Page 17 of Enamored with the Bluestocking (Romances of Intrigue #4)

“Another.”

Matthew rubbed at his eyes, feeling them gritty. For the last three days, he had only been either in his townhouse or here at Whites, sitting and contemplating what had happened, what he was to do and what would follow thereafter. He did not know how many hours he had been sitting here in Whites for this evening and yet, despite the prolonged length of time, Matthew could not make sense of all that he was feeling for Lady Sarah. He had learned so much about her, had realized just how deep his feelings for her were and when she had not stepped back from his nearness, when she had drawn closer to him and when he had heard her speak with both happiness and anticipation about a closeness growing between them, he had abandoned all sense and had kissed her.

It had been the most wonderful moment of his life.

When the bell had clanged, however, it had broken through the two of them, leaving him to step back from her as he realized all that had taken place… and the significance of what he had done also. In kissing her, he had not only given way to his feelings but he had also practically declared himself to the lady! It was not a small thing to have done so for he was not a rogue, he was not a rake inclined towards taking liberties! That kiss held a great deal of significance and, in seeing that, Matthew found himself quite terrified.

“What am I to do?” Muttering into his glass, Matthew winced as the memory of what he had done and all that he had felt washed over him again.

The sensations which had flooded him as he had kissed her, the way his emotions had run wildly through him and the joy which rang around his heart had all been wonderful, but what he had been left with, as he lifted his head, was the realization that, should he pursue Lady Sarah, should he pursue a connection with her, then he would find himself connected to a bluestocking – and while he himself had no concern in that regard – what did it matter to him if a lady was well read or not? – understanding that the ton would not see it in the same light was troubling.

“Yet again, I am fighting myself,” he muttered, taking the glass of brandy from the footman’s tray before taking a long sip. Why could he not rid himself of this? Why would it not leave him? It was dogged in its attempts to overwhelm him, to remind him of all that would be said of him, should he tie himself to Lady Sarah. Not only would there be remarks about her but there would also be many a remark made about him and his connection. There might be teasing, there would certainly be mockery and his reputation, his precious reputation, would be knocked back. Was that what he wanted?

“You look either pensive or a little in your cups.”

Matthew scowled as Lord Rutherford came to sit with him. “I am in no mood for your lectures, Rutherford. Nor do I want to hear just how happy and contented you are, for that will bring me no joy. Your connection to Lady Catherine appears to be very strong and the ton are, no doubt, happy for you but I cannot find the same contentment.”

Lord Rutherford said nothing, though his eyebrows did lift just a little.

“Though that is not to say that I am not glad for you,” Matthew added, having no desire for his friend to think ill of him. “Forgive me for my dull mood, Rutherford. I have something I am contemplating and – ”

“And you cannot decide whether or not you will court Lady Sarah?” Lord Rutherford interjected, grinning as Matthew scowled at him. “Yes, my friend, I am well aware of your struggle, even though you have not spoken a word of it to me.”

“How can you be aware of it?” Matthew asked, his brow furrowing. “You and I have not spoken of the lady at all.”

“Because you have been entirely absent from society for three days now and that can only mean one thing – that your affections are engaged and you know not what to do about them.” Lord Rutherford chuckled. “Besides that, I have seen your interest in the lady grow and your consideration of her with it, though I have been concerned that your connection to Lady Alice might affect your heart.”

“There is no connection between Lady Alice and myself!” Matthew cried, suddenly agitated. “I do not want anyone to think that I am eager to court Lady Alice for that would mean that my interest lay with her and it… well, it does not.”

“It lies with Lady Sarah.”

Matthew groaned aloud, closing his eyes and throwing his head back to the back of his chair. “Please, Rutherford. Either tell me what I should do or go away.”

Lord Rutherford chuckled quietly. “I would be glad to, except for the fact that you have not told me anything specific about what concerns you.”

Matthew hesitated, wondering if he ought to tell his friend about the fact that he had not only caught the lady up in his arms but had kissed her also. Sensing that his friend would work that out whether he told him or not, Matthew shrugged. “My feelings for Lady Sarah have reached a particular… height.”

“Oh.” Lord Rutherford’s eyebrows lifted a little higher. “I presume, then, that she is… how shall I say this? She is aware of your feelings?”

“If you are asking me if I kissed her, then the answer is yes.” Matthew groaned and ran one hand over his eyes, shutting them tightly for a moment. “I did not mean to. That is, I did not go in to speak with her with the intention of doing so.”

