Page 3 of Deep Blue Lies

TWO

I meet Kevin at The Hub cafe. Or rather, Kevin and two of his mates, Sam and a guy called Fraz, who regularly reminds me that people call him The Frazster.

“Hey Ava.” Kev gives me his smile, and just the slightest raise of his eyebrows, so I assume he’s been wondering how it went.

I stare at him, blinking a little. “No. Hey Kev, can we…maybe have a word?”

“It’s because he knew it would put this pressure on himself,” Fraz goes on. “You know? Because of the consequences if he crashed it. You manufacture your own pressure, so it pushes you harder to succeed.” I flash a look in his direction, willing him to shut up.

“Kev?”

“Sure.” Kev studies my face, then nods. “There’s some tables over there.”

The Hub is in a big hall, only about a third full, so there’s space for a private talk. Kev carries his tray with sandwiches. His usual bottle of Prime.

“You want anything to eat?” he says, as we sit down. Since we’re now the opposite end from the serving area, it’s awkward for me to say yes. But I’m not hungry.

“No.”

We’re both silent.

“So? What’s this about?”

“What? You haven’t forgotten again ? My meeting?”

“No,” – he screws up his face, wounded – “of course not, I just didn’t know if you wanted to talk about it.”

I don’t know whether to believe him, but maybe I’m being unfair.

“How’d it go?” he asks.

I can’t answer at once, I feel the pressure of tears behind my eyes, but I don’t want to cry now. I glance back to see that Sam and Fraz are both looking over at us. Curious about what’s up. Under the table I tap at the floor with my foot.

“Not great,” I say in the end.

Kev makes a noise, halfway between supportive and dismissive. “They always make it sound worse than it is,” he tells me. “ Not great ’s probably a good outcome. They just want to scare you into doing more studying.” I sense him warming to the theme, so I shake my head.

“No.” I swallow. “They said I either leave, or they’ll kick me out. They gave me an hour to decide.”

Kevin puts a half grin on his face. He thinks I’m joking. “An hour? As in?—”

“As in sixty minutes, that’s right.” I realise I didn’t even take note of the time when Gavin gave me his ultimatum.

“Damn.” He pauses. “How long you got left?”

“ I don’t fucking know, Kevin. ” I look away. “It doesn’t matter either way. It’s just so they can spin it that they haven’t expelled me. Make it my decision to leave. I dunno. It’s better that way for their records or something. ”

Kevin stares at me. It’s like I’ve suddenly become this exotic creature. Different from him, and everyone else here. An actual ex -student.

“Can’t you, like – appeal it?”

I screw up my face, I hadn’t actually thought of this. I’m slightly annoyed that Kevin did before me.

“I don’t think so.” I think back. It didn’t exactly sound like it.

We’re both silent a while. Kevin looks at his sandwich, pink ham drooping out the side. He doesn’t pick it up.

“So what are you gonna do?”

After a few moments I shrug my shoulders. “I guess I’m gonna email my tutor and tell him I’ve decided to leave.”

“No I mean, what are you gonna do ? Are you gonna stay here?”

Sunderland is seven hundred miles from where I live, south of London. Kevin lives in the city though. He’s a local boy. I try to think how this is going to work.

“I don’t really have a choice. My mum isn’t going to support me to stay here, she’s hardly supporting me anyway.” I feel that familiar creep of financial anxiety, but every student gets it. Most, at least.

“What about us?” Kevin eyes me nervously, and I can’t meet his gaze.

I shrug. “There’s the holidays. Summer and that.” I force myself to look at his handsome face. “Maybe you could come down south? Get a job for the summer?”

“Sure. Right.” He nods, as he considers this idea. “Where would I stay though? Like, with your family?”

The way he says this grates on me. It’s the word family . I’ve told Kevin about a thousand times that it’s just Mum and me. But he’s the middle of three brothers, and he seems unable to conceive of a life without a big, boisterous family around him.

“Yeah. Maybe.” Not even I believe this. I tip my head back, staring at the ceiling. Taking stock of my life falling to pieces around me.

“It’s just…” Kevin goes on, “I’ve got that internship lined up he re with the football club. Sports is like, really booming now, such a good area to get into.”

At that moment a girl walks past, carrying a tray towards another table, where two other girls are sitting deep in conversation. As she passes she smiles, waggling her fingers at Kevin. It seems to send a jolt of electricity into him, and he breaks into a sudden, wide-mouthed grin.

“Hey! How’s it going?” he says. It’s like I’m not here, that this conversation isn’t happening.

I almost say nothing, but I can’t stop myself.

“Who’s that?”

“Oh it’s no one,” – his voice is quiet now that she’s out of hearing – “just Anna.” He frowns as he thinks. “She’s in some of my lectures, and then I see her in the gym. But she’s no one.” He glances over to watch her slide her narrow backside into a chair. No question she knows he’s watching.

“Fuck, Kevin! You’re moving on already? We haven’t even broken up yet.”

“Is that what we’re doing here? Breaking up?” He fires back at me so quickly it leaves me breathless. I feel outflanked, unable for a moment to find any words.

“ I don’t know ,” I say. “I don’t want to.”

We’re both silent for a while, while the buzz of happier conversations around the room washes over us.

“Well, how else is it going to work?” Kevin says after a while. “If you’re not here, and I can’t…” He glances back towards the table with his mates. “You know, maybe this isn’t the best place to have this conversation?”

“Oh? You think?” But I’m pissed off, because he’s less worried about breaking up with me than whether or not The Frazster is watching while it happens.

“Look, Ava. I’m sorry, alright? But both of us knew this thing was never that serious? And if you really wanted it to work, then maybe you could have put more effort into studying?” He shrugs again, like it was obvious all along.

And that hurts. I think for a few moments, about how I’ve helped him with his studies, reading over what he’s written, testing him before his exams. Making sure he runs his essays through the anti-plagiarism checker before he submits them, because he always uses AI to write them.

I think about telling him this, I hear the snark in the voice in my head.

But what’s the point? Really, why bother?

Instead I reach over and pick up his bottle of Prime.

I crack the seal and take a deep swig. Then I stare at him.

“Why do you even drink this crap? You’re not twelve years old.”

I put the bottle down too hard, so the liquid fizzes up and out onto his sandwich. Then I get up, shake my head, and walk away.