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Chapter Seventeen

Fenli

I didn’t speak a single word to Roan for the next three days, not even when I found an honest to gods mattress where my bedroll had been. It frustrated him to no end, but I was proud of myself, up until the moment it all came back to bite me in the ass.

Baer had caught wind of our issues and made it his place to get involved.

He was sending Roan and me on a trip together.

We’d been instructed to paddle down the Crow Wing River to where it met the North Channel.

From there, we were to take the channel west towards the ocean, looking for favorable inlets where our clan could build a variety of ships.

The inlet needed to be protected from the hard north winds, have easy access to preferred woods, and be large enough and deep enough for the vessels to maneuver and exit once completed.

It was the kind of trip that would take up one whole day, at least, as well as require a good deal of communication between us.

And I hated Baer for it. Surely, he had men better suited to the job than the pair of us. The more I thought about it, the more I was sure he didn’t give a shite about our findings. He just wanted to get us in a canoe together, and this was the excuse. He’d have the real scouts out later .

We walked through the woods for miles as we headed to the river, and we walked each mile in silence.

Roan had one of his larger knives strapped to his back, and I kept my attention on it, thinking.

It was no wonder Esska had been so quick to swipe one when the opportunity arose.

A useful blade was a far cry from the stubby things they gave us girls, helpful only for cutting foraged goods, herbs in the garden, bits of thread or, in my case, chunks of hair.

Ess had been right to steal that knife, I decided.

Then my thoughts turned to the battle sword on the table, the one Roan had made for me and I’d refused.

No matter how many times I turned it around in my head, I couldn’t imagine why he’d done it.

Battle swords were an honor for the men.

Part of me thought it was a joke, and another part thought it was a ploy to make me feel indebted to him.

Either way, I didn’t like it. It was still there where he left it, waiting for me to pick it up.

I’d only caught small glimpses of it before forcing my eyes away.

I’d rather steal something out of the supply hut.

When we’d made it to the river, Roan brought us to a small covering made for the storing of canoes and oars.

It was just like the one I ventured to each time I snuck out to see the wolves, and it reminded me I was missing my outing today.

Roan chose a canoe suited to the two of us, and together we carried it down to the water’s edge.

“I’ll take the rear,” he said, gesturing for me to get in first.

I already had hold of the front, so I guided it into the water’s edge and climbed in, taking up my oar.

He pushed it out a bit further, took his blade off his back and tossed it in, then climbed in himself.

We wobbled back and forth until we found our balance and were off, heading towards the channel, the village at our backs .

I smiled. I couldn’t help it. I loved canoeing, and it always felt good to be on the water, even if I had to share a vessel with a husband. Besides, I was in the front. As much as I could, I was going to pretend that the wolf-killing man-boy I was shackled with wasn’t there.

As soon as I’d settled on the idea, he spoke up, ruining the effect.

“You hungry?”

I swung around to look at him.

“We just ate. Before hiking out here.”

“I know.” He drew his shoulders up defensively. “It was a long hike.”

“And I saw you eat the better half of a loaf of bread on that hike.”

“I eat a lot!”

“I noticed!”

Somehow, we were fighting, and about nothing worth fighting over. So, he ate a lot. I didn’t care about that, not really. He was obviously big and manly and consumed food like a bonfire. That’s how they all were.

I was mad about other things, and the truth of it brought me shame.

I was always mad about other things. There was no end to my ire.

It fed me and fueled me, kept me going, but if I was being honest with myself—sometimes I tired of it.

Sometimes, my own rage annoyed me. I wished I could put my anger down now and again, but the thought scared me.

Would I become complacent? Would I cave to their wants and forget my own, become the wife they wanted me to be and take a nice job doing sensible work?

I didn’t know, but I didn’t want to risk it.

I went back to rowing. My husband, thank Toke, kept his mouth shut while we traveled the river and navigated our way out onto the channel.