Lord Rutherford nodded. “I know you well enough to believe that to be true. You need not have any concern there.”

“I thank you.”

His friend shrugged. “So what is it that troubles you, then? The lady is clearly as interested in your company and your connection as you, so I cannot see why you are sitting here, confused and perturbed. There should be joy in your heart at this, should there not be?”

Matthew shook his head, sighed and then took another sip from his glass so that he could have a few extra moments by which to consider his answer. “There mayhap should be, yes,” he admitted, as Lord Rutherford listened carefully. “But I walked away from her, Rutherford. I left her without promise nor hope.” He winced at the shock which quickly wrote itself across his friend’s expression. “I did not mean to be in the least bit cruel but my emotions were so weighty and the realization of what that could now mean began to race through my mind with such speed, I found myself quite caught up with… well, I do know precisely what emotion it was but my desire was to step away and to let myself think clearly about all that had just taken place.”

Lord Rutherford sniffed. “You are afraid.”

“I – ” Matthew opened his mouth and then grimaced, realizing that his friend was speaking the truth.

“You are afraid of your own emotions for, no doubt, you have never experienced such a connection as this before and now, given that the future is quite clear not only to me but to you also, you are refusing to face that truth and so, instead, have stepped away from it all.”

Matthew swallowed hard, hating the truth which was being offered to him. “It is not that.”

“Yes it is.”

“It is not!” he exclaimed, trying to explain to his friend that it was not all as he believed. “She is a bluestocking.”

Lord Rutherford blinked, then shrugged. “So? What does that matter?” When Matthew did not answer, Lord Rutherford’s eyes rounded as understanding washed over him, only for him to snort in evident derision before looking away. “My dear friend, I am quite right,” he said, making Matthew’s scowl reappear with great swiftness. “It is because of fear that you are sitting here rather than doing as you truly wish to do deep down in your heart, which is to go and court Lady Sarah. You fear that in being connected to her, your reputation will somehow suffer. This precious reputation of yours, the one you have held in higher esteem than any living soul, might now be tainted, all because the lady you have come to care for has a great deal of knowledge and understanding.” He snorted, then rolled his eyes. “I thought that you had learned that the pride within you and the arrogance which held you in its sway were both things to be set aside, no? I thought that your connection with Lady Sarah had taught you something and that you, in turn, were moving away from it. Is that not so now? You have decided to cling to who you were, rather than move forward into the gentleman you were becoming, the one who was doing his level best to set all that aside? I know that you were having difficulties in your connection with Lady Alice and that you were fighting between the desire to have her close in order to elevate you all the more in society and turning, instead, to Lady Sarah, but am I to believe now that you have chosen the former instead of the latter?”

“I – I have not chosen anything,” Matthew stammered, a little overwhelmed by Lord Rutherford’s tirade. “Come now, you cannot think me as much of a fool as that? I will not step away from the lady without good reason.”

“And the good reason would be your reputation?”

Matthew paused, then shook his head. “No, that is not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

There was nothing for Matthew to say. The truth was quite clear, both to his friend and to himself and, deep in his heart, Matthew was ashamed of it. He cared deeply for Lady Sarah, he knew that, more deeply than he had ever cared for anyone and yet the thing that was pushing him back from her, the one thing that held him away from her was the knowledge that the ton would soon find out that she was a bluestocking – for he would not force her to hide it, as her parents had done – and he would have the whispers and the gossip and the rumors all rushing around him. The ton would laugh that he was engaged or wed to a bluestocking, mocking him for requiring such a thing in a wife and, of course, looking down upon Lady Sarah herself, though Matthew doubted that the lady herself would give that even a single moment of thought.

“You need to set aside this reputation of yours for the sake of love.” Lord Rutherford took in a deep breath and then sat forward in his chair, his gaze steady. “You care for Lady Sarah, no doubt you probably love her though you will not admit it to me, and that is what is most important. To set that aside, to leave as though she means very little to you will only cause you pain. Tell me, my friend, does it concern you in any way that she is a learned young lady? That she is a bluestocking?”

Matthew shook his head. “No, of course not.”

“Then why should you care if the ton think differently? Why should you take even the smallest notice of it? I know that you have often given in to the fear of what society thinks of you but does it not matter to you all the more what Lady Sarah’s opinion is of you?” Lord Rutherford tipped his head just a little. “You have a young lady who cares for you, my friend. Do you know how fortunate you are in that regard? Do you not understand what a gift you have been given?”

