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CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

“Then what happened to her? How did she become the person I grew up with? Was it because of what he did to her? Or because they called her a liar and threatened her if she told the truth? Because I kind of understand that. It almost makes sense why she acted that way. She just couldn’t deal with it.”

“That wasn’t it. Your mother was one of the strongest women I’ve ever met, at least she was back then.”

“If that were true, then why did she start taking those pills and drinking?”

“Just let it go. It’s over now. Your mother is gone. There’s no need to dredge up what happened nearly 20 years ago.”

“Frank, how can you say that? You know I’ve struggled my whole life trying to figure out why she was that way and if I would someday—” I don’t have to say it.

“You won’t turn out like her, Jade. What made her that way wasn’t her fault. There were bigger forces at work. She couldn’t help what happened.”

I take a moment to try to figure out what he means. “Nothing you’re saying makes any sense. I don’t even know what you’re trying to tell me.”

“Honey, I know you’ve always felt like your mother didn’t care about you or didn’t want you, but nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve told you that before many times.”

“Yeah. And it was a lie. You saw how she treated me. She hated me. And now I know why. I just reminded her of what happened that night.”

“Listen to me.” He sounds angry again. “Your mother risked her life to have you. If she didn’t want you, she would’ve taken his money and had it taken care of like he told her to. Instead she hid out for nine months so she could have you. She wanted you more than she wanted anything. She just wanted to be a mother. And they took that away.”

“Who took it away? My father? Who is he? What do you know about him?”

“Nothing.”

“She would’ve told you, Frank. When she told you what happened, she would’ve said his name.”

He’s coughing again. “I need some water. I’ll be right back.”

A giant lump has lodged in my throat and immense pressure is building behind my eyes as I force myself not to cry. Frank has just admitted that he’s lied to me all these years. All those times I ran to his house, asking him to explain why she was that way, he could’ve told me. But all he did was listen, never saying a word. And he still isn’t explaining it now. If anything, he’s making me more confused.

He’s gone so long I’m sure he’s not coming back. Then I hear the phone pick up again. “Okay, I’m here. What else do you need to know?” He sounds calmer now, but I can tell he’s had enough. He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore.

“I want to know everything. I want to know who my father is. I want to know what else you know about my mom.”

Frank takes a deep breath, then coughs again as he lets it out. “The answers won’t make anything better, Jade. You have a good life, now. You’re moving on. There’s no reason to dig up the past.”

Dig up the past. His words remind me of Garret’s earlier words . . . you don’t want to go digging up the past. It’s dangerous.

“What are you not telling me? Am I in danger?”

“If you keep searching for answers,” he hesitates, “then yes. You could be in danger.”

His words and the way he says them cause a cold chill to rush up and down my spine.

“Then why won’t you just answer me so I don’t have to go searching? Talk to me, Frank. I don’t like the way you’re acting all cryptic like you know stuff but won’t tell me. It’s not fair and it’s freaking me out. I have a right to know the truth about my mother. She wouldn’t have wrote this letter if she didn’t want me to know these things.”

“I don’t know why she wrote that letter. It was careless of her. She should’ve known better. If someone had found—” He stops suddenly.

“Found what?”

“Did you hear that?” Frank’s voice turns frantic.

“Hear what?”

“That clicking noise on the phone just now.”

“No, I didn’t hear anything. Now what were you saying?”

He pauses, listening for whatever clicking noise he thinks he hears.

“Never mind. I want you listen to me. Leave this thing with your mother alone. Just let it be. Don’t go searching for answers. They won’t help you.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that?”

“What do you mean by everyone? Did you tell someone about this?”

“I told Garret. Why?”

“Dammit, Jade! Why would you do that?” Frank scolds me as if I should’ve somehow known not to tell anyone. “You are not to talk about this with him or anyone else. Do you understand?”

“No! I don’t understand! You’re not telling me anything and it’s really pissing me off!” I yell it at him, then immediately feel bad for doing so. Even though I’m furious with the way he’s acting, I feel like I can’t get mad at him. I always feel that way with him. Like I can’t possibly get mad at someone who has done so much for me.

