Page 12 of Enamored with the Bluestocking (Romances of Intrigue #4)
Sarah picked up a ribbon and then set it back down without so much as looking at it. She ran her finger lightly down over the silk but then turned away, her heart holding no interest in the fripperies around her.
“Have you found anything you like?”
With a shake of her head, Sarah offered Lady Catherine a small smile. “No, not as yet.”
Lady Catherine tilted her head. “You are not in fine spirits this afternoon, are you? Whatever is the trouble?”
Sarah paused for a moment, considering, then sighed. “It is foolishness, of course, by my thoughts still linger on the ball.”
“The one three nights ago?”
With a nod, Sarah looked away, feeling a tingling heat in her cheeks. “It is only that he turned his back on me so hastily, I was left feeling worthless – almost foolish – in his eyes, though I know that I am not so.”
“No, you are not!” Lady Catherine exclaimed, reaching out to grasp Sarah’s hand and squeeze it tightly. “My dear friend, you are delightful. You have a great deal of worth, even if Lord Downfield does not see it.” Her eyes searched Sarah’s face. “Though I must wonder if there is some reason that you hope for him to see you in that way? It seems that rather than simply ignoring his lack of consideration and reminding yourself of how selfish and arrogant he can be, you have really taken this to heart. It seems as though you are injured by it in a way that I did not expect.”
“I did not expect it either,” Sarah admitted, quietly. “My dear Catherine, it is nonsense to let myself behave so, I am well aware of that, but my heart simply will not release that moment from my thoughts! I am sorrowful over it. I am injured by it, as you have said, and I cannot seem to forget it.”
“Because you care for him.”
Sarah blinked rapidly, putting one hand to her heart. “Care for him? Indeed not, I hardly think that I would ever permit myself to be so foolish!”
“You are drawn to him, then.”
Again, Sarah tried to find the words to refute this, only for them to stick in her throat. She could say nothing, fighting to find the right words to say though none of them came.
“It is quite all right to find yourself drawn to a gentleman, no matter how unexpected that may be,” Lady Catherine told her, as Sarah threw a hasty glance around the shop, hoping that no-one else had overheard their conversation. “Lord Rutherford and I have found ourselves that way, I confess, and that has been most surprising! I did not think for a moment that one simple introduction would cause my heart to act in the way that it has but… ” She shrugged and smiled. “I cannot pretend that it has not.”
“Just as I cannot pretend that there is nothing within my heart for Lord Downfield,” Sarah sighed, heavily. “I do wish that I felt nothing more than dislike for him, for that would be a good deal easier, would it not?”
“No, I do not think so. This is not something that you should hide, not even from yourself,” Lady Catherine said, quickly. “Do not think that I am at all surprised, nor will I encourage you to do all you can to forget the fellow! No, instead, I will tell you simply to permit yourself to feel all that you feel without any great concern. Do not continually think on it or pretend that there is nothing there. Rather, let it be as it will be and the path will soon make itself clear.”
Sarah frowned. “My dear friend, it sounds as though that you think that my current feelings may grow! I cannot tell you how much I pray that they do quite the opposite.”
“But why?”
“Because I do not want to feel anything for him,” Sarah answered, spreading out her hands. “I do not want to have even the smallest interest in him. Look how he treated me! Look how foolish I am now, to have such feelings pressed back at me as though I mean nothing.” Her eyes closed tightly, heat burning behind them. “I am nothing to him. That was made very clear and it is foolishness now to permit even the smallest flicker of interest to remain in my heart.”
Lady Catherine opened her mouth and then closed it again, a frown flickering there. She shook her head, then tried to speak again but all that came out was a sigh.
“You see?” Sarah murmured, softly. “Even you can see that what I have said makes sense. Lord Downfield may have begun to learn something about his character but it will not make a profound difference to him. I have understood that now.”
“Mayhap. Though I will not fully agree with you,” Lady Catherine said, firmly. “Come now, if you are not going to purchase anything then why do we not take our leave?” Her eyes twinkled suddenly. “We might step into the bookshop?”
A thrill ran up Sarah’s spine. “Do you think we might?”
“We have not managed to do so as yet and since we are without parent to guard us this afternoon, I can see no reason why not.”
Sarah beamed at her friend, her concern and her thoughts over Lord Downfield quickly fading. She stepped outside quickly and, with hurried steps made her way towards the bookshop. With a hasty glance all around her, she made her way into the shop with Lady Catherine following close behind.
The moment she stepped into the shop, Sarah’s face split with a smile. The aura of books filled the space, the scent of pages and ink rushing over her. It warmed her heart and, after so long being absent from her favorite place, Sarah let out a long, contented sigh and clasped her hands tight together.
Lady Catherine laughed softly. “We shall have to take great care not to stay too long,” she warned, as Sarah nodded. “Your mother and mine are expecting us to return within the hour and we cannot be tardy. Though, if there are any books that you wish to purchase, then I shall keep them safe at my townhouse and, should you wish to come to take tea with me one afternoon, we might spend a pleasant afternoon indulging in whatever we have purchased!”
“A wonderful idea,” Sarah breathed, beginning to make her way to the rows of books. “I think I shall be quite lost here for some time!” Her fingertips drifted along the row of books, brushing gently across every spine. With a smile, she picked one up, opened up to the first page and began to read. Within minutes, she was lost.
