Page 16 of Enamored with the Bluestocking (Romances of Intrigue #4)

I did not see him last evening.

Sarah sighed to herself as she meandered through the London streets, her acquaintances all around her but her own interests dulled. It had been something of a surprise to receive an invitation from Lady Emilia to walk through town with her and some other young ladies but, of course, Sarah had accepted – though, in truth, her mother had refused to permit her to excuse herself! Sarah had, therefore, found herself at Gunters, taking an ice with young ladies that she was not very well acquainted with, before now meandering to the milliner’s. None of the young ladies offered her any sort of conversation and Sarah did not join in any of theirs, for she had no interest in discussing which gentlemen were the most foppish, the grandest or the most handsome. Her thoughts were singled on only one gentleman and he was still very much within her heart.

I think I might very well be in love with him.

The thought was not an unpleasant one and nor did it make Sarah’s heart quicken with dread or fright. Instead, she found her lips curving into a smile as she turned her head to look at one set of ribbons and then the next, all without really seeing them. This nonsense with her mysteries and his attempts to answer them had faded slowly into the background, leaving her with very little interest in whether or not he found the answers and, for his part, seeming to have very little urgency in doing so. That was what made Sarah’s heart glad, for if Lord Downfield was interested in her company rather than in simply answering her questions, then did that not offer her some hope? Hope that her own feelings might be returned?

“I did see that he was dancing with her last evening,” she heard someone say, though Sarah quickly pulled her interest away and made to walk to another part of the milliner’s. “I do wonder if Lord Downfield will ask to court her soon, for if he does, I am sure that the lady will accept him! She appeared to be quite taken with him!”

Sarah stopped dead, her heart pounding, her smile shattering. Lord Downfield was interested in courting someone else? Another young lady? She had never let that thought enter her mind, had never even imagined that such a thing could be. Squeezing her eyes closed at her own foolishness that she could have possibly assumed that his interest lingered only on her, Sarah dropped her head and let out a slow breath, trying to calm her frantically beating heart.

“I am sure that her father, the Duke of Kettering, would have to make quite certain that Lord Downfield fulfilled all that was required for his daughter’s husband,” the second lady said, as Sarah’s eyes began to burn with unshed tears. “There would be many a conversation, I am sure, and I have heard that the Duke of Kettering can be quite severe.”

“Though if Lord Downfield was eager enough in his desire for courtship, I am sure he would not be turned away,” said the first, “and given what I saw last evening – his dancing and his conversation – I should say that he is so.”

Sarah stumbled to the door, wrenching it open and hurrying out into the afternoon sunshine. She knew precisely who it was that the two ladies were speaking of, for Lady Alice had been the young lady that Lord Downfield had gone to in haste, abandoning her entirely in the process. He had apologized, yes, but despite all his kind words to her, what if he had been speaking them only to express his contentment for the friendship between them, rather than anything else? Why had she let her heart be so hasty in its emotions? Why had she never once stopped to consider if she was being overeager?

Sniffing, Sarah pulled out her handkerchief and pressed it to her eyes, only to drop her hand down again as she caught the concerned glances from one or two passers-by. Looking around, her eyes caught sight of the bookshop and, knowing the solace it would bring, Sarah hurried towards it, heedless now to the consequences which would follow, should she be discovered there. All she wanted now was a balm for her soul, a bandage to her aching heart.

Stepping inside, she managed a nod and a brief smile to the proprietor before making her way down the rows of books, hurrying to the very back of the bookshop. Once there, and quite certain that she was entirely alone, Sarah dropped her head, closed her eyes and let the pain and embarrassment rake through her.

Tears came but she did not stop them, pressing her handkerchief to each eye in turn so that no tears would fall to her cheeks. How foolish she had been! How ridiculous to believe that she had been in love with the Marquess of Downfield, only to then see that her affections might not be returned! Ought she not to have made certain of that before permitting her heart to open so deeply towards him? Squeezing her eyes closed, Sarah swallowed a sob, having no desire for the sound of her tears to make its way across the bookshop.

