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CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

All three of us completely stuff ourselves. Garret and I offer to help clean up, but Charles won’t let us. But we at least carry all the dishes back to the kitchen.

“Can we go for a walk or something?” I ask Garret. “I’ll fall asleep if I sit down.”

He agrees and we grab our coats and go out back by the pool. “There’s not much to see in the winter.” He points to an area behind the pool. “But in the summer there’s a flower garden back there.”

“Where does this lead to?” I point to a crushed stone path near where I’m standing.

“It just goes to the edge of the woods and hooks up with the start of the trail.”

“Let’s go on the trail.”

“It’s pretty cold. Are you sure you can handle it?”

I punch him. “Yeah, I can handle it.”

He leads the way into the woods. His parents must own acres of land behind their house. The trail seems to go on forever.

Garret stops before we reach the end of it. “We should turn back. It’s getting dark.”

“Are you afraid to be alone with me in the woods?” I put my arms around him and look up at him, smiling.

“Yeah. You might attack me again like last night.” He kisses me. “And this morning.” He kisses me again.

“Sorry about that. I’ll never do it again.” I try not to laugh.

“I was kidding. You don’t really think—”

I kiss him, not letting him finish. I love feeling his warm lips on mine as the cold air circles around us.

Garret pulls away slightly and points at the sky. “Jade, look.”

Tiny snowflakes are falling, melting as soon as they hit the ground. I look up through the trees and watch as more flakes gently fall. The snow is even whiter against the dark woods. It’s beautiful. I notice how quiet it is. And how amazingly happy I feel standing here in Garret’s arms. Everything is perfect. Beyond perfect.

Good things never last, Jade. Good things never last. I whip my head around as if my mother is really there beside me. Her words haven’t haunted me for weeks and now here she is again, taking this magical moment away from me.

“Something bad is going to happen.” I whisper it to myself, but Garret hears me.

“Jade, why would you say something like that? Nothing bad is going to happen.”

Good things never last. I hear her again. It’s almost like she wants the good things to go away. Like she never wants me to be happy.

“What’s wrong?” He lifts my chin up to face him. “You love the snow.”

My mind snaps back to reality. “This day has been everything I could’ve ever wanted and more. It’s been perfect. And you’ve been perfect.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“It never lasts. Whenever good stuff happens, something ten times worse happens later.”

He brings me in for a hug. “Nothing bad is going to happen. So stop thinking that way and just be happy.”

I wish it were true, but I know it’s not. I’ve had too much experience that says otherwise. It’s just like my mom said. The good stuff is always followed by the bad. That’s why I try to never let myself get too happy. It just makes the bad stuff that follows that much worse.

But it’s too late with Garret. I’ve let myself go beyond happy with him. And now I’m afraid of what’s to come. It makes me wonder if Garret’s dad was just playing some kind of mind game with us. Making us think we can be together only to break us apart again.

Dammit! How did I get to this place? This place where I’m completely in love with a boy I’ll never be allowed to have. I should know better. I should know that it’s just a matter of time before his dad or someone else takes him away from me.

We walk back, the snow still falling above us. I keep quiet until we’re back at the start of the trail.

“Thanks for letting me come over for Thanksgiving, Garret.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I practically forced you to come. And I loved having Thanksgiving with you.” He squeezes my hand. “We’re going to do this again next year. And the year after that. It’ll be another one of our traditions.”

I break my hand away from his and walk faster toward the house. A lump is forming in my throat and my eyes are tearing up. I want that tradition more than anything. And I want him more than anything. And the feelings I have when I’m with him. But I know I’m not allowed to have any of it. Something will ruin it like it always does. Nothing good lasts.

The tears are now starting to stream down my cheek. I walk faster so Garret won’t see them.

“Why are you walking so fast?” He races to catch up, then sees my silent tears. “Jade, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I’m not.” I wipe my face as I walk even faster toward the house. “I should really get back to the dorms. I have some reading to catch up on. Could you drive me back?”

