Page 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

I walk slowly across campus to my room. My mind keeps replaying Garret’s words but they make no sense. Why would he shut me out like that when everything was going so well between us?

As soon as I’m back in my room, I change into my running clothes. Running is the only way I can handle the emotions I’m feeling right now. I sprint down to the trail that Garret and I ran on a few weeks ago. I’m a little afraid to go into the woods by myself but I do it anyway. My body gives out after an hour. I go back and shower, then lie on my bed and end up falling asleep until morning.

The next day, I go to class, run, eat dinner with Harper, do homework, and go to bed. I follow that same schedule the next day, and the day after that, just going through the motions. The routine becomes so familiar I lose track of the days, and the days turn into weeks. The weekends become all about homework and laundry.

Harper keeps asking me what happened with Garret and I just tell her we decided to stop hanging out. I don’t give her the whole story because I don’t like talking to people about my problems. I’ve always been that way, even with friends. I figure nobody wants to hear that stuff. They have their own problems to deal with.

Even though I haven’t told her what’s going on, Harper can see how depressed I am and she keeps trying to cheer me up. She offers to take me shopping or out to eat, but I have no money to do either of those things. Then she invites me to play tennis which we do, but I suck at tennis and she’s really good so that doesn’t work. I’m afraid that if I don’t get out of this sad, gloomy state soon, Harper will stop hanging out with me and I’ll lose her as a friend.

As if things aren’t bad enough, my mom is haunting me even more now. The anniversary of her death is coming up and it’s not like I sit around and cry about it, but it’s not exactly the happiest time of year.

I keep hearing my mom telling me I told you so over and over again in my head. Telling me how boys are trouble and how they ruin your life. Maybe she was right. But I want so badly for her to be wrong. I know in my heart that Garret and I had something together that was real and good. I felt happy in the short time I was with him. Happier than I’ve ever felt. And even if I can’t be with him , there has to be someone else out there who could make me feel that way again. Not every man can be bad. Frank’s not bad. And Ryan’s not.

The only time I see Garret is during English class, but he doesn’t talk to me. We haven’t even exchanged our notebooks. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even look in his direction. He never looks at me either. Since this happened, he just sits there staring at his laptop.

After the third weekend of moping around my room, I decide it’s time to move on. I refuse to be one of those girls who remains depressed over a boy for months on end.

Despite whatever happened with Garret, I have plenty of other things to feel good about. It’s early October and the leaves are brilliant shades of yellow and orange. The air is crisp and cool and perfect for going on long runs. I’m doing great in all my classes and Frank and Ryan are doing really well. So I’m not going to waste my time sulking over some stupid guy.

On Tuesday, I see Garret in English and ignore him as usual. When class is over, just as I’m about to leave, he drops two notebooks on my desk—small green notebooks that are unlike the big blue notebooks we were given for class. Garret quickly gets up and walks out before I can ask him about it. I stuff the notebooks in my bag and head home.

When I’m back in my room I plop down on my bed and open one of the notebooks. Inside it says, Remember how we were going to get notebooks to write down stuff we couldn’t say? I don’t know if you want to anymore but if so, this is yours. The other one is mine.

I set the notebook down and open the other one. The first page is the original entry he made in our official English notebook, the page we tore out so Professor Hawkins couldn’t read it. I flip through and see several more entries. I read the second page.

I’ve been hanging out with this girl a lot now. She continues to fascinate me and I can’t seem to get enough of her. Today we had pancakes at Al’s Pancake House. I’ve never seen anyone get so excited about pancakes. Who knew that something so small could make someone so happy? I wanted to make her that happy again, so I told her we would go there every Sunday. Her eyes lit up like I’d told her I was taking her to Paris or something. But it wasn’t Paris. It was just a promise of pancakes every week.

I read page 3. Tonight I invited this girl to hang out in my room. I just thought we’d eat pizza and watch movies and that was it. But it became more than that. She asked about my mom so I told her the story. Talking about my mom was harder than I thought it would be. Maybe because I never talk about her or what happened to her. But I felt better when I was done because this girl actually listened to me like she cared. No one has ever listened to me like that. No one except my mom.

The entry on page 4 says: Today was one of the worst days I’ve had in a really long time. I was told I could no longer see this girl who I really care about and who was becoming my closest friend. My life is full of rules and even though these rules make no sense to me, for some reason I follow them. I told her to stay away from me and that I would stay away from her. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say to someone. I ran off as soon as I said it because I was too much of a coward to see how much I hurt her. But now I feel like the worst person in the world.

