Page 45

Chapter 45

Jay

I still didn’t have a car, so I rode with my father to the office Wednesday morning. Not wanting to go to Cate’s too early, I planned on filing my insurance paperwork, ordering a new phone, and grabbing the keys to the SSI sedan Dad said I could borrow.

Fidgeting with my coffee, I ignored the country music playing softly. Instead, replaying the conversations from last night. Baring my soul and admitting my insecurities hadn’t been easy, but it was worth it. Even if thinking about all the time we’d lost because of my stubbornness had kept me up all night.

I almost lost my chance to reconnect with my family. I won’t waste my second chance.

I applied for my replacement driver’s license and credit cards, grateful to live in a time when it could all be done easily online. The insurance claim, on the other hand, was more complex.

It sat unfinished while I stared at Cate’s obsessively organized desk and empty chair.

I hadn’t seen her since her father arrived. Not from lack of effort . I didn’t know if it was her father, my father, or the fucking universe, but there was always a reason I couldn’t see her.

My leg bounced up and down as I turned towards my monitor and finished my claim. I’d just signed into my cell phone account when a knock on my door pulled my attention away.

“Son, you got a minute?” Dad asked.

“Of course.”

“I just got an email from Maxwell-”

“Is she okay?”

“Yes.”

“Did she quit?” I stood too fast and had to brace against my desk as blood rushed to my head.

“No.” He rubbed his hands through his short hair. “But she’s going to DC with her father.”

She’s leaving? After everything we’d been through, I never would’ve anticipated her running away without saying a word to me.

If I’d known she’d pull this shit, I would’ve pushed my way into her hospital room, father or not. The only reason I hadn’t was out of respect. The same reason I hadn’t rushed to her apartment last night.

Fuck that .

“Jaden.”

My head snapped up when I heard my name. “What?” I hadn’t meant to bark. “Sorry.” I slammed my laptop closed and grabbed the car keys off my desk.

“What are you planning?”

Planning? I was planning on driving over there and pounding on her door until she opened it and told me to my face what the fuck she was thinking.

“I don’t know, but she’s not leaving without talking to me.”

“You can’t just barge in and force her to talk to you.” He was right; I needed a new plan. A better, less aggressive plan.

I’ll figure it out on the way. I needed to see her, and even though I knew she was well enough to go home I still needed to make sure she was okay, and maybe tell her I fell in love with her. And probably beg her not to leave .

It was a simple plan, but not an easy one. Now to figure out how to say it all without sounding like an idiot .

“Jay?” My father stopped my runaway train of thought. “Can I give you some fatherly advice?”

I could use some right about now. “Sure.” My nonchalant answer convinced no one.

“Get your head out of your ass and tell her you love her.” My eyes rounded. I hadn’t told anyone I loved her. I’d barely admitted it to myself.

“Right, can I borrow your phone? I haven't ordered a new one yet."

"You're new phone will be here later." He said before handed me his phone and some cash .

When I raised an eyebrow—it’d been a long time since I’d taken money from my dad—he said, “You’ll need it until your replacement cards come in.”

Right, Roman torched my wallet along with my phone and truck.

Not everything. I opened my drawer and pulled out my bank card and military ID. “Actually, he didn’t burn them all.” Handing back the cash, I said, “Thanks.”

“Be careful. Your mother will kill me if you get in a car wreck.”

I hugged him on my way out, finally understanding just how incredibly lucky I was to have such an amazing family.

I waved my dad’s phone toward the reception desk, where Jack was talking to Meg, “I have Dad’s phone.”

Channeling my inner Nascar driver, I raced to Cate’s. During the drive, a million and one questions raced through my mind, turning my fear into anger. What was she thinking, running away? Had our time together, the bond we shared, meant nothing to her? How dare she run away without talking to me.

This bullshit was exactly why I’d sworn off relationships. It was a thousand times better to be alone than with someone I couldn’t trust.

Was that fair to Cate? Maybe. Maybe not. But leaving without saying goodbye felt like a knife to my heart. And people who stuck knives in your heart couldn’t be trusted.

I started doubting my feelings. Were they real or did I have Stockholm Syndrome? Did I think I was in love with her because of the ordeal we suffered through? It wasn’t unheard of.

By the time I pulled into the small parking lot at Cate’s apartment, I’d worked myself into a confusion-fueled state of anger.

A quick glance was all I needed to know Cate’s car wasn’t there. Not a big deal, I told myself; her father probably ran out. No reason to freak out.

No one answered when I rang her bell, or pounded on her door. My call went straight to voicemail, pissing me off.

