Page 34 of Embrace the Darkness
“We could watch a movie while we eat. I’ll let you pick,” I said, deflecting.
He sighed and rolled over to pick up the phone on my nightstand. He only hit one button, which I assumed was the pre-programmed number for the kitchen. Someone picked up and he told whoever it was, likely Jeana, that we’d like dinner brought up to my room. The food arrived shortly after he hung up. It was Italian and smelled delicious. We ate on the couch as we watched TV.
“You’re the only one Stefan allows to get away with shit. He’d never let anyone else avoid him because we weren’t ready to talk. One time, he sent me to some dude’s hospital room, demanding to know what happened. The guy had just gotten out of surgery after being shot in the chest.”
“He’ll interrogate me when he finds time to check on me,” I argued, sounding bitter. The last time I got hurt like this, five days had passed before he'd come to check on me and that time I had been raped. This time I wasn’t going to hold my breath.
“He came to check on you an hour after you fell asleep,” he said. He must have seen my surprise because he gave me a tight smile. “He’s trying.”
I nodded, agreeing.
“He tried not to show it, but he was worried about you. You scared the shit out of us. You’ve never acted like that after…”
After killing someone.
I placed my fork down on my plate before setting the plate on the coffee table. “I’m surprised you aren’t mad at me.”
Jamie narrowed his eyes, perplexed. “Why would I be mad at you?”
“Because I killed him. I provoked him.”
“He put his hands on you,” he said as if that made it okay.
My stomach churned with guilt. “He didn’t know who I was.”
He shook his head. “You know that doesn’t matter. Don’t forget who you are—who we are,” he said, eyes boring into mine. “Stefan would have made him suffer before he killed him to set an example.”
I picked at the bottom of my shirt as I thought out how to say what I needed to say next. Jamie deserved to know, and I needed to talk about it. I took a deep breath and I just blurted it out. “I liked it. Killing him.”
He stayed quiet, being patient, sensing I had more to say.
“It was so easy, pulling the trigger. Too easy. It was a rush, like that first high from a new drug or an orgasm. It was satisfying but left me wanting more.” I kneaded the back of my neck with my fingers, trying to ease the tension and help stop the heat making its way up to my cheeks.I just compared killing people to orgasming.I dropped my eyes and went back to fiddling with the hem of my shirt again. “Feeling all that felt wrong, or it should. Zack, Tyson, Tom, Tina, they all hurt me, deeply. In my mind, I figured killing them was a kind of twisted form of self-defense and therefore justified. Today, though, all that guy did was hit me after I provoked him. He didn’t hurt me deeply, even if that fucking backhand gave me some real fucked up flashbacks. One second I was standing there with him holding onto me and the next I was seventeen, being held down on that goddamned bathroom floor. It was the same exact hit to the face that gave Zack and Tyson the upper hand to take me down.” I shook my head in disbelief. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that killing him—Greg, I couldn’t justify it, but I didn’t care. Realizing that, I felt guilty for not feeling guilty. I began battling with myself. I fought to hold onto the guilt because it’s what you’re supposed to feel when you murder someone. It was so difficult. The urge to enjoy the high was easy as breathing, but I knewif I gave into it, that’d mean I’m a monster. My mind just snapped.”
Jamie set his plate on the coffee table next to mine before scooting closer. Fingers curled under my chin, gently forcing me to look up at him “You’re not a monster,” he said with so much conviction. “Do you think I’m a monster?”
“No.” I didn’t hesitate in answering. He would never be a monster to me no matter how bloody his hands ever got.
His hand moved up to cup my uninjured cheek. I couldn’t stop myself from leaning into it, loving the feel of his strength and the comfort it provided. “We’re not good people, Maura. We’re the fucking mob. Those who don’t learn to enjoy what we do don’t survive in our world.”
“What if I go crazy? What if I can’t stop?”
He gave me an incredulous look.“You’ve always been crazy. I think you’ll be fine.”
I rolled my eyes, then sighed, deciding to let it go because I trusted him.
“Did Stefan tell you he wants me to start shadowing him?” I got my answer when his face became veiled and he dropped his hand. He knew, but didn’t know what he could let on without breaking Stefan’s confidence or thecode of honor. I would never push him. I understood where his loyalties had to be. “I’m going to do it.”
“Are you sure?”
“What else am I supposed to do? Get married and pop out a few kids? That’s not who I am.”
“You could finish school and get a normal job while still being part of this family. I don’t think you understand what you’re getting yourself into, Maura. Knowing everything this side entails… it’s not easy. It’s bloody and it’s dangerous.”
“I can’t do normal. I tried for six years and I hated every fucking minute of it,” I finally admitted out loud and it felt good. “I’ve already considered the repercussions and worked through my apprehensions. Even if there’s a chance I might regret it later, I still want to do it because I know for a fact, I will regret it now if I don’t.”
Silence stretched between us as he mulled over my words. I waited for him patiently. When he found a reason within himself to accept my decision, he sighed and nodded.
CHAPTER 16