Page 19 of Enamored with the Bluestocking (Romances of Intrigue #4)

“My friend.” Lord Rutherford clapped a hand on Matthew’s shoulder, then frowned as Matthew continued to twist his head this way and that, in search of someone. “Might I ask what it is you are doing at present? Your imitation of an owl is to be commended but –”

“I seek Lady Sarah.” Matthew shot his friend a wry look, though Lord Rutherford only grinned. “I have come to a determination and now must go in search of her.”

“You intend to speak of your future with her this evening?”

Matthew threw him another wry look. “Mostly, Lord Rutherford, I intend to apologise. That is all that is required of me at present, I think. I will go to her and beg her to forgive my foolishness in walking away from her as I did. I will express my sorrow for causing her yet more pain and then express my astonishment that she should ever be willing to spend yet more time in my company!”

Lord Rutherford nodded. “And if she tells you that she forgives you and that yes, her affections are still engaged, then what are your intentions?”

Matthew smiled, his heart leaping at the thought. “I hope to ask her to court me, in the full awareness that she is a bluestocking and that the ton , at some point, will know of it. In addition, I also intend to go to her father and state that I am aware of how learned she is and how I consider that to be an admirable and respectable quality. I do not want them to think for a moment that I will be turned back from the lady simply because of how much she reads and how much she understands! They have treated that as if it is something to be hidden but I have no intention of doing that myself.”

“I see.” Lord Rutherford’s expression grew thoughtful. “That is an excellent thing, I must say. I am sorry to hear that her parents have not been as encouraging as they ought to have otherwise been but if you are to champion that in her, then I am sure it will mean a great deal to the lady.”

“I must hope so,” Matthew answered, offering a small smile to his friend. “I should thank you also for all that you have done in pushing me forward in this. You have often attempted to point out the pride in me, I know, and I have been less than willing to listen to you but I am grateful for it now. Lady Sarah forced that realization upon me and in doing so, made me realize how much weight I place upon the ton and their view of me. It has taken a long time and, I am sure, a great deal of patience both from Lady Sarah and from yourself, but I am now truly an altered gentleman.”

“Good.” Lord Rutherford winked. “Then I am not to see you pursuing Lady Alice any longer?”

Matthew laughed, then winced. “I never thought to pursue her,” he said, honestly. “It was always for my own, selfish ends though I have turned from that now. I do not ever wish to return to that place again so, therefore, I turn my back on all that held itself tight to me before.” He lifted his head. “I am reformed. I am renewed and I declare that I am now devoted to Lady Sarah and her happiness.”

Lord Rutherford beamed. “Wonderful! And just in time, I think, for look, the lady approaches now!”

Matthew turned expectantly, his heart suddenly quickening as he looked into Lady Sarah’s face, recalling how he had kissed her, how her lips had softened against his and how much his heart had yearned for more. “Lady Sarah.” He bowed and then reached for her hand, bowing over it for the second time. “How glad I am to see you this evening.” Looking to her friend, he bowed again. “And Lady Catherine, Lady Sarah’s stalwart friend. I am glad to see you here this evening also, and grateful for all that you have ever said to me, for it has forced me into a reconsideration of myself.”

Lady Catherine’s eyes rounded, though she blinked quickly and then gestured to Lady Sarah. “No doubt most of this was brought about by Lady Sarah however, yes?”

“Yes, of course.” Matthew smiled warmly at Lady Sarah, though his brows furrowed when she did not return it, instead looking away. “Though there is much that I need to say to you still, Lady Sarah. A good deal of apology and explanation.”

Lady Sarah closed her eyes, dragged in a breath and, opening her eyes again, looked straight at him. “Our connection must come to an end, Lord Downfield.”

It was as though he had been punched hard in the stomach, staring at the lady in utter shock. He tried to speak but the only sound out of his mouth was a squeak.

“I am afraid that I cannot explain to you as to why this must be,” Lady Sarah continued, though Matthew caught a glint of tears in her eyes. “But it must be done and it must be done this evening. I cannot speak another word to you from this moment onwards.”

