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CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

My mouth goes dry and my legs feel weak. I’ve never heard those words before. Not from my mother. Not from Frank or Ryan. And certainly not from a boy.

He waits for me to speak but I can’t. I’m too stunned.

“Did you hear me? I said I love you.”

The words shock me again. Am I dreaming this? It feels real.

“Jade. Do you have anything to say?” Garret looks concerned.

“Um, thank you.” It is the absolute worst thing to say but the words just came out before I could think.

He lets me go and takes a seat on the bed. “I shouldn’t have said it. It’s too soon, isn’t it? It’s just that I’ve been wanting to tell you that and, I don’t know, it seemed like the right time. But I guess it wasn’t.” His forearms rest on his knees as he stares down at the floor.

I finally wake up and realize I need to respond with more than a stupid and meaningless thank you. I go and sit next to him. “I’m happy you said it. I’m just surprised. That’s all. Nobody’s ever said that to me.”

Garret’s quiet, his eyes still on the floor.

“I don’t mean other guys. I mean nobody. Not even my mom. I’m not even sure I know what those words mean.”

He sits up and turns to face me. “I think everyone has their own meaning for those words.”

“Then how do you know you’re in love?” I feel like a child for asking but I really don’t know. “How do you know you love me and not just like me?”

“Because it’s different. I’ve liked other girls, but I’ve never felt like I do now with anyone but you. Being with you. . . you’ve made me feel something I haven’t felt since my mom was alive. It’s almost like I’m me again instead of the person I became after she left.” He looks down at the floor. “The past few years I’ve pretty much spent drinking and partying. I didn’t care about school. I didn’t really care about anything. But then I met you and I didn’t want to be that person anymore.”

I listen, surprised that I’ve affected him this way.

He looks at me again and takes my hand, gently rubbing the top of it with his thumb. “I think about you all the time, Jade. I want to be with you more than I’ve wanted to be with anyone. I want to keep you safe and make you happy and make sure you never feel alone.” He pauses. “Anyway, that’s what those words mean. At least to me.”

We sit in silence as I take a moment to think about what he just said. And suddenly it all makes sense. I finally understand why I feel like this. Why I’ve felt this way for a while now.

“Then I guess—”

He looks at me to continue.

“I love you, too, Garret.”

A huge smile forms across his face. Even his eyes are smiling. He stands up, pulling me up and into his arms.

“Thank you,” he says in a tone that is not at all serious.

“That’s a horrible response, you know.”

He laughs. “Yeah. I know.” He kisses me and it almost seems different now that we’ve said this to each other. It’s no longer just a kiss with some guy. It’s a kiss with someone I love. It has meaning.

I unbutton his dress shirt and run my hand along his chest. He takes the shirt off and tosses it on the floor. Then I undo his pants, leaving him in his black boxer briefs.

Now that I’m not worried about tonight leading to sex, I relax. I reach up and let my hair escape from the elastic and pins that were holding it up. Garret unzips the back of my dress, then comes around to the front and kisses me as he slides the sleeves off. I step out of the dress and we stumble to the bed, our lips not parting.

He breaks from the kiss and takes a moment to look at me as I lie there in my black lace bra and panties. I’m a little nervous because I haven’t been this exposed with him yet.

“You’re so damn beautiful, Jade.”

This time I don’t scold him for saying it. I think I’m starting to believe him now. Maybe I am beautiful, at least in his eyes, which is all that really matters to me.

His hand skims my stomach, then moves along the hem of my bikinis, making the entire area beneath it hot and aching for more. And I’m ready to do more with him. A lot more. But not everything. Tonight doesn’t seem like the night. We took a big step with those three words. I need time to digest that before moving on to the next big step in our relationship.

We spend the rest of the night doing everything but sex, then fall asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.

* * *

Sunday morning, I wake up to find Garret standing by the window checking his cell phone.

“Any messages?” I ask him.

“You’re up.” He gets back in bed with me.

“Did your dad call?” I don’t want to talk about his dad, but I need to know if he’ll be knocking down the door any minute now to yell at us.

“No messages. And stop worrying about him. If he shows up here, I’ll get rid of him.” He turns on his side, facing me. He’s wearing this huge grin, just like last night. “I love you, Jade.”

I smile back. “I know. You told me last night.”

He kisses me. “I’m going to tell you all the time now, so get used to it.”

Hearing those words is still foreign to me. It’ll take a long time to get used to it.