I turn to page 5, the last entry. “I haven’t talked to this girl in weeks and I miss her so much it hurts. I miss her smile and her laugh and even her insults. I miss having pancakes with her and watching movies and just sitting quietly together. I no longer care about the rules. They’re someone else’s rules. This is my life and I’ll make up my own rules. If she’ll let me, I need to talk to this girl again. If she hates me, I understand. But we shouldn’t end it the way it ended. That was someone else’s end. We need our own end.

Jade, I miss you. I made a huge mistake. And I just want to talk. --Garret

I shut the notebook and throw it on the floor. This is the last thing I need right now. I’m finally feeling better and now he tosses this crap at me? Why does he keep doing this? He hurts me and then expects me to forgive him. It’s just like when he lied about being a Kensington.

The phone rings. I get up to answer, then hesitate in case it’s Garret. The ringing continues.

“Yeah. What?” I answer.

“Jade? It’s Frank.”

“I’m sorry, Frank. I didn’t mean to answer that way.”

“How are you doing? Are you okay?”

It’s the anniversary of my mom’s suicide and I’ve been trying to forget about it all day, but apparently Frank won’t let me do that.

“I’m fine. Really. It’s been four years. I’ve moved on.”

“Honey, I just—”

“You don’t have to worry about me, okay? I just want to forget about it. Can we talk about something else?”

He sighs and I know he’s frustrated with me, but I really have nothing more to say about it.

“So anything new with you and Ryan?” I ask.

“No, not much, but I wanted to let you know that we sent you a package, so be sure to keep an eye out for it.”

“A package? What’s in it?”

“That’s a surprise. It’s for your birthday.”

“You didn’t need to send me anything. You know I don’t celebrate birthdays.”

“Everyone should celebrate their birthday.” Frank’s tone lightens. He’s way more excited about my birthday than I am. He always has been, probably in an attempt to compensate for my mom always forgetting it or ignoring it. “Now listen, Jade. I want you to go out with your friends on Thursday and have a good time. Don’t eat in the dining hall and do homework all night.”

“But I—”

“No, Jade. No excuses. You get out of that room and do something fun. It’s on me, which you’ll see when you get the box. And don’t go spending that money on laundry or something practical. There’s a separate envelope for that.”

“Frank, I can’t take your—”

“It’s a gift. Now tell me what else you’re up to. How are classes?”

“Good. I’m still getting A’s, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“That’s great, but not that surprising.” I feel him smiling through the phone.

There’s silence because neither one of us ever has much to say.

Frank finally speaks. “Well, Ryan and I will call you on Thursday, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And Jade.” Frank’s tone turns serious. “There’s something in that box I sent that you might want to set aside for later.”

“What is it?”

“You’ll see when you get the box. It was to be given to you on your 19 th birthday but you’ll have to decide what to do with it.”

“Now I have to know what it is. Just tell me.”

“Wait until you get the package and then we’ll talk, okay?”

“Yeah. Bye.”

That was strange. What did Frank put in that box and why was he so cryptic about it?

* * *

Wednesday night I’m reading a chapter in my psychology book when I hear someone knocking on my door. Assuming it’s Harper inviting me to watch TV in her room, I jump up to answer it.

It’s not Harper. It’s Garret. He isn’t his usual clean cut self. He’s got a day’s worth of stubble on his face and his eyes look tired. If he’s hoping this disheveled look will make me feel sorry for him, it’s not going to work.

“What do you want, Garret?” I keep the door open just a crack.

“Did you read my notebook?”

“Yes.”

“So can we talk?”

“I have nothing to say to you. I’m finally moving past all this. Just go away. And don’t come down here anymore.”

I start to shut the door, but he puts his hand up holding it open.

“It was my dad, Jade. He made me do it. It wasn’t me. You don’t understand.” He has that desperate tone again just like he had in the car that night after the dinner at his parents’ house. “But I’m done taking orders from him. Especially about stuff like this. You and me. He has no right to interfere. None of them do.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Let me in and I’ll tell you. I can’t talk in the hall.”

I hesitate, then go back to my desk to grab my keys. “Let’s go outside.”

Sitting is out of the question. I’ve got the nervous energy thing going and I have to keep moving. We go outside and I take off, walking fast across campus with Garret trailing behind.

“Are you going to stop?” he asks.

“Nope. So start talking.”

He runs a few steps until he’s beside me. “There’s rules, Jade. My family and every family like mine has these unspoken rules and if you don’t follow them, they become spoken rules. If it gets to that point where they have to be said, then you’re in deep shit.”

“You’re not making sense, Garret.”

“When my dad showed up here a few weeks ago, he was here to remind me of the rules. Well, one rule in particular.” He hesitates like he doesn’t want to say it but then he does. “The rule that says I’m not allowed to have anything to do with you.”

“And why is that? Because I’m poor? From a bad home? The rich can’t associate with people like me?”

