Page 43

Chapter 43

Jay

S till anxious, Ma hosted a second family dinner Tuesday night and her lasagna was just the comfort food I needed. Filled with ground beef and pork sausage, cheese, and chopped vegetables, it brought back memories of childhood. She started adding the veggies when we were kids, thinking we wouldn’t notice if they were hidden in our favorite dishes. She was right .

It was different now, we were older, and after serving in the military I’d learned to eat whatever was put in front of me.

Unless it’s in a paper bag and potentially drugged…

A chill ran up my spine before I forced my mind back to the conversation. Dad raised an eyebrow in question, so I nodded—letting him know I was okay. Ma rubbed my shoulder, offering silent comfort. Just like she had when I was a kid .

My brothers noticed too, but let it go. Which I appreciated, talking about what happened wasn’t high on my list.

I wonder what Cate’s doing? I still hadn’t seen her. Before I could leave for the hospital, Dad told me she was going home.

“She’ll need time to settle in. You can see her later.”

There’s always something . It’d been three days and the need to see her was eating me alive. Come hell or high water, I’d go see her on Wednesday.

“Have you started picking names?” Emily asked, bringing me back to the present conversation.

How much did I miss?

Meg and Jack shared a look; they had.

It hadn’t taken me long to fall under Meg’s spell. She’d been through hell, but came out on the other side stronger than ever and used her experience to greet everyone who walked through the doors of SSI with compassion.

She and Jack were blissfully happy, even when they argued.

I was happy for them, even if I was a little jealous.

I thought I’d have that, but Sara crushed my heart.

“We’re still discussing it,” Meg answered. She was about two months along, so they had plenty of time. “I want to keep with the Sheppard tradition, giving boys J names and girls M names, but Jack thinks it’ll be a pain in the ass.”

We all laughed. Ma would often end up yelling all three of our names anytime she yelled at one of us.

“Maybe start a tradition of your own,” Dad offered with a grin. “A less confusing one.” He’d had the same problem as Ma .

I laughed, “Jack’s right, it was a pain in the ass. I can’t tell you how many times my teachers called me Jamie or Jack.”

“Like that’s a bad thing,” Jamie said.

“It is when you want to be your own person, not the youngest Sheppard who can’t live up to his brothers’ legacies.” Shit, I hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“What does that mean?” Jamie asked.

No time like the present to clear the air, and maybe let the past go so I could heal and move on.

“You know I was compared to you and Jack, and don’t pretend you don’t know I fell short. Every. Single. Time.” Not wanting to appear confrontational, I forced my hands to unfist.

“I didn’t,” Jamie said. “Did you?” he asked Jack.

“No,” Jack answered, never taking his eyes off me. “You never said anything.”

My chin fell to my chest as I ran my hands through my hair before gripping the back of my neck. “What was the point? I wasn’t as good in school as either of you and I couldn’t sit still, so I got in trouble a lot. It was one more reminder that I was a mistake.”

You could’ve heard a pin drop in the silence.

“Jaden,” Ma’s voice cracked with sadness.

“Mary,” Dad shook his head back and forth.

Jamie and Jack shared a look before Jamie asked, “Christ, Jay, you didn’t really believe that, did you?”

“He obviously did,” Jack answered. “I’m sorry, Jay. I was a dumb kid and meant it as a joke. I had no idea how much it hurt you, or that you still carry it with you. ”

“Thanks,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize it either,” Jamie added. He looked at me then at my parents, who wore matching expressions of shock and irritation. “You never told Mom and Dad?”

I swallowed, this part would hurt them more than knowing my brother’s teased me relentlessly, calling me a mistake.

“Why would I? I thought it was true,” I made eye contact with my mom first, knowing she’d need it. “I don’t believe it anymore.” I made eye contact with my dad. “I haven’t for a long time, but the feeling of not being good enough stuck around.”