“I’m sorry, but you need to trust me on this. You need to let this go.”

We both get quiet and I know if I stay on the phone a second longer I’ll say something I’ll regret.

“I have to study. I’ll call you later. Bye, Frank.”

I hang up the phone. My body is aching to move. It needs to release the anxiety and confusion and rage that’s bottled up inside me. Why would Frank lie to me like that? Why would he keep that from me? And if I’m in some type of danger, why wouldn’t he at least tell me what kind of danger or who’s after me? I thought Frank cared about me. But I guess he doesn’t, at least not enough to tell me the truth. It’s just like I always say. You can’t trust anyone in this world. Not even the ones closest to you.

Garret is upstairs waiting for me to tell him how my call went, but I can’t talk to him right now. Instead I change into my running pants and long sleeve shirt. When I get outside, it’s colder than I thought it would be. It’s probably only 40 degrees, with an even colder windchill. But that’s good. The cold will keep my mind focused on my body and not Frank or that stupid letter.

I hurry down the hill to the track which is still damp from the rain we had earlier. Wet leaves are scattered on the surface and as I run I have to keep dodging them so I don’t slip and fall.

The dark, gloomy sky reminds me that today is Halloween. Soon everyone will be drinking and partying even more than at last night’s Halloween Eve parties.

Garret hasn’t said what he’s doing tonight. I wonder if he’ll go to another party. Saturday is usually our night to hang out, but it’s such a huge party night that I’m sure Blake will force him to go out, threatening to tell Garret’s dad about us if he doesn’t.

The thought of Garret hanging out with Blake makes me run faster. I really hate that guy. I’ve dealt with assholes before, but something about Blake really bothers me. It’s one of those gut feelings that doesn’t make sense but nags at you, telling you something isn’t right.

The biting wind eats through the fabric of my clothes. My muscles tighten up, signaling me to go inside. But it’s not time yet. I’m still so angry at Frank that even my run isn’t helping get rid of my rage. I counted on him. He’s all I have. In a few years, Ryan will move on and get married, maybe have some kids. He’ll forget all about me. Frank is the only person I’ll have left in my life. And now I can’t trust him.

I focus on my breathing, trying to calm down. You can’t count on people, Jade. They’ll only let you down. She’s there again, talking in my head. And she was right. I can’t count on people. And the fact that she was right infuriates me.

My mother’s world was dark and sad. I used to tell myself that her words were a reflection of that. That her words weren’t true. That the world was a better place. It had to be. I couldn’t live in the world my mother described. But now I’m realizing it’s exactly what she said. Dark. Lonely. Dangerous.

“Jade.” I look up and see Garret on the side of the track, bundled up in a coat and scarf.

I run over to him. “I can’t talk right now. I’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast, okay?”

I’m mad at Garret, too. I’m not even sure why.

I turn to take off again but he holds on to my arm. “Tomorrow? What are you talking about? I thought we were spending the day together.”

“Let go of me.” I tug on my arm.

“Did you talk to Frank?”

“Yes. Now let go of me!” The bitter wind is drying my sweat, making me shiver.

“So it didn’t go well. Is that why you’re out here freezing your ass off?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I need to run. We’ll talk later.”

“You’re done running. You’re not even dressed right. It feels like winter out here. Come on.” He puts his hand firmly around mine and starts dragging me off the track.

I yank my hand back. “Dammit, Garret! Would you just leave me the fuck alone? I’m sick of this!” I scream it at him as the wind howls around us. My cheeks are so frozen it’s hard to even form the words.

“Sick of what?”

“I’m sick of you trying to rescue me all the time! I’m sick of you interfering! I’m sick of you thinking you know what’s best for me!”

His eyes search my face, trying to figure out what’s going on. I can see that I’ve hurt him and I feel horrible about it. There’s no reason for me to yell at him. So why am I doing it? Why am I screaming at the one person who is the only glimmer of light in my life? Why am I like this?

