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“I was fresh out of school, and when I got a junior researcher job with Senera, I thought I’d hit the jackpot. Brilliant scientists to mentor me, top of the line equipment, cutting-edge research–it was intoxicating.”

Axel didn’t say anything or ask for clarification. She paused to take a breath, wishing there were a way she could share the story without sounding like she was making excuses for the inexcusable. Then again, maybe that was exactly what she was doing.

“I noticed a few things that were ethically questionable about the way the company operated, but I’d seen enough even in grad school that I wasn’t naive. I knew that boundaries were pushed all the time, even in something as serious as medical research. So I just kept going.

“When I worked my way onto a team for an actual DX8 trial–it wasn’t called DX8 then–I was ecstatic.

This was the real thing. This was everything I wanted to do.

Keep in mind, Bajwa didn’t work here back then, so the day to day environment was a lot less stressful.

If I’m being honest, it was usually a lot of fun.

“They had me sign off directly on the patients that we accepted into the trial, including Amira. I had her medical history. I sat in on her interviews. I knew she had a history of major depression. I signed off on her anyway.

“During the trial, she had a severe panic attack, pretty similar to what you saw happen to Destiny. But we didn’t take her to the hospital. We managed to calm her down, and since it was the last dose of the trial, we didn’t bother formally releasing her, either. I honestly thought she seemed fine.”

She drew a deep breath, struggling to keep her voice even.

If there was a God, she hoped He could forgive her for what she was about to say. Even if Axel never would.

“Until the minute the last patient flew home, I felt like I was going to pass out from nerves, but nothing else happened. I thought I was in the clear. I thought that we’d gotten away with skirting the ethical boundaries. But we didn’t.”

Her voice broke.

“Not long after the trial, Amira committed suicide,” she finished in a whisper.

Axel pulled back just enough to look down at her face. The kindness in his eyes was too much to bear. She allowed herself to sob freely, once again pressing her face into his chest until his shirt was damp.

She didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want to breathe, didn’t want to do anything. Maybe he could feel empathy toward her for the moment, but when he had the time to really think about what she was saying, he’d want nothing to do with her.

She’d be lucky if he didn’t call the police, let alone stick around to help her with this investigation.

“It’s terrible what happened,” he said, lifting a hand and stroking her hair. “But I know you would never hurt anyone on purpose. You were under a ton of pressure.”

“Why should that matter? I still made choices. I should have said no the very first time that I was asked to fudge a test result or break labor laws or any of the other zillion things they told me to do. I was pathetic. I cared more about keeping a job that I liked than about Amira Gorsky’s life. I should have been stronger.”

To her surprise, her voice had come out angry, but the only person she was mad at was herself. She’d tried to suppress the self-loathing, tried to bury it, but it always came back.

Always.

And when she forgot about what she’d done for even a day, the universe always reminded her. Maybe everything she’d been through with John was some kind of Divine punishment.

“Your desire to take accountability is admirable,” Axel said.

“It’s easy to say that we should have been stronger in doing what’s right.

But you can’t expect a younger you to know what she didn’t know, or have strength that she didn’t have.

Other people made choices, too. People with a lot more power.

Don’t get so caught up in punishing yourself that you forget that. ”

She didn’t want to blame anyone else.

She didn’t want to open the door to making excuses for herself.

But on the other hand, she had to admit that he had a point.

There was no way that she could change the past. Some logical part of her brain could still realize that hating herself certainly wouldn’t bring Amira Gorsky back from the dead.

There was only one way she could move now, and that was forward.

“Look at you today,” he added. “You’re risking everything to bring Senera to justice.

You’re in your crazy boss’s office, with some weird guy from across the state that you managed to hire without spending a dime.

You’re smart, resourceful, and determined.

You see an injustice, and nothing will stop you from making it right.

I see so much strength in you. I hope you know that. ”

She didn’t say anything for a long time.

Despite her cynicism, despite her fear, she could feel the weight that was crushing her getting a little bit lighter with every word that Axel said.

Because maybe, somehow, by some miracle, she was wrong about him.

Maybe he really did practice the forgiveness that she’d heard so many Christians in her life preach about. Maybe he could still wake up tomorrow and look at her the same way he had since they’d met.

She had to know. She had to hear him say it.

“Axel?”

“Mmm-hmm?” he mumbled, pressing his face into her hair and kissing the top of her head.

She took a deep breath, gathering all of her courage.

“Can you forgive me for what I did?”

“I already have,” he said, without missing a beat.

“Thank you–”

“But it’s not my forgiveness that you’re looking for,” he added.

“In the Psalms, it says that God casts our sins away as far as the east is from the west. He’s the only one who can free you from the darkness you’ve been carrying.

He’s waiting for you. He loves you, and He wants to forgive you abundantly. ”

“I’ll have to think about that.”

“I would hope so,” he joked, giving her another kiss on the head and pulling her closer.

She let herself lay back against his chest.

Despite the new uncertainties and hopes at war within her, she couldn’t help but to soak in just a little of this present joy.

This, right here, with his arms around her–this felt like something close to heaven on earth.

But the moment didn’t last.

They both leapt to their feet as they heard the sound of keys turning in the external office door.