“Lady Sarah?”

With a gasp, Sarah turned, one hand clutching at her heart, her eyes wide as she stared up at the gentleman – only to see the concern in Lord Downfield’s eyes.

“I was sure I saw you come in here but I could not find you,” he said, coming a little closer to her, his voice low and quiet. “Lady Sarah, whatever is the matter?”

His hand reached out and took hers, his fingers gentle but his gaze never leaving her own.

“I – I… it does not matter.” Sarah closed her eyes again, taking in a shuddering breath and wishing desperately that he had not seen her enter here. Why did he have to appear when he would bring her only more pain? “Please, do not be concerned.”

“But I am concerned,” he said, all the more fervently. “You have rushed in here and hidden yourself away and now I see that you have been crying. Please.” His thumb ran across the back of her hand, over and over again in a manner that was both soothing and dreadful at the very same time. She wanted to lean into him, to tell him everything, to beg him to reconsider, to see that she was all that he might need but instead, Sarah shook her head.

“It is nothing.”

“Why will you not tell me?” Lord Downfield reached out for the second time but, rather than take her hand, let his fingers drift down her cheek until he gently tilted up her chin, encouraging her to look back at him. “I can be trusted, Lady Sarah.”

“I know you can be."

“Then tell me what brings such tears to your eyes. Is it because I have not yet given you the answer to your third mystery?” The edges of his mouth tipped upwards. “I do have it, however. I know that the lady discovered a Roman villa. That was her remarkable discovery, was it not?”

Sarah managed a small smile in return. “Yes, it was.”

“So,” Lord Downfield continued, with a lift of his shoulders. “Since I have told you of this, since I have given you my answer, you cannot then be sorrowful over my lack of it. Therefore, it must be something else.” His hand fell back to his side rather than cupping her chin and Sarah let out a sigh as he did so, though she turned her head so that he would not hear it. Was this as close as she might ever be to him? As near as she would ever stand? The thought of never again having his hand in hers was so dreadful, Sarah’s heart tore and fresh tears came rushing to her eyes.

“You are distressed and my heart is pained for you,” Lord Downfield exclaimed, albeit in a quiet manner. “Is there nothing I can do to ease your sorrow?”

“You are already doing so,” she whispered, closing her eyes so that the tears there would not come any closer and fall to her cheeks. She sniffed and then opened her eyes, only to start in surprise as she looked up again into Lord Downfield’s face, seeing that he had drawn closer to her.

“I think very highly of you, Sarah,” he said, quietly. “You have shown me so much about myself and yet you have done it with grace, patience and understanding. I want very much to be able to return that in some way.”

Sarah shook her head. “There is no need.”

“No?” He offered her a lop-sided smile. “Mayhap you will accept a book from me this time, then? This is the second time I have seen you in the bookshop and I must believe that there is a reason for that. Given your knowledge about certain things and your understanding on other matters, might I ascertain that you read a great deal?”

Fear pushed aside all of Sarah’s other emotions as she swallowed hard. “I – I will not deny it.”

“Some might call you a bluestocking,” he said, though there was such gentleness in his voice, it did not sound as though he were either mocking or demanding an answer from her. “A most unfortunate term, I think.”

Sarah’s heart began to thud wildly all over again as she licked her lips, trying to find an answer that would not push him away. She did not know whether to accept that from him or not, afraid that whatever she did, his response would be to turn from her.

But what does it matter? If he is going to court Lady Alice then it does not matter to him what I am.

She took in a deep breath and straightened her shoulders, aware of how his thumb still ran over her hand. “Yes, I would be called such a thing, Lord Downfield,” she said, with as much firmness as she dared. “But, if we are friends, if we have a shared respect for each other, then I must beg of you not to speak of that to anyone in society. My mother and father have gone to great lengths to hide such a thing from the ton and… ” She dropped her head, a wave of sadness overwhelming her. “If it was found that I had spoken to any gentleman in all of London about my learning and my reading, if it was made known by my own lips that I am a bluestocking, then my father would return me to his estate and force a match upon me.”

