Page 53 of Daddy to Go

But then Ryder took me by surprise. While stroking Mattie’s back, he managed to say, “You know, I didn’t completely cut you off. Ididwrite you a letter. If it was so important, why didn’t you reply to me? It had my PO Box on there and I would’ve gotten it no matter where I was. I always update my forwarding address every time I move to a new location, and sometimes my sister checks my mail for me too.”

Exhausted from all the twists and turns and bullshit I was listening to, I turned and gaped at him.

“A letter? What are you even talking about?”

He became defiant.

“A letter, you know, how you sit down and write a letter to someone? Not an email, not a text message, but an actual letter. I wrote it and put it in an envelope and stamped it and sent it to the address that you had on your medical records.”

I rubbed my hands over my face and let out a long sigh. Had it really come to this? Was he really making things up now? Putting my hands on my hips I gave him a stern look.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Yes, I know what a letter is. I’m not an idiot. But I never received a letter, and I’m sure about that. Besides, who writes letters anymore? It’s not 1935. If you wanted me to know something so badly why didn’t you send me an email or text message? That would have been a lot more effective than some mystical letter that I never received.”

I could tell my attitude was starting to irritate the shit out of the doctor, but I really didn’t care. He shook his head.

“I write letters. I find it cathartic to put pen to paper, so sometimes I do things the old-fashioned way, even if it sounds weird. In fact, I still write in my journal on a day-to-day basis because it helps clear my mind. If you’d like to see that, I’d be more than happy to show you that my journal exists.”

I stared at him for a moment, unsure if he was being sarcastic or not. What the hell? What hunky, alpha male doctor writes in a journal, for crying out loud? I shook my head and walked over to the counter before grabbing a baby bottle to start making up some formula for Mattie.

“I don’t think you wrote a letter. I think what’s happening here is that you’re making it up so that you can save face. After all, you ghosted both of us. You ghosted youronly sonand now you feel bad about it, so you’re trying to get out of it by saying you wrote some sort of letter to me.”

I slammed my hand down on the counter.

“Just be honest, Ryder. You didn’t contact me because you didn’t care. I don’t want to hear the stories about how much you’ve changed and how much I affected you. Obviously, I didn’t affect you enough for you to come here and to be honest. It’s absolutely ridiculous that I have to sort through lies now. At least when you were honest, I knew what was going on, even if it was harsh.”

Ryder bounced Mattie slightly in his arms to try to calm him, and the baby sniffled a bit. Then Ryder looked up at me with desperation.

“I’m not lying to you, Abby. I’m telling the honest truth here. I sat down, not even that long after I had left, and wrote you a letter. Granted, I only wrote you one, but I included my new contact info in case you wanted to get in touch with me. All the information was in that letter. I should’ve taken a picture of it or something.”

I rolled my eyes and continued making the bottle. Maybe he did write me a letter, and maybe it mysteriously got lost in the mail, but I had a hard time believing that he was that unlucky. Ryder turned away in frustration.

“I can see this whole conversation is pointless. The damage has been done, and I guess it’s too late. I’m telling you the honest truth though, Abby, I wrote you a letter to give you all of my contact information.”

I looked at him and calmly said my last piece.

“If you sent me a letter, then why didn’t you mention it earlier?”

He looked at me flabbergasted.

“Earlier than what? We just met up again today.”

I shrugged, being stubborn.

“You could have told me at the doctor’s office.”

Ryder looked ready to come apart with rage now.

“Look, so many things have been happening that I forgot about it until now, okay?I just discovered that I have a son.I’m sorry that I didn’t remember the letter until now. I’ve been in a very emotional state, and I guess, when it comes to you, I don’t always use my brain.”

I shook Mattie’s bottle and walked over, taking him from Ryder. I kissed his forehead and put him against my body bouncing slightly up and down to try to calm him. Within a few seconds of hearing my heartbeat, he quieted down. He only had the remnants of hiccups, and after his hiccups slowed, I turned him over and began to feed him.

Looking up at Ryder, I shook my head.

“With you, it’s always about your emotional state. When does it stop being about you, and start being about us? I’m tired, Ryder. You can come here, hold Mattie, and feel the awe of having a child. But it takes love and dedication on a daily basis to be able raise a child. Plus, he’s not yours or mine because he’s a person. A person that I love with everything in my body.”

My heart was breaking all over again, but the anger had subsided. I walked over and sat down on the couch holding Mattie close to me as he drank his bottle. Then I looked up again.

“Not only that, but if you’re always going through emotional problems, are you really ready to be a dad? I mean, this has been all aboutyouremotional turmoil,yourchange of heart, andyourrealizations. When does it become about us? Having a child means that you put Mattie first, not yourself. Are you ready for that?”