Page 42 of Denim & Diamonds

Brock

I picked up February’s note for the fifth time and re-read it, looking for a hidden meaning.

Brock,

Didn’t want to wake you so I took an Uber to the airport.

Talk soon.

X

Feb

P.S. Relax and breathe. You’re going to be a great dad.

While the words were kind, I couldn’t move past the ones that were missing—words like we and us . And talk soon wasn’t the same as see you soon .

My cell phone rang, and hope flickered in my heart. But finding Nina flashing quickly extinguished the optimism. I debated not answering for the first two rings, but she wasn’t something I could avoid, so I swiped.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Brock. How are you?”

“I’ve been better.”

Nina sighed through the phone. “I got a copy of the results yesterday, so I assume you did, too.”

“I did.”

“I was trying to give you a little time, but I need to get back home. My doctor was against me traveling this late in my pregnancy, and I had to hide my belly when I boarded the plane because I read that some airlines won’t let you fly after thirty-six weeks.”

Jesus Christ, I hadn’t thought of any of that.

What the hell would she do if she went into labor here?

Deliver with a stranger who didn’t know her history?

Did she even have a pregnancy history? Any medical issues with her or the baby?

There was a lot I hadn’t thought about. “Right, yeah. You need to take care of yourself.”

“I’m booked on a seven PM flight tonight. Do you think we could get together for lunch today?”

The last thing I wanted to do was have lunch with my very pregnant ex, but I didn’t have a choice. Time wasn’t going to stop so I could get used to this shit. “Yeah, sure. The Clubhouse Grill okay?”

“Perfect. How about noon?”

I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. “I’ll be there.”

***

Nina was already seated when I walked into the restaurant. Her hands rested on the top of her belly. I couldn’t take my eyes off it as I took the chair across from her.

“How are you feeling?” I asked .

“Like a snowman who ate too many cookies.” She patted her stomach. “This guy is already over eight pounds. The only good thing about that is the doctor won’t let me go past my due date. They’re going to induce me on the first if I don’t go into labor by then.”

I smiled half-heartedly. “I weighed nine pounds, thirteen ounces.”

Nina smiled back. “I knew it was your fault. Seeing the size of your shoulders right now is also a reminder I didn’t need.”

We both grew quiet. There was so much to say, so much to figure out, but I had no clue where to begin. Luckily, Nina jumped in.

“I don’t mean to rush you, but have you decided what you’re going to do?”

“I’m not letting a stranger take my child.”

Nina’s shoulders relaxed, and she laid her hand over her heart. “Oh my God. I’m so relieved. You will be such a good father to this baby.”

“I’ll take full custody, but would you consider being in your son’s life in some way? Maybe do the every-other-weekend thing? I can bring him to you, or I’ll get you an apartment here. A kid needs a mother, Nina.”

Her face fell, and she shook her head. “I can’t, Brock. I need to make a clean break or I’ll never move on.”

“How the hell can you do that?”

“It’s not a decision I’ve made lightly. I’ve had months to think about what I should do, and I’ve thought long and hard about what’s best for this baby.

It may seem like a selfish decision to you, but I promise it’s not.

I’m giving up this little boy because it’s best for him.

A child should not be raised by someone who is just doing the right thing .

He should be raised by someone who wants him and is ready to dedicate their life to parenthood.

I never wanted a child, Brock. I never planned to be a mother. ”

I could see pain etched in her face, and it made me feel like shit for using such an accusatory tone.

Whether I liked her decision or not, it couldn’t have been an easy one to make.

“I’m sorry. Having a child is your choice as much as it is mine.

I shouldn’t have questioned your decision.

” I meant the words I said, but a small part of me still clung to hope.

Maybe she’d have a change of heart after she saw the baby.

Maybe she’d warm up to the idea and we’d be able to co-parent.

“I’ll take full custody, but if you ever reconsider and want to be involved… ”

Nina smiled sadly. “I’m not going to, Brock. I’m moving to England as soon as the baby’s born.”