I got into the rhythm of my paddling along to the channel’s pull, which was stronger and steadier than the river’s had been, and once again tried to imagine myself alone.

It was a long time before we came across the first inlet. It was too small, and we didn’t even exchange a word of discussion about it. The next inlet was better, and we paddled into it for a better look, but soon we were paddling right back out. It wasn’t big enough.

That’s how it went for what felt like a few hours while the big channel twisted and turned back on itself like a snake.

My stomach was growling with hunger, and I considered the best way to ask for the food in Roan’s pack without bringing up the memories of our latest fight.

There was no way, of course, and I relented.

“Throw me some food, will you?” I said, putting my oar down along the bottom of the canoe.

Roan did not let the moment pass easily.

“Ah, the higher being deigns to eat,” he said, tossing his oar down as well and reaching for his pack. I ignored him and wondered if he’d been just about writhing in hunger, waiting for me to ask. I supposed that made me a bitch.

He handed up a small loaf of bread and a wrapped cloth containing dried venison and fruits. I ate, content as we floated. By the time I was done, I had to pee like a moose.

“Let me off, will you?” I said, gesturing to the shore and lifting my oar.

He looked confused.

“I have to pee .”

That got him moving. He grabbed his oar as well and steered us over. I hopped out when the bottom started to drag and pulled the canoe into the grassy shoreline. Then I headed off towards the trees.

Roan sounded nervous when he called out, “Don’t go too—”

“Far!” I said, cutting him off.

When I got back, his arms were crossed over his chest.

“Is that why you’re so mad at me?” he asked, a crease between his brows. “Because of what I said to Esska and Indi?”

I wracked my mind. I had no idea what he’d said to the two of them, and unease fingered its way up my spine.

“What did you say to Esska and Indi?”

He hesitated. “That’s not why you’re mad?”

“What did y-you say to them?”

“Look, it doesn’t matter. But you’ve been furious with me for days, and I can’t figure out why. I thought things were getting better and then—”

“What did you say to Esska and Indi?” I said again, forcefully this time.

He blew out a breath of air and looked off into the forest.

“I told them to stop interrupting you all the time.”

“What?”

He looked back at me. “They both interrupt you a lot, finish your sentences for you, things like that. I told them they should be patient. Give you the room to speak for yourself, that’s all.”

My face went flush with heat. I was horrified and embarrassed. The next thing I knew, I was close to bursting into tears—too close—and I turned away from him, marching myself in among the trees.

He called after me, but I didn’t listen. He’d talked to them about me? I found my anger and latched onto it. If I stayed angry, I wouldn’t cry. I could rage and spit and stomp, which was infinitely better than falling into a puddle of tears in front of Roan .

He followed me. I wasn’t going anywhere except for away from him, but he followed relentlessly, not letting me gain an inch.

“Leave me alone,” I said, pushing a branch aside and letting it snap back at him.

That gave me an inch.

“Well, you can’t just go marching into the woods alone.”

“Watch me.”

“Fenli, you shouldn’t head off by yourself,” he said, taking up his familiar tune. “The two of us are supposed to stick together. Let’s just talk about this.”

“I’d sooner join—sooner join the Godless.”

“That would be just like you. Running away instead of facing—”

“Shut up.”

“—your problems. If we could just work things out together and—”

I stopped and swung back around, so quick he nearly ran into me.

“Leave me alone, you boar-headed, reeking, ball-sack of a husband I never wanted!”

There were a few moments of stillness between us, our eyes fixed on each other’s while the words hung in the air. Then he straightened.

“Honesty suits you.”

I was a heartbeat away from offending him further when something moved in the side of my vision, and I startled.

Looking past a group of fallen trees, I could just make out a bear cub, watching us through the branches.

He was small and golden-brown, and I let out a breath, thanking Toke it was just a babe.

But I’d thanked my god too quickly .

There was a deep huffing sound coming from my right, and I knew what I’d done before I’d even turned my head: I’d led us right between a mama bear and her cub.