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Chapter Ten

Roan

I ’d taken everything from her, and I felt like the biggest ass in the world. The home she’d carved out a place for herself in? Gone and replaced with a hut that felt shamefully mine.

It’s what I was thinking as I knelt before my sizable bed in the loft while she slept on the floor in front of the fire she’d made.

How the tides change.

It was almost humorous except for the part where it wasn’t at all and I was miserable.

I dragged a hand down my face, tired of wrestling with my thoughts.

I had not laid on a mattress since I was a boy in my mother’s hut, before I’d been married and before Baer had separated me from everything I’d ever known.

It had been tents and bedrolls for ten long years.

When others had gone back and enjoyed village life, I’d stayed in the Hinterlands with the few who were keeping the camp.

When it had come time to build my own hut and move in a mattress, I’d refrained from even trying it out.

It was stupid, I knew, but I was a stupid and superstitious ass.

Wasn’t that what Fenli had said? She’d been right.

I just had this idea in my head that laying on it for the first time together and having good sleep (along with, I don’t know, possibly more?) would bring good luck. Good luck for me, good luck for her. Good luck for our time together.

I groaned too loudly, winced when I heard the dog huff from below, then grabbed a blanket right off the bed. After wrapping myself in it, I hit the floor, curling up next to the mattress but not on it.

Toke above, I hated being a stupid, superstitious ass.

But I didn’t know how to be anything else.

I woke the next morning when the early shreds of light were just starting to filter in through the cracks between the shutters, untangling myself from my blanket on the floor and hauling myself into a sitting position.

My shoulder was aching, and my neck was tight.

I rolled and stretched them both while blinking sleep from my vision, first leaning against the mattress, then thinking better of it and scooting away.

I needed to get out of this hut.

Goose perked up from his spot curled up against Fenli, watching me as I descended the ladder’s rungs. I could tell he was warming up to me, and I was unworried as my feet met the floor.

Then his tail wagged, and I stopped cold. He froze as well, watching me with bright eyes.

Did he want to play?

I made a quick jerk, and he mirrored it. When I went still, so did he, only his tail swinging back and forth .

An opportunity was presenting itself, I realized.

The dog seemed willing to let me into the little pack he and Fenli had created, and I could take him up on it right here and now.

And the best part? There was nothing Fenli could do about it.

She could not glare or berate me until after her dog was eating out of the palm of my hand, and then it would be too late.

I smiled, then bolted for the table.

The dog exploded in a frenzy of barking, scrambling after me like the hunt was on.

I swung around to stand my ground—“Come on, you beast!”—and laughed when he launched himself at me with all he had.

I just got hold of the scruff of his neck, slowing his momentum and pushing him from side to side while he growled like a lunatic, his mouth open in threat, his tail wagging like a pup’s.

The dog scrambled back, knowing he’d been had, when I glanced up and caught Fenli’s gaze.

She’d sat up and was looking on in horror, like her heart was in her throat, like maybe I was really going to hurt her dog. Only I’d been smiling, laughing even, and when that registered across her face—she looked lost.

I hesitated, just for a moment, looking her in the eyes and feeling everything that was swirling behind her stare.

Then the mutt surprised me, launching himself at me once more and this time sending me back into the wall.

I laughed.

“That’s it.” I put a hand on either side of his face, twining my fingers in his fur, and shook his head from side to side. He wiggled loose and scampered back. “Is that all you got? ”

Then we collided again, a quick tussle, and Goose broke off, turning and racing around the table with me in hot pursuit.

When we were both on either side, staring and panting, the tides turned.

He was suddenly desperate to catch me while I made a valiant effort to keep the distance in between us.

He raced around the table to the left, and I didn’t let him gain on me.

When he swung to the right, so did I. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing while he barked his frustrations from across the furniture.

“You’re about as smart as you lo—”

Goose leaped up onto the table’s unfinished top and jumped for me, landing in my arms and mock biting my cheeks, which deteriorated into fierce licks.

“What a beast,” I said, rocking him in my arms like a babe.

When I looked back at Fenli, I saw a different face meeting mine from across the room. She’d put aside her fear, her surprise, and her woe. Now she was just plain pissed.

I couldn’t help it. I smiled at her.

For the next few days, I couldn’t get Fenli from my mind.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she was furious with me, and I didn’t like it when I wasn’t on good terms with people.

Or maybe it was just that she’d been avoiding me and ignoring me with such fortitude that it was doing a number on my brain.

Whatever it was, when the day’s work was done and the smells of the night meal were just starting to creep from the kitchens, I went looking for her, hoping to make amends, to try and convince her to let me start over.

Only I couldn’t find her anywhere. Not in the hut (where Goose had been tucked away) or by the cliffs. Not by the barns or at Indi’s or in the gathering house. When I’d run out of ideas, I headed to my family’s hut, hoping she was there with Esska. Instead, I found my sister alone.

She paled when I told her of my search.

“She’s still not back?”

I frowned. “Back from where?”

Esska’s eyes shifted around the room, not keen to meet mine.

“Ess. Where did she go?”

She gave me an untrusting sort of look, the kind that made me think she was judging me (and finding me lacking) before she rose to her feet and grabbed her cloak.

“She’s gonna kill me,” she said. “Come on. Back to your place.”

I followed her. Whatever was going on, it was obviously trouble. Guilt was etched all over my sister’s face, but there was a hefty portion of defiance there as well. They were up to no good, these two. And they didn’t give a damn either.

It made me nervous.

