Page 18 of Enamored with the Bluestocking (Romances of Intrigue #4)

Sarah’s hands twisted in front of her as she walked into the ballroom, her eyes searching for the one face, the one person she was desperate to see. It had been three days since he had kissed her in the bookshop, three days since he had hurried away thereafter and three days since she had been left wondering how long it would be before he would reach out to her again. Her fears had mounted, leaving her filled with a deep sense of dread that would not leave her. What if he was to tell her that there could be no deepening of their connection? What if that kiss had, in some way, told him that they were not meant to be, despite how much she herself thought it? Her heart would be quite broken if he turned away from her entirely but, given the silence from him, given that there had been no notes, no coming to take tea and, indeed, his absence from social events, Sarah’s hopes were slowly beginning to crack.

“You do look rather pale this evening.” Lady Harcastle turned to face Sarah, her expression one of concern. “Pinch your cheeks before we go any further, so that no gentleman sees you in such a state.”

Sarah obeyed, looking away as she did so. “Mama, there is something… ” She trailed off as her mother looked away, clearly paying no attention to anything that Sarah was saying. She closed her eyes briefly, her face hot now that she had done as her mother had asked. Quite what she had been about to say, Sarah was not certain but the desire to unburden herself, even a little, was strong. Lady Catherine had been quite taken up with Lord Rutherford, and Sarah had heard words about engagement and the like, so she could well understand her friend’s excitement. That being said, she had found it difficult that Lady Catherine had not asked about Lord Downfield and as such, Sarah had spent the last three days feeling rather lonely.

“There you are!” Lady Catherine, the very person that Sarah had been thinking about, hurried forward and, after greeting Lady Harcastle, beamed at Sarah. “I have been looking all over for you.”

“Have you?” Sarah tried to smile, her own spirits nowhere near the heights of Lady Catherine’s. “I have only just arrived. Is there a reason that you were looking for me with such enthusiasm?”

“Only because I think that, this evening, Lord Rutherford intends to make his proposal!” Lady Catherine squealed, pulling Sarah a little closer as they walked, arm in arm, around the ballroom as they usually did. “He has sought permission from my father and been granted it!”

“How wonderful!” Sarah’s heart tore though she forced a smile, trying to set aside her own unhappiness. “I assume you will accept?”

Lady Catherine laughed heartily. “Of course I shall!” She smiled and then looked to Sarah, though her smile faltered a little. “Might I ask if there is something troubling you, my dear friend? You seem a little pale this evening.”

Sarah swallowed hard, trying to keep her emotions under control. “I – I have had some difficulty of late, as regarded Lord Downfield.”

“Oh.” Lady Catherine stopped walking and then pulled her arm from Sarah’s. “And I have been far too caught up with my own affairs to notice. Tell me, my dear. Tell me all.”

It was all that Sarah needed. The tide of emotion broke over her and, with a quavering voice and eyes that were already damp with unshed tears, she told Lady Catherine everything. Her friend led her to a quiet corner where Sarah continued to speak, keeping her voice as low as she could but holding nothing back.

At the end, she felt herself worn out, as though she had given all of her strength simply to speaking. With a heavy heart, Sarah closed her eyes and dropped her head. “And now, I have been waiting for him for some three days. He said he has much to think about but what is there to consider? Either we are to form a connection or we are not!”

“Indeed, but you know that Lord Downfield is a complicated gentleman, do you not? You know of his pride and his arrogance and how great a hold they had on his character.” Lady Catherine tilted her head and smiled sympathetically. “This is how it has all come about, is it not? You thought that playing these little mysteries with Lord Downfield might encourage him not only to see the difference between Tom Jones and himself– initially, at least – but also to thereafter, alter his character somewhat. Now that it has, now that he has begun to change, can you not see that it will take time for him to improve entirely?”

“You mean that he must battle all that he knows? All that he has been and now no longer wants to be?”

Lady Catherine nodded. “And though I am loathe to say this, you must prepare yourself for the chance that he might not change into the gentleman that you desperately wish him to be. There is a chance that he will turn his back on all he feels for the sake of his reputation.”

Sarah’s gut twisted. “Because I am a bluestocking, because he knows of it and that the ton will hear of it also.”

Lady Catherine reached out and took Sarah’s hand in hers. “Yes,” she said, simply. “It brings me no joy to say this, I can assure you. It is only said out of concern.”

Closing her eyes against the swell of fresh tears, Sarah nodded slowly as her heart, which had held so little hope already, finally lost the last few trickles of it. The silence from Lord Downfield, the absence of his presence from society told her that all was not well. She would be rejected, their connection would be severed and he would return to who he had once been, chasing the highest elevation for himself within society.

“Lady Sarah?”

At a tap on her shoulder, Sarah turned around, only to see a young lady standing there, a slight lift to her chin and a flicker of dislike in her eyes. “Yes?”

“I hear that you are acquainted with Lord Downfield.”

“Yes, I am,” Sarah replied, looking to Lady Catherine who, for some reason, had gone very still indeed. “Though I do not think that we are acquainted.”