Dumbass . Roman burned her phone, too.

Where is she? Did she already leave? What the actual fuck? How had she planned it so quickly? I couldn’t believe she’d rather run away and hide than talk to me.

The old voice in my head, the one that still believed I was a mistake, told me I meant nothing to her. Locking away my feelings, I cursed myself for letting another woman hurt me.

As I stomped to the sedan, I searched for General Maxwell in my dad’s contact list. Before I found it, a car pulling in distracted me.

Cate.

Relief rushed through my system, almost buckling my knees. She’s still here. I stared the car down as it pulled into a parking spot and the engine cut off. Anger and relief warred for top billing.

Catelyn eased herself out of the passenger side, the effort making her wince. She clutched the door to support herself, her teeth clenched against the pain .

Why the hell isn’t she taking pain medication? Her father should be forcing her to take it. I almost laughed, like anyone could force her to do anything.

“Jaden?”

The anger won as I watched her step slowly towards me. Her face was mottled with shades of blue and purple, and her right arm was in a sling, keeping her shoulder still while her bullet wounds healed. I’d put money on her ribs being wrapped, just like mine. I wanted to kill Roman and Franks for what they’d done.

I wanted to close the distance, wrap her in my arms, and make sure no one ever hurt her again. But she’s leaving. The pain of that memory added fuel to the flame of my anger.

Fear. Frustration. Pain.

Emotions overwhelmed me. So, I did what I did best and channeled the troubled youth of my past and defaulted to anger.

Directing it all at her, I ignored the vow I’d made to be the man I knew myself to be.

“What the fuck, Cate? After everything we went through you’re leaving? I don’t even get a fucking goodbye text?”

This wasn’t how I wanted to act, or who I wanted to be. I stepped toward her and reached for the bag she carried, instinctively acting like a gentleman despite my raging emotions.

Her father’s voice brought me to a halt, when he said, “Watch your tone.”

Message received, loud and clear. I nodded without taking my eyes off Cate .

“Are you blind? I obviously didn’t leave.” A look of pain crossed her face when she raised the bag too fast, but she didn’t let the pain stop her. “For your information, I went to get a new phone.”

“But you are going to DC?” My fear and frustration bled into the question, which came out far snarkier than I wanted it to. Why can’t I stop?

“Not for a few more days.” She confirmed my worst fear. Taking a step forward, she opened her mouth. But I cut her off.

“Without so much as a goodbye?” I crossed my arms over my chest, clinging to the anger was easier than feeling the pain.

“What? No, of course not.” She held up the bag. “No phone, remember?”

“Maybe we should take this inside,” her father said. Standing a few feet off to the side, he was ready, willing, and able to protect Cate.

From me.

He couldn’t know I’d suffer a thousand tortures before I’d ever hurt her. How could he? My actions weren’t exactly demonstrating my feelings.

“Did you seriously assume the worst then march over here to scream at me?” She shook from the effort it took to yell.

“Catelyn,” her father said.

She glanced at him but didn’t move. Neither did I.

Tension hung in the air, thick as molasses and just as dark.

Cate paled as we faced off in a battle of wills; both too stubborn to back down .

General Maxwell decided he’d had enough and stepped between us, showing me his back. “Cate, go inside before you fall down.” After a brief pause, he added, “Please?”

“Fine,” she huffed before stepping around us and walking to the door.

Like a coward, I turned to watch her walk away but didn’t move. The disappointment I felt towards myself for not being man enough to admit my feelings, grew with every step she took.

When I finally took a step to follow, a heavy hand landed on my shoulder and held me in place. It wasn’t forceful, but the meaning was clear.

Halfway there, Cate turned. “For the record, Sheppard,” she spat out my last name, “I was going to call you as soon as my new phone was set up.” She turned on her heels and marched to the door.

She held her head high and her shoulders back despite the pain. God, she’s so fucking strong. Feeling like the worlds biggest asshole, I stared as she walked to the door, wishing I’d been smart enough to apologize the instant I’d fucked up.

Before I could say anything, her father warned, “Do I need to tell you to tread carefully?”

I shook my head, no, and clamped my lips shut. The pain of clenching my jaw and compressing my lips was less than I deserved.

As soon as the door closed behind her, Maxwell’s grip on my shoulder tightened, letting me know it was time to turn around and face him. Now would be a great time for my courage to resurface .

“Or what I’ll do to you if you hurt her?” It didn’t feel like an empty threat.

Pretending I wasn’t intimidated, as he stared directly into my soul, I answered, “No, sir.”

I’d left the office with every intention of making sure Cate was okay and telling her how I felt. When did it all turn to shit?