A long and pronounced silence followed this and though Sarah tried thrice to lift her gaze to his, she could not, so great was her fear over what he would say. She dared not look at his expression, did not want to see what was in his eyes for fear it would be censure. Her whole body trembled, only for Lord Downfield to step forward and, much to Sarah’s astonishment, pull her into his arms.

“I can see that this has brought you a great deal of pain,” he murmured, as his arms went around her waist, her head so close to his shoulder that Sarah could not help but rest her head upon it. “I am sorry for it.”

The wave of sadness broke over Sarah all over again and tears began to fall despite her attempts to hold them back. She did not know what she was crying for, whether it was because of the shame her parents had over her bluestocking ways, or over how wonderful this moment was – and how she feared it might never be repeated again.

“The reason I ran from the bookshop before, the reason that I cannot have even a single book in my possession, is because my father has stated quite clearly that if I am found either standing in here or reading a book I have purchased, then I will be married to a gentleman he is acquainted with – a gentleman with a dark disposition who is much too old to be a suitable husband for me,” she told him, the words beginning to fall from her lips as though they had been waiting there for many a day, desperate to be spoken. “I could not bear the thought of that but the absence of reading in my life has been difficult indeed.”

“You should not have to endure such a thing,” Lord Downfield told her, stepping back and letting his hands fall to his sides, leaving Sarah feeling a little cold now, her heart pained that his close embrace had come to an end. “I am sorry for that.”

She tried to smile but failed miserably. “It is quite all right. My parents seek to find me a match and have stated that no gentleman wishes to have a bluestocking for a bride.” Her heart ripped all over again as Lord Downfield frowned and looked away. “You must hope that Lady Alice has not done a great deal of reading.”

The moment those words left her mouth, Sarah flushed hot, horrified with her own rushed reply. The pain in her heart had brought those words to her and she had let them fall without even thinking. Taking a step back from him, she bobbed a curtsy, her face hot, her mind screaming at her to take her leave.

“Forgive me. I ought not to pry. Do excuse me, Lord Downfield.”

“Wait.”

His hand reached out and caught hers, pulling her back gently. Sarah swallowed her tears as she tried to gaze into his eyes but found the intensity there far too great to manage. Instead, she contented herself by looking somewhere near his left shoulder, her heart clamoring still.

“You think that Lady Alice… ” Lord Downfield let out a hiss of breath, released her arm and then shoved his hand through his hair, his fingers raking through it. “Of course you do, for I have given you that impression.”

“I – I do not have anything to say on that matter,” Sarah stammered, a little confused as to why he appeared so upset. “Forgive me, I should not have said a word about the lady. It is your own choice and – ”

“I have no interest in Lady Alice. None whatsoever.”

Sarah blinked, her eyes rounding in surprise.

“It is my own foolish self,” Lord Downfield grated, throwing up his hands as he stepped away from her and then turned to come directly back towards her. “For years, I have been determined to make myself the most notable, the most talked about, the most excellent of gentlemen in all of London. I fought hard to keep my reputation excellent but I reveled in the attentions of others, though I have never had any intention of pursuing any of the young ladies who offered me their smiles.” He scowled and Sarah looked away, not quite certain how she was to respond to such a thing.

“Lady Alice offered me more of the same,” he continued, a little darkly. “She did not know it, of course, but her conversation, her interest in me was all that I have been seeking for the last few Seasons, for it elevates me to a new position in society; one where I am favoured by the Duke and Duchess. Yet – and I am ashamed to say it – my interest in Lady Alice was only in what her connection with me might offer. Last evening, at the ball, I was informed that Lady Alice was hopeful not only of speaking with me but dancing with me also, and I fought hard against all that was familiar to me. But I lost that battle and, in doing so, caused you sorrow.”