The young lady sniffed. “I do not think that we need to be. What I must say to you can be spoken and then our connection can end.” Her lips curved into a smile but it was not one that brought Sarah any warmth. Indeed, there was a coldness there which she shuddered to see, worrying as to what it was that this young lady was going to say.

“I do not understand,” she told her, as firmly as she could. “If we are not acquainted, then why must you speak with me?”

“It is about Lord Downfield.”

Sarah blinked rapidly, trying to hide her surprise. “What is it you wish to say to me about him? Surely anything you have to speak about, you ought to say to him directly?”

The young lady’s lips curved all the more but there was ice in her gaze. “Not when it comes to your connection with him, Lady Sarah,” she said, her voice more like a hiss than anything else. “You will cease your connection with him at once. It will come to an end. You will tell him that you have no interest in even being acquainted with him any longer and you will treat him as though you have never seen him before in your life.”

Rather astonished at this, a ball of harsh laughter stuck in Sarah’s throat, though she managed to pull it back. “I hardly think that you have any right to demand such things of me,” she said, as Lady Catherine took a step closer in what Sarah saw as a show of solidarity. “There is no reason for me to treat Lord Downfield with such disregard and I can assure you that I have no intention of doing so.”

“No?” The lady’s smile fell, crashing to the floor. “I am afraid, Lady Sarah, that if you do not do as I have asked, then I will have no choice but to tell society that you are nothing more than a bluestocking. I will tell all of society that you delve into matters that no young lady ought to know about, that you pry and snoop into all manner of affairs. The ton will know of it all and then what will become of you?”

The shock of her words ricocheted around Sarah’s heart, causing her to stumble back. She stared at the young lady, confused and horrified at what had been said, of the threats which had been laid at her door.

“Lady Alice, this is entirely unfair,” she heard Lady Catherine say, her voice seeming to come from very far away. “Why ever should you demand Lady Sarah to do such a thing? That is not how we ought to treat one another, it is – ”

“I do not care to hear whether or not you approve of what I am doing,” Lady Alice interjected, swiping her hand through the air. “All I wish to do is to hear that Lady Sarah agrees with me.”

“I – I do not agree with you,” Sarah breathed, her whole body shuddering as she spoke. “I do not think it right for you to speak to me in this manner and I certainly will not agree to step away from Lord Downfield. He and I are good friends and – ”

“And do you think that you will continue to be so once the ton knows you are a bluestocking?” Lady Alice’s lip curled. “Do you believe that he will stand by your side and insist that yes, you are his dear acquaintance and that he cares nothing for the fact that you are what you are?”

Recalling the quick way that Lord Downfield had stepped back from her once they had shared a kiss, doubt began to swirl through Sarah’s mind but she did not let her stance falter. The shock of Lady Alice’s demands had begun to lessen and now, Sarah lifted up her chin a little more, refusing to let the lady win this battle. Yes, she had a great and dreadful fear that Lady Alice would tell everyone about her bluestocking ways and what would become of that, but neither was she willing to buckle under the weight that Lady Alice was placing upon her! To agree to this would be to agree to remove herself from Lord Downfield’s company for good and the thought of that was much too painful even to consider for long.

“It would only to be Lady Alice’s word,” Lady Catherine whispered, turning her head so that Lady Alice could not see her speak. “I could defend you. There are others who would consider it only gossip and if needs be, I would be more than willing to support you as you defend yourself to your parents in the hope of convincing them not to return you to your father’s estate.”

Sarah looked back at her friend, her stomach twisting as she fought fear. “It would be viewed as gossip, would it not?”

Lady Catherine nodded. “She has no proof of what she will say.”

Taking in a deep breath, Sarah set her shoulders and gave her friend a nod. “I must also trust Lord Downfield, that he would not turn away from me even if society thought ill of me.”

“Indeed.”

Still afraid of what consequences her answer would bring, Sarah turned her attention back to Lady Alice, aware that she still shook a little from both dread and shock. “I trust Lord Downfield, that he would not turn from me. Your words about me being a bluestocking would be seen as only gossip. Therefore, I am afraid that I cannot do as you have asked.”

“I think you have your answer, Lady Alice,” Lady Catherine said, her smile encouraging Sarah but clearly angering Lady Alice, who immediately began to scowl. “I do not think we need to continue this conversation any longer, do you?”

Sarah continued to tremble but kept her expression as calm as she could and her gaze steady. She was not about to be coerced into doing anything though what her future might now hold was terrifying indeed. If Lady Alice did as she had threatened, then Sarah might find herself dragged back to her father’s estate and wed to some dreadful gentleman in his dotage! But yet she had to trust that, even with those consequences looming heavily, she still had hope and that was enough to fight for.

“Very well.” Lady Alice’s scowl grew all the darker as she came a little closer, her eyes narrowing. “And what will you say if I tell you that, should you refuse to turn from Lord Downfield, should you refuse to move away from him as I have asked, then I will spread rumours about him , rumours which will quite ruin his reputation.”

