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CHAPTER

FORTY-ONE

ASHER

I t was all Asher could do to stay where he was, grasping the picture in his fingertips.

He had never wanted to run away so badly in his life.

He didn’t care about the thunder, or the chill of the rain, or anything else. Nothing could possibly be more terrifying than facing Karlin with what he had to say.

Nothing.

But a saner part of him knew that it was already too late for that.

Apparently, looking at a photograph could be enough to change his life in an instant.

This was a surprise to him, but God had always known. He had to trust in that.

He had to take his own advice to heart.

“Axel, what’s going on?” Karlin said, reaching out and taking the photo from him. “You look like you just saw a ghost.”

The words she chose felt like a physical blow.

A ghost was exactly what he’d seen. A ghost he’d been trying not to think about for the past fourteen years of his life.

“It’s–it’s complicated,” he started, annoyed at his own cliched words as he tried and failed to think of any possible way he could soften the blow.

So many clues were falling into place now.

Little details he could have probably put together had he been looking for them, but of course, he hadn’t been.

Not until now.

“What? Axel, chill. It’s just a picture of my brother, not some guy I’m in love with. I like having him with me, that’s all.”

She was clearly trying to joke, but her voice was wavering. He had already scared her. The least he could do was to spit the truth out as quickly as possible.

“I wish it was,” he said, shaking his head as tears began to prick at the corners of his eyes.

“What?”

“This is a photo of Rome, isn’t it? Rome Collins…not McKenna.”

Karlin’s brow knit in confusion.

“Yeah, we have different dads,” she said slowly. “His is even more messed-up than mine, if you can believe that. Ran off while our mom was pregnant. But how did you know his nickname? I haven’t heard anyone call him that in years. Probably because he isn’t so ‘built’ anymore.”

Asher smiled through the tears that were now impossible to hold back.

Rome, the gym junkie, who didn’t get built in a day.

“I knew him,” he admitted, struggling to say the words.

He had to get this out.

There was no running from it. Even if she hated him for it, this beautiful, wonderful woman deserved to know the truth now that he did.

“I–I was with him in Afghanistan. He was part of my platoon.”

His voice broke as the memories came flooding back, choking him, drowning him, threatening to pull him under right then and there.

It had been years since he’d cried about that day, but here he was, sobbing as Karlin tried to console him. The tender touch of her fingers against his shoulders felt like he was being burned.

“Please don’t touch me,” he snapped. “I don’t deserve it.”

“Axel–”

The sorrow within him was beginning to simmer into rage.

Rage at the war, rage at the Taliban, rage at the United States government, rage at everything and everyone that led him to an isolated outpost in the middle of that desert hell.

“I was the one who fell asleep on watch that night!” he nearly shouted at her. “I was supposed to be paying attention. I was supposed to be stopping people at the gate.”

Karlin shrank back like she’d been slapped, but he continued on, unable to stop the angry words that were pouring from him freely now.

It wasn’t everyone else he was angry at.

It was himself.

He had no one else to blame but himself and his own incredible capacity for messing up.

“I knew better. I’d been out on exercise, sleeping on the ground for a couple of days beforehand.

I was way too exhausted by the time we got back to base to take a shift on watch.

but I was too proud to ask for help when my partner didn’t show up.

I thought the Red Bull my mom had sent would be enough to keep me awake, but it wasn’t. ”

He kept waiting for Karlin to yell at him, or slap him, or do anything at all.

Anything would have been better than the way she was staring at him now, her eyes filled with hurt.

But still, she said nothing.

Her silence was too much to bear.

“It’s my fault that IUD made it into camp,” he snapped.

“It’s my fault that Nico Delgado was blown to pieces.

It’s my fault that Rome ended up with PTSD.

It’s my fault that I was never there for him, or for anyone else in our platoon, because I was too much of a coward to face them. It’s all my fault.”

Karlin got to her feet and walked over to the woodstove, picked up a piece of firewood, and tossed it inside.

“I finished out the rest of my contract with a different unit, and left as soon as I could,” he continued, desperate to fill the silence. She wasn’t even looking at him now. If it wasn’t for the small amount of space between them, he could believe she hadn’t heard him at all.

“By that point, Gabe had already started Forge Brothers Security, so I had a job to come home to. I ran away and never looked back. I never checked up on any of my old platoon mates…I just wanted to forget my past. I never thought–Karlin, I had no idea that Rome was your brother until I saw that picture. I am so sorry. Please.”

But no matter how much he tried to stammer out an apology, she stayed where she was, staring into the flames without a word.

KARLIN

Karlin’s body seemed to be moving of its own volition. She felt like someone else was putting on her wet shoes and opening the door of the cabin.

She was a thousand miles away, too angry and too hurt to think very much about what she was doing.

But she knew one thing.