“Wait.” His voice hoarse, Matthew reached out and caught her wrist, his hand wrapping gently around it and Lady Sarah did not struggle, though she turned her head as though she could not bear to look at him. “I know why this is, Sarah. I understand what it is you are doing but it is not as you think!” Desperation rushed over him and he took a step closer, though Lady Sarah began to walk away, half pulling, half guiding him with her. “This is because I walked away from you, that I disappeared without a word and then spent the next three days absent from you,” he continued, as she hurried to the back of the ballroom before wrenching her wrist out of his grasp. “Please, Sarah, do not turn from me now! We are so very close to perfect happiness – a happiness which, I know, I have pulled us away from. I should never have done such a foolish thing as to walk away from that moment. I should never have even thought about doing that and yet, in my confusion and my fear, I did.”

“Fear?” Lady Sarah looked back at him now, tears filling her eyes. “You were afraid?”

“Yes.” Matthew’s face burned with shame but he kept his gaze steady, choosing to tell her everything clearly. “I was afraid because the old part of myself, the part that I have begun to fight daily, reared its head once more. I thought only about the ton, wondering what they would think of me, should I begin to court a bluestocking. I spent three days thinking of my future, wrestling with the feelings of my heart and the old worries which continued to throw themselves up at me. And then I realised just how much of a fool I was being, reminded by my friend Lord Rutherford just what had brought me to this place and then, to my shame, seeing how much pain and sorrow my actions would have brought you.” With a sigh, he passed one hand over his eyes and shook his head, his gut twisting as he saw the sadness etched across Lady Sarah’s face. “I care for you a great deal, Sarah. My heart holds a great and wonderful affection for you and I care nothing for the fact that you are a bluestocking. In fact, I think it marvelous – an excellent thing, and I have an extensive library which I would be delighted to show you one day.”

“I… ” Lady Sarah squeezed her eyes closed and much to Matthew’s dismay, a tear fell to her cheek.

“Here, please.” Agony tore at every part of him as he pulled out a handkerchief and offered it to her. “I can see just how much pain I have caused you and I swear to you, should you give me one more chance, then I will never do such a thing again. I have learned all that you have wanted me to learn and, in doing so, I have found myself quite lost in my affections for you. You are the most remarkable, wonderful, incredible, beautiful and delightful lady of my acquaintance, with an abundance of patience, kindness and wisdom within your heart. I have acted with stupidity and selfishness and yet, should you permit me one final chance to draw close to you, I can promise you that I would never do such a thing again.”

Lady Sarah shook her head. “I – I cannot.”

“Why?” Matthew moved closer to her, heedless to the others present, his eyes searching hers. “You cannot forgive me? Is that it?”

“No, I swear it has nothing to do with that.” Lady Sarah closed her eyes again, then dabbed at them with his handkerchief. “I will not step back from anything I have said to you previously, Downfield. I will cling to them all the more tightly, I will declare them to you again, should you wish it. And yet, I must remove myself from your company. I cannot be seen with you again.”

A flash came into Matthew’s mind. “Is this your fourth and final mystery?” he asked, clinging to the faint hope that this, somehow, might be some sort of drama by which to confuse him. “I know that we have not completed the final one and I must hope that this is what all your tears are for.”

Lady Sarah smiled sadly but did not give him the answer he had been looking for. “If only it were.”

“Then tell me why you must do this,” Matthew begged, his heart beginning to hammer furiously as Lady Sarah shook her head again. “There is some reason that you cannot tell me this, is there not?”

She looked at him, then nodded.

“But you will not tell me what it is?”

“It is not that I will not, but that I cannot.” Glancing around her, something like fear crept into her eyes and Matthew frowned heavily. “I must take my leave of you now, Downfield. Please, despite all that you might wish to do, do not pursue me. It is for your best if you do not.”

“No.” He came closer to her now, barely more than a few inches between them. “I am at my best when I am close to you, Sarah. I cannot abandon you now, not when I can tell that there is something severe present, something that is painful for you.”

Her eyes closed again as though shutting out the sight of him would give her the courage to do or say what was required. Matthew caught her hand in his, as surreptitiously as he could manage, and caught the small sigh which came from the lady.

