Page 49

Decisions.

Dontilvynsan lay on the bed across from me.

He’d fallen asleep well before I had. We’d spent the day together, regardless of his duties, which he really shouldn’t have ignored.

But he hadn’t left, merely passed the responsibilities off.

Of course I hadn’t encouraged him to leave, even though I probably should have.

I hadn’t been able to let him go, though.

I’d had to physically hold onto him, utterly terrified.

The panic was so strong, even now, that I couldn’t bear him out of my sight.

I ran a feather-light touch over his face, tracing the planes and edges. I loved the sharpness of his cheekbones, the length of his nose, the fullness of his lips, and the strength of his jaw. Don was perfect, like, completely perfect, and yet I was frightened of staying with him.

If I was honest with myself, I loved Don. It wasn’t shocking or at all surprising. I apparently had a habit of falling in love with the worst person possible, though that wasn’t fair. Don was sweet, kind, and perfect for me. He wasn’t the problem—I was.

My fingers stopped on the corner of his lips where they would often quirk in amusement. No, Dontilvynsan wasn’t the problem. He hadn’t said he loved me, but he cared about me, deeply, and he wanted me for the rest of our lives. Me? I was a mess.

All I had was fear. Fear of the future. Fear that the memories would never abate.

Fear that Don would get tired of me. Fear that some soulmate would show up for Don and make all of us miserable.

Fear that I wasn’t good enough for him. Fear that I was too broken to be whole again. Fear of everything.

I was so damn afraid, and I fucking hated it.

I wanted to choose hope. I wanted to choose love. I wanted to choose Dontilvynsan. But the thought made my pulse pound and sent tremors through me.

I was a fucking coward.

Closing my eyes against the tears, I tried to take control of my breathing so I didn’t wake Don. He woke up at the slightest nightmare or shift in my emotions, but I’d been running high all day and he’d fallen asleep to me being terrified, so maybe he wouldn’t.

Don stirred, reaching for me. “My Vince, are you having a nightmare?”

Sleep laced his voice and his movements were jerky. He wasn’t quite cognizant yet. I shifted against him to press needy kisses to the underside of his jaw. My tongue traced the scales over his pulse point.

“Vince?”

I didn’t respond, just continued to kiss his neck, laving my tongue over his scales.

I slid up and nibbled his earlobe, teeth catching on the long earring.

I tugged on it. Don took a sharp breath, but it wasn’t from pain—drakcol ears were sensitive.

I licked and bit my way up his ear until I reached the tip.

I took it into my mouth and sucked—hard.

“Vince,” Don cried, cupping my ass.

I needed him. Now. I needed to be inside him, to feel his hot channel squeezing me as desperate cries slipped out of his lips.

“Yes,” he said, breathless. “Yes, Vince.”

Securing the lube, I kissed my way down his chest, yanked his sleep pants off, and palmed his thick thighs apart.

His cock bucked, hard and leaking. I fondled his heavy balls, playing with the delicate scales, and Don panted.

I wished I had more patience to slowly work him into a frenzy, but I didn’t.

“Fuck me, Vince,” Don said. “Take what you need from me. I’m yours.”

I kissed his thigh, pressing my nose against the hard muscle. My Don. I nipped him, careful not to hurt him. I would never hurt him—well, physically.

“Stop thinking or worrying and fuck me, Vince.” Don pushed his fingers through my hair. “The future will keep. Right here and right now, it’s just you and me. No one and nothing else. Just us.”

He was right. I needed Dontilvynsan and he needed me. I kissed the weeping tip of his cock. “Just us.”

“Just us,” he repeated, cupping my chin.

I opened the lube and put a generous amount on my fingers before circling the tight ring of his ass.

He moaned, and I savored the sound. Each and every noise was mine, and I wanted them.

I kissed his thigh, licking the scales, and worked my finger in and out of his hole.

Don never stopped making noise. His cock bucked with his rocking hips, leaking pre-cum out of his slit.

I licked the tip, groaning at the sweet taste on my tongue.

“Vince, my Vince,” Don panted.

