Page 45 of Daddy to Go

“I’m still waiting on it to be done. I was just thinking about everything. How I tried to contact Ryder after he left. How I still wonder if he actually thinks about me.”

Mary breathed deeply into the phone, and I knew she was about to give me some cold, hard truth.

“Listen to me, Snickers. This is hard to swallow, but Ryder Rivington’s gone. He purposely left without leaving his contact information. In fact, he hasn’t reached out to you once in the two months since. He’s not coming back, no matter what the test says. I love you, but the sooner you get over this, the sooner you can move on with your life and do what’s right.”

I didn’t want to believe her, but I knew that Mary was only saying what I already knew in my heart. Ryder was gone, and he didn’t care about me anymore.

21

Abby

“Idon’t need you to tell me that,” I replied. “I might have all of these thoughts, and all of these hopes and dreams for the return of my sexy doctor, but I’m fully aware that the chances of him coming back are below one percent. If I’m pregnant, I’ll be doing this on my own.”

“I’m sorry Abby,” Mary said in a low tone, her voice genuinely apologetic. “I know that I’ve been tough on you but I want you to know that it kills me to see you hurting so badly. I never wanted you to go through this. I always wanted you to be that one friend that ends up with the perfect guy, whom she dates for the perfect amount of time, and has the perfect marriage. A marriage where the only fight that you ever got in with him was over the fact that he didn’t put his dirty socks in the clothes hamper. You deserve to be that girl.”

“I wish I had been that person,” I replied, a little sad. “But after I realized that Ryder had changed his number, I knew it was all over. He’s gone. When I think about it, I feel like he never even existed sometimes, like he was a figment of my imagination. The only way that I can prove that he was even here was through the doctor’s office.”

Mary was being very supportive, listening to everything that I had to say. She knew this wasn’t a time for jokes or for cutting in. She knew I needed to talk about it and get it out of my system. I sighed again.

“Do you know how many times I’ve asked myself if he was just merely a figment of my imagination? I felt like I needed to check myself into a psych ward because maybe I’d imagined an entire weekend vacation with some dream guy in my own head. I’m sorry, I’m going insane.”

“No, you’re fine,” Mary said with a sigh. “You’re going to be okay, Snickers. Hang up with me, check that test, and then we can move forward from there. Whatever the test says, we’ll move forward anyway, and I’ll be by your side. I want you to look at this as an exciting new future ahead of you. Think of it as a second chance at life. You can literally make it into anything that you want to, and you don’t have to worry about offending someone else or mashing together ideas. You can let your own genius run free.”

I gave a half smile, grateful that my best friend had my back like that. “Thanks, Mary. I’ll call you back soon.”

Hanging up the phone, I sat it gently on the counter, my eyes going to the pregnancy test sitting on the shelf. I slowly walked toward it, wishing I could just stay in this limbo forever. Because as soon as I looked at that test, no matter what it read, everything was going to change for me. If it was positive, well then I had some big decisions to make. If it said negative, then it the end of my time with Ryder. I needed to let him go and move on with my life.

I closed my eyes for a moment as I reached up and gripped the stick. I brought it down in front of me and slowly opened my eyes. My head immediately tilted to the side and my mouth fell slightly open. I’m not sure why I wasn’t prepared to see the plus sign on the pregnancy test, but it took me by complete surprise. I slowly backed up and flipped the toilet seat lid down, sitting and just staring at the plastic indicator.

Holy shit, I was pregnant. I was going to have Ryder’s baby. My heart was beating a hundred miles an hour, and my emotions were twisting and turning like a roller coaster inside of me. I was extremely excited, and then suddenly very sad, and then back up to extremely excited again. I was actually pregnant.

I looked down at my stomach and then shook my head ruefully. It wasn’t like you got a positive pregnancy test and then suddenly you have an eight-month round baby belly. But I was still in awe. There was a child inside of me right now. There was a child who was made with passion and love, with a world of potential before him or her.

I sat there quietly, just staring into space. Everything about me felt like it was changing all at once. I was no longer alone, not even inside my body. I had a future that, in an instant, had been completely rewritten. I would have to rethink everything.

“A baby,” I whispered. “Ryder’s baby.”

Walking over to the mirror, I stood there and stared at my own reflection. I was no longer looking at a naïve girl who was afraid of speculums and lubrication. I could see a mother in my own face. A mature woman who would soon bring another life into this world. I was overwhelmed by the idea that I was actually going to create another human being and then raise them to be an adult. I felt like whoever was responsible for handing out the pregnancies gave me this pregnancy for a reason.

Suddenly, resolve filled me. The child growing inside of me was most likely going to be my only link to Ryder. It was going to be the only keepsake from the happiest time that I had experienced up to that point in my life. The child was going to be a reminder of the pain that he put me through, but it was also going to be a reminder of love. That love was possible. That I am no longer destined to die the old cat lady. That realization alone was worth its weight in gold.

I picked up the phone and dialed Mary’s number, feeling calm and clearheaded, like a giving Earth Mother.

“What’s the word?” Mary asked.

I smiled at my own reflection, shaking my head. “I’m pregnant.”

I wasn’t sure if it was my serene calmness or the news that I was going to have a baby that broke Mary into tears. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cry,” she snuffled.

“Are you crying because you’re sad or happy?” I asked my friend.

“I’m crying for whatever reason you want me to cry for,” she replied. “And I feel like this whole conversation is backward. I feel like you should be the one crying and I should be the one asking the questions.”

Chuckling, I turned around and rested my butt on the bathroom counter.

“You know us, we like to do things completely backward. But I don’t know how I feel. I’m not unhappy. I’m at peace. I know I’m going to keep this child, and I didn’t really even have to think about it. I guess there really are some things in life that reveal themselves to you like a miracle.”

“Oh my god, you sound like Deepak Chopra. And I’m going to be an aunt!” Mary giggled. “I’m going to teach your child all about my ninja skills.”