me?”
After a brief hesitation, Rhi replies, “Yes. I told you that it wasn’t your fault. That you can’t control the bad things other people do.”
Lucy lifts her chin. “Right. And I know you’re feeling guilty. But you shouldn’t. Like you said, you can’t control the bad things other people do. Right?”
Rhiannon sniffs. Gives a slow nod. “You’re right.”
“So.” Xavier hugs Lucy to his side while he holds Rhi’s gaze. “We’re all here. There’s food. Games. Music. Our old teammates. There’s a lot to celebrate, don’t you think?”
“Like being safe,” Lucy adds.
Cillian glances at me and gives an approving smile. “And seeing the two of you together. Finally.”
I lift my chin at him. “I know. It took me a while to get my head out of my ass. But I’m not leaving Rhi again. Ever.”
“Really?” Xavier raises his eyebrows at me. “You’re not going back to Alaska?”
“No.” I meet his gaze steadily. “I’ll go back to pack up. But then I’m moving to Texas. As close to Rhi as she’ll let me.”
Rhiannon looks up at me, tears welling up in her eyes. “Hawk.”
“Is that okay?” I ask quietly. “Unless you didn’t want me telling people yet?—”
“Of course.” She kisses my cheek. “Of course it is.”
“And this party, is it okay, too?”
In the moments we wait for her to respond, everyone catches their breath.
Then.
She smiles, the biggest one yet. “Yes. This is perfect.”
Then to me, as we walk towards the barn, she whispers in my ear, “I love you. To infinity and past that. Thank you for doing this for me.”
Oh.
“I love you.” I reply. “And I’ll do anything for you. I always will.”