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CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Loud noises in the hallway wake me up. People are stumbling back from their night out, laughing and banging into doors. Garret’s body is nestled close to mine, my back against his chest and his arm around my waist. I lift my head to read the clock. 3:30.

“I should go,” I whisper.

He tightens his hold on me. “Just go to sleep, Jade.”

I don’t argue with him because I want to stay. I just wasn’t sure if he wanted me to.

As we lie there, I realize that I’ve never felt this close to another person, not just in the physical sense but in every way. And that scares me. Just the idea of Garret being with Ava sent me over the edge. I lost control. That’s why I keep people far away. Caring about someone the way I care about Garret screws with my judgment. I no longer think rationally. But I’m not sure what to do about it.

* * *

“Hey.” I hear Garret’s voice and open my eyes to see him lying there facing me. “Did you get some sleep?”

Light is filtering through the curtains. “What time is it?”

“It’s 9. You can sleep some more if you want. I’m going to take a shower. I just wanted to let you know in case you woke up and I wasn’t here.”

I sit up on my elbows. “Why would I care if you weren’t here?”

He kisses my cheek. “Because you’d miss me. That’s why.”

I smile and turn away from him. “I probably wouldn’t have even noticed you were gone.”

He turns me back toward him. “You’d notice. You’d at least wonder where your portable heater went. Don’t think I didn’t know you were just using me for my body last night.”

“Damn, you’re on to me. But it worked. I stopped shivering. I’m actually kind of hot now.” I kick the blanket off and shove the giant sleeves of his sweatshirt up. They fall right back down.

“You look ridiculous in my clothes.” He starts feeling for my waist. “I can’t even find you in there.”

“I like these sweats. They’re really soft. I think I might keep them.”

“No way! Those are my favorite.”

“Then I’m definitely keeping them. You can come visit them downstairs.”

“Sorry, but you’re not getting them. Besides, they’re gray. They’re not even your color.”

“Yeah, that’s true. All right, you can have them back.”

He smiles. “That was easy. Guess you’re not much of a fighter first thing in the morning. I’ll have to remember that.” He gets up. “I’ll only be a few minutes. Don’t go anywhere.”

While he’s in the bathroom I stare up at the blue lights hanging from his ceiling. I just want to stay in his room all day, sleeping in his warm bed and comfy sweats. But I can’t. I have to call Frank and deal with what was in that letter. Or maybe I should pretend I never read it. I could rip it up or burn it, act like it never existed.

I spot the remote on the floor and reach down to get it. I turn the TV on.

“. . . live from Des Moines, Iowa, today where we’ll be interviewing local residents about their feelings toward the current presidential hopefuls visiting their state.” A white-haired old man is speaking. He’s standing downtown Des Moines bundled up in a long coat and scarf, looking like he’s freezing to death. Poor guy. Why do they make these reporters stand outside like that? Last time I talked to Frank he’d said it was like winter already in Iowa and that they’d already had a snowstorm.

“What are you watching?” Garret comes back, bare-chested and wearing only a towel on the bottom half. He glances over at the TV. “Do you follow politics?”

“No. I hate politics. I was only watching because they’re in Des Moines. It’s caucus time, the only time Iowa makes the news.”

He grabs some clothes from his drawer. “My dad is obsessed with politics. He spends a fortune supporting those campaigns. I don’t even want to know what he’s getting in return.”

“What do you mean?”

“That political shit is all bribes and corruption. And my dad’s there waiting with an open bank account along with every other person with money.” Garret turns to the TV where four men are lined up on a stage. “See that guy right there?” He points at a middle aged guy with dark, slicked back hair and a phony grin on his face. “My dad’s having a campaign fundraiser for him at the house in a few weeks.”

“I don’t know anything about the guy but he looks like a liar with that fake smile and those overly white teeth. Well, I guess they all do.”

Garret puts a t-shirt on, then stands there holding the towel at his waist. “This is coming off so you might want to turn around.”

“I’m watching TV. I’m not even looking. And even if I saw something, it’s not like I’d care.”

“Okay.” The towel drops and I quickly turn the other way. He laughs. “I knew you wouldn’t look.” I hear him pull his jeans on. “All right, I’m done.”