“You did not,” Sarah answered quickly, trying to brush away the question.

“Yes, I did,” Lord Downfield murmured, his voice growing softer now as he came closer to her – closer than he had ever been before. His head lowered and he looked deeply into her eyes, his breath brushing lightly across her cheek. “I know that I did.”

Sarah could not breathe, nor could she move. All she could do was look up into the Marquess’ face, everything else falling away. Her worries about her parents finding her in the bookshop, the niggling worry about confessing that she was a bluestocking… all of it faded to nothing. All that mattered in this one moment was Lord Downfield and how close he stood to her.

“Sarah,” Lord Downfield breathed, his fingers tentative as they skated lightly across her cheek, then down the column of her neck to her shoulder. It was as though, in saying her name, he was asking her a question, a question that she was suddenly desperate to answer.

“I do not hold anything against you, Lord Downfield, if that is what concerns you,” she said, softly. “I can assure you that there is nothing that has, as yet, pushed me away from you. In fact, the only desire in my heart at present is to… ” She closed her eyes and trembled, knowing the weight these next few words carried. “The only desire in my heart is to draw closer to you.”

Lord Downfield snatched in a breath and Sarah opened her eyes, suddenly afraid that she had spoken too boldly, that this nearness of him to her meant something else entirely – and then, his mouth was on hers.

The worry, the uncertainty and the confusion all faded as she leaned into his kiss, her hands going up to his shoulders and then around his neck, seemingly of their own accord. One of his arms went around her waist but the other made its way to the nape of her neck, his fingers edging up into her hair. A light tingling spread all through her and she softened all the more against him, feeling herself a little weak at the sensations which coursed through her.

And then, the bell above the bookshop door clanged, telling them that someone else had stepped into the bookshop and the moment was gone. Lord Downfield lifted his head, sighed gently and then pulled back from her, letting her disentangle herself from his arms.

“I do not want to apologise for that, Lady Sarah, but I certainly shall not do such a thing again, not without making my intentions clear.” Lord Downfield looked down into her eyes but then stepped back, bowing his head. “Forgive me. I should – I must… ” His expression grew confused as he frowned, then rubbed one hand over his eyes. “Forgive me,” he said again. “I shall take my leave of you now and spend some time considering what now must be done. I was not expecting for such an intimacy to take place between us.”

“Nor was I,” Sarah answered, her voice thready and a little weak as she fought to understand what he was doing in rushing away from her in such a hasty fashion. “But that does not mean that you must hurry away from me now, Lord Downfield. Surely we can continue to speak, to talk about our feelings and what we have just shared.” Stepping closer to him again, she put one hand on his arm, gazing up into his eyes. “My heart has been yearning for a closeness with you for some time, my desire for your company growing ever stronger. In truth, Lord Downfield, I believe that my affections for you are increasing steadily and I do not want to be parted from you.” She spoke with both honesty and a little desperation, seeing the frown on his face and how his eyes darted away from hers as though he did not want any longer to be as close to her as he had been.

“I did not mean to kiss you,” he said, quietly. “I must go and think about all of this now. Forgive me for stepping away from you so quickly, Lady Sarah. I swear to you that I shall not be too long in my considerations.”

Without another word, without so much as another glance towards her, Lord Downfield turned and made his way from her side with seeming haste. Sarah swallowed hard, the tears which had been in her eyes only a few moments ago now returning with an even greater strength. She had felt herself overwhelmed with happiness to be kissed by Lord Downfield, had practically melted into his arms and now he had stepped away from her, telling her that he needed to think, needed to consider all that he felt and had shared with her? That did not bring her any joy, leaving her – instead – with a deep emptiness and sorrow instead of the remarkable delight she had felt before when she had been caught up in his arms. Closing her eyes, Sarah pulled out her handkerchief and, for what was the second time in only a short space of time, wiped away her heavy tears.