Page 23

CHAPTER

TWENTY

KARLIN

T he waiting room smelled like plastic and rubbing alcohol.

Karlin shifted in her seat. Try as she might, she couldn’t manage to get comfortable, nor could she manage to forget about the last time she’d been in a hospital.

She’d been visiting John, and the waiting room had smelled exactly like this one did, right down to the vaguely floral scent of whatever cleaner the staff used.

At least this one led to normal patient rooms rather than a locked psych word. It was a solid step up.

Axel plunked himself in the seat next to her, handing her a vending machine coffee.

“Maybe my next dose of fake DX8 can have caffeine in it,” he joked, taking a large gulp from his matching paper cup. “I’m seriously starting to miss it.”

She opened her mouth to respond but quickly closed it again. She wanted to joke around with him, and she especially wanted the cheap, crappy coffee after so much deprivation, but she couldn’t seem to let go of the night’s stress.

Not to mention her own dark memories.

“Karlin, are you okay?” he asked, his expression moving instantly from playful to concerned.

To her horror, she felt her throat choking up with sobs as tears rolled down her cheeks.

What was it with this guy that made her so willing to break down like a delicate flower? It was maddening. But she couldn’t seem to help it.

Axel snatched away her coffee and set it with his own on top of a pile of old magazines. She found herself unable to push away as he wrapped his arms around her, even as the armrest of her chair pressed uncomfortably into her ribcage.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he said, reaching up to wipe a strand of hair away from her snotty nose.

Lovely.

“You told me the doctor said she was okay,” he continued. “Destiny’s calm now and she escaped even a minor concussion from falling on that floor. Everything is going to be fine.”

Karlin swallowed another sob. “Her head will be fine, but what if her mind isn’t?”

Axel seemed to consider his words carefully. “This is partly why I’m not in favor of people taking psychedelic drugs. But she’s already acting completely normal. You told me the doctor described it as a bad trip.”

“You don’t understand.”

Axel leaned down until his eyes met hers.

“So help me understand. You can trust me.”

She felt small and vulnerable as he searched her face, but she knew that he was right. She couldn’t deny the way he was breaking through the walls she’d built around herself, as much as she hated to let it be true.

“Destiny is schizophrenic. She told the doctors readily. Bajwa obviously knows about it. And he let her join this trial anyway.”

Axel’s eyes flashed with anger. “Even I can figure out that mixing psychosis with drug-induced hallucinations is a terrible idea. How could he allow this?”

“I have no idea, but I feel terrible for letting it happen.”

Karlin paused as a fresh wave of sobs threatened to break free. She allowed herself a moment to lean in closer to Axel, even as her snot and tears smeared onto his hoodie. The guilt was too much to handle on her own.

“Bajwa didn’t tell you. It’s not your fault,” Axel said firmly. “And tonight, you did the right thing. You got her help.”

“Barely,” she spat. “So much could have gone wrong.”

“But nothing did.”

“But it could have,” she argued, not caring how childish she sounded. “Let me guess, you’re going to tell me that God was in control the whole time, right?”

Her words came out way more harshly than she’d intended, but she couldn’t bring herself to apologize for saying them.

Axel shifted his weight, and she expected him to pull back from her, but he didn’t. He was quiet for several long seconds, holding her just as he had before. She could feel the thumping of his heart, and after a few seconds, she felt her anger dissipating.

“I’m sorry,” she said at last.

“I’m not,” he said. “I do think God was in control, and I think He’s in control right now. So, ha.”

He pulled away a little, enough for her to see the teasing grin had returned to his face.

“Fair enough,” she said, allowing a smile of her own. It felt good, even though her insides were still tangled up in knots. “I still find it hard to believe in any of that.”

“You’ve gone through hard times in your life,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Let me guess, you investigated me before you agreed to take this job? Dug into my past? Found out all of my dark secrets?”

She tried to match his light tone, but she knew her bitterness had come through. Every time she thought she might be able to trust somebody, they managed to prove to her why she couldn’t.

To her surprise, however, Axel shook his head.

“No, I didn’t. I mean, I called our police liaison, Allie, and had her run a criminal record check, but that was about it. I had no reason to pry too much further into your life.”

“Oh.”

“I assume you’ve been through hard times because, first of all, who hasn’t? And second of all, I mean, you make it pretty obvious that you’re dark and twisty.”

He grinned, and she scowled at him. “I am not dark and twisty .”

“So, tell me your secrets. Let me be the judge.”

