Page 39 of Deep Blue Lies

THIRTY-EIGHT

So. Several New Year’s Resolutions. Number One, I’m giving up smoking.

I think I can do it when I’m sober. The problem is going out, it’s almost impossible to not want a fag when other people are smoking.

Number Two: I’m going to learn Greek. I think it would be way useful, particularly if I’m going to do another summer on Alythos.

Three. Diary. I didn’t exactly succeed in writing this every day, but it’s good to have a record of things, and reading this back, there’s loads of nights I might remember better if I’d written about them.

So this year I’m really gonna make an effort.

On that note, here goes for a catch up of the last week or so:

Christmas was dull-as. I was at home the whole time, and we barely did anything. Just ate, drank, and watched TV. I went out a couple of times with my old school friends, but I feel like I’ve moved on from them. Like, because I’ve been abroad, and they haven’t? Home just feels…small.

Dad’s still way pissed off about me crashing out of uni. Him and Mum want me to go back. But I keep telling them I do actually have a job, in Alythos – it just doesn’t start till April. They don’t seem impressed though.

I wish Imogen lived closer. I tried to get her to come and visit, but the tickets are too expensive. I miss her.

January 9 th

I’m temping in an office that processes insurance claims. It’s sooooo boring. I just sit there all day, typing numbers into a computer. Honestly, a monkey could do it. Actually, it couldn’t – it would die of boredom.

Got an email from Imogen today. She says she’s not sure she wants to go back to Alythos anymore. I phoned her straight away – even though it costs a fortune – and it turns out she’s worried about being there if she’s not with Kostas.

So I told her there are loads of other guys, and they’ll probably get back together anyway, because they were so good together. Which is probably a lie. I thought about telling her to promise him a blowjob if they got back together, because that would probably help.

Anyway, I had to beg her, tell her I wasn’t going to go if she didn’t, and that would ruin my life, and in the end she said alright.

January 10 th

Night out with the girls. Don’t actually remember getting home. My head hurts now.

I stop reading and count on my fingers. August, September, October, November, December, January.

Shit. Mum would have been five months pregnant at this time.

Surely she’d have noticed? And if so, shouldn’t she have slowed down on the drinking?

I mean, a little bit? Maybe this explains some of my issues?

Like why I find it hard to concentrate sometimes? Why I sometimes feel so down?

For God’s sake .

I read on.