Page 60 of Denim & Diamonds

The phone rang once, twice, and I felt more and more panicked. I wanted nothing more than to hang up, but my desire to figure things out with Brock was stronger than my need to run away. I thought I was about to get a reprieve when the fourth ring came, but then my dad’s voice came on the line.

“February?”

“Yeah, uh, hi, Dad.”

“This is a nice surprise.” He paused. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes. Well, pretty much.”

“Are you home or at the office?”

“I’m actually up in Meadowbrook, visiting Brock.”

The last time I’d spoken to my dad, I’d told him I’d started seeing someone. He didn’t know about Patrick or anything else that had gone down recently, and this was definitely not the time to fill him in.

“Oh? Things between you two getting serious then?”

I didn’t have to ponder that answer. Things between Brock and me had been serious from almost the first day we met, whether I wanted to admit it or not. “Yeah, they are.”

“That’s good. I’m happy if you’re—”

I interrupted him. “I need to ask you something, Dad.”

“Anything.”

“Do you have regrets in life?”

“About hurting you, definitely.”

“No, that’s not what I meant. Do you have regrets about cheating on Mom? For leaving her?”

“I didn’t leave your mom. She asked me to leave.”

“That’s semantics.”

“Maybe. But it’s an important distinction. Because if your mom could’ve forgiven me for being a terrible husband, I would never have left. She’s the love of my life, and that’s never changed—divorce and all.”

I felt a lump in my throat and swallowed. “Yet you cheated on her and hurt her anyway.”

The line went quiet for a long time. “I did a lot of things I’m not proud of, February. And over the years, I’ve asked myself many times why I would do such a stupid thing.”

“And…”

“I think I acted that way because I was immature and had low self-esteem. Feeling wanted by someone who wasn’t my wife made me feel like a man.” He blew a breath into the phone. “That’s embarrassing to say, but it’s the truth.”

“Okay…”

“Do you have any other questions?” Dad asked.

“I don’t think so.”

“Do you mind if I ask you one, then?”

“I don’t know. I guess it depends on what it is.”

“What prompted this call today? Are you afraid this new guy is going to cheat?”

I sighed. “No. I think I’m just afraid of getting hurt again. The two men I counted on most left me.”

My father’s voice cracked. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, sweetheart. I wish you could find a way to forgive me. Not because I deserve it, but because you deserve to not let the hurt control your decisions anymore.”

** *

A day after Brock and Patrick were discharged, I notified work that I had a family emergency and would be out of the office for at least the next week.

The christening had rightfully been postponed, and I wanted these next few days to be restful for all of us.

The realization of what he’d been through in the past forty-eight hours seemed to hit Brock in waves.

Even though he and the baby had managed to escape the accident almost unscathed, I’d noticed him deep in thought a lot since we returned home and could only imagine the fear in his head about what could’ve happened.

He seemed to be having one such moment right now as he sat next to me on the couch, looking up at the ceiling while Patrick lay sleeping on my chest.

“I spoke to my dad yesterday,” I said, interrupting his thoughts.

“Yeah?” He turned to me. “How was that?”

“He told me I deserve to not let hurt control my decisions anymore. And he’s right. So much of why I cling to my independence is because I don’t want to get hurt. It’s a shield.”

Brock reached for my hand. The love I felt for them both practically burst through me, along with a clarity I hadn’t experienced before now.

“Brock, all this time…I never really left you.”

“How do you mean?”

“Even when we were apart, you were all I thought about. No part of my heart actually left you. We were supposed to be just friends, but my feelings for you never changed. It didn’t matter what I tried to tell myself about the status of our relationship, I still loved you.

And I think for the first time in my life, I understand what love is—an unwavering feeling you can’t shake just because you want to or think you should.

It’s not something you can control. It just is . ”

“Yeah, Red.” He smiled. “I’ve learned the same thing over these past months.”

“I don’t want you to think I’m saying this because of the accident. This was how I felt long before that. I’ve just been afraid to accept my feelings because that would mean making some major life changes. But I see now that I don’t have a choice. Because living without you isn’t an option.”

Brock looked down at his son. “What about him? Because there is no me without him.”

My chest tightened. “Do you think he’d be willing to accept half a mother?”

“What do you mean half a mother?”

“I mean, if I keep my business, I’d be traveling back and forth a lot.

I don’t want to give up anything, Brock.

I don’t want to give up my career. I don’t want to give up you.

And I don’t want to give up Patrick, either.

I want it all. But that means not being perfect at any one thing.

I’ll be trying my best, even if spread thin. Do you think he’d accept that?”

Brock looked at me for a moment. “Red, you’ve been gone for weeks, and look at him right now. He’s so relaxed with you. He trusts you. You comfort him. If he’s anything like me, he’d take half of you over a whole of anything else any day.”

My heart filled with hope. “I want to do this. I want to do the best I can for all of us.”

He nodded and squeezed my hand. “You don’t need to be anything for him and me, other than you .

I love the independent woman you are. And I was fully prepared to raise him on my own.

So you wanting to be in the equation? That’s a huge bonus.

And I promise you don’t need to give us all your time.

You just have to love us.” His eyes glowed. “Think you can do that?”

“I can do that.” I sniffled. “I love you, Brock.”

“I love you too, Red. So much.”

I rubbed my hand along Patrick’s back. “And I love him, too.”

“I know you do. I can see it in your eyes when you look at him. It’s the same way you look at me.

That’s how I know.” He paused. “But you also need to promise to take care of yourself in the process and not get too stressed about the logistics. You don’t need to be everything to everyone.

We just need to enjoy each other with whatever time we have together and let go of trying too hard to fit all the pieces of our lives into a perfect box.

They’ll fall into place on their own in due time. ”

I shook my head. “I don’t know if I can totally avoid being stressed. It’s in my nature. So is perfectionism.”

Brock caressed my face. “I’ll tell you what. When we move into the cabin, and you’re feeling overwhelmed, I’ll put a ladder by the window of our bedroom. I know a bar in town. You can sneak out for a breather whenever you want. As long as you come back.” He smirked. “Deal?”

I beamed. “Deal, Lumberjack.”