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Chapter Thirty-Six

Roan

I t was all my fault. I hadn’t meant to lead them to the island, but my intentions didn’t matter. There they were.

And there was Fenli.

That wasn’t even the worst of it. As Baer and Thaas ran their canoe up along the shore and Baer started his tirade, ripping into me for having left, having had them all out searching for me for days, Thaas saw it.

Tracks. Wolf tracks, there in the mud, lit up by the light of the moon.

Unmistakable. And I watched as the hunter sparked to life in him.

I’d ruined everything .

Fenli stood in the rain, eyes unfocused, stone still. Baer scolded me more. That was how the truth came out, and I realized all my stupid mistakes.

Fenli had stolen a dead man’s canoe, and no one had noticed.

I’d stolen the canoe of a fisherman, which was how they knew to look to the water in their search.

She’d stuck to building small fires to cook on.

I’d insisted on building big fires because I knew she liked to be warm, sending plumes of smoke into the sky and not thinking twice about it.

She’d hid her canoe under the cover of ferns.

I’d headed after her in a rush, leaving mine visible to all .

“And you,” Baer said, turning his gaze to her when he’d had enough of me. I was ready to defend her, to force his attention back, but that didn’t happen. He said, “Runehall’s are in the village. They arrived yesterday, and you’ve caused a world of grief being gone.”

I heard the words but didn’t want to believe them. “ Runehall’s? ”

Baer nodded, and Fen squeezed her eyes shut.

“Well, we shouldn’t bring her back. We should hide her. Keep her here.”

“No,” Baer said, his voice like thunder. “The clans are upset. Our relationship with that clan is the worst it’s been in my time and my father’s time before me. We face this head on. We resolve the issue for the good of the clans.”

“That’s bullshit,” I said, and I was opening my mouth to say a lot more when Fen broke from my line of vision. I watched as she walked to the ferns and hauled her canoe out, dragging it down to the water’s edge.

I glared at Baer, daring him to follow, then went to join her. For a moment, my attention caught on a large cedar nearby, words etched into its side, but I looked away. Drawing up by her side, I spoke in a hush.

“What are you doing?”

“He saw,” she whispered. “The one who already doesn’t like me. Thaas. He saw the wolf tracks.”

I looked back at Thaas.

“What makes you think he doesn’t like you?” My voice was calm, but my blood was thrumming. If he’d done one thing to—

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You look like it matters.”

“For Toke’s sake, Roan,” she hissed, “I said it doesn’t matter!” She wrung out her fingers. “What am I going to do about the wolves? ”

“We’ll figure something out.”

But she was shaking her head before I’d even finished the line.

“There’s nothing. We’ve led the hunters right to them.”

And I wanted to tell her it would be okay and that the wolves would be safe.

But I’d never been a good liar.

It was nearing dawn when we arrived in the village. Baer left for the meeting house to call together a quick assembly, and I wasn’t sure what had become of Thaas. Fenli paced on the outskirts of the village, not even wanting to go back to our hut.

It was like she’d been in the woods for too long.

One look at her face, and I could see that I was losing her. Her expression reminded me of a cornered she-wolf’s, ready to fight, and—when the chance came—flee. I knew I might not find her next time.

“Fen,” I said, drawing her gaze. “We’ll work it out.”

She turned her back on me, walking away to put distance between us.

“Fen—”

“This is hopeless.” She swung around, and her eyes were wild. “Don’t tell me it’s not.”

“Hopeless?” I’d never agree to a word like that. It was so wholly far from the truth. She belonged here, but the hardest part wasn’t going to be convincing the clan—it was going to be convincing her. “Slow down. You need sleep, both of us do, and all of this won’t look as bad once we’re rested.”

But she wasn’t hearing me. “I have to join the North Clan. I should have done it already. I—I was stupid.”

“But what about—”

“Roan, Runehall’s people are here now, making demands. My enemies among Toke’s children are bolder than ever. Everything is falling apart.”

“Running away won’t solve any of that.”

“Why is it so hard for you to understand that I don’t want to live in a place where I’m neither wanted nor respected?”