We wove between huts. The sun was dropping fast, the shadows stretching across the ground, and it wouldn’t be long before all color faded and a thick black descended.

When we reached my hut, we slipped inside quickly.

Goose greeted us, his tail thumping into the side of a chair, and the lack of fire in the fireplace made the space feel immediately void of Fenli.

She still wasn’t back .

“Shit,” I heard Esska mumble as my own heart picked up a faster rhythm. She stood in the middle of the space, her hands on her hips as she looked back towards the too-cold hearth.

“Tell me where she is.”

She swung back to face me, her arms crossing in front of her, and she leveled me with the same damn look Baer gave me when he was full of threats. Of all the things for her to have inherited from that man, really?

“You will not rat her out,” she said, telling me rather than asking. “Promise.”

I hesitated. What the hell could Fenli be doing that would—

And then it came to me. I had seen little of her the past few days. She was never around, and she hated me. She resented our marriage. Now Ess was covering for her like it was important she not be caught.

Fenli must have found someone. She had a secret lover, and they’d snuck away.

The blow felt physical, hitting me so hard in the chest I winced. I knew our marriage was shite, but… an affair? Gods above, that hurt.

“Is she—?” I started, but I found I couldn’t finish the sentence. Not yet. I took a breath and tried to train my face back to something indifferent.

I was humiliated. The only thing that could make it any worse would be to show it, but how could I not?

I straightened and turned to the side, tight-jawed.

Esska misread my pause.

“No, I mean it,” she said. “You can’t tell. Baer would feed her to the wolves if he knew, and she doesn’t deserve that. ”

I nodded, unable to do anything else. I had to agree with Esska, though I hated to do it. Fenli had never asked to be stuck with me. If she’d found someone she truly cared for, how could I blame her?

I swallowed and tried to gather myself.

“I know,” I said, my voice too rough. I tried to soften it, to act casual. “I know, Esska. It’s fine. You have my word.”

The door opened then, and Fenli all but tumbled in.

When she saw us standing there, our attention fully turned to her, she froze.

Her eyes flicked back and forth between us—her cheeks flushed pink and her hair a wind-blown tangle—and I looked down at the floor.

It hurt to see her like that, wild and entirely too beautiful.

She’d hate me for thinking it. I hated me for thinking it, too.

That pain was back in my chest, and I just caught Ess gesturing her in. Fenli resumed her entry and closed the door behind her, none too quick to turn back and face us.

She’d been caught, and she seemed to know it.

I should have kept my mouth shut, but I was too much of an idiot for that.

“Who is he?” I asked. “Or she?” I’d long wondered if Fenli was even attracted to men, since we’d both been too young to know when we’d been married. “I won’t tell. I just—I need to know who it is.”

When I brought my eyes back up to meet hers, I caught the moment her brows furrowed. She looked at Esska and asked a silent question.

I felt left out of their loop. They seemed to have devised a language constructed of eyebrows and lips and shoulders. I glanced at my sister to see her communicating some mystery reply.

“Roan,” Esska said, hesitant. “Do you,” a note of humor entered her voice, “do you think Fenli is having an affair? ”

Fenli’s cheeks bloomed with a deeper blush than even the wind had left, and Esska gave a laugh.

“Oh, Toke,” she said. “Fenli, we have to tell him.”

“No.”

“He knows something’s up. For Toke’s sake, put him out of his misery. He thinks you’re having an affair!”

Fenli looked back at me for a beat, and I didn’t miss the concern in her eyes. “No ,” she said again. “I… I can’t.”

Ess encouraged her. “It will be okay. He won’t tell.”

Fenli was stiff with resistance. Everything about her was tight, from her shoulders to the set of her jaw, and she clutched the strap across her torso with brittle fingers.

Finally, her posture softened. She looked miserable, like she may be sick.

After a moment, she walked to the table, pulling the pack from her back and swinging it to rest in front of her.

“Fine,” she said on an exhale, and I realized that one of her secrets was about to come out in the open.

Fenli and her secrets. I braced myself to hear the truth. Instead, she showed me. From her pack, she pulled a large sheet of parchment. She unrolled it and laid it out on the table, her hands smoothing out the creases as the inked lines came into view.

It was a map.

My eyes landed on the village, huts shown in hatches, and followed a winding trail north. There was a river flowing west, which the trail eventually crossed, and past that was the coast, the suggestions of islands just starting to form. I tried to catch up.

“It’s a map.”

Fenli said nothing, didn’t even seem to draw a breath, but Esska piped up .

“Fenli makes maps. Has been for five years, and she’s good at it.”

“Ess stole your knife,” Fenli spat. My sister gasped. “She’s going to hunt like the men.”

The two eyed each other down in a standoff, and I tried to wrap my head around— ah, shite .

I blew out my pent-up breath and ran two hands up my face and through my hair. My wife snuck into the woods despite a multitude of rules to make maps, and my sister was going to upset every tradition our father held dear and try to hunt.

“You two are gonna be the death of me,” I said, and I headed up my ladder on uneasy legs, ignoring Ess when she said we should talk about it.

Like hell, I wanted to talk about it.

Baer would have their hides if he found out. When he found out.

Then he’d have mine for good measure.

Still, relief was washing through me, making my hands wobble and my head spin. I needed to lie on my floorboards for a moment while I pulled myself together and let the truth seep into my mind.

Fenli was not having an affair. It shouldn’t have come as such a relief, considering our relationship.

It shouldn’t have.

But it did.