Axel’s light tone made it clear that he was teasing.

She didn’t have to tell him anything. She could lock it all away just as she always had, and he wouldn’t hold it against her.

She knew that, and it was even more clear as she allowed herself a few seconds to get lost in the intensity of his eyes.

She drew a deep breath and leaned back in her chair, glancing around the waiting room, as though any of the other people waiting for their loved ones at four in the morning possibly cared about her messed-up life.

“Okay. I’ll tell you.”

“Would it help if I held your hand while you confess your dark secrets? Or I could let you use my shirt as a Kleenex again,” Axel suggested.

She shook her head.

“In that case, the linoleum floor is yours, madam,” he said, making a sweeping gesture.

She chose to grit her teeth and ignore his antics. The closer she got to telling her secrets, the more nervous she felt. She had to spit it out before she lost her nerve.

“I told you I have a brother, right?”

“Yep. John. Both of you guys are from Michigan, but he lives in Lubbock now.”

She nodded, impressed. Axel loved to joke around, but when it came to taking in important information, he clearly didn’t miss much.

“The truth is, our relationship is a lot more complicated than I let on. I worry about John constantly. I was upset about Destiny tonight, sure, but part of why it hit me so hard is because of the memories it brought back.”

“Is John schizophrenic?”

“No, but he has severe PTSD thanks to his time in combat. So does my dad, though his was from fighting in the Gulf War.”

“I fought in Afghanistan, too,” Axel said. “It’s tough. It really is hard to understand for most people who haven’t lived through it.”

He looked like he might say more, but he didn’t, so Karlin continued.

“Neither of us had a good relationship with my dad growing up. I mean, not my mom either, but my dad was worse. He didn’t hit us or anything, but he refused to deal with his trauma.

He was an alcoholic, my mom was depressed, and they both moved to Florida when John turned eighteen.

Left us with a paid off single-wide. Running away from their demons, I guess.

From the little I hear from relatives on Facebook, I think they’re doing a bit better, so that’s something. ”

She paused to take a breath. Now that she had opened the floodgates, it was difficult to stop talking. She hadn’t spoken about her family to anyone other than John for as long as she could remember–and even with him, she rarely brought up her parents.

“How old were you?” Axel asked, his brow furrowing in concern.

“Seventeen,” she said. “John and I are Irish twins. Technically, he’s the older one, but it didn’t make much of a difference when we were both so young to be on our own.

It was hard to get by, especially when we were both trying to finish high school.

I babysat and John mowed lawns, and we used the food bank a lot.

John joined the military the second he graduated.

I went to college close by to live as cheaply as possible, but after that, I had no reason to stay in Michigan, so I left, too. ”

“Not exactly what I pictured when you told me you lived at home during college,” Axel chimed in. “You really have been through a lot. You should be so proud of everything you’ve been able to accomplish. You’re…it’s amazing, Karlin.”

She smiled, but wouldn’t allow herself to thank him. She may have beat the odds that were stacked against her, but she didn’t like to dwell on it.

“That time in my life was really painful,” she conceded, “and just when I thought I had gotten past the worst of it, John was honorably discharged early from his military service. His PTSD was too severe for him to continue as a soldier. As it turns out, it was kind of too severe for him to function in civilian life, either. He spent years self-medicating, mostly with alcohol, but he uses other drugs, too. He’s been sober for five months now, and I’m so proud of him, but he still has a long road ahead.

He’s only able to work part-time, and he isn’t earning even close to enough money to pay for the help he needs. ”

She paused, debating whether or not to tell Axel the source of John’s–and therefore, her–biggest medical debt.

A part of her wanted to, but she knew that if she did, she’d start crying all over again, and that was not what she needed right now.

Not with Destiny in the hospital and a group of other patients back at the retreat site who still needed her.

“You’re helping him, aren’t you?” Axel asked, breaking the momentary silence. “I know how hard it is dealing with government services, even as a veteran. We’re promised the moon, but…”

She nodded. “It’s part of why I’ve stayed with Senera for as long as I have.

John is relying on me financially. The therapy, the meds, rent–some of it ends up being covered by his military benefits, but a lot of it doesn’t.

He’s been trying to get funding for a service dog to help with his PTSD, but the Veterans Freedom Society keeps denying his claim.

He feels guilty that I have to help him, but I’m all he has. ”

Axel was about to speak, but before he could, one of the doctors Karlin had met earlier stuck her head out of a doorway.

“Ms. McKenna? Mr. Bishop? Destiny wants to see you.”