***
“Good afternoon, Lady Sarah.”
With a yelp of surprise, Sarah lifted her head and managed to drop the book at the very same time. Lord Downfield’s eyebrows lifted in surprise though he quickly reached down to pick up the book and hand it back to her, though he glanced at the cover as he did so.
“Goodness, Lady Sarah, I did not think that a young lady such as yourself would be so interested in the history of the world. I would have thought that knowing the Kings and Queens of England would be the most that any young lady would be required to recall!”
Sarah snapped the book shut and then placed it on the shelf, the fright he had given her beginning to rush through her frame, her heart clamoring. “I am interested in a good many things, Lord Downfield. History of any country is something that I find myself truly fascinated by.” Realizing that, yet again, she had spoken without thinking and revealed a little more of her tendencies towards learning and the like, Sarah flushed and shrugged. “Though I am also partial to an interesting novel also, of course.”
“Mmm.” Lord Downfield tilted his head. “Though you prefer to expand your mind, I think.”
Sarah blinked, not quite certain what to say.
“Should you like me to purchase this book for you? It would be my pleasure to do so.”
Shaking her head quickly, Sarah took a step back. “I thank you, but no.”
“No? Are you quite sure? You appeared to be engrossed in it when I arrived, though I confess I did not mean to startle you.”
Sarah swallowed at a sudden tightness in her throat, shaking her head as she did so. “You are very kind, Lord Downfield, but I am afraid that I cannot accept such a gift.”
He came closer to her, his eyes a little grave now. “This is because of what I did at the ball, is it not? You are no longer willing to consider me anything more than a mere acquaintance? I cannot blame you for that, of course – and indeed, I do not – but I should very much like to express my regret to you for how I behaved. It was foolishness on my part – nay, more than that, it was selfishness.” He drew himself up as surprise lodged in Sarah’s heart, sending a stillness over her. “It was utter selfishness, Lady Sarah. I can admit to that now, though I was not at all inclined to do so when Lord Rutherford spoke to me about it all. However, I am grateful for it because it made me realize that the disregard with which I had treated you was deeply inconsiderate and for that I am truly sorry. Indeed, I should never have even thought to step away and even though I spoke to Lady Alice at length, I found that my only desire for conversation was with you.”
A little overcome with all that had been said to her and the rush with which those words had been spoken, Sarah took a few moments to gain her composure as she stood as tall as she could and looked Lord Downfield directly in the eye. It was quite astonishing to hear him speak with such honesty but the look on his face and the fervency with which he had spoken made her believe that he was quite genuine. “Might I ask why it was that you abandoned me, Lord Downfield? From what I could see, it was so that you could speak to another young lady and her mother which I could understand, if you were interested in courting her?”
At this, Lord Downfield cleared his throat, dropped his head and shuffled his feet, pink beginning to rise in his cheeks. “No, I can assure you that I have no interest in doing such a thing.”
Relief swelled in Sarah’s heart but she pushed it back as quickly as she could. “I see. Then what was your purpose in rushing towards this young lady as you did?”
Lord Downfield coughed and raked one hand over his hair, his eyes now darting away from her. “It was all to improve my own standing, that is all. It is unimportant for it was nothing but selfish and I can see that now. I regret it all the more, recognising that it brought you pain and upset.”
“I understand,” Sarah murmured, her heart quickening as she realized just how much he meant every word. “I do appreciate your apology, Lord Downfield, I – ”
She stopped suddenly as Lady Catherine came hurrying towards them both, her eyes wide. She did not even stop to greet Lord Downfield but grasped Sarah’s arm.
“Your mother and mine have just driven past in the carriage,” she hissed, as Sarah’s heart began to slam furiously about her chest. “I did not think that they were coming into town and it is only good fortune that let me see them for I was looking out of the window at the time – but we must take our leave.”
“Of course.” Sarah looked up at Lord Downfield, seeing him frown. “Forgive me, Lord Downfield, but I must hurry away from you now. I beg your forgiveness.”
“But the third mystery!” Lord Downfield exclaimed, his hand now catching hers. “You must tell me the third mystery that you were to offer me. I want to begin it just as soon as I can.”
“I will write to you with it,” Sarah said hurriedly, pressing his fingers. “I must go. Forgive me, I must go. I cannot be seen here.”
Without another word to him, she wrenched her hand away from his and then hurried after Lady Catherine, whose face had gone very pale indeed.
“Wait a moment.” Lady Catherine pushed open the door very carefully and then stepped outside, letting herself walk forward into the sunshine and looking all about her. Sarah, her heart pounding, waited just inside the shop only for Lady Catherine to nod. Yanking open the door with all of her strength, she stepped out quickly and then both she and Lady Catherine walked away from the bookshop as fast as they could.
“We have been to the milliner’s already but mayhap we should step inside again?” Sarah suggested, as Lady Catherine nodded. “Thank you for the warning. I do not know what would have happened should my mother have seen me stepping out of the bookshop!”
“I quite understand. It is a blessing that I saw them when I did!” Lady Catherine exclaimed as they made their way back into the milliner’s. “Lord Downfield did look very confused but I am sure that you can come up with some excuse should he bring it up.”
“I must hope so,” Sarah murmured, biting her lip as she recalled the confused expression on Lord Downfield’s face. “Though quite what it shall be, I have very little idea.”