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forty

Olive

“I am courageous. I am loved. I am not my trauma.”

Corinne smiles at me and sets her clipboard down. “In the more than five years you’ve been seeing me, Olive, that’s the most optimistic you’ve ever sounded.”

I can’t help but smile. “Everything has been going really well lately. My life has been so much fun.”

“Have you been seeing your friends?”

“Yeah,” I answer, pulling my ponytail over my shoulder. “We had a girl’s night recently, and it was a lot of fun. I actually told them about… him… and what I’ve been through.”

“And how did they react?” she asks, adjusting her glasses.

I chuckle as I think back. “Harlow was ready to grab the pitchforks. Lucia was raging. And Ella and Rory were pissed. They were all really supportive.”

Corinne’s features soften. “It’s wonderful that you felt comfortable enough with them to open up, Olive.”

“It felt really nice to get it off my chest,” I admit. “I don’t think I realized how much it was still weighing me down.”

“You’re doing so well. Has anything interesting happened lately? Are you still seeing Lane?”

I bite my bottom lip. “Yeah, we’re still seeing each other, but we still haven’t given ourselves a label. He’s, uh… teaching me about intimacy, though.”

“Teaching you?” She raises her eyebrow questioningly.

“Yeah,” I reply, fidgeting with my hands. “I don’t want to be scared of sex, and I know I need to work my way up slowly. Since I don’t know what I’m doing, I asked Lane to help me learn. He’s actually the one who taught me how to get myself off.”

“So, he’s helping you have orgasms.”

“Yes,” I say with a breathy laugh. “He taught me what to do first, but I eventually asked him to do it. Recently, I had him teach me what he likes, too. But we’re still taking it step by step. He hasn’t seen more than my chest since I’ve only taken my top off so far.”

“It’s good to see you gaining confidence in your sexuality,” Corinne smiles.

“I don’t want to be afraid of sex forever. What happened to me was traumatic, but I don’t want it to define me. And I’m also really attracted to Lane.”

“So why haven’t you put a label on your relationship then?”

I take a deep breath and think it over. “I think I’m just scared,” I admit. “Like if we don’t say we’re together, it’ll…” I trail off before picking back up, lowering my voice. “It’ll hurt less if he decides my baggage is too much and walks away.”

“There it is,” she replies, jotting something down on her clipboard. “Olive, if you want my honest opinion, you’re going to be hurt either way. You aren’t saying you’re together, but you have to admit that you already are. You just haven’t made it official.”

“I know,” I whisper. “I’ve been getting better and gaining confidence, but there’s always that doubt niggling at the back of my mind. He doesn’t seem like the type to leave, and I hate to compare him to Jake, but I didn’t think he’d be the type to do what he did either.”

“You can’t live your life in fear, Olive. Yes, sometimes we get hurt when we allow ourselves to fully indulge in a relationship. But we’ll also end up hurt if we’re indulging in something we decide we won’t call a relationship.”

“And I’m already indulging, aren’t I?”

“Yes,” Corinne states. “And I don’t think that’s a bad thing, but you’re partaking in sexual activities for the first time in your life.

You’re indulging in your situationship with Lane, and based on the way you describe him, I don’t think you’d be the only one hurt if you don’t define this relationship. ”

I allow myself to mull the words over.

Corinne is right. It doesn’t matter if we haven’t officially defined what we are. If Lane left right now, I’d be absolutely devastated.

I haven’t admitted it to myself yet, but I’m falling for him.

Hell, I might have already fallen for him.

Maybe it’s time to make this the real thing.

Hopefully, I can talk to him about that after Sage’s lesson tomorrow.

“Hey, Mom,” I say happily as I walk into her office.

“Liv!” she chimes, a bright smile on her face. “Doesn’t your lesson start soon?”

“I still have a little bit,” I reply, pushing myself up to sit on her desktop. “Lane and Sage should be here soon, though.”

“I like Lane,” my mom replies with a knowing smirk.

I can’t fight the blush on my cheeks. “Yeah, I like him, too.”

She chuckles. “I don’t like him the same way you do, sweetie.”

That pulls a genuine laugh from me. “No, I suppose you don’t.” I look at her more nervously now. “You don’t think he’s too much older than me?”

“No,” she shrugs. “Lane seems like a good man, and I can see how happy you are around him.”

“Yeah. It kind of scares me how much I like him, Mom.”

She puts her hand on top of mine and squeezes. “Love can be scary, Olive. But it can also make you feel whole.”

“I don’t love him,” I say quickly. “I haven’t even known him for three months.”

“Well, he’s falling in love with you,” my mom chuckles, and I snap my head back in her direction.

“What? Did he tell you that?”

“All he told me was that he likes you. But that’s not the way he looks at you.”

“What does that mean?” I ask, breathless.

“He looks at you the way Harvey looks at Michelle, the way Violet looks at Luna, the way your father looks at me. He might not be in love with you yet, but he’s getting there.”

“Oh,” I reply, trying to bite down my smile.

“You need to put that boy out of his misery and give him a label, Liv,” she laughs. “He’s not going anywhere.”

I look down at my feet nervously. “I’m going to try to talk to him today.” Saying that reminds me that I need to check the time, so I check the clock on the wall. “Oh shoot!” I say, jumping to my feet. “I’m five minutes late!”

I sprint from the office to the sounds of my mother laughing behind me.

I’m out of breath by the time I get to the room, and I’m surprised when I walk in since the lights are still off. I flip the switch and take a look around. As expected, the room is empty.

I walk out to the lobby, and when I don’t find them there, I head back down to my mother’s office.

“Hey,” I say, stepping back inside as she looks up at me in surprise. “Did Lane mention anything about being late today?”

“No, I haven’t heard anything. Are they not here?”

“No, the room is empty, and they aren’t in the lobby.

” I grab my bag from the chair I set it on this morning and grab my phone.

“No messages or missed calls either.” I dial Lane quickly, listening to the phone ring before it goes to voicemail.

“He didn't answer. I’m going to see if Rory’s heard from him. ”

I step out of the room again, listening to the phone ring and hoping Rory knows something.

“Hey, Liv!” she says cheerily. “Aren’t you working right now?”

“I should be, and that’s why I’m calling. Lane and Sage aren’t here, and they’re always early. Did he tell you anything?”

“No, he hasn’t said anything to me. If he had something to do, he would’ve just asked me to bring her today.” I hear her stick her hand over the phone mic. “Cole, has Lane said anything to you? Liv’s on the phone because he and Sage didn’t show up today.”

I hear Cole’s voice reply, but the sound is muffled, so I can’t figure out what he’s saying. But I do hear Rory gasp before she turns her attention back to me. “I didn’t realize what day it was. He’s not going to come in today, Liv. I guarantee he’s still at home.”

“Oh,” I reply, not really sure what else to say. I have no idea what’s so significant about today. It’s early Feb—

Oh.

I do know what’s significant to him right now.

“Thanks, Rory. I appreciate the help. I’m going to go over.”

“Let me know if you need anything, Olive. Cole and I will be here.”

I quickly hang up. I run back into my mom’s office, tell her I’m leaving, grab my bag, and then I’m running to SoHo.