A darkness draped itself around Sarah’s shoulders.

“No doubt you will tell me that many a rumour has been said about many a gentleman and that those rumours simply swirl through society for a time before fading away. And yet, I shall then go on to remind you that I am the daughter of a Duke and that my words are more likely to be both listened to and believed.”

“Why would you do such a thing?” Lady Catherine asked, as Sarah’s heart thudded dully in her chest. “Why would you whisper gossip about a gentleman who has done you no wrong?”

“Oh, but he has! I have seen that his interest is more in Lady Sarah than in my own company, I have seen that he does not eagerly choose my company despite what the ton might say.”

“Then why do you demand that I stay away from him?” Sarah asked, her voice a good deal quieter than before. “Why would you expect this from me?”

“Because,” Lady Alice answered, shrugging her shoulders, “I have decided that he is the gentleman I wish to court me and therefore, I shall have what I desire. You are in my way, Lady Sarah, and if you do not do as I ask then I shall ruin your reputation.”

“But you would ruin his also?”

Lady Alice shrugged. “If I cannot have him pursue me, then I shall not permit him to pursue anyone either. He will be ruined, his reputation will be covered in dirt and that shall bring me a great deal of contentment. Thereafter, I shall turn my attention again to the ton and see which gentleman next catches my eye. Though, of course, I do not have to do anything of the sort to him, Lady Sarah. That choice is yours.”

Lady Catherine grasped Sarah’s wrist as though she knew what was on the tip of Sarah’s tongue and wanted to prevent it but Sarah spoke before she could do so.

“You believe that he will pursue you once I pull myself back from him?” she asked, her voice hoarse now. “That is your thinking?”

Lady Alice nodded. “It is.”

“And what if he does not?”

A small, cruel smile touched the edge of Lady Alice’s lips. “Then I shall inform him that he must.”

Seeing that the lady fully expected to gain what she pleased in whatever way she wished, Sarah dropped her head and closed her eyes. She did not want to step away from him, did not want to end their connection but now, it seemed, she was going to be forced away from him regardless of her own desires.

“You do not have to do this,” Lady Catherine whispered, as tears began to burn behind Sarah’s eyes. “You do not have to do as she asks.”

“I must,” Sarah answered, softly. “I must, for I have to protect Lord Downfield. I cannot permit him to be so injured.”

Lady Catherine shook her head but Sarah opened her eyes and looked straight at her friend. “My dear friend, if there is something else that you can suggest, then please, tell me of it now.” When Lady Catherine shook her head and pressed her lips flat together, Sarah let out a slow breath and then shrugged her shoulders. There was nothing for her to do but to agree with Lady Alice’s demands, knowing that she would be stepping away from Lord Downfield forever. “Very well, Lady Alice,” she finished, hopelessly. “I will inform Lord Downfield of my decision to step back from him very soon.”

“This evening. Oh, and you are not to give him any explanation as to why this is happening, else the consequences I have spoken of will fall upon him – and you – regardless.”

Sarah closed her eyes. “Please, I – ”

“This evening, Lady Sarah,” Lady Alice interrupted, firmly. “Good evening to you both.”

She walked away and Sarah wanted to cry out, wanted to do something, to say anything that would stop this situation from taking place, something that would bring an end to all of Lady Alice’s plans but, in the end, the only thing that remained was her agreement.

“You are truly going to tell Lord Downfield that you can no longer be in company with him?”

Nodding, Sarah closed her eyes, feeling dampness on her cheeks.

“And what if he asks you why?”

Shaking her head, Sarah took the handkerchief that Lady Catherine pressed into her hand. “I do not know what I shall say. Mayhap I will simply inform him of it and walk away even though my heart will break as I do so.”

“Can you really turn your back on such a strong affection?” Lady Catherine asked, softly. “Can you not go to him and explain all that has happened, even with all that Lady Alice has threatened?”

“He has not come back to my company ever since we shared that kiss,” Sarah answered, her heart ripping into pieces. “There might not have been any hope for me anyway.”

“Do not say that!” Lady Catherine exclaimed. “It may be that he was simply overwhelmed with the emotion of it all and, now that he has considered it all, looks instead to come to speak with you about a happy future! Are you going to throw that chance away by refusing to say a single word?”

“I dare not be truthful,” Sarah whispered, her head still hanging low as all hope fled from her. “If anything should happen to him, if anything should come from the risk I would take in speaking honestly to him, then I would never forgive myself. I care about him too much to ever risk that.”

Lady Catherine put a hand to Sarah’s arm. “You love him?”

Shaking her head, Sarah lifted her gaze to her friend’s face. “I do not know. It is a foolishness to love someone who has shown no determination to pull himself close to me after we shared such an intimacy but I will admit that my heart is determined to do such a thing regardless. Whether that is love, I cannot say for certain, but all I know is that, when I speak to Lord Downfield about this, it will shatter into a million pieces and, I am sure, will never be able to be restored again.”