“I must go,” she said, hoarsely. “Please, Downfield.” Her eyes opened, tears spilling from them. “I must go.”

Matthew’s jaw tightened. “I will count this as your fourth mystery,” he told her, releasing her hand and stepping back despite the urge to do precisely the opposite. “If you cannot tell me, then I will discover the truth regardless and, when I do, I will solve the difficulty and, thereafter, return to you. I will not let what might be crumble before our eyes because of some… some difficulty.” His eyes searched her face. “If I did so, Lady Sarah, would you return to my arms? Would you be willing to consider me?”

She blinked rapidly, her lips trembling. Taking in a breath, she gave him a small, almost imperceptible nod, and then, without any further words to him, stepped away.

It took all of Matthew’s strength not to follow after her. He let his gaze linger on her form as she moved through the crowd until he lost sight of her completely. It was only then that he dropped his gaze, ran one hand over his hair and let out a long, heavy sigh.

Something was very wrong indeed but quite how he was to go about solving this final mystery, he did not know. Turning, Matthew’s gaze ran over each face near him, his breathing quick and fast, one hand clenched into a fist as he tried to think clearly, tried to come up with an idea of what he was to do first.

Lady Catherine.

A small, firm smile caught the edge of his mouth and, without a second of hesitation, Matthew strode back into the crowd and went in search of the one lady who might be able to give him some more clarity.

***

“Lady Catherine, there you are.”

“I am present also, Downfield,” Lord Rutherford said, a little indignantly, but Matthew had no time to answer. Instead, he came a little closer to Lady Catherine and held her gaze, silently praying that she would tell him something. Lady Catherine blinked, then frowned before her mouth tugged to one side, as if she were struggling to know whether she ought to speak.

“You know something about what has taken place, I can see,” Matthew murmured, as quietly as he dared. “I care for your friend. I may not have been the most sensible of gentlemen of late – I will admit that I have treated her without the consideration that she is due – but I wish to amend that. Except now, she has no time to give me and when I ask her if it is because of my previous foolishness, she assures me it is not! But neither will she tell me what it is that pulls her from me.”

“I can assure you, it is not because of your actions nor your behaviour towards her that she had to move away from you again,” Lady Catherine said, though her eyes held a great deal of sadness as she spoke to him. “You can be assured that she does not want this, Lord Downfield. She does not want to be apart from you.”

“Then why does she step back?”

Lady Catherine closed her eyes and shook her head. “I do not think that I can tell you. It is not my place to do so.”

“But you must !” Matthew exclaimed, coming closer to her, his fears beginning to rise with such strength, he could not help himself, speaking now with great fervor. “I will be lost without her, Lady Catherine, lost! I have been foolish enough not to give her all of my heart and all of my attentions for a long time, I have been idiotic in giving way to my fears and to my own selfishness. Now, when I finally realise how much of a fool I have been, I do the only thing I can and throw myself upon her mercies in the hope that her affections might still come to me. And though I believe that they do – and knowing how unworthy I am of her considerations – I find myself now utterly distraught that she feels herself forced in some manner to pull herself away from me and from what future happiness we might have had. Please, if you can give me anything, even the smallest morsel, I shall be glad of it for I must find a way to solve this, if I can. I must discover even the smallest bit of truth so I can bring her back to myself, if she still wishes it.”

Lady Catherine searched his face for a long time, then she sighed softly and shook her head. “There have been threats made, though I dare not speak of them plainly,” she began, offering Matthew a tiny fragment of hope. “As you yourself have seen, there is no real desire within her to step back from what you had begun to share but yet, she feels that she must in order to protect… ” Closing her eyes, she trailed off.

“She needs to protect herself,” Matthew breathed, his hands curling into tight fists. “Who has threatened her? What has been said?”

Lady Catherine opened her eyes again and looked straight back at him. “No, Lord Downfield,” she said, softly. “Lady Sarah does not seek to protect herself. Indeed, when the threats were first made, she rejected them entirely, stating aloud that she did not care one iota for what might happen to her should she refuse to do as was asked. Thereafter, the threats were then directed to you and, therefore, it is you that she seeks to protect, not herself.”

