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forty-one

Lane

Today fucking sucks.

Every year, I hope it will get easier, and every year, I’m disappointed to feel just as broken as the years prior.

It’s been four years, but it still feels like it happened yesterday.

It was a lot harder when Sage was still a newborn. All of my friends came over that day to help, and I don’t think I would have made it through without them.

Since then, they leave me be. Sage gets unlimited screen time so I can cope, and everything will be normal again in a few days.

I’m staring ahead blankly while she sits next to me on the sofa, watching the Heeler family and their current shenanigans. Right now, they’re gathered around the table, pretending they’re in court.

I guess you’re never too young to learn about the legal system.

I’m wallowing in my miserable thoughts when I hear the elevator doors open. Confused, I look over to see who’s dropping by unannounced and find Olive stepping inside.

Oh shit.

I forgot to tell her we weren’t coming today.

I stand up quietly, careful not to disturb Sage so I have a chance to talk to Liv alone.

I meet her in the kitchen, and I can see how concerned she is.

“I’m so sorry, Liv. I forgot to—”

Olive cuts me off by resting her palm against my cheek, and her touch helps ground my raging mind. “It’s okay, Lane. I know what today is.”

“You… do?”

She gives me a solemn smile. “Your grandparents died in early February. I think it’s safe to assume today would be the anniversary of your grandfather’s death.”

I let out a breath and look to the ground. “Yeah… Thursday is my grandmother’s.”

“I’m sure this is hard for you. Don’t feel bad about forgetting to let me know you weren’t going to be at the studio today.”

“You don’t have to be here,” I sigh. “This is just going to be a den of sadness for the next few days.”

“Lane,” she says, tipping my face up to meet my gaze, and I know she can read every emotion I’m feeling right now. “I’m here because I want to be here. You don’t have to do this alone.”

I close my eyes and try to steady myself, afraid I’ll break down if I don’t. “Thank you, Olive. How did you get up here, though?”

She gives me a shy smile. “I might have borrowed Rory’s elevator key.”

I can’t stop the laugh that escapes me at her determination to be here. “Thank you, Ballerina. I usually prefer to be alone for this, but I’m really happy you’re here.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Hotshot,” she assures me. “I’m here to help take care of you and Sage. So, you just relax and let me help.”

Olive gives me a soft kiss before heading out to the living room. “Hi, Sage.”

“Owive!” my daughter shrieks, excitedly jumping on the sofa.

“Wanna hang out with me today, sweet girl? I was thinking we could start with a tea party!”

“Yes, yes, yes!” Sage chants as Liv scoops her up and starts toward the hallway.

And I just watch as they go.

I’ve always wanted to do this alone.

I’ve never wanted anyone to see me so down.

I’m the guy that’s never serious. The one that can make a joke out of everything. The one that’s always down for a good time.

I know my friends have seen me like this before, but not letting them see me like this now lets me pretend that I’m still that guy.

But I’m not.

My grandparents’ deaths broke me, and I was only reset when I found out about my daughter.

I still try to not be too serious, to make jokes, to have fun, but deep down, that’s not all I am.

I’m a dad who still struggles sometimes with feelings of inadequacy.

I’m a professional baseball player who still has to fight his demons.

I’m that five-year-old boy wondering what my grandparents meant when they told me my parents wouldn’t be coming home.

I’ve come a long way, but I’ll never be perfect.

I’ll just keep fighting through the darkness to get to the next better day.

And since I met Olive, I’ve had a lot more better days.

“Do you want a drink, Lane?” Olive asks as she throws our takeout containers away.

She’s been an absolute godsend today. She spent so much time with Sage, letting her have fun instead of just sitting in front of the TV while I wallow.

Later, she had Rory and Cole come pick my daughter up so they could watch her for a couple of days, letting me relax and cope without having to stress over being a dad while I did.

Olive just came over, took charge, and made one of the worst days of the year so much more bearable.

“Whiskey,” I state, finally answering her question. “Two fingers.”

“Breaking out the heavy stuff tonight,” she teases, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yeah,” I reply, pushing my hands into the pockets of my joggers. “I could use something strong right now.”

Liv grabs the decanter of whiskey and pours my glass before handing it to me and grabbing her own glass of wine. We both walk to the living room and take seats next to each other on the sofa.

“I hope I’ve helped make today easier for you.”

I take a long sip of my whiskey before setting the glass down on the coffee table. “Just seeing your face made it easier,” I say, forcing a small smile. “You being here means everything to me, Liv. I really hope you know that.”

“I know what it’s like to be lost in the darkness,” she says softly. “It can feel suffocating, especially when you’re navigating it on your own.”

“Yeah… it’s so fucking hard.” I rest my head on the back of the sofa and close my eyes. “I really fucking miss them, Liv. They raised me. I still feel so lost sometimes.”

Olive sets her glass of wine on the coffee table and cuddles up next to me, resting her head on my shoulder. “It’s okay to feel that way. I can’t say I understand what you’re going through, but I can say that I understand how you feel.”

“I’m sorry that you still feel lost sometimes,” I say, resting my forehead against hers.

She looks at me, and I catch her eyes, my favorite shade of green glimmering with affection. “I don’t feel so lost anymore, Lane. Not since I met you.”

“Meeting you was the second best thing that’s ever happened to me, Olive. I’m fucking crazy about you.”

“The feeling is mutual,” she breathes.

“Thank you for being here.”

“There isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be.”

I let myself indulge, just for a moment. I wrap my arms around her and pull her closer, kissing her tenderly and just enjoying her presence.

When I woke up this morning, I was dreading having to face the day.

But I get to end it with the woman of my fucking dreams in my arms, and I’ll get to drift off to sleep with her beside me.

Today sucks, but it sucks a little less with Olive here.