If she didn’t keep moving, she was going to break.

Axel was saying something, getting up and trying to bar her from leaving, but she ignored him and shoved her way past.

It was windy and raining, and there was still no hint of the coming sun, but she observed these details with indifference.

Her nerves were already burning with anxiety, waiting for something terrible to happen.

She didn’t feel the cold, the damp, or anything else.

She was too caught up with remembering.

Remembering that day and the other cabin.

John’s cabin.

Lightning flashed, and she made her way across the valley, her feet carrying her over crevices in the rock, her body on autopilot.

Axel was still talking, still pleading, but she was getting ahead of him now. She knew this area better than he did.

She smiled to herself as more thunder crashed.

The first time she’d discovered this cabin, several years after starting this job with Senera, she’d hated it.

It reminded her too much of that day.

But after a while, her feelings had changed.

She’d never spent any time in it or attempted to tidy it up, but in the back of her mind, she liked that it was there. If the time came to run, she liked knowing there was somewhere nearby that she could go.

She’d never told John that she understood now why he’d chosen a cabin of his own, off the grid, away from everyone and everything.

Away from the life that was just too painful for him to live.

The perfect place for running, and just as broken and damaged as the person who sought refuge within its crumbling log walls.

She’d never told him she understood.

But she did.

“Karlin, please, wait,” Axel was calling from somewhere behind her.

She looked up at the steep rock path ahead and started to climb, not bothering to look back.

Even in the dark, she knew this would lead to the main retreat site.

She didn’t know what she’d do when she got there, but some detached part of her logical mind figured it was the logical next step.

The rain was worse now, she realized.

As she clambered up the steep path, she could feel her feet slipping every minute or two, slowing her progress.

It was stupid to be out here. Her logical mind knew that, too. But to go back? To turn to him, after everything he’d just said? She couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t.

“I promise I won’t try and stop you from leaving,” Axel called up to her. “Just wait for the storm to pass first. Please.”

She paused where she stood, her fingers aching as she gripped a nearby branch, trying to keep her balance as anger coursed through her. It felt so much better than the pain and hollowness she’d been feeling.

She turned to look down at Axel.

He was trying desperately to catch up with her, but every time lightning flashed and thunder struck, he paused, touching the rocks with his palms. One of his shoes had come halfway off, and she could see blood leaking through the paper towel they’d used to try and bandage his knee.

“Let the storm pass, huh?” she called out, her voice thick with bitterness. “That’s how you deal with everything, isn’t it? Let the storm pass. Let the good times roll. Make your jokes and goof off and live your life, all while John–”

She struggled to get the rest of the words out. The rain mingled with her tears as sobs clutched at her throat.

She was so sick of crying over one man already.

Two was a real kick in the face.

Axel was gaining on her easily now that she’d stopped, but she was too tired to keep moving. Going back to the cabin seemed too difficult, too. Everything did.

“Just stay there, okay?” he was saying, his voice gentle, like she was a frightened desert hare that was going to bolt at any moment.

If he was smart, he’d realize that, if anything, she was a copperhead.

“I’m coming.”

She watched him through tears as he made his way up the final stretch of the path.

She was too exhausted to run away. She was too exhausted to fight, too, but all she wanted to do was to lash out, anyway.

The anger and pain was too heavy to keep inside of her anymore. Her head hurt, and her heart felt like it might give up on beating if she didn’t calm down. Every part of her was determined to let him take on the wrath she’d been burying for so many lonely years.

Axel was closer now, close enough to see the way he trembled a little with each clap of thunder, but they didn’t seem to be slowing him down anymore.

Maybe he was good at running away. But she had to admit it–he was also pretty good at pushing forward.

By the time he reached her, she couldn’t bring herself to yell at him.

She wanted to, but something inside of her had gone quiet and still.

Even her tears had dried. Somehow, the rain had slowed a little, though she doubted the reprieve would last.

She wasn’t crying.

But Axel was.

When the lightning struck, she could see the redness in his eyes. He kept swiping at his tears with his soaking wet sleeve.

“Karlin, I’m so sorry,” he said again. He’d said it so many times already, but the words hadn’t lost their meaning.

He sounded just as sincere as he had the first time, not that she’d wanted to listen.

“I don’t think there’s any way I can ever apologize enough, and I don’t expect your forgiveness, but please just… hear me.”

His voice broke on the final words, and her heart broke right along with it.

She slid to the ground, resting against a muddy rock, already so wet and uncomfortable that she didn’t think it could get much worse.

Even the wind seemed to be listening now.

It was still blowing across the desert, but it wasn’t as fierce as it had been a few moments ago. The lightning and thunder continued, but more slowly, as though they were taking turns to eavesdrop in between their bursts of fury.

And finally, Karlin knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was time to speak.