A coldness wrapped around Matthew’s heart, squeezing painfully. “Someone has threatened me?”

Lady Catherine nodded.

“And it is because she wishes to protect me that she does what is being asked of her which is, I presume, pushing back from the connection we shared? She is no longer able to be as closely acquainted as we once were?”

With a small shake of her head, Lady Catherine spread out her hands. “I think this is all that I can tell you, Lord Downfield. To say more would be unfair of me, for Lady Sarah trusts me as her friend and I fear that even this is betraying her trust. Though I speak so simply because I do not want her to lose whatever happiness she might have had with you.”

Matthew offered her a small, wry smile. “Even though I have displeased you very often? You still think me worthy of being connected to Lady Sarah?”

It took a few moments for Lady Catherine to consider his question but, after a short while, she nodded. “Yes, I think that you are,” she said, quietly. “You have changed, certainly, but you care for Sarah a great deal. I can see that in you and I know that you will come to value her all the more as the days go forward. That is why I must beg of you to do all you can to protect her, to break through this dark evil which has been forced upon her. I wish that I could say or do more but I do not think it would be right.”

Matthew nodded. “I understand and I am grateful to you,” he said, quietly. “I have told her that I consider this the fourth mystery, the final one which will bring an end to it all – and, as I hope, bring us back together again. I do not deserve it, I do not deserve her , Lord knows, but I will do all that I can to prove myself to her – no matter how long it takes.”

At this, Lady Catherine smiled, though it still held a good deal of sadness within it. “Then I think you shall succeed, Lord Downfield, though it may take some time. Might I also suggest that you discover which of your acquaintances and friends have been speaking of Lady Sarah?”

Matthew frowned. “Speaking of her?”

Lady Catherine nodded. “Yes, of course. Someone will have said something to this person pushing threats upon Lady Sarah. Someone who knows a good deal about Lady Sarah, who might know more than society is permitted to know.”

A white hot rage rushed through Matthew as his hands clenched into fists, understanding what she meant. “You mean to say that this person threatened to reveal that she was a bluestocking?”

Lady Catherine nodded, putting a hand to Lord Rutherford’s arm for support. “You must ask yourself who of your acquaintances knows such a thing about her and why they would say something like that to others,” she finished, glancing up at Lord Rutherford. “I know for certain it will not be Lord Rutherford.”

“No, it will not be,” Matthew grated, his chest tight with anger. “But I believe that I know who it is.”

***

“Thank you for coming.”

Lord Dover and Lord Stephenson glanced at each other as Matthew beckoned them in, choosing not to rise from his study desk. Instead, he sat behind it, aware that he was pushing a rather austere exterior but thinking that such a thing might be precisely what these two supposed friends of his needed to see, if he was to get the truth.

“It is somewhat strange to be summoned like this,” Lord Dover said, casting another glance to Lord Stephenson, who nodded in evident agreement. “We are friends, are we not? Why did you send such a stern note, demanding that we come to speak with you at this time?”

Matthew, who had informed each of the gentlemen that the other would be present, offered them both a small shrug. “It is precisely because this matter is so severe,” he stated, as calmly as he could. “It relates to my life and my current acquaintances… and, in that regard, to one particular lady.” He lifted an eyebrow but both gentlemen simply looked back at him, blank expressions on each face. “It is about Lady Sarah.”

At this, both Lord Dover and Lord Stephenson immediately dropped their gaze and, after a moment, Lord Stephenson passed one hand over his eyes.

“Something has happened,” Matthew continued, when neither of his friends said a word. “Lady Sarah spoke to me at yesterday’s ball and informed me that our acquaintance had to come to a most abrupt end. I was, of course, greatly upset at this for, even though I have not behaved as I ought to have done when it comes to the lady, I came to the realization of just how much of a fool I was being in treating her so poorly. I was thinking only of my reputation, of my standing in society rather than being connected to the lady that I have come to love.” He spoke these last few words with as little emotion within them as he dared, only to find himself rather astonished to realize that yes, he was in love with Lady Sarah. It was more than just affection, more than just a small desire to draw closer to her. There was a depth to his feelings which he had never either experienced or identified before and that, Matthew recognized, was love.

