Page 50

Is this truly goodbye?

I folded one of my shirts and dropped it into the bin with the same fervor as one preparing for a funeral.

I’d collected an impressive amount of shit that I had to now pack up.

I mean, it was utterly pointless because I couldn’t take any of it with me when I returned to Earth, but I refused to leave Don with this mess, like the one I had the other night.

I’d passed out before he returned, and he had put me to bed and cleaned everything up without a word, much like how he’d left.

A sudden dark cloud surrounded me. It really hadn’t left since… well since I’d fucking destroyed Don’s living room. I clutched the rocks I’d taken from Inogga. When we’d left, I’d wanted to take a piece of paradise. I dropped them into the bin. I should have just left them there.

Paradise wasn’t a real place.

I shoved more clothes into the bin, ones that Don had bought me.

After I’d made my decision, I should’ve gone back to my room, but like an asshole, I’d offered to leave, and Don, being the fucking saint he was, had refused to let me go.

I hadn’t even fought him or tried to insist, because the thought of not seeing him made me sick.

It had been quiet, though. He hadn’t been mean or passive aggressive about my choice, more sad than anything.

Unlike Zoltilvoxfyn, Serlotminden, and Caleb—they wouldn’t talk to me. Teddy had continued to act the same, as had Seth. But the aforementioned people scowled and growled. Don had told them to stop; he was still protecting me.

The one who shocked me was Kalvoxrencol.

He’d merely watched me with a cocked head like he was trying to figure something out, but he’d been polite.

It made me hate him more than ever. I deserved every harsh word, and the rat bastard wouldn’t give it to me.

I swore he wasn’t being a dick just to mess with me.

I wanted to punch him in the face with a knife.

I sighed, folding another shirt before dropping it into the bin.

It hardly mattered. I wouldn’t be staying in the palace with them.

The emperor had secured a building for the humans to live in while the moon settlement was being built.

Those who were returning to Earth would travel on the Admiral Ven , and the rest would eventually move to the moon if they wished or stay on Tamkolvanloknol.

The door opened, and Don walked in. I gave him a sad smile, gripping the thin gold chains around my neck. I should probably give them back, but I didn’t want to. He brushed a hand through my hair, and like the shameless whore I was, I leaned into the touch.

“They were a gift and you should keep them,” Don said, working his fingers over my scalp.

“I like them.”

“And I want you to have them,” he said, cupping my cheek.

Unable to stop myself, I kissed his palm. Don smiled, but it was tinged with sadness, and I understood. I should stop touching him, but I couldn’t. I needed to feel his scales on my skin.

Don crouched and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips, which I returned. “I want you to keep touching me, Vince.”

I leaned forward to kiss him again.

“I also want you to stay in the palace, in my room.”

“Don,” I started.

He silenced me with a kiss. “No, my Vince. I need it. I need to know you’re somewhere safe. Besides, you’ll be closer to Seth and Teddy, which you need.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Why are you so nice?”

Don didn’t reply, but he hooked his arms around me and stood, carrying me to the bedroom. I didn’t fight, nor did I have an interest in doing so. We hadn’t fucked since I told him I wanted to return to Earth, but I wanted to have sex, and yet I didn’t want to force Don into anything.

We lay side by side, with Don simply holding me. He didn’t initiate anything and he must’ve heard me, which meant he didn’t want more at the moment. I was fine with that, but… our moments were almost up.

“We’re docking soon, aren’t we?” I asked, trailing my hand over his back.

His arms tightened, drawing me even closer to his broad chest.

I took that as a yes. I had to finish packing, as did the others.

It would be a few days before we moved completely to the station, but as soon as we did, Don would leave.

I, and the others, would be on the station for several days to a couple of weeks as we waited for the Admiral Ven to arrive and take us back to the drakcol homeworld.

Fear slid down my spine. What if someone tried to grab me?

Don kissed the top of my head. “You’ll be safe. I promise. My brothers will protect you, and Kalvoxrencol has already said you’ll stay with him and Seth.”

Fun. I got to look forward to listening to them fuck. I was sure that would make me want to murder Kal less. Not.

He rubbed my head with his forehead, scent marking me.

I shifted my hand to his side, sliding under his uniform to touch his bare scales.

Don groaned, then gave a mewl when I traced where his glands were to help release his scent.

I wanted to smell like Don. I wanted everyone to know that he was mine and I was his for as long as I was here.

I swallowed. He wouldn’t be, though. As soon as we separated, he would be free to seek others. I should be happy for him, or at least not a possessive dick that wanted to keep Don all to myself, but I couldn’t. He was mine, and I didn’t share.

“I will seek no one else, Vince.”

“No,” I said, meeting his gaze. “That’s not fair of me to ask.”

“Fair or not. I won’t. I want you alone.”

I kissed his chin. “Will you talk to me every day?”

“Yes. I need that as well. Every day, face to face. We can also send notes throughout the day.”

That was better than nothing.

I nuzzled his chest, planting a kiss on the scales near his collar. I groaned at the feeling, my hips automatically canting toward him.

Don cupped the back of my head. “Vince, I can’t.

”“It’s fine.” It was. Did I want Don? Yes.

Did I want to fuck him so I could feel connected to him?

Also yes. But I understood why he didn’t want to, and I wasn’t going to pressure him.

I placed another kiss on his neck, then snuggled against his chest, simply running my hand over his chest, side, and back, touching him everywhere I could reach.

