Page 55 of Denim & Diamonds

As silence filled the air, I felt a little awkward because she seemed like she expected me to say something else. Meanwhile, I was just ready to be left alone with my son. The longer she stayed in place, the more I got a vibe that maybe she was interested in more than babysitting for me.

Is it my imagination?

“Before I forget like a dumbass, here…” I reached into my pocket to hand her some cash.

When she still wasn’t getting ready to go, I added, “I can’t thank you enough for watching him. Think I’m gonna give him a bottle now.”

Finally, she walked ever so slowly toward the door. “You have my number if you ever need anything after hours.”

“Yes. Thank you. Hopefully I won’t have to use it.”

“Well…I mean, if you ever want to just talk , too. I’m here. Doesn’t need to be an emergency.”

Talk. Right. Great. “Okay.” I smiled politely. “Noted.”

After she left, relief washed over me. Finally alone again with my little boy.

I fed Patrick a bottle before he fell asleep in my arms. Appreciating the break, I placed him carefully in the playpen I’d set up and cracked open a beer.

Oak came over to comfort me as I sat leaning back in my kitchen chair.

Reaching down, I rubbed between his ears. “Hey, buddy. I was so busy with your brother, I didn’t even ask how your day was.”

He dropped to the floor and rolled around as I scratched his belly. “You’re such a good boy, Oak.”

He growled.

A moment later, I got a FaceTime call.

February.

My pulse sped up. I answered as quickly as possible to avoid waking Patrick .

“Hey…” I said in a low voice.

“Hi… Is everything okay?”

She looked so beautiful, wearing a red dress with matching lipstick. She had on a simple strand of pearls.

“Yeah. Everything is fine. Why do you ask?”

Was she able to see it on my face?

“You look a little down,” she said.

“It’s been a long day. I was working, and Patrick was with a new sitter. It sucked to leave him.”

She tilted her head. “How did that go?”

“Seemed to go well. I’ll probably use her again.”

“Is this a good time to talk?”

I peeked over to make sure Patrick remained sleeping. “He actually fell asleep after I gave him a bottle, so you called at a good time.”

“Good.”

“Did you call for a specific reason or just to check in?”

“Just wanted to see how you were doing.”

As silence filled the air, we stared at each other. I don’t know what came over me, but I felt it was time to cut the shit and get to the point.

“Actually, I can’t stop thinking about what happened when we parted ways a few days ago. What I said. And what I maybe shouldn’t have said.”

Her face turned red. “Brock, I—”

“Wait. I’d like to finish. Okay?”

“Okay…” She swallowed.

“I’ve been stewing over it, you know? Not because you didn’t return the sentiment.

But because I never should’ve said those words.

” I exhaled. “I never should’ve put you in a position where you had to respond to that.

I was sending you mixed messages to begin with.

Earlier, I’d told you I’d understand if you walked away.

Then I go and tell you I love you? I can understand why you’d be confused.

And I appreciate the fact that you didn’t say anything you don’t really mean in return.

If you were ever to say those words to me, I’d want you to mean it. And if you don’t, you don’t.”

“Brock…”

“It was fucking stupid of me. And I’m sorry.”

To my surprise, her eyes began to water. I hated that I’d made her cry, but I was crying inside right now, too. As much as I tried to remain strong, I was fucking hurting. Because I was losing her.

I finally let her get a word in.

“It’s all I’ve been able to think about, Brock.

And to think you believe I didn’t say it back because I don’t feel it too is killing me.

That’s not it at all. I held back out of fear, afraid of the message it would send if I were honest about how strong my feelings are for you.

I’ve come to realize that my feelings are not necessarily what’s most important right now.

What’s important is protecting you and Patrick.

Having spent those couple of days with you made me realize how difficult a situation this is.

Imagine if he got attached to me, only to have me not there anymore.

I wasn’t expecting to feel so connected to him. And honestly, that scares me.”

“I respect that, Feb. I respect that you think before you speak and that you’ve been contemplating how our actions will affect my son.”

She sniffled. “Where do we go from here?”

“I can’t imagine a life without you in it.

” I paused. “But if you don’t think you can commit to being part of my son’s life, there really is no choice but for us to take a break.

Even if we tried to keep our relationship separate from everything else going on in my life, that’s not realistic.

There is no separation between Patrick and me.

We’re a package deal. Anyone in my life is in his life by default.

He’s already lost his mother. It’s too much of a risk to have him fall in love and lose you, too.

Because he would fall in love with you, Red.

Just like I did. It’s impossible not to. ”

She closed her eyes for a moment.

“So, maybe what we do is take a step back right now,” I continued. “Remain friends. And do the best we can with that.” I shook my head. “I don’t know.”

She kept nodding for a while and finally said the words I didn’t want to hear.

“I agree. That’s what’s best. For real this time.”

My heart clenched. “Not sure I know how to do this, but we’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah.” She wiped her eyes. “Me, neither.”

We hung up a few minutes later, and I stared into space for the longest time, trying to make sense of how I was supposed to be friends with this woman.

It seemed like torture, but never seeing her again and losing her entirely wasn’t an option.

But friends or not, we’d just broken up. For real this time.

And that sucked.