“Love?” Lord Dover’s lip curled. “Goodness, that is an odd idea. Why would you ever consider yourself in love? It cannot be wise to connect yourself to a young lady merely because of your feelings! There must be genuine consideration to her standing in society, to her –”

“You fear that because she is a bluestocking, I will, somehow, pass a shadow over my reputation.”

Lord Dover nodded fervently. “Yes, and I know how much time you have put into protecting that, how much effort you have put into elevating yourself all the more. Society regards you as one of the greatest gentlemen in all of London, your reputation goes before you and then, to consider connecting yourself to Lady Sarah who, I am afraid, will soon be known as a bluestocking, seems quite foolish.”

Matthew’s jaw set tight though he did not allow his anger to show. It was anger mixed with shame, seeing that the words Lord Dover spoke were words that he himself understood. He recognized what it was that Lord Dover talked about, saw the importance of being seen by all of society in excellent standing, for it was what he himself had thought of for a very long time indeed.

But now, he turned his back on it entirely.

“I believe that it is my prerogative to deal with my reputation and my connections as I please, Lord Dover,” he said, in a low tone, casting a look to Lord Stephenson who was still choosing not to look in Matthew’s direction. “Both of you knew that Lady Sarah was something of a bluestocking. I believe I might even have told you – or one of you, at least – that there was concern in my heart as regarded her depth of learning and knowledge. That is to say that it came not from a concern about how much she knew and whether I would feel myself intimidated, but more from thoughts about the ton and how they might consider me. I can assure that I see that now as nothing but nonsense, a foolishness which I refuse to turn to. Alas, in that moment of understanding, I gained nothing more than confusion for Lady Sarah refused to return to my arm, stating that she must step back from me. And there must be a reason why.”

Lord Stephenson’s gaze darted to Matthew’s for a moment. “Why do you think that either of us would know of it?”

“Because,” Matthew said, slowly, choosing each word with great care. “Lady Catherine, Lady Sarah’s closest friend, told me that the reason Lady Sarah can no longer tolerate my company is because she has been threatened, told that she must do this else suffer great consequences. Though, it seems, she has rejected that and said that she would not do as was asked, the reason she has now been coerced into doing so is simply because I have been threatened instead.”

Lord Stephenson and Lord Dover blinked in confusion, then looked at each other. “I do not understand,” Lord Dover said, slowly. “How can you be threatened?”

“It seems that this person has stated that, unless she does as has been demanded – that is, to stay away from me – then my reputation will be ruined in some way. I cannot know what the specifics are of that, cannot tell whether this threat would truly be a great threat but, all the same, I find myself rather troubled. To hear that this has been placed upon Lady Sarah’s shoulders is, I think, deeply concerning and it is for that purpose that I called you both here.”

Both gentlemen looked at each other again. “Because you believe that one of us is responsible for this?”

Matthew nodded. “Yes,” he said, simply.

“But how can that be?” Lord Stephenson asked, his expression dark with a sudden and obvious upset. “We are your friends, as you yourself have said, so why then would we do such a thing as that?”

“I do not mean that you have gone out deliberately and have spoken cruelly about either Lady Sarah or myself,” Matthew explained, quickly, “but more to say that one of you is the cause of it all. One of you has spoken about Lady Sarah to someone else, one of you has spoken about her and her desire to learn, her desire to grow in knowledge. One of you has told another person that she is a bluestocking and that has now been used against her.” He spread out his hands. “The only thing I desire to know now is which one of you did such a thing, not so that I can place the blame upon you but so that I can then discover who it was and why this person has gone on to determine that Lady Sarah must be set apart from me.”

Lord Dover frowned only for his frown to pull into a scowl. Lord Stephenson, on the other hand, looked entirely blank, staring back at Matthew with rounded eyes, clearly a little confused over the matter.

Matthew knew at once who was responsible and, as such, turned his gaze back to Lord Dover, his eyebrows lifting in question.

Lord Dover rubbed one hand over his eyes and shook his head. “I did not mean… that is, I did not speak poorly of her deliberately. Do not think that I did. It was only because – ”

“Who did you speak to about Lady Sarah?” Matthew interrupted sitting forward in his chair now, his hand thumping hard on the desk. “I do not need to know what was said nor how sorry you are for it all. The only thing I wish to know is who you spoke to.”