I look back again and he’s fully dressed. He comes over and sits on the bed. “What do you want to do? Sleep some more? Get some breakfast?” He pauses. “Or do you want to tell me what happened last night? Because I think we should talk about it.”

“There’s not much to say.”

“You wouldn’t show up at that party unless it was an emergency. Last night you said something about your mom and a letter. Where did you get this letter?”

I hesitate, not sure if I want him knowing what’s in the letter. But I already told him part of the story last night so he might as well know the rest. “The letter was in that box Frank sent me for my birthday. My mom wrote it when I was just a baby. I was only supposed to get it if something happened to her.”

“Why would your mom even plan for something like that? Why would she think she’d be dead in her thirties?”

“If I tell you this, you have to swear you won’t tell anyone, okay?”

“Yeah. Go ahead.”

“In that letter my mom said she was raped and then she found out she was pregnant with me.”

He nods. “Yeah, you said that last night. So she never told you that?”

“No. Never. But that’s not all. She said the man who did it got the police, the people at the hospital—basically everyone to cover up what happened. And then someone called my mom and threatened her. When she told her story to a counselor, her parents died in a house explosion a few days later. She was worried she’d be next.”

Garret sits there quietly, so I continue.

“I don’t even know if I should believe any of it, but why would she make up something like that?”

“How did she meet this guy? Did they know each other?”

“She was an intern working on a political campaign. She was a political science major in college. The guy was just a campaign worker from another state. She wouldn’t tell me his name.”

Garret is silent again.

“What’s wrong, Garret? You’re too quiet. Say something.”

“I think you should forget about this letter. I mean, what happened is a crime and the guy shouldn’t have gotten away with it, but there’s nothing you can do about it now.”

“I know there’s nothing I can do, but I have to talk to Frank. He was friends with my mom back then. I have to know if he knew anything about this.”

“Why? How does that help you, Jade?”

“Because maybe she didn’t mean to be that way. Maybe my mom didn’t know how else to deal with what happened to her. I need to know that. My mom hated me, Garret. She looked at me every day with disgust and I never knew what I did wrong.” I feel tears forming but I hold them back. “I couldn’t understand how a mother could hate her own daughter like that.”

Garret finds my hand within the oversized sleeve of his sweatshirt. “It was her addiction. It wasn’t you. She didn’t hate you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I have to know the truth. You told me to face the past so I can move on. And that’s what I’m doing.”

“I know but—” He stops.

“But what?” I sit up and lean against the headboard.

“I don’t like this. I don’t like the fact that this guy was able to quiet the cops. You don’t mess with people like that.”

“I’m not messing with anyone. I’m just asking questions and trying to see if what she said in that letter is true.”

“Asking questions just leads to more questions and then you’ll want to know even more. Trust me, you don’t want to go digging up the past. It’s dangerous.”

“Why would it be dangerous? I’m not going to try to find the guy.”

“Whoever this guy is, I guarantee he’s got people he pays to keep that shit buried. To take care of anyone who starts asking questions. That’s how it works.”

“And how do you know this? Do you run a crime ring on the side? Are you part of the mafia and you forgot to tell me?”

He sighs. “This isn’t funny. I’m being serious. I told you back when we first met that my family does shit that I don’t want any part of, remember?”

“Yeah, but I still don’t know what that means.”

“It means that they get what they want. Just like this guy. They do whatever they have to do to cover up stuff they don’t want people to know. They’ll do anything, Jade. Anything.”

“Okay, stop it. You’re freaking me out.”

“I just want you to think about this before you go talking to Frank or looking up stuff on the Internet. Think about if it’s really going to help you.”

“Fine, I’ll think about it.” I swing my legs to the side of the bed and sit next to him. “I guess I should go.”

He puts his arm around my shoulder. “Hey, I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you last night. Next time, call my cell. I’ll be right over, okay?”

“Why were you talking to Ava anyway?”

“My dad called the other day and was asking all these questions about you and if I’d seen you lately. I asked Ava if she’d been spying on us again and reporting back to my dad. She claims she hasn’t but I can never tell if she’s lying or not.”

“I really screwed up last night, Garret. I promised myself I’d never drink and then I did. I wasn’t even thinking.”

“You had one drink. That doesn’t mean you’ll be an alcoholic.”