“Jaden, you were a surprise, not a mistake. We were thrilled to bring another child into the family.” Dad stated the facts, this time keeping emotion out of his voice. Somehow, it made it easier for me to hear. For it to sink in.

Which reminded me of Cate, but I didn’t have time to linger on the thought.

“We’ve always loved you and we always will,” Ma said. “If you’d told me your brothers were teasing you like that, I would’ve boxed their ears.”

And they would’ve made my life miserable. No point in dwelling on it . I let it go and laughed as I envisioned her putting them in their place. Jamie and Jack brought their hands to their ears, just in case she followed through with the threat.

“Your ears are safe, for now, but don’t ever let me hear you talk to anyone like that ever again. Clear?” It was an unnecessary threat, they’d stopped a long time ago.

“Yes, ma’am,” they answered, not bothering to keep the shame from their voices as they hung their heads.

“You’ve apologized, and Jaden’s accepted it. I say we move on,” Dad closed the subject. I had a feeling he’d talk to me later.

“You know we don’t think you’re a mistake, right?” Jamie asked, ignoring Dad’s suggestion.

After a second I answered, “I do now.”

“And we never thought your were stupid,” Jack added.

I nodded.

Deciding it’d be fun to shock them in a good way while steering the conversation to safer territory, I asked, “Did you know I speak near-fluent Arabic?”

They gave me exactly the surprised response I was expecting.

“Definitely not stupid,” Jamie said after recovering. “Why’d you keep it a secret?”

“I had a pretty big chip on my shoulder when I left for the Marines.” Damn, did I really want to go there? “I wanted to prove I my worth but was afraid of failing.” They opened their mouths to speak, but I held up my hand. “Don’t say anything, I was eighteen and still living under your shadows.”

Jack got up and grabbed four more beers and the bottle of wine for Ma and Emily. She and Meg sat on the sidelines, letting their expressions do the talking for them.

“I felt stupid. Failing the aptitude test the first time I applied for the Raiders didn’t help.” I’d never told anyone that. “But I was determined to make it, so I asked what I had to do in order to pass.” I chuckled. “I think that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Anyway, I got a mentor and a tutor, and passed with flying colors the second time.”

“You’ve never been stupid,” Ma said with pride.

“No, but I don’t learn like Jamie and Jack. And the constant comparison destroyed my self-esteem. It took me getting out of Weatherford, out of their shadows, to finally figure out how I learn best.” I sipped my beer. “I have to be moving, doing something. So, I listened to lessons as I ran and learned math by taking cooking classes.”

There was a chuckle around the room.

“I’ll have to take you up on it the next time you offer to cook,” Emily said. I’d offered a few times but she always said no. Her ex had expected her to do all the cooking and cleaning. Had literally beaten it into her. She was still adjusting to the healthy relationship she had with Jamie.

“When’d you learn Arabic, or maybe I should ask, how?” Jack asked.

“Immersion.” Technically, I started with a language app that used games to teach, and then an online class. But it was being in the Middle East and working with our liaison that helped me gain near-fluency. “If I’d been smart about it, rather than learning quietly on my own, I could have gotten certified, but I was afraid of failing.”

We talked for another hour, mending the relationship most of them hadn’t realized was broken. I’d held on to that fucking chip for far too long, isolating myself from my family and hurting us all in the process. I’d denied them the opportunity to support me, to celebrate with me, and to be there when I needed them. I’d denied myself their love and support.

I found my family that night, and swore I’d never walk away from them again.

When it was time to say goodbye, Jamie hugged me tight and told me he loved me. “Welcome home, Little Brother.”

“Thanks, I love you, too.”

Jack did the same, and I couldn’t help but notice Emily and Meg squeezed a little tighter when they hugged me. Meg went so far as to get on her tip-toes to kiss my cheek.

“Jack, have you noticed our baby brother is the biggest?” Jamie asked.

“I have,” he said. “I guess it’s our turn to be in his shadow.” He grinned.

“Damn straight,” I said, puffing up to my full height. I tried to sound serious but the move reminded me of my broken ribs so I ended up grunting.