With another heavy sigh, Lord Dover shook his head again, leaned his head back and looked straight at Matthew. “Lady Alice came to speak with me some evenings ago. She knew that you and I were well acquainted and, given that you were not showing her as much interest as she had hoped, she spoke with me about you.”

A heavy weight pulled at Matthew’s heart. “And so, you chose to speak about Lady Sarah? To the one person that you know would not think well of her?”

“I did not know that!” Lord Dover exclaimed, his eyes wide now. “I did not think for a moment that Lady Alice would do anything inconsiderate and indeed, I did not speak poorly about Lady Sarah, not in the way you might think. Instead, I simply shared that she was a young lady who was very well read, telling Lady Alice about the little mysteries that she has been playing out for you.”

Scrubbing one hand over his face, Matthew let out a low groan. “And now Lady Alice has determined that, since I am not showing her the attentions she clearly requires, she is to force me into that situation regardless of my own thoughts and considerations. I am to do whatever she wants from me and she will go about it in any way she can.”

“And what is worse,” Lord Stephenson put in, sending Lord Dover a dark look, “it sounds as though she will threaten your standing also, if she does not get what she desires. It is almost as though if she cannot have you close to her, then she will not let anyone else have you either!”

“Precisely,” Matthew growled, as Lord Dover hung his head, clearly ashamed of what he had done. “How could you do this, Lord Dover? I thought that you would know better than to speak ill in such a way!”

“I was a little in my cups,” Lord Dover muttered, rubbing one hand over his eyes. “And I was also talking to the daughter of a Duke! I confess that I was a little overwhelmed. I wanted her to think well of me, I wanted her to think that I was a gentleman of note – much as you did – and in that regard, I spoke when I ought not to have done. It is perhaps too much to expect you to forgive me so quickly but I am truly sorry for what has been done.”

Matthew scowled, finding his anger still present but, with it, an understanding of all that Lord Dover had done for he had been precisely the same for such a long time. “It will come, in time,” he muttered, dismissively cutting through the air between them with one hand. “But for the moment, I must find a way to tell Lady Sarah all that I know, to tell her that all will be well… and to somehow prevent Lady Alice from speaking lies about either the lady or myself.”

“Though does such a thing matter?”

Hearing the question in Lord Stephenson’s voice, Matthew lifted his eyebrows in surprise. “I beg your pardon?”

“Why should such things matter? If you are determined that you will connect yourself to the lady, if you are quite certain that you will draw close to her regardless, then will it matter what Lady Alice says?”

Opening his mouth to speak, to state that yes, it certainly did matter, Matthew closed it again as he began to understand what it was that his friend meant. “I do not want her reputation or my own to be damaged unnecessarily,” he said, slowly, “but nor do I want Lady Sarah to think that being a bluestocking is something that I wish to be hidden from them all. You are quite right, Lord Stephenson. Not a great deal should matter to me in that regard though I still want to make sure that I can do all that I can to protect her.”

His friend smiled at him, though Lord Dover was still looking away, a dark expression on his face. “Then I am certain you shall succeed! If it is of any use to you, I shall do whatever I can to support you in this. It is clear that you have a happiness in reach.”

“I would be glad of it.”

Lord Dover glanced at him. “If there is a way that I can make amends, then you know that I would be willing to do so.”

“I do,” Matthew said, seeing the upset on his friend’s face and allowing it to steal some of his anger away. “I have some thinking to do but, when the time comes, I will need you both to be as delighted about my engagement as you can – and to throw aside any rumours or whispers about Lady Sarah being a bluestocking.”

Lord Dover and Lord Stephenson’s eyes both widened at exactly the same time. For a few minutes, nothing was said until, with a clearing of his throat, Lord Stephenson spoke quietly.

“Engagement? You want to marry her?”

“Yes,” Matthew said firmly, with a determination which filled him with excitement rather than fear or dread. “I am certain that I want to do so. To have her by my side, to have her as my bride so that we are never separated again… I can think of nothing better.”