He’s silent.

“Like I didn’t know that already? I’m not stupid, Garret. I know how the world works. It’s not like I was expecting you to put a ring on my finger and take me to live in your mansion. We were just friends. That’s it.”

“I know. But I told you. My dad picks my friends. Or at least he has to approve of them. And he doesn’t approve of you.”

“Big surprise there.” I keep up my brisk pace. The night is chilly enough that I can see my breath. My bare arms are covered in goosebumps. “How did he even know about us?”

“Ava and Blake told him. Or they told their parents and word got back to my dad. I don’t know exactly, but I know they were involved.” He unzips his sweatshirt and takes it off. “Here.” I stop briefly to let him put it around me, then continue walking across the open quad.

“Why do you listen to your dad anyway? You’re 18, right?”

“I’m 19. My birthday was in August. And I don’t know why I listen to him. I don’t respect him or the things he does. I don’t even like him.”

“He’s your dad. You must like him a little.” The statement sounds ridiculous coming from someone who hated their mother, but Garret doesn’t know how I felt about my mom.

“I used to like him before my mom died. But he’s not the same person anymore. And he doesn’t like me either. If he did, he’d let me make my own decisions and he’d stop taking away everything that’s good in my life.” Garret steps in front of me, forcing me to stop. “I’m not going to listen to him. We have something here. And I won’t let my dad take this away.”

“Maybe I want it to go away. Did you even consider that?”

“Of course I have. And I understand if you want nothing to do with me.” His voice is soft, his eyes full of sadness and regret. “If that’s what you want, I’ll leave you alone. I’ll see if we can get different partners in English. I’ll never bother you again.”

I don’t know if I’m a glutton for punishment or have lost all common sense, but I don’t feel ready to cut this guy out of my life.

“Tell me what you want, Jade.” Garret takes my hand and holds it loosely in his, like he’s afraid I’ll yank it back if he holds it any tighter.

I glance away, hoping I’ll come to my senses and tell him to get lost. I focus on the shriveled up leaves on the ground, their brilliant fall color now faded. I watch as even more red and orange leaves drop from the trees above us. I wait all year for the trees to turn color and within a couple weeks, it’s over. Why does everything good have to end?

When I look back at Garret, his expression has changed. All hope is gone. He seems to assume that my long silence is an answer. He lets go of my hand and starts to walk away.

“I want pancakes on Sunday.” I blurt it out without even thinking.

He turns back slowly. “What?”

“You asked me what I want. I want pancakes on Sunday. You said it would be a tradition. I’ve never had a tradition. You started it, but then it ended and I want it back.”

A cautious smile comes across his face but he remains quiet.

“I want to see more movies from that box in your room. And maybe share another pizza.”

He takes a few steps forward. “That could be arranged.”

“But more than anything, I want a promise that you’ll never do something like this to me again. Because I won’t forgive you, Garret. This is it. I mean it.”

“I know you do.” He holds out his hand. “Friends?”

“Maybe. We’ll see how it goes.”

He puts his hand down.

I pull the sweatshirt tighter around me as a gust of wind blows. “So what happens if your dad finds out about us?”

“He’ll stop putting money in my account and probably take my car. But I don’t care about that. I need to make a stand. Otherwise he’ll keep trying to control every aspect of my life.”

“This is so stupid. I can’t believe he won’t even let us be friends. When I had dinner at your house he told you to get to know me.”

“Yeah, but he didn’t think it would actually go anywhere. He didn’t think we’d end up being friends. Or more than friends.”

“But he picked me for the scholarship. He can’t hate me that much.”

“He doesn’t hate you, Jade. In fact I can tell that he likes you. But he’s so focused on the Kensington image and what people think that he can’t see past it. And Katherine only makes it worse. Plus it doesn’t help to have people like Ava and Blake gossiping about us.”

“Maybe you should go to more charity events or afternoon teas or whatever you rich people do. Then maybe everyone would see that being friends with me isn’t that big a deal.”

“I doubt it’ll make a difference but I could try that.” He smiles. “Although I don’t go to afternoon tea, Jade.”

The wind picks up again. “We should go inside.”

“In a minute. First I need you to show me that thing I taught you.” He holds his arms out in front of him. “It’s been weeks now and you probably forgot how to do it.”

I sigh dramatically. “Do I have to?”

“Yes. You need to practice.”

I wrap my arms loosely around him. But he hugs me tight, his warm chest pressed against mine and his strong arms shielding me from the cold.

It feels good to be this close to him again. It feels right. I shut my eyes, breathing him in, listening to the pounding of his heart.

“Oh yeah, you definitely need more practice,” he says. “We’re gonna have to do this a lot in order for you to get it right.”

I couldn’t agree more.