“Just go! Leave me alone, Garret! I need to be alone!”

It’s not at all what I need. And it’s definitely not what I want. And yet I ask for it. Beg for it!

I stand there, waiting for him to scream back at me. Waiting for him to tell me I’m not worth it. Waiting for him to turn and walk away, vowing never again to involve himself with the crazy girl standing before him. But instead he takes his coat off and puts it around my shoulders, zipping it up in front. He takes his scarf and wraps it around my neck. Then he plants his arm firmly around my shoulder and starts walking back, pushing me forward. I go with him, confused but also incredibly relieved that he’s taken charge of the situation that I’ve lost all control over.

On the walk back, he says nothing. I can’t tell if he’s angry or frustrated or just wants to drop me off in my room and never speak to me again. I’m convinced it’s the latter.

When we’re back at my room, he waits for me to unlock the door, then follows me inside. I can’t figure out why he’s still here.

He takes his coat and scarf off me, then starts going through my dresser drawers. He pulls out some clothes and shoves them into my hand. “You’re freezing. Go take a hot shower and get dressed. I’ll wait here.”

I take the clothes and leave for the bathroom, unsure why I’m listening to him. The hot shower feels good so I linger a few extra minutes letting it thaw my muscles and warm my skin.

When I’m done I get dressed and head back to my room, certain Garret will be gone. But he’s not. He’s sitting right there on my bed, waiting.

“Feel better?” he asks.

I slowly walk over and stand in front of him. “What’s going on here?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you still here?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? Am I supposed to be somewhere else? Because last I checked my day was pretty much open.”

“But didn’t you hear me out there? Screaming at you?”

He shrugs. “You didn’t mean it. You’re just pissed about something.”

“I told you to leave me alone.”

“You don’t want to be alone. You just say that.”

“How do you know? Maybe I really do want to be alone.”

He smiles and pulls me onto his leg to sit. “Why would you want to be alone? Alone sucks.”

I can’t argue because it’s true. Alone does suck. But it’s all I know. When you lose faith in people, alone is your only option.

“So do you want to talk about what happened now?” he asks. “Or later?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay, then later it is.” He loosely holds my hand. “So here’s what I was thinking. I have to get at least an hour or two of swim practice in and I thought you could come with me. You don’t have to swim, but you could bring a book or music or whatever and just hang out. It’s nice and warm in there.”

“I guess I could do that.”

“And then after that is the Halloween party.”

I look at him confused. “I’m not going to a Halloween party. That’s like a regular party on steroids. And after the vodka incident last night, I can’t be around all that alcohol right now.”

“We’re not going anywhere. The party is upstairs. I’ve got my room all ready. We’re having a horror movie marathon.”

“We are?” I find myself smiling like an idiot. “But you hate horror movies.”

“I know. But what the hell? It’s Halloween, right?”

“So what else is going on at this party?” I try to act cool but I can’t hide the excitement in my voice.

“Well, I’ve loaded up on candy, of course, and your other favorite junk foods. I thought we’d order a pizza for some real food. That’s about it. It’s not that great but—”

“Are you kidding? It’s totally great! I can’t believe you did all this.” I have to hug him. I can’t stop myself. I don’t know how it’s possible, but he’s somehow turned my anger and sadness into pure joy and happiness.

“Wow. A hug. Thanks. I’m glad you’re excited about it.”

“But I thought you were going out tonight like everyone else.”

“It’s Saturday. That’s our night, remember?”

“But it’s Halloween. It’s a major party night. Isn’t Blake gonna get mad?”

“Blake’s already drunk off his ass. I talked to him earlier. He didn’t even know who he was talking to.”

“So when does this party begin?” I say it with such enthusiasm it doesn’t even sound like me.

He gets this huge smile on his face. “It starts as soon as I get some swimming in. I’ll go grab my stuff upstairs and then we’ll go.”

My enthusiasm seems to be spreading to Garret. I know it makes him happy to see me this excited about something he did. And I like that. I like making him happy. It’s so much better than yelling at him.