Page 35 of Deep Blue Lies

THIRTY-FOUR

As Mum gets closer to the month of August, I’m getting this sense of – I don’t know – dread?

Like, is this really how I want to find out the name of my father?

How am I gonna feel if he’s just some kid, like a drunken one-night stand?

And what if he’s literally a teenage tourist?

Plus, it’s actually quite hard to keep up, there’s so many, and sometimes the first I hear about them is when she breaks up.

I don’t know, for some reason, even though Mum wouldn’t ever say anything about who my dad is, I still imagined him as a proper grown up – like someone I could maybe meet one day.

And like – there’d be meaning behind me.

A moment of something that meant something to her.

But from her diary, it’s obvious how immature she was, just partying around.

I mean, I guess it’s fine – I’m not judging her.

Not too much. Like, she’s lived the life she’s lived and that’s fine by me, but I just want to find out where I fit into it. Is that too much to ask?

But I keep reading, and then there’s a problem.