Page 52 of Daddy to Go

“Why did you ditch me?” she asked through gritted teeth, careful to keep her tone calm so as not to alarm the baby. “I came to your apartment just to say hello and I had to be told by the old lady next door that you had moved out that morning. You didn’t even have the balls to tell me yourself. I would have understood. I would have been disappointed yes, but I wasn’t going to embarrass you with some teary goodbye. But you didn’t even bother to say goodbye. It was so damn selfish of you.”

I opened my mouth to talk but then closed it again. I could tell she didn’t want to hear my excuses. She needed to get it all out, and she had every right to. She began to pace the floor and I stood there holding Mattie close to me.

“You basically ghosted me. You are a grown adult and youghostedme. Who does that? You literally changed your cell phone number like I was some weird stalker. And it’s not like you have a social media presence for me to stay in contact with you. How in the hell was I supposed to get a hold of you? Did you think that magically everything would be okay? Did you think you could come back here and act like nothing ever happened? I didn’t do anything wrong, Ryder. You are the one who dideverythingwrong. You can’t treat people like that.”

My head hung and I felt absolutely terrible.

“I know what I did was wrong. It was just part of my lifestyle at the time, and I felt horrible about it from the moment I did it. I’ve never had well …feelingsbefore. And over the last year I’ve completely changed because I can’t even look at another woman without thinking of you. I don’t go out to bars anymore, I don’t date anyone while I’m out, and all I think about is you.”

Her face showed me she wasn’t impressed with my changes.

“Oh really? Am I supposed to give you a gold star for that? Is that supposed to make me feel better? That you got your life together and realized you had done wrong? So, if you realized all that, then why didn’t you get a hold of me? Why didn’t you reach out to me and tell me that you were sorry, even if you weren’t ready for a relationship? That would have been the decent thing to do, especially after you treated me that way.”

I nodded. “I understand everything you’re saying and I agree. And I don’t have any excuses. But Abby, what I’m saying is real. I reallydocare about you, and as a result, my emotions were thrown for a loop. Out of all the places I’ve been, and all the women I’ve met, I’ve never felt bad about leaving. Not once. This was the first time that Ifeltsomething, and I admit, I behaved boorishly because of it.”

She gaped at me.

“So you felt emotions, and as a result, became an ass? How does that even make sense? Was it some sort of pride thing? You could have said something like, “Hey, I’m taking some time off to think,” and none of this would’ve been an issue.”

I shook my head not even knowing what to say really. I just kept repeating myself.

“I know. I know. Like I said, it was just part of my lifestyle back then, and I never thought this would happen.”

Abby was incensed. Her face had gone beet red and her voice was steadily rising in tone. She was trying desperately hard to hold back, and to refrain from yelling at me in front of the baby.

“So, let me try again, just so that I fully understand what you’re saying. You cared about me, but because this was all new to you, you decided to be an asshole?”

I stared at her for a moment and then nodded my head, ashamed of what I was admitting. I had never thought about it like that before. I thought of myself as a man going through a sensitive and emotional time, but in reality, I was a coward.

“I’m sorry, Abby,” I said in a low voice. “I know how this sounds, and it’s bad. But it’s true, and when I finished sorting through my emotional mess, I realized I’d fucked up. But by then, it was too late, and I didn’t know how to fix it. It was messed up, maybeI’mmessed up, but I know that what I did was wrong. I don’t know how to make up for it.”

She stomped her foot angrily. “Youcan’tmake up for it. You can’t make up for doing something like that to somebody you care about. There is no going back in situations like this. For the rest of our lives, I will remember thatthathappened. No matter how well we do at co-parenting, I will remember what it felt like to be ghosted by a man wholeft me pregnant.”

I stood there, my heart breaking in my chest. I did this to her, and I deserved the verbal beating. In fact, I deserved so much worse than what she was giving me, and the sorrow and anger in Abby’s expression only increased my resolve to make this right somehow. But how? She hated me, and it wasn’t clear that we could ever find a path to be together again.

26

Abby

Idon’t think I’ve ever been this furious in my entire life. I managed to stay calm for a year, but having Ryder before me now made my blood boil. How could he? How could he say he was “emotionally lost” and “should have known better”? What grown man says those things?

I lost all control of my voice and began to scream. Of course, that made Mattie cry which made the situation even worse. I managed to wrest Mattie away from his father and soothed my little boy before putting him in his crib for a quick nap. Fortunately, Mattie settled immediately and was soon sound asleep with a thumb in his mouth.

But that still left the problem of Ryder. I stalked back to the living room with a tense jaw and my hands balled into fists. I paced the floor not knowing what to do with myself. I whipped around and pointed at him.

“How could you do this to us?” I said through gritted teeth. “You knew that we didn’t always use protection. You knew that! It doesn’t take a genius to know how a baby is made. Maybe you should’ve thought about the fact that I could’ve ended up pregnant. You’re a doctor, for Christ’s sake! You should have left me with a way to get a hold of you just in case I ended up pregnant. What MD does that?”

Of course, we’d already discussed this, but my rage knew no bounds. I was going to keep bringing up the same subjects again and again, and he’d have to defend himself again and again. Ryder started to talk but I threw my hand up, cutting him off.

“No. You’re going to listen to what I have to say. There are teenagers out there that are more responsible when it comes to sex. Sure, not using protection was partly my fault as well, but leaving me completely helpless without any knowledge of where you were or if I would ever even see you again? Well, that’s on you. That’s you acting like you’re a seventeen-year-old boy running around sticking his… his…thingin anything that would accept it. You didn’t think about any repercussions. You only thought about yourself.”

I jerked a thumb at Mattie’s room. “Well, now look at the repercussions. You can be angry that you missed out on the first few months of our child’s life all you want to, but the only person that falls on isyou.”

I could see the shame on his face as he listened to my rant. I breathed heavily, not even knowing what else to say at that point. There really wasn’t anything else, to be honest. He left me and Mattie, and now had the audacity to come back and act like everything would be fine. His baby deserved way better than that.Ideserved way better than that.

My whole life, I’ve always taken the short end of the stick. I always volunteered to give up my seat for someone else, and to give others the advantage. But that wasn’t going to be the case anymore. Ryder taught me a very important lesson, and it was thatI am worth it. I am a real human being, and I deserve to be heard and treated with respect.

I stopped and took a deep breath, putting my hand on my stomach while trying to calm my nerves. Mattie woke up in the next room and started squalling. With the baby so upset, my agony only increased, but I did nothing. Instead, Ryder went in to fetch Mattie and returned with our screaming, red-faced boy in his arms. Good. I spent many, many nights holding a colicky baby in frustration, and his father could experience it for a couple minutes longer.