Pushing a second finger inside of him, I kept opening Don up for me steadily. He really didn’t require the prep, but I was nervous I’d hurt him somehow if I didn’t stretch him more.

“Please,” he begged.

I kissed his needy cock. “Soon, Sweetheart.”

When my three fingers easily slid in and out of his channel, I lined up my dick.

Don’s green eyes locked onto mine. I swallowed as nerves slid down my spine with a tremor.

I gripped his hips. This moment belonged to us.

There was no room for the future, for my worries or Don’s, for the past, or for anyone who’d hurt me.

The only thing in the moment was me and Don, nothing else.

Gently, I thrusted into him, eyes on his.

I shivered at the all-encompassing heat and the tight grip of his hole.

Don hooked his thick thighs around my hips, and his tail slid over the back of my thigh to my ass before going down again.

He stretched out a hand, and I grabbed it, placing it on my cheek.

His emotions flooded my mind. I groaned.

Pulling out, I pushed back in with a grunt.

Don moaned when I was buried to the root, hitting that spot deep inside of him.

Being connected like this was so personal and intense with our joined pleasure.

I kept my eyes on his, silently begging him not to look away from me.

I needed to see that it was him I was with, and no one else.

“I have you,” he whispered. “I’m right here, my Vince.”

I felt the backs of my eyes burn, but I didn’t stop, hips smacking into his.

Don planted his feet wider, thrusting up to meet my downward push.

Soon we were moving in a perfect symphony.

The wet sound of my cock sliding into his hole and the slapping of our bodies filled my ears, along with my grunts and Don’s loud cries.

Bending over him, I kissed his chest. “Don.”

His hands ran over my back. “I’m here.”

Our eyes never separated as we fucked, each movement slow and long. Don’s thick cock rubbed on my stomach. With our connected emotions, I felt his pleasure from me invading his body and his dick dragging through the trail of hair on my lower stomach.

Grunting, I picked up speed, pounding into Don, chasing my release. His hole tightened around me, and I grunted. My balls hugged my shaft as my orgasm barreled down my spine.

“Yes, Vince,” Don cried, wrapping his arm tight around my neck. “Yes.”

Unable to hold back any longer, I tipped over the edge, plunging deep into him. My pleasure ripped Don’s from him without me even stroking him. He shrieked beneath me, his cock kicking and warm cum painting our stomachs.

I shook as I slid out of Don, and he whimpered.

I kissed my way down his chest, licking his release off his scales and cleaning his cock.

He writhed under me, too sensitive, but I wanted to lap up every drop of the sweet liquid.

His hand still held my cheek, connecting us, so I felt it, but I couldn’t resist.

Once he was clean, I lay on top of him and tucked my head under his chin. I needed to be close to him after everything. Tears burned the backs of my eyes, and yet I felt so safe cuddled against him.

Smoothing a hand over his chest, I breathed in his scent and planted a kiss on his collar bone. Don deserved my truth, even if he didn’t want it.

He tensed beneath me; I rubbed his chest to calm him, but it didn’t help.

“Tell me,” he whispered.

“I love you, Dontilvynsan.”

Pleasure so intense I felt it in my toes crashed through me. Don kissed the top of my head.

I stifled a cry and smoothed my hand over his scales again. “I love you, Don. More than Seth. More than anyone. You are the brightest star in my sky.”

“My Vince.”

“B-but,” I said, voice breaking. “I can’t stay with you.”

Pain so strong it stole my breath shredded me for the barest instant before Don yanked his hand away, severing the connection between us. “What?”

I sat up, facing him. “I love you, Sweetheart, but I can’t stay.”

“Why not?” Don also sat, his tail utterly limp and his wings hugging his broad shoulders. His face was completely blank, which let me know how much I was hurting him, even if I hadn’t caught a glimpse of his emotions.

I grabbed his hand, and Don didn’t pull away, but he remained limp in my grasp. Lifting his hand, I brushed my thumb over his prominent knuckles, then peppered kisses on the back. I shouldn’t, but I had to touch him.

“Sweetheart, I’m not forever.”

