Page 44 of Denim & Diamonds

After I hung up, it occurred to me that if I took this trip to Milan, it would likely be during the time Brock’s son would be born.

Wouldn’t I want to travel to meet the baby?

Help Brock? That depended on whether Brock wanted me there.

Then again, even if he did, it might not be in Brock’s best interest for me to lead him on if I wasn’t going to be there day in and day out—for the long haul.

My heart had been aching all day, ever since shopping for baby items. The rational part of me knew it was best not to involve myself much further. A huge part of my heart, on the other hand, begged to differ.

I needed a distraction. I opened my laptop and began googling photos of Milan to try to psych myself up for a potential trip to Italy next week .

High-fashion mecca…great food…a freaking villa?

This is exactly what you need, February—get away and forget about Brock and babies.

Let Brock handle what he needs to because the sooner he gets used to life as a single parent without you around, the better.

Go as far away as you can.

This trip to Milan would be a godsend.

I had to laugh for a moment when I noticed the two separate windows open on my computer.

They represented the two parts of my life right now.

One was Milan, with endless possibilities in terms of my career.

And the other? My completed order of baby items for Brock, which represented my continued desire to be tied to him, even if that was a dead-end road.

I opened a third window and started googling information about women who left their careers behind for men they loved.

I ended up in an online chat forum. A woman had posted about leaving her tech job to move across the country to be with her boyfriend, who happened to be a single dad.

The end of the post simply said, wish me luck . The entry was dated last year.

Did she regret it? I typed into the comment section: Any update? How did it go? Are you still together? I knew I probably wouldn’t get a response, so I closed the screen and went about my evening.

A FaceTime call from Brock came in just as I was getting ready for bed.

“Hey, you,” I said in greeting.

“I wanted to thank you again for placing that order for me.”

I’d forwarded Brock the confirmation numbers, so he knew what he’d be receiving and could track the shipments .

“It was truly my pleasure,” I said, plopping down on my bed, stomach first.

“I don’t know if you could tell earlier when we were on the phone, but I was basically having a panic attack at the store. And you freaking saved me, Red.”

“I could see it in your eyes, Brock. No one should have to go through what you are, preparing for such a big life change with almost no notice.”

“You really sent me a lifeline today. I was able to go to the worksite and get a ton done because I wasn’t lost in that store, crippled by my fear, incapable of making simple decisions for the whole day.” He paused. “Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me again. I wanted to do it. It was kind of fun in a weird way. No matter what happens with us, if you ever need me, I’m here.”

Sadness crossed his face, but he shook his head, seeming to force himself out of the funk. “I moved some things around in my apartment. Wanna see?”

I moved to sit up against my headboard. “Show me.”

He turned the camera so I could see the room.

“Wow. The crib’s up?”

“I figured I’d put him in this corner.”

Then the camera panned up to the wall above where the baby would be sleeping.

My mouth dropped open. “Get that deer head off the wall near his crib!”

“What? I figured he’d like a furry friend watching over him.” Brock laughed. “No?”

“Are you kidding? He’ll wake up in the middle of the night, look at that thing, and think he’s having a nightmare! ”

Brock chuckled as he continued the tour of his makeshift nursery.

“Where did you get that bureau?” I asked.

“I built it myself a few years ago. I’d had it in storage. I’m pretty bad at all the small things, but furniture? I’ve got that covered.”

“And the crib? You didn’t make that, did you?”

He shook his head. “Bought it. Pretty much the only thing I was sure I needed and didn’t require help with. I put it together yesterday.” He moved the phone toward the floor. “Check out this rug.”

It was a big fuzzy bear rug.

“A bear. Perfect. Fits in great with the rest of the décor.”

“I thought so.” He grinned.

“Might as well introduce him to taxidermy and bears young.” I chuckled. “You’ve gotten more accomplished than I imagined. Good job.”

“Talk to me when I’m trying to figure out how to use all that stuff you ordered. This furniture is the extent of my expertise.”

“One day at a time. You’ll figure it out,” I assured him.

I closed my eyes for a moment. Sadness washed over me as I once again reminded myself that during all those days he’d be experiencing “one day at a time,” I wouldn’t be there. And when I opened my eyes, I saw the same sadness reflected back at me.

“Talk to me, Brock.”

He let out a long breath. “I should be more excited. It’s like I don’t know how to feel. One moment I’m okay, and the next, I feel completely panicked.”

“That’s called shock. ”

“Yeah, maybe.” He frowned.

“Just because you feel a certain way now doesn’t mean you’ll still feel that way when he’s here. I bet things will fall into place in a way you can’t imagine.”

Brock sighed. “I just feel like he deserves a better reception than a big, scared goon who doesn’t know what he’s doing—on top of having no mom.”

My chest felt raw. “Think of the alternative, Brock. If you’d told her you didn’t want to raise him, then what?

I’m sure he would’ve found a loving home eventually, but he wouldn’t have had either of his parents.

He’s gonna be so lucky to have you for a dad.

And while I know nothing will make up for the fact that his mother isn’t around, being with you is the next best thing to having both parents.

When he’s old enough, he’s going to appreciate that his dad dropped everything to be the best father he could be. ”

His eyes seared into mine. “I did have to drop everything, didn’t I?” He swallowed. “I lost you.”

“You didn’t lose me. You just…” I hesitated as silence filled the air and I felt myself shutting down. I had no idea how to finish that thought. “I’d better go. It’s late.”

“Okay.” He smiled sadly. “Thanks again for today.”

“Anytime, Brock.”

After we hung up, I walked over to shut down my laptop, but before I logged out of my email, I noticed a notification. I’d received a response to my question in that forum from the woman who’d left her career to move across the country with her single-dad boyfriend.

But I was too damn afraid to click on it. So I shut my laptop and crawled into bed .

As I drifted off to sleep, an image of those little plaid footie pajamas floated into my brain. I smiled, equally lovestruck and pained by the reality of what never could be.

Baby Lumberjack.