Page 17

Teddy, I miss you.

“You’re not hanging out with Seth today?” Teddy asked, sitting on the opposite side of my ridiculous backless couch.

Seriously, these couches sucked so much.

They were way too fucking tall, and I couldn’t find a comfortable spot to snuggle into.

Yeah, they had tall arms like a chaise or a divan or some shit, but they were hard under my ass, even with the pink blankets I’d spread over the seat.

I missed big plush couches that basically ate you when you sat down.

I yanked my oversized hoodie closer and pulled my legs up to sit cross-legged.

Nope, still annoying. My ass was going to be numb eventually.

“Not sucking Mindy’s face today?” I rejoined, picking at my peeling pink nail polish, and Teddy grunted with the slightest flush on his cheeks.

I hadn’t felt like leaving my room today, and with the food dispensers, I didn’t have to.

Honestly, I hadn’t felt like doing anything besides holding a pillow to my oddly hollow chest and drinking as much booze as I could to drown whatever these pesky emotions were.

But I didn’t want that. I’d seen friends give into the bottle, and I refused to be that person, yet the temptation to forget was so damn strong.

So I called Teddy on the glowing, touchstone thing.

I’d had to say his full name. Bartholomew Reginald Lucian Cavendish-Wallingford.

How ridiculous was that? Like the good friend that he was, Teddy had immediately agreed to come and hang out.

We sat there in awkward silence. I didn’t know why things were so strained between us. Teddy and I had been through literal hell together, and I was closer to him than almost anyone. Why were we fumbling to find our rhythm?

Trying to be a functioning adult, I asked, “Are you mad at me?”

Teddy cocked his head. “Why would you think that?”

I motioned between us.

“I’m always quiet.”

“That’s not what I meant,” I replied.

He sighed, then chewed on his bottom lip for a moment. “I was… hurt when you ran toward Seth, not caring I was there.”

“Fuck, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I’d just been overwhelmed with seeing Seth.

“I know that,” Teddy said, reaching for me but stopped when I flinched from his sudden movement. “I also don’t know where we stand. Everything feels different.”

I nodded. “I want us to be close still.”

His serious eyes ran over my huddled form. “I do too.”

I was keeping things from Teddy, but I couldn’t get the words out about what happened. It was too real. Besides, what was the point? I was going to forget it all eventually.

Teddy said, motioning to me, “I see you are finally embracing your style again.”

Chuckling, I smoothed my skirt over my legs and the rest of the tension in my body slid away. “How many times did I complain about the jumpsuits on Xome?”

“Too many times to count.”

“Fair, but fuck, they were the ugliest brown and so thin and unflattering.”

“Yep.”

“Now,” I said, “I can finally wear everything that I want to.”

He nodded.

Something inside of me uncoiled. It was like the past. I would talk—rant, more accurately—and Teddy would listen while nodding along.

“Mindy is good to you, right?” I asked. I hadn’t been as good a friend as Teddy had been; I’d been more focused on Seth and his stupid husband. However, I was concerned about Teddy.

“He is. Mindy loves me.”

“He feeds you and doesn’t hurt you?” I pressed, unable to stop the protective urges coursing through me.

“Vince, Serlotminden is obsessed with making sure I eat and that I’m happy. I promise I’m doing okay.”

“Good,” I said, though part of me wanted to keep bugging him for the details. Instead, I demanded, “So tell me how he stole your heart so I can tease you.”

Teddy laughed, but didn’t deny me. His smooth, even voice soothed me further as he told me about him and Mindy crash landing on an ice planet and Mindy courting Teddy with a caveman routine that seemed to work for my friend.

“Hmm, I’m sure I can find multiple things to tease you with,” I said.

“True.”

We fell silent again, but it wasn’t as oppressive. It might take time, but I was positive we’d be close again eventually.

Right in time for me to leave , my brain unhelpfully supplied.

“So you have a thing for Seth?” he asked bluntly, and I burst into a fit of laughter as warmth filled my aching chest.

“God, Teddy, I missed you.”

Our friendship was different from the one I had with Seth, as Teddy and I had been forced together, and our relationship had been forged in fire, literally, but it was no less special.

He was so important to me, and I loved him dearly, even if I could never get the words out.

Admitting I cared about people, even platonically, was a no-go for me.

Of course, admitting romantic feelings was worse.

I didn’t do that, and I didn’t do long term.

I had Seth. Why would I ever need anyone else?