A nudge of shame pushed into Matthew’s heart. “I – I might not have seen it in such a light before.”

“Then see it now,” Lord Rutherford stated, firmly. “You have a beautiful, intelligent, genteel young lady who returns your affections and who, might I add, has endured a great deal of hurt at your behaviour towards her – which includes your foolishness in walking away from her just after you shared a kiss for, no doubt, she was left feeling empty and foolish.”

Matthew dropped his head.

“I say this not to heap shame on you but to make you understand what you have by way of Lady Sarah’s heart. It is an incredible blessing, a joy which so few have to claim. You have been fighting against your desires to return to the ton as you were before, doing all you could to make your name known and to lift it higher than almost everyone else in society. The only way to win, Downfield, the only way to gain that security is to make certain that you do the opposite of whatever your mind is telling you to do.”

Matthew lifted his head. “What do you mean?”

“It tells you to run from Lady Sarah, to set your back to her so that the ton will not know that you have connected yourself to a bluestocking. Your heart tells you that you must run to her, that you must offer her your heart, your hand, your entire life, if you can, given all that she has become to you. What you must do, if you are to be free of this, is to do what your heart says rather than your mind. Do the opposite of what your mind tells you and, instead, turn to your heart. Listen to that rather than to your thoughts. I know it is not the thing that you usually do but I promise you that, should you do so, you will find yourself happier – though the thought might be a little terrifying, I am sure.”

“Mayhap a little,” Matthew muttered, shoving one hand through his hair and letting out a long, slow breath. Lord Rutherford was quite right, he knew, and yet it was just as he had said: the thought of doing that very thing, of turning to Lady Sarah and offering her his heart, knowing what would follow, was a somewhat terrifying one.

“You will be happier for it, I know,” his friend told him, firmly. “Now that I have Lady Catherine by my side, now that I know we are to become engaged and wed – and yes, you need not look at me like that for it is not something I have discussed with you as yet, though I have discussed it with the lady – I find that nothing else in my life is of any concern. I do not care what the ton thinks, nor do I find myself desiring to be in society’s company. All that I want is Lady Cahterine, I want to be with her and with her alone. My mind has nothing but thoughts of her, of her happiness and joy rather than worrying about what anyone else should say of either myself or my connection to the lady.”

“But Lady Catherine is not a bluestocking.”

“Even if she were, would it make any difference?” Lord Rutherford asked, his eyes twinkling. “I can assure you, it would not. I was drawn to her beauty, her strength and her tenacity and that has not changed. I have no doubt that there will be some in the ton who think that a lady ought not to speak as firmly nor as bluntly as she does, some who will comment on her behaviour and say that it is inappropriate but I can assure you that there is nothing in that which concerns me. In fact, I could not care any less about it! He smiled. “So it will be with Lady Sarah, so long as you are willing to make that decision and turn away from your fear of what the ton will say of it all. They will not bring you happiness no matter what you do, I can assure you. But Lady Sarah certainly shall do and I believe that you know that already.”

Matthew threw back the rest of his brandy rather than respond to his friend. He had no doubt that Lord Rutherford was correct in what he stated but he himself was growing a little weary of the conversation, finding his spirits sinking as he realized, yet again, how foolishly he had behaved when it had come to Lady Sarah. At the time of their kiss, he had known precisely what it was he had wanted, eager to have more of her company, of her closeness and of her kisses – and that meant courtship, if not engagement and matrimony.

And yet, his own ridiculous concerns over high standing and the like had driven him away from her arms rather than encouraging him to linger.

How idiotic he had been.

“I would rather not speak of this any longer,” he muttered, gesturing to the footman for another. “I can see that you are correct in everything you have said and, therefore, given my present mortification and shame, I should like to bring an end to the conversation.”

Lord Rutherford looked back steadily. “I do not mean to place any sort of shame upon you.”

“I bring it upon myself,” Matthew answered, darkly. “I thank you for your boldness in speaking to me as you do, Lord Rutherford. We are friends indeed, are we not?”

“We are.” Lord Rutherford got up and, after a moment, shook Matthew’s hand. “I do hope that I will soon be able to offer you my congratulations?”

Matthew allowed a smile to edge up the corner of his mouth. “You have convinced me to do what my heart wants rather than listen to my thoughts, yes,” he said, feeling a knot tie itself in his stomach even as he said those words. “Thank you, my friend. I hope that very soon, I will be free of all the fear that has held me for so long – and that instead, I will hold Lady Sarah close to me.”