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CHAPTER

THIRTY-FIVE

KARLIN

T o Karlin’s relief, the other patients did calm down, though she struggled to get her own heart to stop racing.

She spent the next little while checking vitals, monitoring each patient individually, and trying to talk to those who could do so, which at the moment seemed to be only Paul, and presumably Axel, though he was acting like he couldn’t even hear her.

As the minutes ticked past, she found herself actually missing Bajwa. At this moment, despite everything, she wished that she could share his rock-solid faith in DX8–even if just to get through the night and figure out what on earth was going on.

Once again, her anger at Senera flared. Trip killers should have been synthesized specifically for use with DX8.

If the company had funded this basic precaution, she would have been able to get everyone sober within an hour or so.

Now, she was trapped here until morning, left with no choice but to hope that no medical complications or even bad trip experiences would arise.

No, that wasn’t strictly true.

She could also pray that God would protect her patients, and she took a moment to do so as she waited for the blood pressure cuff to inflate on Paul’s upper arm.

The more that the idea of faith had intruded into her life, the more her life’s work felt like a sham. Even if DX8 was safe, or could somehow be tested ethically–neither of which she could agree with any more–could she ever be okay with working with psychedelics again?

Could she ever be okay with helping other people to leave their rational minds behind?

She shook her head, attempting to clear her thoughts as she slipped the cuff off of Paul’s bicep. His blood pressure was a little high, but not enough to be truly worrisome, considering what he’d just witnessed.

Her existential moral crisis would have to wait. Even though everyone was medically fine at the moment, she knew that the current situation was untenable. Senera may have thought she was capable of handling the rest of this trip by herself, but she knew the FDA would not agree.

She had to call in another scientist for backup. If there was any chance at all that she would be able to work in the medical research field again, she had to be able to say that in an emergency, she’d done the right thing and sought help.

She needed to find a sat phone. Had she been thinking ahead, she would have asked Bajwa to leave his behind, but unfortunately, it was too late for that, unless he’d left it in the Jeep.

It was worth checking–Bajwa didn’t always remember to lock his vehicle–but if there was no phone there, she’d be leaving her patients alone for nothing.

On the other hand, it would take her only a few minutes if she hurried, and maybe she wouldn’t need to go at all.

She looked over at Axel.

His eyes were closed, and he and Cora were now sitting calmly together. Lily had scooted her mat over to be closer to them. Paul was no longer crying, in fact, he looked more peaceful than she’d ever seen him.

She considered telling the whole group that she’d be back in five minutes, and that Axel was in charge–with Bajwa gone and with her promise to leave the next day, it no longer really mattered that he remained undercover as a fellow patient–but decided at once that it would be too risky.

Everyone was still high on DX8, and them finding out during a trip that Axel wasn’t actually one of them could trigger dangerous levels of paranoia. Another panic attack was the last thing she needed.

She settled on leaning over and whispering in his ear that she was stepping out and would be back in five minutes. He was hardly a scientist, but at least he was sober. If chaos was going to break out in the next five minutes, there wouldn’t be much she’d be able to do on her own, anyway.

She lingered several seconds longer than she had to, admiring the slight scruff on Axel’s face and ignoring the mad urge to press her lips against his.

Surely, he hadn’t been the one to call the police on Bajwa. She trusted him when he’d said he’d stick with her until tomorrow.

But if he didn’t, who did?

Before she could consider the matter any further, Lily shot up from her mat, mumbling something about feeling like she was going to throw up.

Jumping into action, Karlin rushed over and took the woman’s hand, guiding her out of the hut. The cool air outside was refreshing, but unfortunately, it didn’t seem to have much of a soothing effect on Lily’s stomach.

Karlin led her a few meters from the hut to where a convenient stand of thick bushes would provide a little bit of privacy.

“I’ll be right here, okay?” Karlin said gently.

She waited for several long minutes, but no repulsive sounds came.

Instead, she found herself actually enjoying the chance to escape into the calm night for a moment, even if it delayed her plan to go call for backup.

It felt good just to be alone in the dark and quiet.

Finally, after indulging in the silence for a couple more minutes, Karlin turned around to ask Lily if she felt any better.

But before she could say anything, her words were stolen away in a gasp.

Everything felt like it was beginning to move in slow motion as the peace she’d felt mere seconds ago slipped away in a single heartbeat.

A gun was now pointed directly at her head.

ASHER

Bajwa. Police. Dogs. Noise.

Asher was trying to think, but his brain didn’t seem to be working properly. It was like it could only process a single word at a time. Everything felt slow and thick, like he was trying to muscle his way through a tidal wave of quicksand.

Bajwa had been arrested. That much he could gather, but he didn’t understand why. The sounds of the barking dogs and the loud voices of the police officers had hurt his head.

The drums are gone, so why is it so loud?

Asking this question suddenly seemed very important. The police and the dogs and Bajwa were gone. It didn’t make sense. He knew somehow that the hut was relatively silent, so why did his head feel like it was pulsing with noise from the inside out?

He wanted to talk to Karlin.

That’s what he really wanted to do. He had to get up, go over to her, and tell her that he must have taken the wrong DX8 dose.

She seemed impossibly far away.

He would have settled for calling her name, but he couldn’t do that, either. He thought he managed to open his mouth a little, but maybe that was only his imagination. It was useless, anyway. No words came.

So instead, he just sat.

He tried to pray, but could barely think of the name of Jesus without feeling confused and exhausted. He could feel that his heart was beating fast. He could hear it in his ears. But other than that, he thought he felt okay. He was breathing.

He just had to focus on breathing.

Time passed.

He wasn’t sure how long it had been. He felt adrift, like there was nothing left pinning him down.

He opened his eyes at one point, not realizing that he had closed them, and he saw something.

Lily was standing up and following Karlin into the night.

The fact made him afraid–he knew he was afraid–but he didn’t feel it.

It was like God was shouting at him from Heaven itself, but he was too far away to hear anything but a vague whooshing in his ears.

No, surely, that was just his blood making that noise.

Right. That made more sense. It was loud.

So loud.

It reminded him of Afghanistan. It reminded him of the way his ears felt after the bomb that killed Nico went off.

The thought still scared him, even through the haze.

No. He had to focus on what was happening right here, right now. He didn’t have time to go back to the past, to things he couldn’t take back or do over again.

Lily. Karlin. Lily.

There was something he should have mentioned to her earlier. It hadn’t seemed important, but now, it was. It was like the drugs had unlocked something in his brain and it had become totally clear, but he couldn’t get to it.

He tried to force air in and out of his lungs.

Maybe he was just deluding himself. Everything was quiet. The others looked okay, and Karlin would be back in a minute. He had his gun if he needed it. He’d protect them all, and everything would be okay.

He closed his eyes again as gleaming stars and dancing lights played at the edge of his vision.

He just had to keep breathing. He just had to hold on.