Page 129 of CowSex

“Me? You’re throwing me out? So, Mr Hotshot, who hasn’t shown his face in town for how long, comes waltzing back, and it’s me you’re throwing out?”

“Koa might not have been around in recent times, but Kai comes in regularly with the rest of the construction guys, and I’d rather have his business than yours any day of the week. So, yeah, it’s you I’m throwing out. So scoot before I call the cops.”

“Ha, who needs the police when you’ve got the queen of fucking England here? Have you met Koa’s next baby momma?”

“Watch your mouth, Danielle,” Koa warns her.

“Mom, please don’t keep doing this.” Kai’s eyes fill with tears as he pleads. Malia senses the tone of her brother’s voice and looks up as a tear falls from his lashes to his cheek and her little chin starts to tremble.

I lose my shit.

“Out!” I turn and slide from the booth. “Get the fuck out. Go away and drink your sad and lonely little life away down some alley or in some park, anywhere but near my family and me.”

I push Danielle as hard as I can in the chest, and since she’s plastered at eleven in the morning, she can’t keep her balance and lands flat on her arse.

Koa’s right beside me, and I hear Malia crying over my shoulder. “Sorry,” I shout out to anyone that wants to listen. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have sworn or pushed her, but fuck me, she’s getting on my last nerve.”

All I hear is Koa saying quietly, “You called us your family. I’m so gonna marry the shit out of you, Essex.”

I struggle to contain the smile that wants to escape and spread across my lips. Then, when Danielle slips twice before managing to get up on her feet, I actually laugh, and that’s when Sheriff Nelson comes walking through the door.

“Carmichael, Ms Elliott. However did I spend my days before you two arrived in town?”

TWO HOURS LATER, THE WHOLEugly encounter has been pretty much forgotten. We’ve wandered around the market and chosen two Christmas trees to be delivered on Saturday, bought a ton of hand-carved decorations, and eaten two bags of doughnut holes between us.

We’re now watching Malia while she gets her face painted and transformed into a stunningly sparkly, pink-and-purple butterfly.

Koa hasn’t stopped smiling at me since Dinnergate, but he still seems a little worked up about something and hasn’t ceased fidgeting.

“Do I need to get you one of those spinner things the kids were all going mad over earlier in the year?”

“What spinner things?”

“A fidget spinner. Parents give them to kids that can’t sit still. What’s wrong with you today, you got ants in your pants?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“What? Wha’d’ya mean?”

“Those wipes of yours that you left in my bathroom, they’ve made my ass sore,” he bends his knees and lowers himself so he can talk directly into my ear.

“What wipes?” I’m confused.

“Those wipes you have, the ones I asked you about when I helped you first unpack, there’s a packet of them you left in my bathroom. I’ve been using them all week, and they’ve made my ass itch like fuck.”

“I didn’t leave any—” My hand comes up to cover my mouth as realisation hits me. “Oh, Koa.” I desperately suck in my cheeks and try not to laugh.

“What?”

“They’re not arse wipes, my love. They’re lemon scented bleach wipes I found in your utility room that I used to clean your toilet with.”

“What?” He frowns and looks thoroughly pissed off as he processes what I’m telling him.

“So, let me get this straight, I’ve been lemon scenting and bleaching my asshole all week?”

“’Fraid so, babe. No wonder it’s sore. At least it’s clean and smells nice, though.” I snort as I attempt to talk and laugh at the same time.

“Fuck off.”