“England?” My neck pulled back. “What’s in England?”

“I took a position there. It’s with the same company I’ve worked for the last five years, but it’s a promotion into a different division. I already have the movers and my flight booked. I’m leaving a week after I deliver, if I go full term. I need a fresh start.”

I suddenly felt like my sweatshirt was too tight. I pulled at the neck. Nina either didn’t notice how panicked I felt, or she was doing a damn good job of ignoring it, because she plucked some papers from her purse and got right down to business.

“I typed up my medical history and all the history I know about my parents and grandparents. Both my grandfather and dad had diabetes, and I had borderline gestational diabetes, so you should probably keep an eye on the baby’s blood sugar.

But other than that, most of the diseases in my family are from lifestyle choices, like drinking and smoking.

” She slid the papers over to me and held up a finger.

“Oh, and while we’re talking about medical stuff, do you want the baby to be circumcised? ”

I blinked a few times. “Shouldn’t he be?”

“The doctor said getting it done reduces the risk of urinary tract infections and also lowers the incidence rate of penile cancer when he gets older.”

“Penile cancer?”

“Also, do you want to be at the birth? I’m delivering at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston.

” She pointed to the papers in my hand as if my head wasn’t spinning.

“That address and all of my doctor’s contact information is on the third page there.

But I can call you when I go into labor, if you plan on trying to come. ”

“Okay…”

“And names. You’ll need a name for the birth certificate when I’m in the hospital. I assume you’ll use Hawkins for the last name, but you’ll need a first and middle. That is, if you want a middle one. I don’t think that’s required. Do you have any names in mind yet?”

“Uh, not really.”

She smiled. “I always loved your grandfather’s name, Patrick Hawkins. It has such a warm ring to it.”

I stared at her like she had two heads. Still, she went on…

“The last page has a list of items you’ll need, things like a car seat, a swing, a baby monitor.

I realize this is a lot to take in, but we don’t have too much time, so I thought I’d try to help in whatever way I can.

I also put a few websites on one of those pages—a nanny service in the area that has very good reviews and an agency that can find you a wet nurse if you choose to go that route. ”

I felt my entire face wrinkle. “What the hell is a wet nurse?”

“It’s a woman who’ll breastfeed a baby when the mother isn’t available.”

“That’s…a thing? Why not just feed it formula?”

Nina smiled sadly. “Breastmilk is rich in antibodies that can help protect a baby from infection.” She reached into her purse and pulled out What to Expect When You’re Expecting .

There were dozens of colorful tabs sticking out from the side.

“I also marked some pages I thought you might want to read. The section about wet nurses is one of them.”

I started to feel dizzy, but powered through as best I could.

Mostly I seemed to repeat things Nina said, and I was mentally kicking myself in the ass for not bringing a notebook and pen to write shit down.

At least I didn’t have to do much talking.

Nina yapped all through lunch and then through the tiramisu she ordered, too.

By the time the waiter came over with the check, I felt desperate to go outside and get some fresh air.

I started to get up, but Nina put both hands on her stomach.

“He’s awake.”

“Awake?”

She nodded. “Apparently the baby’s size isn’t the only thing he got from his father. He’s a very active little boy. I’m surprised he stopped rolling around and kicking while I ate lunch.” Nina looked down and rubbed her belly before looking up. “Would you like to feel him?”

The thought scared the shit out of me, yet I found myself nodding.

Nina took my hand and positioned it on the lower left side of her swollen belly.

A few seconds later, I felt a flutter, followed by a very distinct tap.

Then another and another. It almost felt like the little guy was knocking from the inside, asking if he could come out.

It was the most surreal moment of my life.

“That’s him?”

Nina smiled and nodded.

My eyes filled with tears. I was terrified and confused and a million other emotions, but in that moment, something ignited within me. That’s my baby boy.