When I let the past cloud my judgment.

When I discounted my feelings because I didn’t trust them.

When I let my old insecurities take over.

“There’s only one thing that can make a man act this stupid.”

Did I want to know? Did I already know?

“You’re in love with her.”

I didn’t know what I’d expected to hear, but it wasn’t that. “Excuse me?” It was true, at least I’d thought I was until I’d talked myself out of it.

But had I really? No, I just convinced myself I had because I was scared. But how did he know? The same way my father did; I couldn’t hide how I felt about her.

“You heard me, don’t try to deny it. I can see it in your eyes. I saw it in the hospital.” General Maxwell said. “But that doesn’t excuse your behavior.”

“No, sir, it doesn’t. And I’m sorry.”

“I’m not the one you need to apologize to.”

He was right. I needed to apologize to Cate, the woman I was terrified of falling in love with. It’s too late, I love her. My walls fell, my doubt faded, and my panic soared.

Have I fucked it up beyond repair ?

“Get your head out of your ass and tell her how you feel, before it’s too late.” His fatherly advice sounded a lot like my dad’s.

If I wanted to fix this, I needed to clear my head. Cate deserved a proper apology, one presented with a fair amount of humble groveling.

Twisting to look at the door over my shoulder made my ribs scream in pain. I gritted my teeth and ignored them. Turning back around, I ran my hand through my hair.

Man up, Sheppard. “Sir, I owe you, both of you, an apology. I let my inner demons get the best of me and unleashed them on Cate. She didn’t deserve that.”

“No, she didn’t.” He crossed his arms and waited.

Nodding, I said, “I need to fix my head before I talk to her.”

He raised his eyebrows at that.

“I need to get it right, because I doubt she’ll give me more than one second chance.”

His laugh was completely unexpected. “If you act this stupid again, you won’t deserve one.”

Damn, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree . It was easy to see where Cate got her no nonsense attitude.

As if getting schooled by Cate’s father wasn’t enough, I could hear my father’s voice saying the same thing.

“Then I better get it right.” But how? “I’ll be back in an hour.”

He held eye contact while he lifted his wrist in front of his face. If I’d blinked, I wouldn’t have seen him glance at his watch. He nodded. “I’ll see you in an hour. ”

I relaxed my shoulders while releasing an internal sigh, because sighing in front of a three star general was not something a good soldier ever did.

“Thank you, sir.”

He clapped me on the back. “Roses.”

“Sir?” I asked, before realizing he meant bring her roses. I remembered her saying her favorite color was daffodil yellow, but daffodils weren’t right for the occasion. If I did this right, I’d have plenty of opportunities to shower her with her favorite flower. “Right. Thank you.”

“Clocks ticking, Sheppard.”

I took off at a sprint, but the pain forced me to slow to a walk.

I had one hour to get my head on straight so I didn’t fuck this up again.

And buy roses.

Maxwell was the kind of woman who could scare weak men, but I wasn’t a weak man. A stupid one, sometimes. A stubborn one, definitely. But a weak one, never.

And yet, she scared the shit out of me. All because she made me feel everything when I want to feel nothing.

On the drive, I argued with myself. The fear-fueled coward listing all the reasons this was a bad idea, while the warrior in me told me to man up and fight for the woman I loved.

When my brain asked, “Can you trust your emotions?” My heart told it to shut the fuck up.

As I argued with myself, the voices in my head sounded more and more like my parents. My mom telling me to trust my heart. My dad telling me to listen to my mother .

“If I do this, there’s no going back,” I said to no one. Things would be unbearable in the office if I poured my heart out and she didn’t feel the same.

But it’d be worse if I didn’t try.

What will happen if we think we’re in love, but it’s not real ?

We’d destroy each other. One of us would have to leave. And while I was willing to be the sacrificial lamb, I couldn’t imagine a scenario where she’d feel comfortable working for my family.

Once again, my parents’ voices filled my head, giving me their opinions. My mom’s gentle voice reminding me, love is always worth the risk. My father’s matter-of-fact voice telling me to man up.

Making up my mind, I parked and entered the flower shop. I asked for a dozen yellow roses in a vase, and a box of chocolates. When the florist asked me what I wanted on the card, I said, “I’m an idiot.”

It was a little embarrassing how quickly those words came to me.

“Excuse me?” she asked.

“Trust me, she’ll understand.”

She shrugged and wrote the message.

I’d grovel; probably a lot. But before I did, I needed to own up to my mistakes.

Of course, I could only do that if Cate gave me the time of day.

I half expect her to slam the door in my face when she sees me.