“I like your shirt. It’s really soft.” Garret gave me one of his t-shirts to sleep in. His t-shirts are way more expensive than mine, which explains why mine feel scratchy not buttery soft like his.

“You can have it if you want.”

“That’s okay. It looks better on you. I’ll just sleep in it when I come over.”

“Are you planning to stay over more now?“

“No. Once a week is plenty. Maybe twice. Even though I love you, I still need my space.” It doesn’t even sound right when I say those three words. It’s like it’s not me.

“I can’t believe you love me, Jade. All you do is make fun of me.”

I kiss his cheek. “I guess that’s how I express my love.”

“Then you’ve loved me since the first day you met me.”

I make a face. “No way. I found you totally annoying when we first met.”

He backs away like he’s insulted. “Hey, I helped you unload all your stuff. And then I invited you out. And took you to the grocery store. That’s not annoying.”

“I don’t like people following me around and bugging me all the time. Which is exactly what you were doing.”

“I was just trying to get to know you. I’d never met anyone like you and I had to see what you were all about.”

“So when did you know?” I blurt it out then quickly regret it.

“When did I know what?”

“That you, um . . . that you loved me.” I turn away. “On second thought, you don’t have to tell me. It’s none of my business.”

He nudges me. “Well, given that you’re the person I’m in love with, it kind of is your business.” He pauses. “When I told you about my mom. That’s when I knew I loved you.”

I turn back to face him. “Why? I didn’t do anything.”

“I never talked about that with anyone. Well, except for my counselor. I didn’t even talk to my dad about it. But I was able to talk to you about it. And you listened. You really listened. You didn’t just pretend to listen. And then you gave me that hug, even though you didn’t like hugging, at least not then.”

I think back to that night when he told me how his mom died. As I listened to him I felt the huge loss that still lived inside his heart. I felt it like it was my own. Somehow he must have sensed that.

“When did you know, Jade?”

“I didn’t know. Well, not until you explained it to me last night. I had all these feelings for you but I wasn’t sure what they meant. So I guess, looking back, it was when I told you about my mom. How she gets in my head sometimes. I swore I’d never tell anyone that, but then I told you. And I wasn’t even nervous about it. I wanted to tell you. And that’s not at all like me, Garret. I don’t tell people stuff.”

He smiles. “Yeah, I know.”

We’re both quiet for a moment. Then Garret nudges my arm to get my attention again. “Actually the mom thing was just part of it. Ever since I met you you’ve been doing things to make me fall in love with you. Did you plan that or something?”

“I didn’t do anything,” I insist.

“Yeah. Whatever.” He pretends to be annoyed.

“What exactly did I do?”

“Let’s see. The way you got so excited about those cheap-ass lights I put on your ceiling. And that concession stand I made for you. You couldn’t stop thanking me for that. It was just some candy and potato chips. And then the pancakes at Al’s. And the snow.”

“I just like those things. They make me happy.”

“Which makes me love you even more. The fact that the tiniest things make you happy is amazing to me. Most people need expensive cars or designer clothes to be happy. You just need pancakes. And snow.”

I scoot closer to him so our bodies are touching. “Okay. Forget the love thing. When were you first attracted to me?”

He laughs. “The first night you got here.”

I look up at him. “No way! I was all gross from being in the car all day.”

“Uh, no. You looked fucking hot, Jade. You had on those cut-off shorts showing off your tan, sexy legs. And then that skimpy white tank top that showed off your breasts, which are surprisingly large for someone your size. And your hair was in that messy but cute ponytail.” He kisses me. “I’m getting turned on just thinking about it.”

“You’re kidding, right? Because I was so embarrassed when you showed up next to Ryan’s car. And then when he made you help us, I could’ve killed him. I totally yelled at him for it. I told him I made a horrible impression because I looked so disgusting.”

“Well, you were wrong. You made a great impression. I couldn’t get that image of you out of my head. That’s why I was knocking on your door an hour later.”

I lie there, thinking back to the night I arrived at Moorhurst. All I wanted to do was run back home. Back to Frank and Ryan and everything that was familiar. It’s hard to believe how much has changed since then.

“Are we going for pancakes?” I ask, sitting up.

“See? Look how excited you get about pancakes.”

“Oh. I didn’t mean to.”

“No. I like it. I just told you I did.”

“It’s not so much about the pancakes, although I do love them. It’s more about us having a tradition that makes me so excited. It’s like every Sunday is a celebration. Almost like our own little holiday.”

Garret sits up, leaning against the headboard. “You didn’t celebrate stuff growing up, did you?”