I hardened. I wanted to argue, tell her she was wanted, was respected, but I held my tongue. I understood what she meant. A person needed more than what Toke’s people had afforded her. She deserved better. Who was I to deny her that?

“I’ll come with you,” I said, barely considering the words before they were out. I’ll come with you . I knew without a doubt that I’d meant each one. I’d go with her without question. I could never regret that choice.

But she flinched at my words like they caused her pain. Her brows pinched in together, and she swallowed.

“You belong here,” she said. “You need to stay.”

And it made my anger burn to hear her say it. I moved to her, trying to close the distance she’d put between us. “Don’t tell me where I belong and not give me a say in it.”

“Roan, this is your clan. You fit in here, and they love you. You can’t just give that up.”

“And what about you?”

“I’ve never belonged here. ”

“That’s not true!”

“It is true, and everyone knows it but you!”

“Oh, since when do you give a damn what those people think, huh?” I gestured to the meeting house. “You want to know what I think?”

She shook her head, and I took another step closer, close enough to touch.

“I think I love you, Fenli Wyn Faasval. And I think I’d follow you anywhere, if you’d let me.”

“Shut up,” she whispered. “You can have your choice of women now. You’re not tied to me anymore.”

I blinked at her. “You think I don’t want you.”

“Of course you don’t! I practically threw myself at your feet, and you had the sense to stop me. Go find Runa and let me go.”

“Runa again. What is it with you and Runa?”

“Rahv told me. And she’s beautiful—sweet as a lamb, long hair.”

She bit her lip and looked down at her feet.

I was shocked. Sweet as a lamb. Long hair . That was what she thought I wanted?

“You’re not mute,” I told her, “but you’re blind as hell.”

I closed the distance between us, forcing her eyes to look at mine.

“Runa wouldn’t give me the time of day because she knows what a waste it would be. Rahv is mistaken.”

But she didn’t look like she believed me. Somehow, I needed to make her believe.

“I never got to come back to the village like the others, so my friends would bring me back stories about you. Ever since I was ten, I would wait for those stories. They all knew I wanted them. They’d watch you on their trips back and find things to report to me. ”

She blinked up in surprise.

“I heard about when you started caring for the birds, and when you and Esska started spending more time together, and when your curves came in.”

Her jaw unhinged.

“Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that one.

The point is, I’ve been eating up stories about you for the past ten years.

Baer, of course, came back grumbling more and more.

Then there was this one day. It was the middle of summer, and it was hot as hell out.

I remember because we were inland and wishing we could swing out towards the coast. Baer and his men came back from a trip home, and the old man was furious.

He stalked up to me and told me I was in over my head with you.

I’d never seen him so mad. The guys came in behind him and told me the story, that he’d been bossing you around the entire visit and was never happy enough with your work.

They said that you and Baer made silent battle just with the looks you’d give each other.

Then, one night, Baer was at the fire going on about Elsynbr’s clan and how he hated the short hair their women sometimes wore.

You left the fire and came back a little while later,” I ran my fingers up the back of her neck and over her scalp, “with your hair like this.”

She shivered.

“I’ve never known anyone to stand up to Baer like that, Fen, and if you think I’d take long hair over your short curls,” my fingertips pressed harder, “gods, you’re wrong.

” I swallowed. “The only thing I want more than being tied to you is for you to want me as well. Stopping us earlier was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

And I only did it because I hate the idea of you not getting to choose what you want.

I’ve made my choice. It’s you. It will be you every day of my life, no matter what happens. But I won’t trap you.”

For one hopeful moment, I thought she was going to kiss me. It was right there in her eyes. But then it dissolved. I watched as her exterior hardened.

“You told me to put my ribbons back on,” I said. “Tell me you meant it.”

She shook her head.

Louder I said, “You told me I wouldn’t be rid of you.”

Her jaw clenched, and her eyes lost focus.

“Fen,” I whispered. “Say something.”

But she said nothing.

“Don’t sink into that forest and never let me find you again.”

But she turned and left me where I stood.