“No, I’m not driving you back. You’re here until Sunday.” He grabs my coat, forcing me to stop. “What the hell just happened here? We were having this great walk in the woods with the snow and now you want to go back to the dorms?”

I try to turn away from him but he won’t let me. “Talk to me, Jade. What’s going on?” He hesitates. “Did you hear her again?”

“Yes.” My tears slow. “I heard her telling me that good things never last. She used to say it all the time. And she’s right, Garret. This isn’t going to last. You. What we have together. It’s all going to end.”

“It will only end if you make it end.”

“It won’t be me. It’ll be someone else. Your dad. Or Katherine. Blake. Someone will take this away from me. They’ll take you away from me.”

“That’s not gonna happen. We’ve already been through this a hundred times. I can handle my dad. I can handle Katherine.” He wipes the remaining tears from my face. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.”

The way he says it somehow makes me smile. “For how long?”

“For as long as you’ll have me.” He smiles back. “So if anyone should be worried about this not lasting, it should be me.”

Deep down, I know this won’t last. How could it? We’re only 19. But this thing between Garret and me just started and I’m not ready for it to end. So why do I have this feeling that it will?

“Let’s go inside,” he says. “It’s getting really cold out here.”

I don’t move but instead just look at him, feeling like he’s already gone. What is wrong with me? He’s not gone. He’s standing right here in front of me, holding his hand out for me. Nothing’s changed. He’s still my boyfriend. And my friend. The best friend I’ve ever had. I panic, remembering how his dad tried to take our friendship away, too.

“Promise me that if we break up you’ll still talk to me. That you’ll still be my friend.”

“We’re not breaking up, Jade.”

“Just promise me.”

“Fine. I promise. But we’re not breaking up.” He takes my hand and we walk back to the house.

“Are you ready for dinner?” he asks when we get inside. He hangs our coats up by the back door.

“Dinner? I’m still kind of full from lunch.” I slip my wet shoes off, knowing Katherine would kill me if I got the floor wet.

“You have to eat. It’s leftover time. Leftover turkey is the best. I’ll make you one of my turkey sandwiches.”

We go in the kitchen. Charles must’ve had the same idea because containers of leftovers are lined up on the kitchen island.

“I’ve got it all ready for you,” Charles says to Garret as if he was expecting this.

“Thanks.” Garret grabs two plates, then gets to work making the sandwiches; white bread, butter, turkey, stuffing, and a drizzle of gravy. “My mom showed me how to make these. My dad never liked them, but my mom and I would each have at least two of these sandwiches on Thanksgiving night.”

Garret never said a word about his mom until that night he told me about the plane crash. Since then, he’s started to mention her more. I can tell it makes him happy to talk about her. I wonder if his dad told him never to mention her again and that’s why he avoided the topic the past nine years. Or maybe he just didn’t think anyone would listen.

Whenever Garret talks about his mom, I can’t help but think how different his life used to be. Living in a normal house in a normal neighborhood. He makes it sound like his dad was a totally different person back then. And that day after the break-in when his dad came to my room, it’s almost like I saw a part of that person. It’s like that part of his dad is still there, but he won’t let it come out.

Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t notice that Garret had finished making the sandwich and set it in front of me.

“Try it. What are you waiting for?” He’s so anxious it’s cute.

I pick up the sandwich. “It’s all smashed together. Who smashed it like this?”

He gives me an odd look. “ I did. You just saw me do it. That’s the secret. You smash everything together so all the flavors get mixed in under the bread.”

I glance at Charles who looks both amused and disgusted at Garret’s concoction. I take a bite. It tastes much better than it looks.

“So? What do you think?” Garret sits back on a stool next to the kitchen island, crossing his arms over his chest like he’s pleased with himself.

“It’s, um, good,” I say, knowing his competitive nature won’t accept such a lame response.