“Let’s get dressed and go eat. I’m starving.” I push the covers off and attempt to climb over him to get out of bed.

He stops me, forcing me to sit next to him. “Answer me, Jade. Did you celebrate anything? Ever?”

“Sure. When I moved in with Frank.”

“But before that. When you were little.”

“I don’t remember.” I attempt to get up again but he keeps hold of me. I sigh. “We already talked about this. And no. My mom didn’t celebrate stuff, okay? But I’m over it now.”

“So you never celebrated Christmas? Like ever?” I hear the pity in his voice.

“Stop it, Garret. Don’t feel sorry for me over this. If you want to feel sorry for me over having a drunk for a mom or being poor, then fine. But don’t feel sorry for me over missing some stupid holidays. Or birthdays. I don’t care about that stuff.”

He knows it’s a lie. He saw how excited I got when he had that Halloween party in his room. I know it’s a lie, too, and yet I pretend that missing all those celebrations didn’t bother me. I’m so messed up.

“You should know that I kind of get into holidays, especially Christmas. The food, the decorations, the music. I really get into it.”

“Well, good thing I won’t be around to witness that.”

“And there’s the old Jade again,” he says, finally letting me out of bed. “So how long do you need to get ready?”

“Let’s say 15 minutes today. I’m a little tired after you kept me up all night.” I take his t-shirt off and toss it to him.

“Yeah, it was all my fault,” he says as he looks at me standing there in my black lace push up bra and matching string bikinis. “That little ensemble didn’t have anything to do with it.”

I laugh. “It’s just underwear.”

“That is not underwear. That’s lingerie.”

“Whatever. But it’s not what kept us up all night.”

“Maybe not, but it definitely started things.”

I put on my dress. Garret comes over and zips it up, then gives me a kiss. “I’ll meet you downstairs.” He grabs a towel and heads down to the showers.

I hurry back to my room, hoping I don’t run into anyone. Given what I’m wearing, it’s obvious I spent the night somewhere. Everyone on my floor assumes I’m dating Garret, so it’s not like they’d judge me over it, but still.

When I put my key in the door, it jams. I wiggle it side to side. Still jammed. I keep moving it different ways but it won’t budge. I’ve never had a problem with this key and now it decides not to work?

Jasmine, my RA, has a spare key, but I’m too embarrassed to show up at her door in an evening gown and heels on a Sunday morning. I go back upstairs to Garret’s room.

I knock on his door, but he doesn’t answer. He must still be in the shower. I open the door and go inside. Garret never locks his door when he goes down to the bathroom. It’s completely crazy to me, especially given all the expensive electronic equipment he has in here. I take a seat on his bed and wait for him to return.

He comes in a few minutes later. “What’s this? You missed me so much you came right back?” There’s that cocky smile. And today it’s accompanied only by a towel wrapped around his waist.

I try to stay focused. “I can’t get the door to my room open. Can you try?”

“Sure. Did something happen to your key?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Hold on. Just let me get dressed.” He goes to his closet and lets the towel drop to the floor.

“Garret! You didn’t even warn me this time.”

“Seriously, Jade? After what we did last night you can’t look at my naked ass?”

“No. Not in the daylight.” It’s such a lie. I love looking at his naked ass. And his naked everything else.

“Well, too bad. Because it’s yours now, so just enjoy the view.”

I don’t say anything, but simply do as he says and enjoy the view.

Once he’s dressed, we head back downstairs. He has trouble with the key, too. “Are you sure this is your key? Maybe you picked up someone else’s.”

“I used that key to lock the door last night and then we left for the fundraiser, so it was with me the whole time.”

He tries again, wiggling the key while he pushes the door back and forth. Eventually it opens. He hands me the key. “Tell Jasmine to fix that lock. Something’s wrong with it. I’ll go get my stuff and be right back.” He disappears into the stairwell.

I open the door. “Garret!” I yell it really loud, forgetting that I’m probably waking everyone on my floor up. I hear Garret racing back down the stairs.

“What is—” He stops when he sees the inside of my room. It looks like a tornado went through it. The sheets and blankets are torn off my bed and the mattress is half on the floor. All of my dresser drawers have been taken out, the contents dumped out into messy piles. Textbooks and notebooks are scattered everywhere. My laptop is still there on my desk, but it’s open, as if someone was using it.

The desk drawer is the only thing left intact. I slowly open it, noticing that my hands are shaking. Inside, everything is as I left it. Except for one thing. My mother’s letter.