“I missed you too. I kept trying to get back to you when I was on that frozen planet. I didn’t want you to think I’d abandoned you or died.”

“As you said. It’s alright, Teddy. I’m not mad at you and I don’t blame you. I blame your kidnapping husband,” I teased.

Teddy rolled his eyes.

“Seth,” I said with a sigh, going back to his earlier question.

“I don’t even remember you mentioning Seth when we were on Xome, but you clearly have a thing for him,” he said.

That was my Teddy. He wasn’t the most expressive person, but he shot straight to the heart of the problem.

I played with the ripped part of the black jeans that were under my equally black skirt and said, “He was my childhood best friend, my first and only love, and he meant— means everything to me.”

Teddy nodded. “He was abducted. You were abducted. Now you’re both here.”

“And he’s married to an alien and has a baby on the way.” I finished, grinning at the ridiculousness of my situation.

“Yep.”

“Just my luck.”

Teddy smiled, but it was tense. “You know… they mate for life, right?”

“I do. And from the way you and Caleb can’t seem to breathe without your alien husbands attached to your faces, I’m going to assume you both like it.”

He flushed again.

I leaned back against the tall couch arm, head falling back. “Seth. God. I’ve loved him forever and now he’s with someone. Permanently.”

“How are you?”

I ignored his question and said, “I had the insane idea of asking to be their third.”

“I know we never discussed it, but you don’t strike me as someone who, well, shares.” Teddy and I had known each other for over two years, and he knew I was a possessive bastard.

“You’re not wrong.”

“From what little I’ve seen of drakcol, I don’t think polyamory is a practice for them, but maybe they’d be interested?”

Kal’s fierce glare and the way he held Seth so tight said something very different. Kal share? I had a feeling he was more similar to me in that regard. Kal aside, Seth didn’t like me, not romantically. He never had, as much as that hurt to think.

“I’m gonna say no,” I said.

“Yeah, Kal doesn’t seem the type to be alright with Seth having another relationship, and I doubt you want to sleep with Kal.”

I shook my head, hugging my knees to my chest. I’d thought about it for one second, and it made my stomach churn.

Fucking Seth didn’t bother me as much because I completely trusted him, but at the same time, my muscles tightened at the thought of his fingers on my bare skin.

Of him pushing inside of me. Of him on top of me.

Of his low noises. Of his warm breath on my face.

Sweat gathered on my forehead, and I shivered. I didn’t think I wanted that even with Seth. I could force myself to, if it was him, but panic wouldn’t be far from my thoughts if we had sex. And it shouldn’t be like that.

Hell, I’d loved casual sex before all this. I loved kissing, touching, and everything that came with it. I needed to go back to who I was. Not this terrified weakling, but the confident man who had fun.

“So are you still going to keep pursuing Seth?” Teddy asked, and I had no answer.

Was I? I loved him. I did, but I didn’t want to make him sad, which I would if I kept this up.

Even if I had Seth, I didn’t think I wanted to stay, because I wanted to get rid of these memories.

And Earth was how I would do it. Earth was the only way to be free, and I needed it like I needed to breathe. I had to be myself again.

I wouldn’t remember Teddy, though. I wouldn’t remember seeing Seth again. They would be gone along with the bad.

“Are you happy?” I asked him.

“This again.” Teddy said slowly, “Ridiculously happy. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my life.”

While his voice was even and his face betrayed none of those feelings, I nodded. “I think Seth is happy too.”

“He seems happy to me. He’s always staring at his baby.”

I wouldn’t remember them. Well, that wasn’t strictly true.

I’d remember Seth from before, but not that he was married to an alien prince.

But me not knowing Teddy or that Seth was safe wouldn’t matter.

They would be happy. I didn’t have to remember that for it to be true.

They would be living their lives content, and I could be free from everything; I’d return to who I was.

Was it selfish to leave them? Probably. But I deserved to be a tad selfish. I deserved to be happy, didn’t I? Maybe I didn’t. I sighed. I had no fucking clue. Why was everything so tangled up?

“What’s going through your head?” Teddy asked.

“I’m thinking about going home.”

“You are?” Teddy sat up straight. “You’re not close to your family. I assumed you would stay.”

I shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I want to go home?”

“Me. Seth.”

I gave him a sad smile. “I would miss you.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” he said. “You wouldn’t remember me. You wouldn’t remember us. You wouldn’t remember anything that happened to us.”