“Good? That’s it?” He snatches the sandwich from my hands and takes a bite. He closes his eyes. “It’s freaking amazing.” He opens his eyes and hands it back to me. “Come on, Jade. Seriously? Good? That’s the best adjective you’ve got to describe the pure perfection I created there?’

Charles rolls his eyes, which makes me laugh. “Okay. It’s stupendous. It’s beyond amazing. It’s probably the absolute best sandwich I’ve ever tasted.”

He jumps off the stool and kisses my cheek. “That’s better. Sit down. I’ll get you something to drink.”

The three of us sit at the kitchen island eating our sandwiches along with the homemade potato chips. Charles turns on the small TV in the corner and finds a football game to watch. Soon he and Garret are yelling at the TV, scolding the ref over certain calls, as if the guy can somehow hear them. It’s like I’m back home with Frank and Ryan.

Later, Garret finds some cards and we all take a seat at the small table that’s in the kitchen. Garret and Charles teach me how to play poker and we play until midnight.

I realize once again that everything is going far too well. It only reminds me that it won’t last. When we go upstairs, I stop at my room.

“What are you doing?” Garret asks.

“Going to sleep.” I give him a peck on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He’s confused, as he should be. We just had this incredible day together and now I’m pushing him away. I’m a complete mess. A total head case. He deserves someone better.

“Are you serious? You don’t want to stay with me?”

“I don’t think I should sleep in your room tonight.”

He gets a mischievous grin on his face. “Who said anything about sleep?”

I punch his arm, kiddingly. “Go to bed, Garret.”

“Okay, but feel free to come down later and visit me.” He’s still giving me that grin.

“I don’t want to wake you up.”

“In case you didn’t get my hint there, I’m pretty much begging you to wake me up.”

“Yeah, I got the hint,” I say, laughing. “Goodnight.”

He kisses me. “I love you, Jade.”

He waits for me to say it back but I can’t do it. I can’t keep getting closer to him. I need to start pulling away from him. I let myself get far too deep into this and now I need to get out, even though my heart is screaming at me not to.

I close the door, leaving him even more confused and most likely hurt by my lack of response. I run a bath in the giant soaking tub, then lie in the warm water trying not to think about Garret. But he’s all I can think about. Why did I let myself get so attached to him knowing it won’t last?

After an hour of soaking I get out and put on a t-shirt to sleep in. Garret must have turned up the heat earlier when I said I was cold because it’s much warmer in here now. I crawl into bed, noticing how big and empty it feels without Garret next to me. But I’m warm and tired and I eventually fall asleep.

“Jade.” I feel an arm wrap around me from behind.

“Garret? What are you doing here? I don’t feel like—”

“I’m not here for that. I just want to talk.”

A guy in bed with the half-naked girlfriend he’s finally had sex with just wants to talk? That’s a first.

“We can talk in the morning. Just go to sleep.”

“I can’t sleep until I figure out what’s going on with you.” He sits up on his side and turns me over so I’m lying on my back. I can see his face in the tiny glimmer of moonlight coming through the window. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“What? No. Of course not.” I act like I’m surprised by the question, but he knows me way too well.

“Why do you want to end this? We just started this. And it’s great. Really great.”

I keep quiet, noticing the desperation in his eyes as he tries to find a way past this giant wall I’ve now put up between us.

“You love me, right?”

“Yes,” I say just above a whisper.

“Then why are you doing this? Why are you acting this way? Pushing me away?”

I try to turn my back to him but he puts his leg over mine, pinning me in place. “Why are you doing this, Jade?”

“I told you. It won’t last.” My voice sounds angry even though I didn’t intend for it to. I’m not angry at him. I’m angry at myself.

“What are you a psychic?” His tone lightens. He brushes the hair off my forehead, then kisses it. “You can see the future now?”

He’s right. I sound ridiculous. I have no idea what the future holds. But I know the past. And it hasn’t been good to me.