“I don’t understand.”

“If I stayed, we’d become mates, wouldn’t we?”

“Yes,” Don said without hesitation.

“Drakcol mate for life.”

“Yes,” he replied, even though it hadn’t been a question.

“Humans don’t.”

“I’m aware.”

Sighing, I closed my eyes. “I can’t promise forever, Don. I can’t be with you.” Looking right at him, I continued, “This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. You’re amazing, but I’m a mess. I would only hurt you.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“What you believe doesn’t matter,” I said, squeezing his fingers. “I know me, and me? I’m not good enough for you. We’re not meant to be. You deserve much better.”

“I want you ,” Don said, reaching for me. I didn’t fight him when he pulled me onto his lap. “I want you, Vince.”

I buried my hands in his hair, kissing his neck.

God, I loved him, but it wasn’t enough. “This is my choice. I need to go home. I need to forget. What was done will never leave me, and I don’t know if I can live with it.

I shouldn’t have to. I can’t be the burden you have to lug around for your entire life.

” I laughed like it was a joke, but neither of us had a lick of humor.

“It would never be like that.” His arms trembled, and he burrowed his face in the crook of my neck. “I will always choose you.”

My heart was breaking, but I’d made my decision. Not saying anything, I kissed his temple. I will always love you more than anyone else in this universe, Dontilvynsan. I promise.

“You can’t promise that,” he whispered.

I smiled, recalling when he’d promised no one would ever touch me again without my permission. I repeated his words, “I can, and I am.”

I stared at the bedroom door. Don had left over an hour ago.

He’d held me for a while, then without a word slipped out of bed, got dressed, and left.

I didn’t blame him. I’d broken his heart.

But what he didn’t know or refused to accept was I was protecting him from me.

While I hated—no, that was too weak a word for what I felt—the thought of someone else touching him, Don deserved more than I could give him.

Sliding out of bed, I went to the living room to wait for him, though I wasn’t sure he was going to come back.

There was also the possibility that one of his brothers or Seth would ask me to leave Don’s rooms. None of them would be dicks about it—Don wouldn’t let them—but it would be more than fair of him to want me to vacate his space.

My eyes ran over the living room that I’d made my own.

Most of this stuff was from the dispenser, but some I’d picked up at the station.

The bright beaded pillows, the blankets, Don’s harpsichord, my tarot cards—this space felt more like home than anywhere in my entire life.

I didn’t want to leave, and I was far too selfish a person to abandon this apartment or Don unless I was forced.

Once again, my gaze settled on my tarot cards.

My feet moving of their own accord, I stopped in front of the low table.

The deck was harmlessly sitting on the edge in a neat pile.

I’d brought them with me when I moved from my room to Don’s, but I hadn’t done another reading for him or one for myself. I wasn’t able to. I was afraid.

I scoffed. What else was new?

My lips curled into a deep scowl. Grabbing the useless cards, I chucked them across the room with a scream. What was the point? Nothing mattered. I was a fucking coward who couldn’t get over my damn issues. I grabbed one of the pillows and threw it. Heat pulsed in my stomach. It wasn’t enough.

Screaming, I threw every stupid thing I’d gotten out of the dispenser or from the station on the floor. I ripped and threw and destroyed the room that had become my home, just like I’d destroyed everything else.

I should’ve fought. I should’ve screamed. I should’ve fucking died on Xome and then none of this would be happening.

When I reached the harpsichord, I seized it and lifted it above my head.

The fragile crystal would shatter into a million pieces without the slightest provocation.

My grasp trembled as I simply held it aloft.

One motion. One flick. One tiny inconsequential movement and I would break one of the few remaining things that tied me to Don and this place.

“Fuck,” I yelled, sliding to the floor and clasping the instrument to my chest. “Fuck it all to hell.” I bent over it, tears streaming down my cheeks. I sobbed, shoulders shaking, as grief rolled through me like an endless fog, drawing me back into the void of darkness that I thought had vanished.

No matter how much I cried, the door didn’t open, Don didn’t come back, and I remained alone.