“I have the genes for it. I can’t risk it. I don’t want to end up like her.”

“You won’t. So stop thinking that way.”

I get up and the sweatpants start slipping off. I hoist them back up, laughing. “I think I need to put my clothes back on. I can’t walk to my room in these.”

“Your clothes are still damp. I’ll go down to your room and get you some dry ones.” He takes my room key and leaves. He comes back with jeans, a black sweater, underwear, and a bra.

“Garret, you went through my underwear drawer?”

“Would you rather put on wet underwear from last night?”

“No, but still. That’s embarrassing. Turn around while I change.”

When I’m done, he looks me up and down. “Much better.”

“At least I can walk to my room now. But I need to shower. I feel gross.”

“Then go shower and I’ll take you out for breakfast.”

“I can’t go. I need to call Frank. I know you don’t think I should, but I have to ask him some things.”

“Come here.” He’s seated on the bed and waits for me to stand in front of him. “I wasn’t trying to tell you what to do. I just want you to be careful.” He smiles. “And I think Frank can wait until after breakfast.”

“I guess. I’ll go get ready. Come down in 10 minutes.” I turn to leave but he grabs my hand.

“One more thing. Do you think we could do this again?”

“Do what again?”

“This sleepover. I kind of liked it.”

“How could you have liked it? The bed’s so small you probably didn’t get any sleep with me in there.”

“You’re not very big, Jade. You barely take up any space. And I’ve never slept better. I could use a good night’s sleep like that again. I’d let you wear my sweatshirt.”

“Maybe. I need to think about it.” I really don’t need to think about it, but I don’t want to sound too eager.

“What’s there to think about?” He pulls me down to sit on his leg.

“Well, for one, it kind of goes against the whole friendship agreement. You don’t usually spend the night with your friend in the same bed.”

He considers it. “Well, what if you weren’t just my friend?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if we were more than friends?”

“We’re not allowed, remember?”

“I don’t give a shit about that anymore.”

“Garret, you made this big deal about how your dad has to approve of any girl you go out with.”

“I’m sick of playing by the rules. My dad. Katherine. His society friends. They can all go to hell.” He picks up my hand and kisses it. “So what do you say? Will you go out with me?”

“I go out with you all the time.”

“Never on a date. We’ve only gone out as friends. I’m asking you out on a date.”

“Is this just your way of forcing me to let you pay for breakfast?”

“I already pay for breakfast per our agreement.”

“That’s only on Sundays. Today is Saturday.”

He sighs. “Fine, you can pay for your own breakfast. But breakfast doesn’t count. I want to take you out on a real date.”

“And you think that’ll make me spend the night here again?”

He throws his head back. “How many questions are you going to ask before you answer me? It’s just a date. It’s not that complicated.”

I pretend to give it some thought. “Okay. Yes. I’ll go out on a date with you. One date. That’s it. If you’re not too annoying or I’m not bored out of my mind I might consider another one after that. But I’m not making any promises.”

He rolls his eyes. “I’ll do my best.”

“And I might consider sleeping next to you again, you know, if I get cold, which is possible because it’s almost winter.”

“You just can’t give a straight answer, can you? You have to have conditions along with an insult or two.”

“I’m just keeping your ego in line, pretty boy.”

“Pretty boy?”

“Yeah.” I laugh. “That’s what Ryan calls you by the way. I don’t think he’s ever used your real name.”

“I’m not a pretty boy. What the hell?”

“Yeah, you are. Perfect face, perfect body, perfect teeth. It’s annoying.”

“Huh. That almost sounded like a compliment.”

“It wasn’t meant to be. See? Your ego’s still too high.” I get up from his lap. “I need to eat. I’m really hungry.”

“Okay, I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

When I return to my room, the letter is sitting there on the floor where I left it. I’m tempted to read it again but I don’t want to. Reading it will take away how good I feel right now. I’ve just had one of the best nights of my life after one of the worst nights of my life. I don’t know how that’s even possible.

Last night at the party I was at an all time low and somehow Garret made it better. More than that, he made me feel something even after I tried so hard to feel nothing. He made me feel wanted and needed and not at all alone. I don’t understand how someone can affect me that way, but I don’t want that someone to go away.