“That’s what you get for showing off,” Jack said.

“Be nice,” Meg said, slapping his chest.

“Yeah, be nice. I got my ass kicked waiting on you guys.” Six sets of eyes shot open in shock. “What?” I laughed. “Too soon?”

“It’ll always be too soon,” Ma said, but she joined in as we laughed.

Dinner left me drained and emotionally raw, but I’d made the right decision.

After everyone else left, my dad said, “Jay, I trust you believe your mother and I had no idea your brothers had given you that nickname. ”

“I know,” I answered without making eye contact. I’d been careful not to mention my brothers , or why I thought I was a mistake, the one and only time I’d mentioned it to my parents.

Stepping in front of me, he waited for me to shift my focus from the floor. “We love you. We always have.”

“ I know, Dad.” The emotion in his eyes made me uncomfortable, so I went back to staring at my shoes.

He gripped my shoulder. “You’ve grown into a good man. I just wish you could see it for yourself,” he said, reminding me of what Cate had said. They’re proud of you .

I renewed the vow I’d made in the cage; to be a better son, a better brother, and a better employee. To be the man I knew I was, not the troubled kid I used to be.

“We’ve always been proud of you. You didn’t have to join the Marines or Special Forces to prove your worth.”

I clapped him on the shoulder and smiled. “Actually, I did. I needed to prove it to myself.” I wouldn’t have changed if I’d stayed here. “The Marine’s gave me a purpose and helped me find myself.”

He nodded and changed the subject. “And just for the record, I knew you spoke Arabic, and Spanish too, if I’m not mistaken?”

“Better than Jamie, but not as good as Isabelle.” Spanish was Isabelle’s, Jamie’s late first wife, native language.

“How’d you find out? You hack the Marine data base?” I joked. Dad used computers but hacking was out of his wheelhouse, though he’d hired someone who could—and Doug was damn good .

Good enough to hack the USMC MARSOC records? Maybe.

“No, I have friends in high places.” He winked.

“Damn, Dad. You know that’s illegal and unethical.” Two words I wouldn’t have attached to my father in a million years.

“A father does what he has to when his son refuses to keep him in the loop.”

Shit. “How much do you know?”

“Enough to know last week wasn’t your first time being held in a hell hole.”

My head spun to the kitchen where mom was loading the dishwasher.

“Relax, I only told her the good stuff. She’s strong enough to hear it, but it doesn’t mean she should have to.” I’d had the same thought in the hospital.

He confessed he knew broad stroke information because a friend he’d served with was near the top of my chain of command. No legal lines had been crossed.

“If you ever want to talk…”

“Thanks. But I think I’ll go help Ma.” I needed a break from the emotional rollercoaster.

“Good idea.”

Once the kitchen was clean, I grabbed a beer. I have one more secret to reveal . “Can I talk to you guys?”

“Of course,” Ma said, patting my shoulder.

Dad looked at my beer. “Will I need one?”

Need was a strong word. “You might want one. You too, Ma. ”

With beers in hand, I told them about Sara, making my mom tear up when she realized I’d been ready to propose to a woman she’d never met.

“I’m sorry, Ma. I wasn’t in a good head space when it came to the family. And I planned on bringing her home and introducing you to her before I proposed, I promise.”

“What happened?”

For the second time in a week, I shared the heartbreak of getting the Dear John letter informing me my girlfriend was sleeping with my best friend.

“That’s why you didn’t go backpacking?” Ma asked.

“Yup.” I popped the p before finishing my beer.

“I’m sorry, Jay. I wish you would’ve let us help you,” she said.

“So do I.” I wasn’t the only person I’d hurt by keeping my distance. “I’m sorry, for everything.” I have a lot of making up to do .

“No need to apologize,” Ma said.

“Welcome home, Son,” Dad said, holding his beer over the coffee table for me to clink.

For the first time in a long time, I truly felt like I was home.