“I don’t have much, Garret. And I’m not talking about stuff, like clothes or material things. I mean that I don’t have much in life when it comes to people. I have Frank and Ryan. That’s it. And I don’t even know how long they’ll stick around now that I’m grown up and on my own. Then I met you and I felt like I added someone to the short list of people who care about me. But eventually you’ll go away, too. Everyone’s been trying to break us apart since we met. And we’re 19. Nothing lasts at 19.”

I lie there waiting for his response.

“Are you done yet?” His tone is harsh, almost like he’s mad at me. It’s not at all what I was expecting. “Are you done feeling sorry for yourself, Jade? Because it’s really getting old. And I’m not going to let it ruin things between us.”

My defenses immediately go up. “I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I just know—”

His finger touches my lips. “It’s my turn to talk. You’re done using your past as an excuse for shit. What happened sucked and I’m sorry it happened at all. But it’s over. You keep using your past as a reason why you can’t be happy. It’s like you don’t want to be. Or you’re afraid to be. Maybe because of shit your mom said. Or maybe you think you don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but you’ve gotta stop it, Jade. You’re smart and beautiful and a million other good things and you deserve to be happy.”

“But Garret, it never lasts. Just when things get good, bad things start happening. And I can’t let that happen with us.”

“So you’re just going to end it before something bad can happen? That’s completely fucked up. You’re just making your own fears come true. Don’t you get that?”

When he puts it like that, it kind of makes sense. I am sort of creating the very outcome that I’m trying to avoid. Damn! I really am messed up.

“Jade, bad things happen all the time. To all of us. You look around and think people are happy, but at least half of them are just hiding all the bad shit that’s going on in their lives. Think of me. My life looks perfect, right? Look at this house. And my car. And all my expensive stuff. But I wasn’t happy until I met you. Before that I hated my life. That’s why I drank all the time. It just numbed everything so I could get through each day.”

I don’t respond. He’s never really said much about his life before I met him. He told me the story about his mom, but the time after that he never talks about. I keep quiet as he continues.

“I used to have this great life. You saw where I used to live. It was normal. I know I said I never had real friends, but I actually did have a few back then. And I had my mom. Everything was perfect. And then something really bad happened. But eventually I moved on. Things got better. My dad and I were getting along really well. And then he met Katherine and everything sucked again. It’s life. Bad shit happens all the time. You can’t run from it. If something bad’s gonna happen, it’s just gonna happen.”

“I can’t deal with it, Garret. I can’t deal with any more bad things happening in my life. I can’t keep getting closer to you and then have you leave.”

He lies on his back, staring at the ceiling. “Then you’re weak, Jade. And you’re a coward.”

I sit up. “I am not weak! Or a coward! I’m just protecting myself.”

“From what? Life? So then I guess I’ll just go back to getting drunk every night so I can protect myself from feeling shitty about my family. And my dead mother. And you dumping me. Great, thanks for the advice. Maybe I’ll go down to my dad’s liquor cabinet and have a drink right now.” He turns away from me on his side.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe I am a coward. Maybe I’m afraid of life and all the crappy things that come with it. Maybe I’m afraid to be happy. But why? How did I get this way? I don’t want to be this way. I really don’t. I want to be happy.

“Garret?” I nudge his back.

He sighs. “What? You want me to leave?”

I tug on his shoulder. “No. I don’t want you to leave.” He turns on his back again, figuring out I’m not talking about leaving the room. “Even though I know there’s a chance this won’t last, I want this. I want this for as long as I can have it.”

“You can have it forever, Jade. I told you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Part of me still doesn’t believe him. But the part that does wins out. Because I want to be happy. It’s not a feeling I’m used to, but the more I feel it with Garret, the more I want it, even if it means risking the chance that something bad is waiting just around the corner.

“I love you, Garret.” I sneak under his arm and snuggle up next to him.

He kisses the top of my head. “I love you, too.”

And then it hits me. If the bad stuff didn’t exist, the good stuff wouldn’t seem so incredibly good.