Don took a deep inhale, his nose pressed against my hair. His tail coiled up my leg and his wings slipped out, one covering me. I burrowed into him. If I could freeze time, right here, right now, I would in a heartbeat. This moment with Don in my arms was everything, and I never wanted it to end.

“It doesn’t have to,” he whispered.

I sighed. It didn’t. It was ending because of my choice, and yet at the same time, I couldn’t stay. I’d only hurt Don. He deserved better than me.

His fingers dug into my back. “I want you. Only you and no one else.”

“I know.” We’d had this conversation, and nothing had changed from the last time.

He kissed the top of my head and didn’t say any more, for what more was there to say?

This was death. I truly felt as if I was dying. Yesterday, we’d docked at the Varjuntet Station. In a handful of days, Vince would disembark from my ship, and I would never see him again. I could not even imagine it. The mere thought was enough to send me to my knees.

My brothers wanted me to tell Vince he was my mate, but Vince had made it clear he didn’t want to stay and that he would be happiest returning home. How could I guilt him into remaining when what he wanted was to leave?

Hallonnixmin had been furious, though, so in an effort to force me to speak, he’d told our younger brothers. All of them had sided with Hallonnixmin and Monqilcolnen—they wanted me to force Vince to stay. They all feared that I’d wither when Vince left.

Some drakcol survived the loss of their mate, but most did not.

They faded. It was hard to keep breathing when your reason for life was no longer by your side.

Vince would still be alive, but he’d be out of reach and separated from me forever.

Those mates who weren’t bound by the Crystal could travel and live apart due to work or life circumstances, and some did, but it was different—they were still together.

Vince would be gone, unattainable, lost to me.

I didn’t think I would survive long. The grief would shred me, but perhaps I’d surprise myself and find the will to continue on. I doubted it. The moment Vince returned to Earth, I was fairly certain my days would be numbered.

Of course, my brothers didn’t want that, nor would my parents when they found out. I wouldn’t be swayed, though. Vince and his needs were far more important. He didn’t want to remain with me, and I’d let him go.

I tried to force my thoughts from Vince as I looked at the many notes regarding the offloading of passengers and the few repairs we needed done before we left. The communication dish and long-range sensors had continued to act up, but the nodes we needed were in short supply currently.

I stared at the request form to up our importance on the restock list, but my brain did not wish to cooperate. My thoughts and senses flew to Vince. He was in our room, packing. I felt his general melancholy, the gaping void had returned, nearly consuming him, but not his individual thoughts.

Vince loved me, and he wanted to stay and he didn’t at the same time. Part of me wanted to take advantage of his indecision, but I wouldn’t. I wanted him to choose me for me. I didn’t want guilt to drive him to my side. I wanted to be loved and chosen for who I was.

A chime sounded at my office door. I resituated on the stool, dropping the screen onto my metal desk with a loud clack, and called, “Enter.”

The door opened, and Kalvoxrencol stepped inside. I swallowed an annoyed growl. Every single one of my brothers and Monqilcolnen had pestered me about speaking to Vince. So far they’d honored my wishes to remain quiet, but I didn’t trust them to continue that silence.

Kalvoxrencol’s thoughts were oddly quiet. All I caught was low-level concerns about Seth, their child, and about how he was hungry. I wanted to snarl. No one was better at evading me than Kalvoxrencol. I contained it, though. I would never injure him, no matter how annoying he was.

“Pest,” I greeted, keeping my expression bland.

He took a seat on one of the stools in front of my desk, his jewelry jingling. A gold necklace with a rough purple stone the same shade as his eyes stood out from the rest of the silver jewelry. Seth had gifted it to him not long after they were mated, and Kalvoxrencol never took it off.

Kalvoxrencol snorted, tail flicking. “You can hide your emotions behind this calm facade all you want, Captain, but I see through it. It’s destroying you. The thought of Vince leaving is killing you.”

I tilted my head in concession, offering my throat. I wouldn’t lie about it, at least not to them.

“I remember when I was wooing Seth. The thought of us separating was enough to send a shard of agony to my soul, and he never actively planned to leave as your Vince is.”

I swallowed, struggling to keep my calm. I’d painfully thickened my usual static shield over the last couple of days to the point I barely perceived the others around me, because I didn’t want Vince or my brothers to become victims to the agony encasing me.

“Talk to me,” Kalvoxrencol said, and I wanted to laugh. How many times had I begged him to talk to us throughout his life, and how many times had he spurned us? Nevertheless, he’d changed, and I refused to bring up his past.

I pushed a hand through my hair, letting my wings slide out, keeping them in a relaxed position. “He wants to leave, Pest. He told me this.”

“But he doesn’t know that he’s your mate.”

“He does not,” I replied. “But does it truly matter? Vince wants to go home. He says he’s not forever.”

Kalvoxrencol crossed his arms, eyes narrowing.

That was his thinking face. I’d seen it many times in my life.

His thoughts bounced, and I didn’t try to track them.

I was too tired. Sleep had been torture.

Vince had been draped over me as usual, and I had simply lain beneath him, tracing the line of his spine and savoring the feel of his cool skin against my scales because it would soon be a thing of memory.

“I cannot say what you should or shouldn’t do, Dontilvynsan, but don’t give up. Vince cares for you, that is obvious. Tell him exactly what you need. He won’t know unless you tell him. You need him to stay, and maybe he needs you to need him.”

I looked away.

“Some people need to be needed,” he said. “I did; I do.” Kalvoxrencol stood. “Maybe he needs permission to stay, to want you. Not all of us feel worthy of the gifts we are given.” His tail coiled around mine before he left me to my thoughts.